Wednesday, May 10

Return of the Simpsons; or, Things to do in Denver when you're bored.

OK, I know I probably promised at some point that I wasn't going to do this again, but . . . well, I was bored, so I decided to update the Simpsons/college football post from a few months back. No, for real, this is the last time, I promise. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about with any of this, first go here, where the following teams have been appended to the original post. Here we go . . .

West Virginia: Cletus
Their hillbilly steez leaves them vulnerable to a lot of redneck/inbreeding jokes, but they're crazy like a fox, so don't mess with them unless you're prepared to see some serious damage left in their wake -- just ask the Bulldogs. (Browbeaten into this by literally dozens of commenters.)

Northwestern: Professor Frink
Geek quotient and steady stream of hoyven glayven-worthy screwups in the lab and on the gridiron would seem to indicate that they don't need to be taken all that seriously, yet every once in a while, in the midst of their usual explosions and embarrassing misfires, they manage to come up with a weapon that qualifies as truly dangerous.

Purdue: Dr. Julius Hibbert
Jolly sorts who seem to be able to weather any kind of tragedy -- losing a patient, stumbling through a 5-6 season -- with an "Oh well, we'll get 'em next time" kind of attitude. While this outlook might be sunny and carefree, however, they're eventually going to have to get on the stick and start taking things seriously if they ever want to advance. (Of course, as Kansas State and Nick Riviera have demonstrated, things could certainly be a lot worse.)

California: Dr. Marvin Monroe
Touchy-feely approach seems to be just the ticket on paper, and has been hailed by countless trend-followers looking for the Next Big Thing -- yet nobody who's been through this program, be it one of the Simpsons or Kyle Boller, seems to have improved all that much.

Tulane: Bleeding Gums Murphy
Hard-luck cases you really want things to work out for, even if you have no personal attachment to them, yet paradoxically, their deep ties to the blues mean that any lasting success would kind of negate their underdog status and thus their ability to make people root for them.

Hawaii: Bee Guy
¡Que curiosidad! Out on the fringes, to be sure, but they've each managed to parlay their respective gimmicks into personae that are memorable, if not exactly multifaceted. Consequential or not, they seem like they'd be perfectly enjoyable to hang out with. (Yes, I know everyone was expecting Bee Guy to be Georgia Tech, but come on, Comic Book Guy was perfect.)

Texas Tech: Sideshow Mel
Also gimmick players, but gimmick players who have managed to take their various devices and turn them into a whole lot more media attention than they ever would've gotten otherwise. At times they actually look a good bit smarter than the headliners, but at the same time you can't really see them carrying a show all by themselves.

Idaho and Utah State: Rod and Todd Flanders
Small-time, easily dismissible tykes hailing from some of the Jesus-freakiest places on earth. Barren, ultraconservative existences make even the most minor victories worth cheering about. Main roles in life seem to be serving as easy marks for the LSUs/Ralph Muntzes of the world as they go in search of easy targets.

Kansas: Rev. Timothy Lovejoy
Non-flashy, ultraconservative, occasionally manage to do something that captures the attention of the general public, but this usually lasts only a few moments before everyone turns to hipper, more visible programs. They give it their all every weekend, yet you can't help but think they?d be a lot happier if they could just chuck the whole thing and concentrate on their true passions, be it basketball or model trains.

Marcus Vick: Helen Lovejoy
OK, I know this doesn?t really make much sense, I just had to make one "Won't somebody think of the children?" joke.

Missouri: Jessica Lovejoy
Wicked seductresses who'll only break your heart every single time. Seem to have everything a guy could want, but you're destined to come away feeling disappointed, empty, and used.

North Carolina State: Otto Mann
Two cast members for whom underachievement and relaxed standards have become a way of life. Constantly keep people guessing as to whether there's really any higher brain function going on up there or not.

UTEP and Tulsa: Sherri and Terri
Minor enough that you really don't want to have to pay attention to them, but they're quick-witted enough to be constant thorns in somebody's side. Very strange, even unsettling, coloration.

Southern Methodist: Jebediah Springfield
Each was once an O.G. in their respective universes, to the point where any historical account has to include them virtually by default -- but once their horrible secrets were laid bare to the public, they pretty much became a joke after that. Embiggened by a little face-saving cromulence of late, but they've still got a long way to go before they can hold their heads up high around anyone.

Boise State: Inanimate Carbon Rod
Showered with media coverage and ticker-tape parades, but how much of what they've done is actual accomplishment, and how much of it is simply managing to look good compared to the bumbling incompetents they're surrounded by? Have garnered a truly astounding amount of adulation from simply being in the right place at the right time (and being wielded by the right guy).

San Jose State: Hans Moleman
How is it that these guys aren't dead yet?

The Sun Belt Conference: Happy Little Elves
The Elves aren't real people, and I'm not convinced any of the SBC's members are real D-IA football teams. Crude in their methods, entertaining enough for those with relaxed standards, but most discerning fans grow out of them real quick.

As always, your comments and additional suggestions are welcome . . .

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