Monday, July 13

Monday Morning Cage Match V:
The Lexus flexes from Long Beach to Texas.

The Cage Match is pretty straightforward this week, or as straightforward as anything can be that compares a car to a state: This morning's competition is Lexus vs. Texas.





Lexus

Texas
Founded19891845
WINNER: Texas
Immediate
impact
Loss of market share for established German and American luxury-car brandsA new slave state, war with Mexico
WINNER: Lexus
Major productsIS-series sports sedan, LS460 luxury sedan, RX350 sport-utility vehicleOil, livestock, cotton, football stars, batshit-crazy politicians
WINNER: Lexus
Motto"The Pursuit of Perfection""Friendship" (seriously)
WINNER: Lexus
Awards/
distinctions
Named most reliable auto brand in the U.S. fourteen times by J.D. Power and AssociatesLargest of the lower 48 states, 2005 college football championship
WINNER: Texas
Do they make hybrids?YesThat sounds like one a them faggot-ass hippie tree-hugger cars
WINNER: Lexus
Responsible for George W. Bush?NoYes
WINNER: Lexus


FINAL SCORE: Lexus 5, Texas 2. Damn, Texas, you just officially got messed with.

6 comments:

Tommy said...

Texas, messing back:

Um, how's this for immediate *and sustained* impact: 160 years after paving the way for Manifest Destiny, Texas created more new jobs in 2008 than the other 49 states COMBINED. Our GDP is $1.245 Trillion (~10% of US GDP), second highest in US. Seriously, you're comparing us to a fucking Lexus?

Major products: Without our oil, your Lexus is a shiny $50,000 lawn ornament. Plus, "Dallas," Willie Nelson and Shiner Beer and Dell computers aren't major products? Really?

Do they make hybrids? Yes, the Cadillac Escalade Hybrid is manufactured in Arlington, TX, and the Scorpion hybrid "supercar" is manufactured in Marble Falls, TX. Also, Texas is a hotbed of companies that make batteries for hybrids, including Valence Technology.

5-2 Texas, messing with Lexus.

Tommy said...

You got us on Dubya, but we did give you Ann Richards and Ron Paul, and I'm pretty sure Lexus doesn't have any of those lying around.

Billy Merck said...

What about Alexis Texas?

Josh M. said...

Don't Mess With Tommy.

I love Texans. They'd give a spirited defense of slavery if it had anything to do with state pride. Awesome.

Holly said...

Ahem.

Gen. Stoopnagle said...

Yeah, what Tommy said. And I'll throw Molly Ivins and Jim Hightower on top of that shitty Lexus. I'm sure Molly could hack it up reel nice.

And, yes, thank you Holly. Texas Pom Team's chaps should count for something.