"You're with me, chino": Powerful douchebags and the women who (outwardly appear to) love them.

About this time last year, Deep South Sports released its list of the Top Wives of the SEC, and among other things, the list made it clear that a lot of Southeastern Conference football coaches have managed to snag women with whom they would otherwise have no shot whatsoever -- they "outpunted their coverage," as EDSBS eloquently put it. Henry Kissinger, of course, was the one who said "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac," and with some of these guys, you kind of think it'd have to be.

Of course, that's hardly news in other realms, politics in particular. During this campaign cycle, there's been truckloads of gossip surrounding former Sen. Fred Thompson and the 24-years-his-junior hottie he calls "The Mrs.," but Thompson is hardly the first hideous gargoyle who's ever used his Washington influence to snag someone who's way out of his league. And I don't even mean "a hooker."

But who has the greatest power over women who should clearly know better? If power truly is the ultimate aphrodisiac, then which kind of power is the most aphrodisi-riffic? To find out, I bogarted a highly scientific method that Maxim used a few years ago -- back before they completely jumped the shark -- to determine whether rock stars or athletes were better able to outpunch their weight in the wife/girlfriend department. I've compared a number of coaches and politicians with their wives on the usual 1-10 scale, counted up the total discrepancy between repulsive troll and hottie spouse for each category -- or "Spousal Hotness Gap," if you will, and I do -- and used that gap to determine who's using their fame and influence to overcome the most severe hideousness.

The results follow. We'll start with . . .

SEC FOOTBALL COACHES


PHIL AND VICKY FULMER
Phil Fulmer is the only coach about whom I've ever said, "Oh my God, is he wearing Under Armour on the sideline? . . . Oh, no, wait, that's a windbreaker." Anything else I could say about him would simply be gratuitous. As for Vicky, it's hard to find very many pictures of her on the Intertubes, but apparently they have a reasonably hot daughter, and you know that didn't come from Phil, so I'm willing to give her some benefit of the doubt.
Phil: 3.5
Vicky: 6.5
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 3 points


STEVE AND JERI SPURRIER
Even when the Ol' Ballcoach is in a good mood -- I'm just kind of assuming that it does happen -- he has this twisted-up, cranky look like he's either pinching off a particularly challenging loaf or needs to, bad. Jeri, though, doesn't look half bad for being in her fifties. From certain angles, she almost looks a little like my mom, and Barbara Gillett is a 10, period, end of discussion.
Steve: 5.5
Jeri: 7
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 1.5 points


ED AND KELLY ORGERON
As far as Ed goes, it's hard to make objective judgments about someone whose name is so closely identified with insanity; all I can say is that even when he's not bellowing incantations to Cthulhu or whatever he does before games, he looks like one of the coaches you'd always see roaming around your high school in inappropriately short shorts with a whistle around his neck, even when he was only teaching a fricking civics class. His wife, on the other hand, looks like a feisty one -- though I guess when you've pledged your life to The Orgeron, you'd have to be. When you put that suckling pig on the family dinner table, you better get your piece quick, because The Ogre has no patience for the meek.
Ed: 6.5
Kelly: 9
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 2.5 points


MARK AND KATHARYN RICHT
Mark, as has been explained many times on this site, qualifies for Hey Jenny Slater Purely Platonic Man-Crush status. Katharyn, meanwhile, looks like the mom of the kid down the street you were best friends with when you were six, and in your youthful innocence, you interpreted her offering of a second juice box as a pledge of eternal love. Call me a homer, but they're both equally adorable.
Mark: 8.5
Katharyn: 8.5
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 0 points


TOMMY AND SUZANNE TUBERVILLE
Tubbs isn't a bad-looking guy in the face -- seems like the kind of guy who might have earned the nickname "the silver fox" at some point in his life -- and one of my best friends, who was a Tri-Delt at Auburn, once told me she thought he was hot, but then again she went to Auburn so what the fuck does she know. I think we all know what the problem is here: It's the ears, and no, they haven't been photoshopped in that picture. Those ears singlehandedly drop Tubbs from "well-read country lawyer" to "guy in coveralls who comes out of the backwoods service station to ask if you want your oil checked." In an odd contrast to her husband, who never met a camera he wouldn't jump in front of, Suzanne Tuberville might be the most kept-under-wraps spouse in the entire SEC; apparently some things just need to be kept secret on the Plains, like who the coach's wife is or why the offensive line apparently hates Brandon Cox and wants him to die a slow, painful death.
Tommy: 7
Suzanne: 8
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 1 point


URBAN AND SHELLEY MEYER
Urban has the fresh-faced good looks you'd expect from one of the youngest coaches in D-IAA, but he's also one of the few coaches in America who have fewer facial expressions than Mark Richt. He kind of reminds me of what Papa John's founder John Schnatter would look like after a frontal lobotomy. Can't say I know all that much about Shelley's personality, but she is cute, and if the above picture is any indication, she's clearly willing to slut it up a bit in the name of school spirit (if only to fit in with the rest of the chicks in Gainesville).
Urban: 8
Shelley: 8.5
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 0.5 points

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES


DENNIS AND ELIZABETH KUCINICH
Just to give you an idea of what a way-out-there pinko liberal I am, almost any time I take one of those "Which Candidate Most Closely Reflects Your Political Views?" quizzes on the Web, Kucinich pops out as the #1 answer -- but I'm sorry, there's just something about him that seems a little lacking in gravitas. Honestly, I've seen garden gnomes that are more physically intimidating. Yet somehow, looking like the love child of a Vulcan and Count Chocula didn't keep him from bagging a British hottie who's at least a full head taller than he is. Jon Stewart pretty much summed it up: The dude must be packing some serious rod.
Dennis: 3
Elizabeth: 9
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 6 points


FRED AND JERI THOMPSON
If you needed any further evidence that the Washington pundit class is completely out of touch with reality, to say nothing of the American people, they think Fred Thompson will appeal to the electorate because he's a hottie. The fuck? Dude, Fred Thompson is about as erotic as the cranky granddad on "Everybody Loves Raymond" -- he looks like a slightly slimmer, even crustier version of Phil Fulmer, and without even the benefit of a national title. Yet apparently he's managed to find at least one attractive younger woman who's willing to go to bed with him, and while I'm not sure America is quite ready for a First Lady who'd look more at home singing "Happy Birthday" whilst hula-hooping at Hooters than she would receiving foreign heads of state at the White House, Jeri Thompson still qualifies as trophy-licious.
Fred: 3.5
Jeri: 9
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 5.5 points


RUDY AND JUDITH GIULIANI
Even with a different, non-combover hairstyle, Rudy would still look like Nosferatu; if he's getting any kind of regular ass at all, he's playing over his head. Based on his presidential campaign, I can only assume that when he first met Judith Nathan, his pick-up line involved some variation of "You know, I was the mayor when 9/11 happened."
Rudy: 4
Judith: 7
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 3 points


MITT AND ANN ROMNEY
Mitt Romney is a handsome guy, but in a mid-'80s-game-show-host kind of way; he's not hard to look at, but you wouldn't buy a car from him, either. Ann, on the other hand, is MILF Zero, totally Beverly D'Angelo in the National Lampoon "Vacation" movies. (On that note, Mitt getting seduced by Christie Brinkley during a cross-country trip on the Romney Campaign Bus would be, like, the best political scandal ever.)
Mitt: 7.5
Ann: 9
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 1.5 points


BARACK AND MICHELLE OBAMA
Like the Richts, they're pretty evenly matched; neither one has anything to be embarrassed about. Michelle looks a little bit like how Condoleezza Rice would look if she weren't constantly wearing that look of dread over Satan inevitably coming to collect her soul, like she promised.
Barack: 8
Michelle: 8
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 0 points


HILLARY AND BILL CLINTON
I think Hillary catches way more crap about her looks than she deserves to -- though it probably comes with the territory when you're a woman who's dared to run for president -- but let's be honest here: She might not even rank in the top 25 of the hottest women Bill has ever bedded and we all know it. Of course, that says a lot more about Bill than it does about her.
Hillary: 7
Bill: 8
SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP: 1 point

SPOUSAL HOTNESS GAP TOTAL
Coaches: 8.5 points (1.42 average)
Presidential candidates: 17 points (2.83 average)

And there you have it: Being an ambitious politician has nearly twice the power of SEC coach-hood in terms of attaining arm candy far above one's station. So kids, if you want to pull women who are way out of your league, you're much better off running for president. Leave the coaching to guys who are either already reasonably good-looking or content to spend all their waking hours locked in a film room.