SEC Media Days is going on right down the road from me at the Wynfrey Hotel in Hoover, and while Orson Swindle, Joel Hollingsworth, and Cocknfire all got their media credentials for the event, I crapped out on getting any for myself. Hopefully one of them will be reading this and be brave enough to answer the questions I cannot, for here are the questions that I, on behalf of the great college-football-watching unwashed, would pose to each of the 12 SEC coaches:
Rich Brooks (Kentucky): What brings you joy? You don't have to say "coaching Kentucky football."
Gene Chizik (Auburn): Are there ever mornings when you wake up and think, "Holy fuck, how in the world did I ever get this job?"
Bobby Johnson (Vanderbilt): Are there ever mornings when you wake up and think, "I coach at Vanderbilt, if I win so much as five games they think I'm a fucking miracle worker," and if so, does that pretty much make your job the most awesome job ever?
Lane Kiffin (Tennessee): Faggotsayswhat?
Follow-up: I said, faggotsayswhat?
Urban Meyer (Florida): Will you take the head coaching job at Notre Dame after Charlie Weis gets fired at the end of this season?
Follow-up: How about the Dallas Cowboys?
Follow-up II: How about if I give you this nice crisp $100 bill?
Les Miles (LSU): You're basically wearing hats that size just to fuck with us at this point, aren't you?
Dan Mullen (Mississippi State): Do you ever feel pangs of regret at having left a wildly successful Florida program for this exceedingly difficult job, and if so, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a single tear rolling down your cheek and 10 being such an incredible tsunami of tears that you wish you could drown yourself in it, how much would you say you weep at these thoughts?
Houston Nutt (Ole Miss): The phrase we keep hearing over and over again regarding your team's prospects in 2009 is that you "don't handle high expectations well." Do those kinds of comments make you crazy?
Follow-up: Crazy enough to . . . wrestle this bear?!?!? (lead bear into room on leash)
Bobby Petrino (Arkansas): If Auburn administrators had come to you last fall after firing Tommy Tuberville and offered you their head-coaching job, you totally would've taken it, wouldn't you?
Mark Richt (Georgia): Last season you said that you eased off on full-contact drills in tackling practice. You do realize that that pretty much runs completely counter to the concept of "tackle" football, don't you?
Nick Saban (Alabama): What kind of small, furry animals did you strangle to death after Alabama's losses to Florida in the SEC title game and Utah in the Sugar Bowl last year, respectively, and how many of each?
Steve Spurrier (South Carolina): On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being "not at all" and 10 being "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," how much would you say your lackluster showing at South Carolina has damaged your overall coaching legacy?