I probably don't need to remind you guys that this has been a pretty heavy week. A few days ago we marked the fifth anniversary of the start of the Iraq war; today we mark the two-thousand-and-somethingth anniversary of Jesus Christ being, you know, executed. And in between we had all that stuff with Barack Obama's church, and the attendant discourse about race relations in this country, which of course is not a funny subject at all. (Nor is the story of people at the State Department snooping illegally into Obama's passport file. Look, people, if Barack Obama wants to go overseas to build his army of jihadists who will descend upon the United States and install a glorious Muslim caliphate in Washington the moment he gets elected, that's Obama's damn business and nobody else's. OK, I guess that story is a little bit funny.)
But anyway, as the Iraq war demonstrates, there's some stuff I just don't joke about, not even on a blog as goofy and asinine as this one. Last week the +5 was random shit I find hilarious; in the spirit of this gravely serious week, today's +5 is Five Things I Do Not Find Funny And Are Not To Be Joked About On This Blog.
This one's pretty standard, I think. I don't know of anyone who likes it when someone makes fun of their mom, so you'd be wise to just lay off Barbara Gillett. She's a f&%$ing saint for one thing, plus I have it on good authority that she is a member of the Vatican's secret society of sleeper agents assigned to shed some serious heathen blood should Armageddon happen on her watch. Let me put it to you this way: Even Opus Dei is afraid of this bitch. So watch your step.
The 1999 Georgia-Georgia Tech game
Believe it or not, as militant a Georgia fan as I am, I'm actually OK with people joking about our football team. What's that, we got walloped by Tennessee this past season? We've only beaten Florida three times in the past 18 years? Sorry, I have to confess I was busy polishing our Sugar Bowl trophy and I wasn't really paying attention to what you were saying. However, there is one aspect of the Georgia football program that I simply don't accept any joking about, and that is the 1999 Georgia Tech game, which I got to witness in person get stolen from us by a bunch of refs who made Mr. Magoo look like one of the sleuths on "CSI." If I ever mention this game in conversation, you are instructed to make one contribution and one contribution only, and that is to reply, "Jasper was down, bitch." Anything else and you may end up on intimate terms with the pavement.
This is my future wife we're talking about here. Just don't go there.
My sexuality w/r/t my love of the Pet Shop Boys
I'm not a proud man, so I can concede that numerous aspects of my personality or personal style, all other things being equal, would seem to point toward homosexuality. Short, spiky hair that I regularly put "product" in? Check. Two little dogs in my household? Double check. A small imported car? Yup. Platonic man-crushes on guys like, say, Mark Richt or George Clooney? Guilty as charged; they're dreamy! And then there's the fact that I'm on a sexual dry spell so lengthy it'd make me, I don't know, common-law gay in several states. Go ahead, make your jokes. But where I draw the line is when people insinuate I must be gay because I like the Pet Shop Boys, because now you're not insulting me, you're insulting the most talented duo in the history of pop music by insinuating that nobody outside of the gay community could possibly like them. Oh, really? Axl Rose begs to differ, schmucks. At any rate, when you find a gay guy who has both the entire Pet Shop Boys catalogue and Ice Cube's "The Predator" in his iTunes stash, let me know; until then, lay off.
The state of Alabama
Look, I fully recognize that Alabama has its share of rednecks. Maybe even more than its share. The problem is that this is most frequently pointed out to me by family members and friends who live in places like Georgia and Florida, and I'm sorry, someone from Georgia or Florida chortling at Alabama's preponderance of rednecks is sort of like Donald Trump calling out Ted Koppel for having stupid hair. How about we do it like this: If you want to redneck-bait the great state of Alabama on this blog, you must first apply to me via e-mail for the right to do so, and I'll qualify or disqualify you on a case-by-case basis. Are you from the Upper East Side? Or London? OK, take your best shot. But Muscogee County, Georgia, or the Florida panhandle? Oh-ho-ho, I'm sorry, but I think you need to yank the white-trash log out of your own eye before pointing out the speck in mine. And I didn't come up with that myself, that shit's in the Bible, hater.
So now that we've got some boundaries drawn, I think we can all proceed like adults. You know what was interesting, though? This was probably the hardest +5 I've ever had to come up with -- I just don't get offended by all that many jokes, no matter what they're about. The Catholic Church? 9/11? Alzheimer's disease? Natalee Holloway? Have at it. I mean, I'm not your mom here.
And now the Random (and Very Serious) Ten:
1. Gorillaz, "Latin Simone"
2. The Beastie Boys, "Flute Loop"
3. The Smiths, "Rubber Ring"
4. Orbital, "Funny Break (Once is Enough)"
5. Radiohead, "Idioteque"
6. U2, "Numb" (Gimme Some More Dignity mix)
7. De La Soul, "Plug Tunin (Last Chance to Comprehend)"
8. Richard Cheese, "Closer"
9. Pet Shop Boys, "Somebody Else's Business"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "Liberation" (Takeoff version)
Now, what have we learned today, readers? That's right -- first person to snicker at #s nine and ten loses a toe.
Instead, why don't you share your own Random Tens and/or Not-Funnies in the comments? Wouldn't that be nice? Oh, yes, of course it would.