Tuesday, September 18

"You're with me, chino": Powerful douchebags and the women who (outwardly appear to) love them.

About this time last year, Deep South Sports released its list of the Top Wives of the SEC, and among other things, the list made it clear that a lot of Southeastern Conference football coaches have managed to snag women with whom they would otherwise have no shot whatsoever -- they "outpunted their coverage," as EDSBS eloquently put it. Henry Kissinger, of course, was the one who said "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac," and with some of these guys, you kind of think it'd have to be.

Of course, that's hardly news in other realms, politics in particular. During this campaign cycle, there's been truckloads of gossip surrounding former Sen. Fred Thompson and the 24-years-his-junior hottie he calls "The Mrs.," but Thompson is hardly the first hideous gargoyle who's ever used his Washington influence to snag someone who's way out of his league. And I don't even mean "a hooker."

But who has the greatest power over women who should clearly know better? If power truly is the ultimate aphrodisiac, then which kind of power is the most aphrodisi-riffic? To find out, I bogarted a highly scientific method that Maxim used a few years ago -- back before they completely jumped the shark -- to determine whether rock stars or athletes were better able to outpunch their weight in the wife/girlfriend department. I've compared a number of coaches and politicians with their wives on the usual 1-10 scale, counted up the total discrepancy between repulsive troll and hottie spouse for each category -- or "Spousal Hotness Gap," if you will, and I do -- and used that gap to determine who's using their fame and influence to overcome the most severe hideousness.

The results follow. We'll start with . . .

SEC FOOTBALL COACHES


PHIL AND VICKY FULMER
Phil Fulmer is the only coach about whom I've ever said, "Oh my God, is he wearing Under Armour on the sideline? . . . Oh, no, wait, that's a windbreaker." Anything else I could say about him would simply be gratuitous. As for Vicky, it's hard to find very many pictures of her on the Intertubes, but apparently they have a reasonably hot daughter, and you know that didn't come from Phil, so I'm willing to give her some benefit of the doubt.
Phil: 3.5
Vicky: 6.5
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 3 points



STEVE AND JERI SPURRIER
Even when the Ol' Ballcoach is in a good mood -- I'm just kind of assuming that it does happen -- he has this twisted-up, cranky look like he's either pinching off a particularly challenging loaf or needs to, bad. Jeri, though, doesn't look half bad for being in her fifties. From certain angles, she almost looks a little like my mom, and Barbara Gillett is a 10, period, end of discussion.
Steve: 5.5
Jeri: 7
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 1.5 points



ED AND KELLY ORGERON
As far as Ed goes, it's hard to make objective judgments about someone whose name is so closely identified with insanity; all I can say is that even when he's not bellowing incantations to Cthulhu or whatever he does before games, he looks like one of the coaches you'd always see roaming around your high school in inappropriately short shorts with a whistle around his neck, even when he was only teaching a fricking civics class. His wife, on the other hand, looks like a feisty one -- though I guess when you've pledged your life to The Orgeron, you'd have to be. When you put that suckling pig on the family dinner table, you better get your piece quick, because The Ogre has no patience for the meek.
Ed: 6.5
Kelly: 9
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 2.5 points



MARK AND KATHARYN RICHT
Mark, as has been explained many times on this site, qualifies for Hey Jenny Slater Purely Platonic Man-Crush status. Katharyn, meanwhile, looks like the mom of the kid down the street you were best friends with when you were six, and in your youthful innocence, you interpreted her offering of a second juice box as a pledge of eternal love. Call me a homer, but they're both equally adorable.
Mark: 8.5
Katharyn: 8.5
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 0 points



TOMMY AND SUZANNE TUBERVILLE
Tubbs isn't a bad-looking guy in the face -- seems like the kind of guy who might have earned the nickname "the silver fox" at some point in his life -- and one of my best friends, who was a Tri-Delt at Auburn, once told me she thought he was hot, but then again she went to Auburn so what the fuck does she know. I think we all know what the problem is here: It's the ears, and no, they haven't been photoshopped in that picture. Those ears singlehandedly drop Tubbs from "well-read country lawyer" to "guy in coveralls who comes out of the backwoods service station to ask if you want your oil checked." In an odd contrast to her husband, who never met a camera he wouldn't jump in front of, Suzanne Tuberville might be the most kept-under-wraps spouse in the entire SEC; apparently some things just need to be kept secret on the Plains, like who the coach's wife is or why the offensive line apparently hates Brandon Cox and wants him to die a slow, painful death.
Tommy: 7
Suzanne: 8
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 1 point



URBAN AND SHELLEY MEYER
Urban has the fresh-faced good looks you'd expect from one of the youngest coaches in D-IAA, but he's also one of the few coaches in America who have fewer facial expressions than Mark Richt. He kind of reminds me of what Papa John's founder John Schnatter would look like after a frontal lobotomy. Can't say I know all that much about Shelley's personality, but she is cute, and if the above picture is any indication, she's clearly willing to slut it up a bit in the name of school spirit (if only to fit in with the rest of the chicks in Gainesville).
Urban: 8
Shelley: 8.5
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 0.5 points


PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES


DENNIS AND ELIZABETH KUCINICH
Just to give you an idea of what a way-out-there pinko liberal I am, almost any time I take one of those "Which Candidate Most Closely Reflects Your Political Views?" quizzes on the Web, Kucinich pops out as the #1 answer -- but I'm sorry, there's just something about him that seems a little lacking in gravitas. Honestly, I've seen garden gnomes that are more physically intimidating. Yet somehow, looking like the love child of a Vulcan and Count Chocula didn't keep him from bagging a British hottie who's at least a full head taller than he is. Jon Stewart pretty much summed it up: The dude must be packing some serious rod.
Dennis: 3
Elizabeth: 9
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 6 points



FRED AND JERI THOMPSON
If you needed any further evidence that the Washington pundit class is completely out of touch with reality, to say nothing of the American people, they think Fred Thompson will appeal to the electorate because he's a hottie. The fuck? Dude, Fred Thompson is about as erotic as the cranky granddad on "Everybody Loves Raymond" -- he looks like a slightly slimmer, even crustier version of Phil Fulmer, and without even the benefit of a national title. Yet apparently he's managed to find at least one attractive younger woman who's willing to go to bed with him, and while I'm not sure America is quite ready for a First Lady who'd look more at home singing "Happy Birthday" whilst hula-hooping at Hooters than she would receiving foreign heads of state at the White House, Jeri Thompson still qualifies as trophy-licious.
Fred: 3.5
Jeri: 9
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 5.5 points



RUDY AND JUDITH GIULIANI
Even with a different, non-combover hairstyle, Rudy would still look like Nosferatu; if he's getting any kind of regular ass at all, he's playing over his head. Based on his presidential campaign, I can only assume that when he first met Judith Nathan, his pick-up line involved some variation of "You know, I was the mayor when 9/11 happened."
Rudy: 4
Judith: 7
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 3 points



MITT AND ANN ROMNEY
Mitt Romney is a handsome guy, but in a mid-'80s-game-show-host kind of way; he's not hard to look at, but you wouldn't buy a car from him, either. Ann, on the other hand, is MILF Zero, totally Beverly D'Angelo in the National Lampoon "Vacation" movies. (On that note, Mitt getting seduced by Christie Brinkley during a cross-country trip on the Romney Campaign Bus would be, like, the best political scandal ever.)
Mitt: 7.5
Ann: 9
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 1.5 points



BARACK AND MICHELLE OBAMA
Like the Richts, they're pretty evenly matched; neither one has anything to be embarrassed about. Michelle looks a little bit like how Condoleezza Rice would look if she weren't constantly wearing that look of dread over Satan inevitably coming to collect her soul, like she promised.
Barack: 8
Michelle: 8
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 0 points



HILLARY AND BILL CLINTON
I think Hillary catches way more crap about her looks than she deserves to -- though it probably comes with the territory when you're a woman who's dared to run for president -- but let's be honest here: She might not even rank in the top 25 of the hottest women Bill has ever bedded and we all know it. Of course, that says a lot more about Bill than it does about her.
Hillary: 7
Bill: 8
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 1 point


SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP TOTAL
Coaches: 8.5 points (1.42 average)
Presidential candidates: 17 points (2.83 average)


And there you have it: Being an ambitious politician has nearly twice the power of SEC coach-hood in terms of attaining arm candy far above one's station. So kids, if you want to pull women who are way out of your league, you're much better off running for president. Leave the coaching to guys who are either already reasonably good-looking or content to spend all their waking hours locked in a film room.

14 comments:

Universal REMONSTER said...

".....when he's not bellowing incantations to Cthulhu or whatever he does before games..."

Laughed. My. Ass. Off.

Hunker Down said...

Elizabeth Kucinich = Beard? Albeit a striking, Nicole Kidman-ish beard. Unless he has another reason to widen his stance at the urinal - per Jon Stewart.

JasonC said...

I really think you need to dock both Clintons a point. Bill might have been an 8 during his early presidency, but he is looking really old and needs some cucumber slices for those bags under his eyes.

Also, I seriously thought that was Fred Thompson's daughter and you couldn't find a photo of his wife.

Tom said...

Yeah, but at least the SEC coaches (Fulmer aside) have some motivation to stay in shape -- it's hard to convince your players to stay in shape if you haven't seen your willy in years. The politicians have no such need. In fact in the case of the Republicans they may not be using it anyway, considering how much they tell us not to use ours.

zen bubba said...

Doesn't Thompson's wife loose points for not paying her plastic surgery bill?

Will said...

I'm convinced that if you slapped a pair of giant ears on James Marsters (he played Spike on BtVS and Angel) in 20 years, he'd look like Tuberville.
Were any of Rudy's other wives (what's he up to now, the fifth one? Party of family values, I tell ya) hot?
And don't get too ashamed about your pinko-status...there's been a few times I've found myself agreeing with Mike Gravel.

Sarah said...

I used to work with Spurrier's high-school girlfriend. She was a nice lady who aged VERY well. Spurrier allegedly treated her like shit. Big surprise there.
FWIW, I think Fred T. is hot, but I think that's my Law & Order obsession gone too far.

Matt said...

To answer your question about Shelly Meyer, she'll often run around that stadium after a win slapping the hands of everyone she can. Also, when Gameday came to Gainesville, she told the cheerleaders to lift her up so she could lead the whole crowd in cheers. So yes, she is awesome and excitable, the exact awesome of Urban (well, he's awesome, but in a different way).

Zebulon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Defender90 said...

I think Fred Thompson's gal pal is just as likely to be a beard as Kucinich's.

As for Mrs. Houston Nutt, she looks kinda like Stockard Channing from "Grease" in this pic, but then it's not exactly a closeup.

http://www.ardemgaz.com/prev/uacoach/

Anonymous said...

Great work, but imo you underplayed the true gap between The Dennis and the missus. That gap is at least seven points, maybe eight. But then I don't have a liberal man crush on Dennis, and I do have a general fetish for tall, natural redheads.

gerry dorsey said...

say what you want about mike shula...but when he got fired the hottest wife the sec had left with him.

mash me for shari shula

travis said...

Barack an 8? Bill and 8? WTF?

Barack has a mouth like a horse with the ears to match, while Bill's nose is the size of a golf ball. At least he can stop dying his hair gray...that's all natural, baby!

Sebastian said...

Genius