Monday, July 27

Monday Morning Cage Match VII:
Puppets vs. strumpets.

Last night we were at dinner, and I don't know how we got on this particular subject, but we got into a disagreement over the release date of "Debbie Does Dallas," the kind of hotly contested but completely meaningless debate that only a rapid iPhone-assisted Web search could solve. Turns out it was released two days after Christmas in 1978, making the film only six months younger than I am. To what could we compare such an iconic film? In the spirit of the Monday Morning Cage Match, it would have to be a film with which it has only the most superficial, irrelevant similarities, and I think we've found a good one: Prepare yourselves for "Debbie Does Dallas" vs. "The Muppets Take Manhattan."

Debbie Does Dallas

The Muppets Take Manhattan
Goal of protagonist(s)Getting to Dallas to try out for the "Texas Cowgirls" cheerleading squadBecoming huge Broadway stars
WINNER: Debbie
Goal achieved?Who the hell knowsYes
WINNER: Muppets
StarsBambi Woods, Robert Kerman, Rikki O'NealKermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Fozzie
WINNER: Muppets
Percentage of action that takes place in titular cityZero75 or so
WINNER: Muppets
Sex acts captured on filmMore than 40Only the scene where Rowlf gives Miss Piggy a Dirty Sanchez
WINNER: Debbie
Hands up asses?Shockingly, noYes, if you count all the puppets
WINNER: Muppets
Sequels"Debbie Does Dallas" 2, 3, and 4; "Debbie Does Dallas: The Next Generation"; "Debbie Does Iowa"; "Debbie Duz Dishes" 1, 2, and 3; "Bang the Debbie Slowly" (seriously)"The Muppet Christmas Carol," "Muppet Treasure Island," "Muppets from Space"
WINNER: Debbie (although "Muppet Christmas Carol" is a great film)

WINNER: Muppets 4, Debbie 3. Somehow I don't think this is likely to end the debate over which is the more iconic film, but whatever.

1 comment:

Holly said...

This post is the pinnacle of its art form. Whatever that is.