This week marked two major milestones in this blog's relatively semi-long history: On Monday, Hey Jenny Slater won the 2007 College Football Blogger Award for Funniest Blog; today, we celebrate this blog's third birthday. Huzzah! (First-birthday auto-fellation here; second-birthday here.)
So basically I've been strutting around this past week like the Ron Jeremy of the blogosphere, and I'm gonna continue strutting today, because this week's +5 is going to take us on a fantastic voyage through the last 12 months' worth of stuff I've spewed up onto this site. Bear with my self-obsession a few minutes' more, dear readers, because on this Friday morn I'm marking three years of Hey Jenny Slater with my Five Best Posts From The Past Year:
Friday Random Ten+5: I put myself out there. (July 19)
This post marked a milestone of its own: For the first time I confessed publicly to having secret hots for both cartoon auto-insurance pitchwoman Erin Surance (above left) and the then-still-just-short-of-legal Hayden Panettiere, who plays cheerleader Clare Bennett on "Heroes" . . . thus disabusing the last few remaining people who still believed it of the notion that I'm a normal, decent human being. In my half-assed defense, Panettiere, at least, has since turned 18, but Erin is still a cartoon. And I, apparently, am still a sicko. Oh, well. But hey, where else can you get this stuff?
A liberal-arts grad cries "shenanigans" on the Worldwide Leader. (July 27)
This qualifies as a Very Important Post because it signaled the point at which I cast my lot with a select group of only a few billion brave bloggers who courageously made fun of ESPN for their "Who's Now" competition/contest/publicity stunt. Whereas other bloggers attacked "Who's Now" journalistically or ethically, however, I attacked it grammatically, which makes me
"You're with me, chino": Powerful douchebags and the women who (outwardly appear to) love them. (September 18)
I'll be honest, I thought this post was fricking hilarious when I wrote it, and was kind of bummed when it didn't get more play than it did. Oh well. At least I was able to show the world that supposed left-wing über-gnome Dennis Kucinich (with new wife Elizabeth, above) is actually a pimp beyond our wildest imaginations, which is an important service in and of itself.
The unbearable Nice™ness of being. (October 10)
This is an important post because it contains actual usable advice, gained through years and years of sitting around waiting for chicks to notice my sensitive awesomeness and then turning into a cynical, bitter little dickwipe when they inevitably didn't. Guys, particularly those in high school or college: If you want to go out with a girl, seriously, you have to ask her. Sitting on your geek ass waiting for her to fall at your feet only dooms you to years of deeply unromantic lunches (yes, not even dinners, but lunches, the cold shower of meals) during which you get to hear all about the problems she's having with the football player who's actually sacked up enough to become her boyfriend. Trust me on this one, kids.
Going back to the "Simpsons" well: Your Favorite Football Team's Analogue, 2008 Election Edition. (January 9)
I may not be a smart man; I may not be attractive; I may not revolutionize the world with my writing or string together poetry that makes the ladies faint at the mere intonation of my voice; I may not be a great lover or a fighter; but I'll tell you what -- I can damn sure compare college-football teams to things.
Wow, after reminiscing through just one year's worth of posts, I realized something -- this blog is fricking sweet. You know what? Give yourselves a pat on the back for reading it. You've earned it.
And now the Ten:
1. The Smiths, "How Soon Is Now?"
2. Patton Oswalt, "Tivo!"
3. Orbital, "The Box"
4. Madonna, "Borderline"
5. KRS-One, "4th Quarter -- Free Throws"
6. Johnny Cash, "Man in Black"
7. De La Soul, "Plug Tunin"
8. A Flock of Seagulls, "Space Age Love Song"
9. Screeching Weasel, "I Wanna Be a Homosexual"
10. George Michael, "Freedom"
Boy, those last two don't do a terribly good job of reinforcing my heterosexuality, do they? Just to be on the safe side, let's pull out a Not-So-Random 11th:
11. Rodney Carrington, "Titties 'n' Beer"
Ah, yes, that's better.
Now it's your turn, readers -- what have you loved about this blog over the last 365 days? Shower me with compliments (and your own Random Tens, if you must) in the comments.