Wednesday, August 8

Wednesday Mystery Meat and Bonus Bostonblogging: Two, two, two mints in one!

This strikes me as a wonderful idea. Now I just need to find the girl.

• Sorry if I come across as a little cranky today -- work's been a bitch and the weather hasn't been much better. How hot is it in Birmingham these days? Yesterday it was 92 degrees -- at nine o'clock in the evening. Last night it was so hot in my bedroom that I slept on the couch in the living room, and when I couldn't stand the living room anymore, I moved the couch to where it was right underneath the window A/C unit in the kitchen and slept there. You know that urban legend about waking up in a bathtub full of ice to find that some organ smuggler has surgically removed your kidney? Right now I think I'd give somebody a kidney if they promised to leave me in a bathtub full of ice.

• On the "Ideas I Wish I'd Had First And May Yet Have The Temerity To Steal" list with a bullet is this little slice of creative heaven, the 2007 Masengill Open tournament for biggest sports douchebag over at the blog Turf Toe. So far I think I agree with all of their choices except for Vince Carter over Carl Pavano and Pat O'Brien over Terrell Owens. I mean, not to say that O'Brien isn't a douchebag, but who among us hasn't gotten completely hammered and then left a voice mail inviting someone to join a three-way? C'mon, he even said she was "so fuckin' hot" and that he was "so fuckin' into [her]." Those are compliments! What are you, made of ice?

• That last one made me think of another "Separated at Birth":

These men may look alike, and both of them surely get your nipples hard, but only one of them wants to "fuckin' go crazy with you."

• In other sports news, Oregon wants to play their 2009 season opener in China. I guess there's a part of me that admires them for their ambition, but still, I don't know that you just up and move a game to China before exploring some other options first. Maybe it'd be best to start small and try out a game in some country that at least has a passing familiarity with American football, such as Mexico or even Japan. Or any of the wonderful and exotic venues I've already suggested on this site.


• How do I know that this story is true? Because five or six years ago, "I made out with Britney Spears" would have been an impressive enough feat that you would be tempted to lie about it, but in 2007, saying that you made out with Britney Spears is kind of like going around telling people you voted for Mark Foley or bought "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2" on DVD. It's not something you'd want anyone to know about in the first place, much less something you'd make up a story about just for poops and giggles. Seriously, if Britney and Lindsay Lohan were horses or dogs, we'd be euthanising them at this point. And with Britney, at least, you could tell Kevin Federline that she went off to live with a nice family out on a farm in the middle of the countryside and he'd probably believe you.

Pat O'Brien wanted me to tell you he's "so f&#$in' into you."

• My car has sprung a major coolant leak that's going to cost a couple hundred dollars to fix; meanwhile, my Esteem Reservoir for Virginia Tech head coach Frank Beamer is running similarly low after Beamer insinuated that Georgia spied on the Hokies' Peach Bowl practices in Atlanta last December.

I gotta go with Paul Westerdawg on this one: If Georgia was using such diabolically Blofeld-like tactics to get the jump on VT's every single move, how the hell were we down 21-3 to the Hokies at halftime? Either the Dawgs were just lulling Tech into a false sense of security before busting out their ill-gotten knowledge of the Hokie playbook in the second half, which makes Mike Bobo a cunning asshole of Spurrieresque proportions, or Beamer's just talking out of his ass trying to rid himself of a sour-grapes aftertaste he should've gotten over months ago. My vote's with the second option, in case there was any doubt in your mind.

• Anyway, we're not going to need to do any spying on anybody this season, because the secret weapon, the good-luck charm of all good-luck charms, is already in place: Jenna now has a Georgia jersey.

Yes, I've officially become That Guy, the fan who is no longer content to merely humiliate himself in his quest to cheer his team on to glory but now must also spread the humiliation to others. There are places in both heaven and hell reserved for people like me; I'll let you know where I end up.


Anonymous said...

Re: your dog and her jersey -- might as well get it out of your system before you reproduce. And I've got to think that Jenna + jersey = hello from those twins that wear the houndstooth hats. Or a young woman of equivalent hottness.

T. Leach said...

Thanks for The Toe love, Doug. Steal away. Plenty of douchebags out there.

JasonC said...

Great call on O'Brien and Flanders.
I think the game in China has less to do with the Ducks (aka Nike's team) playing football and more to do with selling shoes.

NCT said...

On the heat (I think you'll appreciate this, Doug):

It's hotter than Victory Drive on military payday.

My best friend came up with that one. Feel free to use it whenever you're around people who'd get it.

Meg said...

Jenna is adorable in that jersey!

Anonymous said...

Doug, you need to take a cue from Meg's post: only girls dress up dogs. I am going to assume that you did this either to impress a girl you are after, or because the heat is so bad there, you lost your mind for a minute. Humor me; this is what I want to believe.

JasonC said...

nct- good call on Benning/Columbus.

Anonymous said...

I believe it was NY funny lady Fran Lebowitz who wrote, "If you are a dog and your owner suggests you wear a sweater....suggest he wear a tail." I'm sure PETA will make this their next big fight. Prepare to answer to Pam Anderson.