It's an unfortunate truism that talking or writing about stuff that sucks is very frequently more fun than talking or writing about stuff that's actually good, so with that in mind, here are the Five Ugliest Cars in America, ending with the most hideous.
(Side note: To try and narrow this down some, I'm only picking from the field of current-model passenger cars presently on sale in the United States. Thus the utterly worthless Suzuki X90, which was discontinued nearly a decade ago, is ineligible, as is the BMW 7-series, which probably would've made the list four or five years ago but has been mercifully redesigned since then.)
Please, no "Hey, asshole, I drive one of those" comments. Your lack of taste is not my problem.
Toyota Yaris sedan
A car for people who just don't care what kind of car they drive, who are too apathetic to even do the currently trendy thing and buy a Scion. You have to work really hard to design a car that makes a Corolla look sexy.
Honestly, none of Honda/Acura's SUVs are any prizes in the looks department these days, but the CR-V, which looks like it was born with a bilateral cleft palate, is probably the worst of an uninspired lot. The kindest comment I've heard on its styling came from Katia, the Ukrainian waitress from the restaurant around the block, who said something along the lines of, "I'd like to have a car like that -- it looks so feminine." Which, of course, is precisely the reason people buy SUVs these days. I can't wait for them to bring out the Hello Kitty Designer Edition.
Honestly, I tried to like this car when it came out, but it was kind of like the "Hamptons" episode of "Seinfeld," where Jerry and Elaine tell their friends to their faces that their new baby is "gorgeous" but then turn around and are like, "Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen? A little too much chlorine in that gene pool." On the other hand, the guy who designed it, Chris Bangle, claims to have been influenced by the work of Frank Gehry, so I guess Z4 owners can proudly tell their friends their car looks like the Guggenheim on wheels.
Rarely has my faith in the overall intelligence of generations X and Y been more shaken than it was a few years ago when the Scion xB came out and sold like crack-flavored hot cakes. I just can't imagine why anyone would want to be seen in public driving something like this, though apparently the whole point of the Scion brand is not the cars themselves but the rather extensive catalogue of dealer-installed accessories such as rims, spoilers, interior accoutrements, decals and what have you. I guess I'm just having trouble with the concept of selecting a car based solely on how easily you can tart it up with aftermarket junk. To me that's like saying, "Hey, guys, I want you to meet my fiancée, Jane. She's kind of ugly and not all that bright, but doesn't she dress well?"
Ladies and gentlemen, the ugliest new car currently on sale in America. And yet, I think I have a better idea of the answer to the "What were they thinking?" question than with any of the others. See, Honda wanted to enter the pickup-truck market for the first time, but thought they wouldn't be taken seriously by American truck buyers unless they put out something that looked like an urban assault vehicle that Omni Consumer Products would've produced in the first "RoboCop" movie. So they took a Honda Pilot, gave it a faux-semi front end and a weird sloping pickup bed, and voilá. Sadly, it actually has some pretty innovative features, but still, if I'm gonna buy a goofy-ass four-door pickup truck that I don't actually need, I'm gonna save up for an Escalade.
Just missing the cut, the +5 for the +5: the Jeep Compass, the Chevrolet Uplander minivan, the Lexus SC430, the Dodge Caliber, and the Acura RDX.
And now the Ten:
1. Primal Scream, "Burning Wheel"
2. Orbital, "Nothing Left 1"
3. Me First & the Gimme Gimmes, "Rocket Man"
4. Underworld, "Back in the Fears"
5. De La Soul, "Me Myself and I"
6. Nirvana, "Pay to Play"
7. Q-Tip, "Go Hard"
8. Machines of Loving Grace, "Perfect Tan (Bikini Atoll)"
9. Dimitri from Paris, "Epilogue"
10. Underworld, "Two Months Off"
Your own Ten and/or nominations for the Got Beat With The Ugly Stick awards are invited in the comments.