Tuesday, May 23

Riding the wild meme.

I've had some good times with other people's memes, I thought it might be fun to try and start one of my own. So here's the question, inspired by the touching sixth-season finale of "The Surreal Life"; answer at your leisure.

Let's say you somehow become famous (or infamous) enough to make it onto VH1's "The Surreal Life." Which six B-list celebrities do you want in the house with you? Allow me to lay down some ground rules for you: First, they have to be three men and three women, though if you like you can include a seventh person to serve in the Florence Henderson role as the older, less scandalous/embarrassing house mother/father who keeps the rest of you yabos in line. All these folks have to be true B-listers -- in other words, no George Clooneys or Charlize Therons in your house. And while someone like, say, David Hasselhoff might seem the very definition of a B-list celeb, he's still working (and still huge in Germany, I might add), so he's probably off limits. I'm looking for people who reside on the B-list and who currently have little enough occupying their time that you could conceivably get them on the show.

I know that's still a little nebulous, but here's my list to get you started:

Emma Bunton
I can't believe they haven't had a Spice Girl on yet, and for the 15 minutes in 1997 that the Spice Girls were popular, I'm not ashamed to say Baby Spice was my favorite. Plus having someone in the house with a heavy British accent might add some semblance of class to what might otherwise be some severely tacky, debauched proceedings.

Mr. T
Another person I'm shocked they haven't had on there yet. Everything goes better with T. There will be plenty of opportunity for fool-pitying in this house.

Heather Kozar
No reason not to have a Playmate in the house -- a Playmate of the Year, no less -- and which better one to have than the one who was once entangled in a love triangle with two of the biggest NFL draft busts of the last 20 years, Tim Couch and Cade McNown?

David Lee Roth
Had to have some kind of washed-up '80s rocker on here, and Diamond Dave just barely made the cut over Billy Idol. I just can't pass up the chance that Roth would let me play synthesizers on "Jump."

Monica Lewinsky
She's already been on one reality show, so another one wouldn't be that much of a stretch. And who better to give insight into the man himself, Bill Clinton? (Other than Hillary, of course, who I'm pretty sure wouldn't appear on this show.)

Michael Winslow
If you don't remember who he is, he's the dude who made all the funny noises in the "Police Academy" movies. I looked him up on IMDb and found that, indeed, he hasn't been working a lot lately, but he is appearing in . . . another "Police Academy" movie, due out next year? I don't know whether that's a sign of the apocalypse, but either way, he's on the show.

And my #7 pick, the mature disciplinarian of this motley crew:

Roger Moore
Did you know this cat is nearly eighty years old? That's actually older than Sean Connery, so there may be some legitimate concern over whether Rog would be hale and/or hearty enough to keep tabs on the seven of us. But if he can satisfy Jane Seymour, Barbara Bach, and Grace Jones, the ol' guy must be doing something right in terms of physical stamina (and maybe even has some pointers for a schmuck like myself). And his ex-Bond status alone should be enough to snap the rest of us in line. If Moore's not available, then the pick is Tom Jones.

So there's my group, people. Who are yours?


Anonymous said...

-Jonathan Brandis
-LaToya Jackson
-Corey Feldman
-Asia Carrere (sp?)
-Roy Moore (so he'll get the f out of Alabama, and it's always is great when you have a Bible Thumper with a porn star)
-Tori Spelling

Anonymous said...

..not that the other gubernatorial candidates are worth a crap, except Loretta Nall

Anonymous said...

Apparently, Jonathan Brandis is dead-

Lorenzo Lamas takes his place

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I'd just like to point out that David Lee Roth is appearing at Summerfest.


Okay, it's a has-been heavy kind of festival, kind of a Real World-fest, but just sayin that he wouldn't necessarily be available.

Cuz, you know, there's all these state fairs and stuff still to play.

Anonymous said...

Stephen Furst- Kent "Flounder" Dorfman - Someone to pick on.
Danny Bonaduce - Because he's an idiot and will say some pretty funny stupid stuff.
Eric Estrada - About as washed up as you can get.
Valerie Bertinelli - Good Eddie stories.
Farrah Fawcett - Still have her poster somewhere.
Dorothy Mays - July 1979 Playmate of the Month because I went to high school with her and it would be great to see how she's held up.

George Takei as the chaperone. A gay Mr Sulu and macho Ponch together should be interesting.

Anonymous said...

1. Kid and/or Play. But they have to wear their 2 Hype outfits.

2. Karen McDougal, Miss December 1997. If you ever saw her appearance on the Arsenio Hall show, you know she needs to be there.

3. Lou Gramm. Or the lead singer from Survivor.

4. Samantha Fox. Soooo hot back in the day, but so talentless. Probably has a lot of mileage these days.

5. Jessica Hahn or Fawn Hall.

6. Imo Phillips.

7. And for the Florence Henderson role, I would have suggested Robert Vaughn until Hustle came out. Instead, I'll go with John Saxon.

Anonymous said...

Hasn't Danny Bonaduce been on The Surreal Life already?


Sex kitten: Don't know yet. Probably some obscure model who's not doing much now or an ex-Playmate.

Washed-up female pop/rock star: Yeah, I'd go with Baby Spice (I have to say, my favourite Spice Girls were Sporty and Posh, though).

Washed-up male pop/rock star: Darius Rucker (frontman for Hootie and the Blowfish), or the frontman for that band who did that song "You're Gonna Get What You Give" back in '98 or so (I can't think of the fella's name...or even the band's name right now!).

Washed-up actor: I pity the foo's who haven't put Mr. T on this show yet! ;)

Washed-up actress: Don't know yet.

Washed-up child star: Dunno if they'd count, since they weren't stars per se, but... any of the kids from PBS's Ghostwriter. I loved that show back then; and, occasionally, I'll wonder what happened to all of them. Top four choices are Lenni (my favourite), Gaby I (I wanna know why she was replaced...hated Gaby II), Rob (my other favourite), and Jamal.

Reality star: As much as I loathed the guy, Stephen from Top Chef. Or Santino from the second season of Project Runway. Either one of them would make for damn good TV.

The mentor: I have NFI.

Anonymous said...

uh, Roger Moore is actually 4 years older than Sean Connery....

Anyway, my six would be:

1) Wil Wheaton of Star Trek Next Gen/blog fame

2) NASCAR legend Bill Elliot

3) Author/columnist Dave Berry

4) Cindy Crawford

5) Leeann Tweeden (of ESPN/Fredricks fame)

6) Alizee (a reletively obscure french pop singer)

For the Florence Henderson role I figure Joe Gibbs if he is availible, Arianna Huffington if he isn't...

Astronaut Mike Dexter said...

Whoops, sorry, I meant to say that Sean Connery is younger than Moore but I effed it up. It shall be amended.

Anonymous said...

yeah, that Connery is younger came thru in context. I hesitated to mention it, but it has not been so long ago that my spelling was so often lambasted.....

Dawgnoxious said...

My six:
1. Ted "the Nuge" Nugent
2. Ben "Cooter" Jones or Gary "Trainwreck" Busey
3. Anna Nicole Smith
4. Kathy Griffin
5. Macaulay Culkin
6. Molly Ringwald or Debbie Gibson

Tony said...

1. Downtown Julie Brown ? wubba wubba wubba. If she?s not available, then Kennedy.

2. Trishelle from Real World Las Vegas ? you need a hot chick/train wreck

3. XXX -- ?Perfect Strangers? Cousin Larry. Just ?cause.

4. Gerardo -- Rico Suave. C?moooooon. If he?s not available, then Slater from Saved By The Bell.

5. David Crosby ? Why not?

6. Nichelle Nichols -- Star Trek?s Uhuru! Classes up the joint a little bit.

Anonymous said...

How can you be Playmate of the Year when your boob job left you with misaligned nipples? Asymmetry from nature is fine, possibly endearing, or even unnoticeable - but to have paid for it?

Joey said...

Using your guidelines:

1) Doug Christie (These two...)
2) Jackie Christie (...would be endlessly amusing)
3) Jeru the Damaja (To talk shop, make fun of the others with. And maybe DJ Premier would come over to hang out some times.)
4) Kerri Green (I had a huge thing for her after Goonies, although she might be a little too old now)
5) William Zabka (He needs the work)
6) Cindy Margolis (Need someone who's famous solely for her looks)

7) Older type: Buddy Ryan