There's no promotion like self-promotion.

I may have finished up my guest-hosting week over at EDSBS, but I'm still not done befouling other people's Web sites with my presence.

Here, at Dr. Saturday, is the latest installment in my ongoing Better Know an Embattled Coach series. This week's victim: Indiana coach Bill Lynch, who took over in mid-offseason after the previous coach died of a brain tumor, led the Hoosiers to their first bowl in 13 years, but after a 3-9 season is fighting for his job anyway. (Man, this economy is crushing everybody.)

Also, despite being a Florida blog and therefore under no obligation whatsoever to give a flying fuck what I think, Gators First gave me the opportunity to hold forth with my at-best-modestly-educated opinion about how the 2009 season is going to shake out for the SEC. Thrill to the first and very last time I will say anything nice about Tennessee or South Carolina this year.

Also, that post I did for EDSBS about Lou Holtz's (short-lived) Congressional ambitions? Got linked by The New Republic. (Which, in retrospect, probably would not have happened had I gone with my original concept for that post, "What Kind Of Sex Scandal Will Lou Holtz Get Caught In Once He Becomes A Congressman?" I think I'd decided to go with "Name found in little black book of Florida madam whose prostitutes are exclusively Asian women catering to men with lactation fetishes"; my sincere thanks to whoever talked me down off that ledge.)

I'm takin' the wheel!(Oh, yeah, this is gonna end well.)

Just in case you missed me trumpeting the news on Twitter or Facebook, the great Orson Swindle is enjoying a highly jealousy-inducing vacation down on the Gulf Coast this week, and in a colossal error of judgment has put me in charge of Every Day Should Be Saturday while he's gone. So I'll be Alexander Haiging it up over there in his absence, bringing you all the college-football news that's fit to belittle and, where warranted, throwing in some of the miscellaneous stupidity you've come to expect from Hey Jenny Slater. As white-hot as the temptation is to do such a thing, I won't be overhauling EDSBS to a red-and-black color scheme with a header graphic of Vince Dooley being carried aloft by the boys back on New Year's Day 1981 -- I gotta at least try to be a courteous guest, after all -- but I think I can probably get away with a dick joke or a supermodel-in-underwear picture every now and then.

On that note, if you have a particular dick joke or undie shot you think merits inclusion -- or, perhaps more usefully, an actual CFB tip or link -- fire it off to the e-mail address at the top of the right-hand column on this blog. Can't promise I'll use it, but if I do, I'll at least do you the courtesy of valiantly guarding your anonymity by failing to give you credit. Wish me luck, folks.

A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:Things to do in Denver when you're unemployed.

Doing nothing, and it's everything I thought it could be.

Recently downsized but don't feel like actually looking for another job yet? Me neither, working sucks. Here's some shit to distract you instead:

· First of all, I'm gonna have to go ahead and pimp some of my own work, should any paying blogs, Web sites, or sports journals be looking for writers: Here's my less-than-rosy take on George O'Leary's job security for Dr. Saturday (prithee excuse the character formatting, we're working on it), and here's MY EXCLUSIVE ALL-ACCESS INSIDE LOOK at Lane Kiffin and the Tennessee football program for EDSBS! Why did Kiffykins give such broad access to his deepest, most top-secret planning to a Georgia interloper like myself? He probably fucked up and forgot to check that I was a Bulldog fan, but like everything else, he'll say it was all part of his master plan.

· It has come to my attention that some people found this past week's Monday Morning Cage Match unfairly biased in favor of Lexus and against Texas. One or two people hinted that had a category along the lines of "End zones" been included, the Lone Star State would've cleaned up. OK, I'm an open-minded guy, let's compare rear ends:


Lexus SC430 . . .


. . . and Texas Longhorns.

OK, yeah, you know what, y'all were right and I was wrong. Game over, Texas wins. My decision is final.

· And now that I've pimped my own work, it's time to pimp some other people's: Platinum-level Friend of Holly (and therefore friend of Hey Jenny Slater) Livia drops Pat Buchanan with a knee to the balls and keeps on kicking, while over at Practically Harmless, Sister of Hey Jenny Slater does the same to the Twilight book series here and here.

What else do we know about Bella? We know that she's clumsy. Sooo clumsy. Clummy-clum-clumsy. You can hear "Yakety Sax" faintly in the background throughout the book. She falls down in the woods. She trips over her own feet at the beach. She trips over her own feet in class. She drops her books. She thwacks her classmates in the head with a volleyball. She thwacks herself in the head with a badminton racquet. She gets paper cuts. At one point, Meyer specifically describes her eating a bowl of cereal, "chewing each bite with care," as if a Lucky Charms-Mama Cass moment is an ever-looming threat. And in case you weren't able to pick up on it yourself, Bella is kind enough to tell you herself.

I'm absolutely ordinary - well, except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled.

Oh, are you clumsy? I totes hadn't noticed.

· Back to Pat Buchanan for a moment, sort of: As blatant a bigot as Pat Buchanan is, he is completely, utterly sane compared to Glenn Beck, who did everything except audibly shit his pants when a caller somehow managed to get past what I'm sure was NORAD-tight call screening to disagree with him on health care:



Now, here's my question: You're a radio host. You're crazier than a Greyhound bus full of methed-up ferrets, but be that as it may, you've somehow developed a sincerely devoted following despite yourself. Who says "GET OFF MY PHONE"?!?!? You're the host, Miss DuBois, fuckin' drop the call if it's that upsetting to you! Why throw a literal howling hissy fit and make yourself look like even more of a twit than you already have? I refuse to believe that anyone, even his most ardent fans, are actually laboring under the delusion that Glenn Beck is sane at this point; I think his fans are actually hoping he's crazy enough to jump the White House fence with an Uzi in hand or something like that. Actually, in Beck's case it'd probably be more along the lines of a Super Soaker filled with ReaLemon, because that's just the kind of thing he'd come up with, but whatever.

· In other news of wingnuttery, some folks are apparently so determined to take Obama down that they're making up stories about Obama getting booed during the first pitch at the All-Star game last week. Hey, if that's all it takes to make something true, then I would like to announce here and now on this blog that Erin Andrews didn't spurn my advances in Tempe the weekend of last season's UGA-ASU game, she in fact came back to the house our group had rented and we polished off a '98 Dom in the hot tub. Salud, motherfuckers!


Oh, yeah, I got her number. It's OK, I know you want to touch me.

· Remember the Friday Random Ten+5 a couple months back in which the Mi-24/25/35 series attack helicopter received an induction into the Badass Hall of Fame? The "Hind" originally earned its badass reputation by laying waste to the Afghan resistance in the early 1980s, to the point that only a rapid influx of American-sourced surface-to-air missiles (as highly entertainingly dramatized in "Charlie Wilson's War") succeeded in turning the tide. Well, now that the Afghan military's forces are in the process of being rebuilt by coalition forces so that they can stand on their own two feet and defend themselves from the Taliban, the Afghan National Army Air Corps is being supplied with -- what else? -- Mi-35s. The irony here is so delicious and satisfying that I'm now substituting it for one meal each day.


The hunted become the hunters, or something like that.

· I would like to go on record as saying that Al Franken will one day go down in history as one of the better U.S. senators we've ever had. Unlike "Stuart Saves His Family," this statement is not intended as a joke.

· Finally, courtesy of Twitter pal and equally rabid Bulldog partisan Ally, here's the first solid, specific recommendation anyone's given me so far as to what I should be doing with myself while I'm unemployed. Soon as my folks leave their house for any length of time, I'm building something along the lines of this:


Rooftop Waterslide

· Actually, maybe this is what I need to be doing with myself:



Of course, pimping, as Big Daddy Kane warned us, isn't easy, and I should probably save this kind of work for when I really buckle down and get serious about holding down a regular job.

A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:Alabama guzzles beer while Lindsay avoids "The Hangover."

"All aboard," says Orrin Hatch. (This eventually makes sense, I promise.)

· First things first, and the first thing today is self-aggrandizement. With the illustrious Dr. Saturday traveling earlier this week, I've been chipping in a little bit more than usual over there, including an assessment of the will-he-or-won't-he questions about Steve Spurrier retiring and a slight stretch of a metaphor regarding Orrin Hatch's BCS hearings (but it does have a point, I promise).

Keep your eyes peeled over there too, Bulldog Nation, because my next installment in the Better Know an Embattled Coach series concerns a coach we've all loved to hate over the years. I'll also be popping up tomorrow over at Team Speed Kills to critique their assessment of the Dawgs (this has been Georgia week over at TSK, where they're breaking down an SEC team each week leading up to the start of the season) and offering some thoughts of my own.



· According to this map, beer consumption in Alabama is about average compared to the rest of the nation. And it may increase now that Free the Hops has succeeded in ridding our fair state of its oppressive alcohol-content-limit laws. What I don't understand is how little ol' Alabama is outdrinking Georgia by so much. And what the hell's going on up in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut? At least Utah has a religious excuse -- what's y'all's?

· Just when I thought I was done having to explain, rationalize, or excuse my divided UGA-UAB loyalties, along comes news that the Dawgs and Blazers will be playing a home-and-home in basketball this year and next. But lest anyone allow themselves to assume I'm not All Dawg, I'll be rooting for Georgia in both matchups -- we've got a new coach who needs to get some early wins under his belt, while an increasing number of UAB fans seem like they'd only be too happy to unload their guy.



· Lindsay Lohan turned down the role in "The Hangover" that eventually went to Heather Graham. Yeah, who'd want to play a prominent role in a hilarious blockbuster movie that's already grossed nearly $300 million at the box office? "A washed-up actress who's so broke she's having to charge $70,000 to make an appearance at her own birthday party" would be my guess. But then maybe Lindsay found out that Mike Tyson had a cameo in "The Hangover" and decided she didn't like the Which Former Superstar Has More Completely Embraced Teh Crazy? comparisons that would invite.

· And finally, a photo from one of the many massively strongly somewhat attended "Tea Parties" that took place on July 4, with brief commentary courtesy of Google Reader.

The Friday Random Ten+5 dreams big.

Well, yesterday I turned 31, and for some reason I actually found myself taking stock of my life more than I did last year when I hit the big three-oh. Some of the things I'd wanted to do -- graduate from college, travel outside the country, date a stripper, go to the Michigan-Ohio State game -- I've managed to cross off my list, but there are still a few things hanging out there that I haven't done yet. So this week's +5 is Five Things I Want To Accomplish In The Next Thirty-One Years Of My Life. Hopefully 31 years will be enough time to knock them all out, but you never know:



Get mentioned in a Wu-Tang Clan song
There are still eight members left, so I figure I should be able to make friends with at least one of them. Preferably GZA or Ghostface.



Open a Hooters in a foreign country
This is one where I've kind of got to get on the stick -- Hooters has already opened up establishments in 24 foreign countries and a few overseas territories besides, so I'm running out of opportunities to truly break some new ground here. But as near as I can tell, Rio de Janeiro, Bratislava, Heidelberg, and Moscow are all ripe for new locations. Any one of those cities would have a large customer base, and an extensive pool of "talent" with respect to potential employees, to draw from.



Drive a car through a fruit stand or plate-glass window
This happens often enough in action movies that I'm kind of disappointed I haven't gotten to do it yet. I'd compensate the fruit vendor and/or glass company for their loss of assets, of course.



Meet Hugh Hefner
I bet a guy like that has all sorts of sage advice to offer someone like me, including the answers to major life questions such as "How can I remain an incredible badass even at the age of 83?" and "How do you maintain three ridiculously hot girlfriends at once and keep them all from despising each other?" I mean, I should be so lucky as to ever be faced with either of those issues, but still.



Eject from a fighter plane
I've already crashed a car and made the airbags go off; this, I guess, would kind of be the next step up. They both involve controlled explosions and a vehicle that's probably going to be unusable afterward.

And now the Ten, courtesy of the iPhone 'cause my iPod's in my car and I don't feel like going down and getting it:

1. The English Beat, "Mirror in the Bathroom"
2. Sloppy Seconds, "I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual"
3. Donna Summer, "I Feel Love"
4. The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
5. R.E.M., "At My Most Beautiful"
6. U2, "11 O'Clock Tick Tock"
7. Dead Kennedys, "Short Songs"
8. Talking Heads, "(Nothing But) Flowers"
9. Joy Division, "Love Will Tear Us Apart"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "My Head Is Spinning" (Electro set remix)

Your turn -- Random Tens and goals for the next however many years of your life go in the comments.

One of these things is not like the other.

All of the following people were born on June 4. Which one doesn't belong?


Miss January 1991 Stacy Arthur (41).


Miss February 1992 Tanya Beyer (38).


Actress and serial Third-World child adopter Angelina Jolie (34).


Porn starlet Jenaveve Jolie (25).


Actress Jillian Murray (25).


Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Tori Praver (23).


Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover model Bar Refaeli (24).


Miss December 2002 Lani Todd (28).


And me (31).

Take your time.

(Give up? It's Bar Refaeli, who was born in Israel. All the others were born in the United States. Duh.)

A holiday recap of sorts.

Sorry for the radio silence yesterday, but just so everyone's aware, I did celebrate April Fool's in my own douchey way yesterday. Successful pranks included:

· A "Bruce Pearl to Georgia?!?!" post on Twitter, which snaked one or two people;

· The old "I'm getting married" gag on Facebook, which reeled in a whole lot more people than I thought it was going to (hint: If you really want to pull this off, put up a status update and change your relationship status in your profile -- go big or go home); and

· An "I'm flying up to Washington this weekend to interview for a job in the Obama administration," which snagged my dad for 3-5 seconds. (Which is actually pretty good; Dad's lived with me long enough to expect B.S. like this from me.)

Anyway, I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, but April Fool's Day is kind of like a religious holiday to me. I'm an artist; this is my medium.

But even I have to bow down to whoever pulled off the prank below. Remember the Robert DeNiro "homeland security" sketch on SNL a few years back? Someone actually managed to make that a reality, albeit on a slightly smaller scale, but it still had me giggling like a 7-year-old. (Then again, mentally, I am a 7-year-old.) Either way, enjoy (and thanks to reader Ben for the tip):

A belated anniversary celebration, and an even more belated thank-you.

So I was coming home from a weekend trip up to Huntsville -- which was lovely, by the way -- this afternoon, when I realized something: This blog turned four years old on March 7 and it totally went right by me. Didn't mark the occasion with so much as a commemorative post or even a commemorative toaster thrown from the balcony. So here I am, 15 days later, finally marking the occasion. Some parent I'm gonna turn out to be.

But instead of doing my usual self-aggrandizement job or reveling in the aroma of my own metaphorical farts for a while, I'm going to take some time out to extend some thanks -- to you, the readers. Yes, I write this blog, but you, the people who read it regularly and hang on my every word and help build up those nice checks that Google sends me every few months -- you guys are the real heroes. So thank you for taking time out of your day to read this spew, and there are a few groups of you to whom I'd like to give special thanks:

· The folks who wished me well and checked in on me when I was recovering from the back surgery I had at the beginning of this month. I hope nobody worried too much, because it wasn't that serious -- certainly not life or death -- but it was still nice to know that y'all are thinking of me. Just so everyone knows, the cyst on my back was removed, the scar has been healing nicely, and now I can get on to whatever embarrassing health problem awaits me next.

· The people who were kind enough to donate at my behest to Magic Moments' "Magic Mile" fundraising campaign over the last few weeks. That campaign started out as something where we were going to send direct e-mails to friends, co-workers, and family to solicit donations, but I went ahead and threw a note about it up on the blog just on the off chance that a reader or two might be able to throw us a couple bucks -- and you know what happened? I ended up getting way more donations from the blog solicitation than I did from those direct e-mails. (If you're a friend or family member who got one of those e-mails but hasn't donated yet, you may feel free to interpret that as an AHEM aimed very pointedly in your direction.) Seriously, that touched my heart in a big way, guys, and I can't tell you how much your generosity is appreciated not only by me but by the entire organization, not to mention all the sick kids whose wishes we're going to be able to grant this year. Just so you know, if you're still interested in making a donation, you can do so at this link, and the campaign "officially" runs through this Friday. So thanks to everyone who's already donated, and a pre-emptive thanks to those who are about to.

· The blog aficionados who followed me over to Dr. Saturday as I guest-blogged there while the good Doctor was out of town on vacation. Y'all are great, even the commenter who told me I should "just kill [my]self and stop using up resources useful people could be using." Hell, especially that guy. The knowledge that I can still annoy people that much with only a minimum of effort is almost as big an ego stroke as the actual comments I got that week.

· The folks who linked the increasingly infamous Ayn Rand flaying on Fark.com's political section. Even if you hated it, guess what, thimbledicks, you still read it, and that still put some extra change in my pocket. Which I think I will use to go out and buy a copy of The Militant this week. 'Preesh!

But in all seriousness, thanks, everyone, for making the past couple weeks even more rewarding for me than usual. And when this anniversary rolls around next year, we're blowin' this bitch up for big Number Five, promise.

Party at Hinton's! Wooooo!!!!! Let's trash the place!

The good Dr. Saturday is taking a well-earned vacation this week, so Yours Truly will be helping to keep the place in order in his absence. Actually, EDSBS co-editor and alternate-universe Mrs. Doug Gillett Holly will be doing the brunt of the house-sitting work; I'm just going to be popping my head in from time to time to make sure that all the plants are watered and the major appliances haven't been left on. But I've already done my part to sully Hinton's good name contribute some fresh copy, including: a handful of fearlessly ballsy predictions (guess which ones were mine and you win absolutely nothing); a rundown of coaches-in-waiting across the country; and a public declaration that I wouldn't touch Bryce Brown with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole.

As far as that last one goes: Yes, I'm positively giddy that Brown and the Brian Butler Traveling Snake Oil Extravaganza are now Tennessee's problem. So "God told [him]" that he was a Volunteer, did He? Then Duck, Hurricane, Wildcat, and Bayou Bengal fans around the globe have new motivation to put a little something extra in the collection plate this coming Sunday. But in all seriousness, kid, here's hoping you win as many SEC and national titles as Casey Clausen, Kelly Washington, and Jabari Davis combined. (By the way: Rennie Curran looks forward to meeting you.)

A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:People without maps, orange outfits, busted Trojans, and other profiles in FAIL.

• The Sarah Palin bandwagon is beginning to unload, as right-wing columnist Kathleen Parker comes forward to say Palin should step down from the ticket. Well, there are plenty of equally qualified replacements out there . . . how does McCain/Upton '08 sound?





I guess I shouldn't make fun, though, since John McCain has already won tonight's debate.

• Apropos of nothing, a writer for knoxnews.com in Knoxville, Tennessee, read some comment I made on this blog about Tennessee fans' tacky gameday attire and was actually inspired to solicit my opinion for an article he was writing on that very subject. I think it says something about Volunteer Nation's current mental state that they didn't immediately fill up the comments thread with angry questions about why anyone would solicit some pansy-ass Georgia fan's opinion on Tennessee's fashion sense; the first comment ("fitting, considering our team plays a relaxed style of football") pretty much sets the tone.

What this means for Georgia? Precisely dick, thanks for asking, since UT fans were (if memory serves) just as demoralized about this time last year right up until the Dawgs strolled into Neyland Stadium and got Keyser Söze'd by the eventual SEC East champs. (Keenan Ivory Wayans pops his head in through the window: "Message!")

• In other adventures in cross-promotion, my Dr. Saturday picks column is up. Trying for a perfect 4-0 after a pretty nice 3-1 record last week.

• In the Georgia preview I did for Deadspin over the summer, I made reference to the informal headline contests we'd have back in college whenever the Dawgs beat up on the 'Cocks of South Carolina. Well, the headline possibilities are certainly just as boundless whenever the Beavers face the Trojans, and even more so when the Beavers come out with a shocking upset win. ESPN's own headline ranks pretty high on the Unintentional Hilarity-O-Meter, but something like this calls for a little intentional hilarity as well, so . . . take it away, Holly:

Trojans Can’t Pull It Out

Hungry Beavers Suffocate Trojans

Trojans Can’t Get It Up For Big Night With Beavers

Sanchez Dirtied By Beaver Attack

Trojans Can’t Come From Behind, Fall Short

22 Trojans, No Protection

I would say "It gets even more out of hand in the comments," but that would imply that it was ever in hand to begin with. My personal contribution, "Trojans Break Under Pressure of Too Much Jacquizz," pays tribute to freshman RB Jacquizz Rodgers's 186-yard, two-TD performance; I welcome your suggestions in the comments.

This is as good a time as any to reiterate my support for a home-and-home between South Carolina and Oregon State. Intersectional Game of the Century? I don't think that's too much premature exaggeration, no.

• And finally, the 17 All-Time Worst "ESPN Gameday" signs. I actually thought the Goulet one was kind of funny.

Where have you gone, J.D. Stokley? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that my weekly picks column is up at Dr. Saturday; the bad news is, it's not really mine anymore, as Lou Holtz has taken over the actual picking and I'm kind of just along for the ride. But even so, I'm happy for the old guy. For his take on, among other things, how the Gamecocks will fare against "Shaun Marino" and the Dawgs -- you'll be shocked, shocked, at what he predicts for South Carolina's prospects -- check it out here.

Blatant self-promotion? You're soaking in it!

The first two steps in my diabolical plan for global domination are complete. My first weekly picks column at Dr. Saturday, alluded to earlier this week, went up this morning. And as if that weren't enough, none other than Clay Travis at Deadspin asked me a while back if I'd be kind enough to contribute to their series of Top 25 previews; my assorted thoughts on Georgia, who ended up #1 in their rankings, went up today as well. Give it a read (or in the event that you don't think I have anything of insight or originality to offer, simply look at the purty pictures and ponder just how much ass Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno must be getting in Athens right now).

If this were a Scorsese film, this'd probably be the point at which my success starts to turn me cocky and reckless, I take up with a ridiculously hot dancer with a coke problem, and I embark on a series of increasingly dodgy business deals that eventually put my very life in danger.

Eh, I've had a good run.

DUDE DUDE DUDE.

I think this represents that rare confluence of both a) something being every bit as awesome as it's been hyped up to be and b) me having one before everyone else in North America does. Either way, I'm calling this a "win."

The Friday Random Ten+5 has its pride (and its orange crush).

As threatened, this week's +5 is Five Things I've Never Had To Stoop To No Matter How Bad My Luck With Women Has Been -- inspired, of course, by the tale of the Georgia Tech student who solicited lessons on how to kiss on Craigslist so that he could properly impress the Internet girlfriend he was about to meet in person for the first time. Between that kid and "Dimitri," the clinically disturbed voice-mail-leaver, I've definitely been blessed with some opportunities to feel better about myself lately.




Making up a story about myself
Not that I haven't thought about it -- I'm a decent actor, not to mention an extremely accomplished liar (if I do say so myself), so I'm sure I could spin a fairly airtight yarn about having flown an A-10 "Warthog" in the liberation of Afghanistan or being a talent scout for the Boston Red Sox or something like that. Particularly if it was just for a one-night stand, and I wouldn't have to play it out for more than 12 hours or so, I think I could pull that off. But every time the thought enters my head, my Catholic guilt kicks in not long afterward and I can't go through with it. Might still be worth trying, though, as a . . . sociology experiment. Of sorts. Yeah, that's it.



Making up a "Canadian" girlfriend
Again, I'm sure I could put together a ripping good tale of some ridiculously hot synchronized swimmer from Vancouver I met on vacation or something, but I can't do it -- and this time, it has nothing to do with guilt over telling a falsehood; mainly, I've never been able to bring myself to do something that pathetic, no matter how well I'd be able to pull it off.



Getting a girl drunk
I know I've made plenty of jokes on here about looking way better after a few beers -- which I'm sure is true -- but once you get past all the jokes about getting someone drunk and open to suggestion, there's the fact that intoxication voids a person's ability to grant legal consent, which means there's not a place in the country where that wouldn't be considered rape. Not a real bright idea, in other words. Not to mention that most drunk people are so annoying I wouldn't want to spend any more time with them than I absolutely had to in the first place.



Availing myself of the services of a prostitute
Oh, sure, Eliot Spitzer made it look all cool and glamorous, but most of the cities I've lived in, I've been in what you might call a somewhat lower-income part of town -- which means that most of the hookers in my neck of the woods haven't been the high-class Eliot Spizer kind of hooker but rather the corner-of-Ponce-and-Monroe, track-marked, trade-you-a-trick-for-a-crack-rock kind of hooker. And I don't need an STD that bad.



Placing an online ad requesting kissing lessons
I mean, seriously, dude. Jesus.

And now the Ten:

1. The Pretenders, "Where Has Everybody Gone"
2. Thievery Corporation, "Lebanese Blonde"
3. Underworld, "Luetin"
4. The Chemical Brothers, "Fuck Up Beats"
5. Underworld, "Juanita/Kiteless" (live)
6. U2, "Trip Through Your Wires"
7. Thievery Corporation, "Indra"
8. New Order, "True Faith"
9. Richard Cheese, "Come Out and Play"
10. Johnny Cash, "Daddy Sang Bass"

Your turn -- Random Tens and lists of things you're proud you've never had to do in the comments.

Why buy three gallons of gasoline when you can have . . .

Now that I've just gotten done tweaking the Alabama fan base (not to mention the Bill O'Reilly fan base, though I don't feel nearly as guilty about that one), it's only fair that I do a little pimping on their behalf. Ladies and gentlemen, you need to know more about the Alabama program, and that means you need this:



There are few things in the world that I find more contemptible than judging other people based on their personal possessions. That said, if you don't buy this book, you're an asshole. The Yea Alabama 2008 annual was put together by the good folks at Roll Bama Roll with the help of Maple Street Press, and not only is it JAMPACKED WITH INFORMATION to a degree exceeded perhaps only by Phil Steele -- and then only because the RBR guys went with a readable font size -- it also contains what I'm pretty sure is my very first gig as a paid freelance sportswriter. (I suppose this blog might actually fit that description, but not really, Google Ads isn't paying me specifically for the sports stuff; theoretically I could be giving you pasta recipes and I'd still be getting checks.)

My piece, which covers the changes that have occurred in the SEC just since Nick Saban won his national title at LSU, is joined by work from Kyle King, Spencer Hall, of course the Roll Bama Roll guys, and doubtless many other excellent writers whose articles you will decide are way better than mine. So take that $12.95 you were probably going to blow on something stupid and buy this instead.

G-Day/Bloggerpalooza '08: There will be precipitation.

My only regret about this picture is you can't see the sweet red pants I was wearing.

God may frequently smile on the Georgia Bulldogs and their fans, but he apparently takes a vacation the weekend of the G-Day game. For our first Bloggerpalooza tailgate two years ago, the festivities were dampened -- literally -- by a weather system that, if memory serves, actually sent tornadoes through the area the night before; last year the skies were bright and sunny, but the temperature was in the low 40s; and this year it was back to torrential downpours. Evidently we're going to alternate back and forth between these two until the year when I can't go to the game, and on that day it'll be brilliantly sunny and in the mid-70s, I'm sure.

Rain aside, though, we had a good time. Baby sis was there, as were DAve Akins, Scott and Meimi Hartman and a couple of friends, and none other than Kyle King, cruelly jilted by kids who had the nerve to pick Chuck E. Cheese over spring football. At any rate, we had an actual tailgate, even if it was on Level E of the slightly less-than-romantic North Campus Parking Deck. Beer was guzzled, Krispy Kremes and pigs in blankets were consumed, inappropriate stories were shared, and a good time was had by all.

So what worked, what didn't, and what rocked Bulldog Nation's collective face off?

The Good



• Caleb King, as you already know if you've paid even a smidgen of attention to the post-G-Day coverage out there, acquitted himself pretty nicely in his first real work in a Georgia uniform. King only got six rushes but made the best of them, averaging just a tick above five yards a carry and rarely, if ever, going down after the first hit -- the kind of tenacity and determination that Bulldog Nation loves. Having him and Knowshon Moreno, who also averaged more than five yards a carry and rarely went down without a fight, in the same backfield is going to be a hell of a lot of fun for the next few years; it's a bit early to declare them a Ronnie Brown/Cadillac Williams-caliber pairing just yet, but they have the potential to get there.

• Michael Moore had a pretty productive day at receiver, snagging three balls for 53 yards and both of the victorious Red team's touchdowns. The knock on Moore has been that he's incredibly physically gifted but also very inconsistent; if the comments reported by David Ching are accurate, though, Moore may have made a bit of a breakthrough this spring. If he can continue to show the skills he demonstrated on Saturday, he has a chance to be the kind of sure-thing, game-breaking receiver the Dawgs haven't had in what feels like forever.

• Matt Stafford was efficient -- 6-of-10 for 78 yards and a TD -- and looked like a guy who's continued to progress under Mike Bobo's tutelage, both as a QB and as a field general. But there was also a spark from third-stringer Logan Gray, who was only 2-for-5 for 11 yards but also threw a TD and showed some impressive scrambling ability. Granted, it's easier to scramble when the defense technically isn't allowed to tackle you, but the determination he displayed was impressive.

• Brian Behr nailed a 52-yard field goal at the end of the first half; he wasn't being rushed by anyone, of course, but 52 yards in the rain isn't anything to dismiss.

The bad



• The weather, of course.

• There was a whole lot of sackin' goin' on, particularly by the Red team, who got to the QB five times. However, the Black team, going up against the first-string offensive line, still managed to notch two sacks and also had five or six TFLs. (Though sacks, at least, were easier to come by since the QBs were in green jerseys and a touch equaled a sack.)

• Injuries kept a lot of folks out of the game that we would've liked to see. The receiving corps was missing Mo Massaquoi, Tony Wilson and Tripp Chandler, our top three returning receivers; fullback Brannan Southerland was also held out. On the other side of the ball, Jeff Owens, Marcus Washington, and Darius Dewberry were all on the bench. DAve commented that between the non-playing starters and the quick hook given to the starters who did play, this was as close to an NFL preseason game as you're likely to see on a college field, and that's a pretty good way of describing it.

• Then there was the usual sloppiness you're accustomed to seeing in a spring game. Last year's 34-21 final was a rare shootout that wasn't at all typical of how these games usually go; this year's 17-3 final was a lot more in keeping with spring games in which new guys are being introduced and the bench players get a lot more field time than they'd ordinarily see. Paul Westerdawg gave the game a "yawn" overall, owing in large part to the injuries mentioned earlier.

The awesome

• Meimi Hartman's crushed Oreo balls. Obviously a lot of you want no part of anything with "crushed" and "balls" in the name, and that's understandable, but Meims is quite the tailgate chef.



• Duvel and Krispy Kremes. There's a reason that two spots on Ponce de Leon in Atlanta -- the Krispy Kreme place and Green's package store -- have become my standard stops on the way to a Georgia game.

• Getting recognized by a couple of regular readers. Nope, not making that up -- finally, my decision to use my actual name and picture on this blog pays off! I want to thank you guys for that -- because of you, my ego has grown so big it's been granted observer status at the UN. But rest assured that if The 50 Biggest Plays of the Mark Richt Era does become a published coffee-table book a couple years from now, y'all will get the first two autographed copies, which plus two bucks will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks, I'm fairly certain.

• Football in the springtime. Round about the middle of the second quarter, as the pads cracked, the band played and the cheerleaders cheered, I turned to my sister and said, out of the blue, "I'm so happy right now." Kyle King is probably right when he says spring-game devotion is kind of the football equivalent of going to the cupboard and drinking the vanilla extract when all the booze in your house is gone, but still, football is football, and in spite of the weather, it was great to be back in Athens again.

So in the end, there was nothing of an actual football nature to get too worked up about one way or the other, but neither were there any disasters big enough to elicit doubts that a national-title run is still a possibility this season. Thanks to my fellow tailgaters for a fun afternoon, and thanks to Bulldog Nation for a big turnout at the game. Here's hoping 2008 does indeed end up being a special year.

Other people's takes:

• "Official" game report from the UGA athletic association.

• David Ching's take, including fairly comprehensive individual stats.

• Paul Westerdawg's rundown, which also includes a nice long list of links to other people's recaps and analysis. He also brings us some nice video.

• Two AJC blog entries -- one from sportswriter Carter Strickland and another from devoted fanblogger Bill King.

The Friday Random Ten+5 takes a moment to enjoy the smell of its own farts.

This week marked two major milestones in this blog's relatively semi-long history: On Monday, Hey Jenny Slater won the 2007 College Football Blogger Award for Funniest Blog; today, we celebrate this blog's third birthday. Huzzah! (First-birthday auto-fellation here; second-birthday here.)

So basically I've been strutting around this past week like the Ron Jeremy of the blogosphere, and I'm gonna continue strutting today, because this week's +5 is going to take us on a fantastic voyage through the last 12 months' worth of stuff I've spewed up onto this site. Bear with my self-obsession a few minutes' more, dear readers, because on this Friday morn I'm marking three years of Hey Jenny Slater with my Five Best Posts From The Past Year:



Friday Random Ten+5: I put myself out there. (July 19)
This post marked a milestone of its own: For the first time I confessed publicly to having secret hots for both cartoon auto-insurance pitchwoman Erin Surance (above left) and the then-still-just-short-of-legal Hayden Panettiere, who plays cheerleader Clare Bennett on "Heroes" . . . thus disabusing the last few remaining people who still believed it of the notion that I'm a normal, decent human being. In my half-assed defense, Panettiere, at least, has since turned 18, but Erin is still a cartoon. And I, apparently, am still a sicko. Oh, well. But hey, where else can you get this stuff?



A liberal-arts grad cries "shenanigans" on the Worldwide Leader. (July 27)
This qualifies as a Very Important Post because it signaled the point at which I cast my lot with a select group of only a few billion brave bloggers who courageously made fun of ESPN for their "Who's Now" competition/contest/publicity stunt. Whereas other bloggers attacked "Who's Now" journalistically or ethically, however, I attacked it grammatically, which makes me a huge fricking dork refreshingly different. I still haven't figured out what the crap "Now" means, but if I did, I'm pretty sure this post would be Nower than a motherf%$#er.



"You're with me, chino": Powerful douchebags and the women who (outwardly appear to) love them. (September 18)
I'll be honest, I thought this post was fricking hilarious when I wrote it, and was kind of bummed when it didn't get more play than it did. Oh well. At least I was able to show the world that supposed left-wing über-gnome Dennis Kucinich (with new wife Elizabeth, above) is actually a pimp beyond our wildest imaginations, which is an important service in and of itself.



The unbearable Nice™ness of being. (October 10)
This is an important post because it contains actual usable advice, gained through years and years of sitting around waiting for chicks to notice my sensitive awesomeness and then turning into a cynical, bitter little dickwipe when they inevitably didn't. Guys, particularly those in high school or college: If you want to go out with a girl, seriously, you have to ask her. Sitting on your geek ass waiting for her to fall at your feet only dooms you to years of deeply unromantic lunches (yes, not even dinners, but lunches, the cold shower of meals) during which you get to hear all about the problems she's having with the football player who's actually sacked up enough to become her boyfriend. Trust me on this one, kids.



Going back to the "Simpsons" well: Your Favorite Football Team's Analogue, 2008 Election Edition. (January 9)
I may not be a smart man; I may not be attractive; I may not revolutionize the world with my writing or string together poetry that makes the ladies faint at the mere intonation of my voice; I may not be a great lover or a fighter; but I'll tell you what -- I can damn sure compare college-football teams to things.

Wow, after reminiscing through just one year's worth of posts, I realized something -- this blog is fricking sweet. You know what? Give yourselves a pat on the back for reading it. You've earned it.

And now the Ten:

1. The Smiths, "How Soon Is Now?"
2. Patton Oswalt, "Tivo!"
3. Orbital, "The Box"
4. Madonna, "Borderline"
5. KRS-One, "4th Quarter -- Free Throws"
6. Johnny Cash, "Man in Black"
7. De La Soul, "Plug Tunin"
8. A Flock of Seagulls, "Space Age Love Song"
9. Screeching Weasel, "I Wanna Be a Homosexual"
10. George Michael, "Freedom"

Boy, those last two don't do a terribly good job of reinforcing my heterosexuality, do they? Just to be on the safe side, let's pull out a Not-So-Random 11th:

11. Rodney Carrington, "Titties 'n' Beer"

Ah, yes, that's better.

Now it's your turn, readers -- what have you loved about this blog over the last 365 days? Shower me with compliments (and your own Random Tens, if you must) in the comments.