Thursday, December 1

Letting no good idea go unstolen, it's the Simpsons Cavalcade of College Football.

UPDATED Friday night with a few changes and plenty of additions. Mad, stupid, crazy props to everyone who has linked this post in the last 24 hours: Ian at Sexy Results, I'm a Realist, Orson and Stranko at Every Day Should Be Saturday, Paul Westerdawg at Georgia Sports Blog, and -- holy s?#@! -- SI on Campus. Not to mention what is, quite frankly, a humbling and intimidating number of school-specific forums and message boards. (I couldn't read what they said about this on Tider Insider, but I'm fearing the worst.)

UPDATED 12/13, and again 2/5/6. And
again 5/10/6. Jeebus. OK, I'm going now.

Earlier this week Nathan at Golden Tornado took the unique initiative to run down the entire Atlantic Coast Conference by picking out which Smurf was most representative of each ACC team. And somehow today the long, convoluted Kevin Bacon chain of Web sites I surfed to led me to this epic, amazing, utterly impossible-to-recreate post from Ian at Sexy Results matching just about every DI-A football team with a rap act. And since Ian's most recent post includes pictures of a bunch of Simpsons characters each rocking their most appropriate ACC-team gear, well . . . I did what every good blogger would do and bogarted ideas from blogs that, when all is said and done, are probably a lot better than mine. Herewith, your field guide to the Southeastern Conference (and a bunch of other teams besides), as explained via the cosmology of "The Simpsons":


Georgia: Homer Simpson
Like Homer, the Dawgs are a good-hearted bunch who aren't always the most socially acceptable people in any given group, but they mean well. Ever since Vince Dooley surrendered the job of head coach, they've been hoping someone will call them "sir" without adding "you're making a scene," and though season after season seems to have been set up for breakthrough success in recent years, they still manage to trip over something along the way. Which usually has something to do with . . .


Florida: Bart Simpson
Flippant, cocky, some dare call them "assholes," but they're the kind of guys who, even when they're not completely on their game -- which pretty much describes Florida ever since Spurrier left -- are still good enough to be envied by 90% of everyone else. Despite whatever shortcomings they may have, they're still a constant thorn in pretty much everyone else's side. Both are also frequently seen in blue shorts of some kind. And both have consistently managed to get the better of . . .


Tennessee: Sideshow Bob
Both Sideshow Bob and Big Orange Nation are convinced of their own superiority, though there's not much backing either of them up these days. Sideshow Bob has been spending most of his time in jail, while the Vols have been sucking wind on a 5-6 season (and spending a lot of time in jail, now that I think about it). Two of the most easily dislikeable characters in their respective neighborhoods.


South Carolina: Edna Krabappel
Like Edna, the Gamecocks have gone a long time with very little to celebrate, and they've gotten used to crushing disappointment. Yet there's that kinda-sexy, kinda-trashy thing about both of them that tell you she could be really hot if only the right guy with the initials SS -- be it Seymour Skinner or Steve Spurrier -- came along.


Vanderbilt: Lisa Simpson
A lone voice of reason and intellect in a 'hood that is otherwise completely insane. She rarely garners much attention for her exploits, but yeah, she is gonna be your boss one day.


Kentucky: Ralphie Wiggum
Utterly, completely, laughably dysfunctional, and just as utterly, completely, laughably unaware of this situation (unless the UK administration honestly believes Rich Brooks is their ticket to the big-time). And now the 'Cats have to deal with NCAA sanctions on top of that. "You'll wear 'em until you learn, son."


LSU: Nelson Muntz
The schoolyard bully, LSU would just as soon kick your ass as look at you, and then laugh about it. Yet there's deep dysfunction lurking within that's always the chink in the armor. Residual anger over a deadbeat dad? Turnover issues? An inexplicable fourth-quarter collapse to Tennessee? An equally inexplicable crush on Lisa? Yeah, they're scary, but that doesn't make them invincible. Very complex characters both.


Alabama: Moe Szyslak
The crankiest, most dyspeptic fan base in all of college football, and the biggest complainers. Win or lose, there's something to fume about, usually a perceived lack of respect from everyone else. While Moe/Alabama is absolutely convinced that everyone else sucks, though, they also suffer from some deep-seated self-loathing. Yes, Alabama, you went 3-8 not that long ago. Yes, you got jilted by Dennis Franchione. But you're still better than dirt. Well, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. You can't compete with that stuff.


Auburn: Marge Simpson
Just as Marge has a long history with Homer, so does Auburn have a long history with Georgia; the Tigers and Dawgs have been inexorably linked ever since they played the Southeast's first college football game in Piedmont Park more than a century ago. They spar on a regular basis, and while Marge/Auburn frequently gets the better of her counterpart, she still feels underappreciated for her exploits. Every once in a while, this simmering resentment comes boiling to the surface, but Marge usually just solves this with a weekend at Rancho Relaxo. Auburn, regrettably, lunges for the fire hose.



Ole Miss and Mississippi State: Lenny and Carl, respectively
Perpetual sidekicks, occasionally good for a laugh, but they're almost certain to never make their way into the limelight. However, the Rebels and Bulldogs have a grand total of one appearance in the SEC championship game. Even Lenny and Carl can count on at least a little screen time in each episode.


Arkansas: Groundskeeper Willie
A loner, an outsider, a funny-talkin' sort who comes off as just plain weird to most other people. Yet there's just something indescribably dangerous about them that can be counted on to rear its ugly head every once in a while.

And a quick look around the country:


Southern Cal: Fat Tony DeMico
He is the Godfather, the man with the plan, the man pulling the strings. And if you've turned on ESPN in the last five months, you know there's absolutely no escaping his clutches.


Notre Dame: Montgomery Burns
Been around since the beginning of time; the amount of money and power he controls is massive, absurd, and quite frankly, a little scary. The kind of guy everyone in town loves to hate -- but they'd switch places with him in half a second.


Boston College: Waylon Smithers
Loves Montgomery Burns. Wants soooo bad to be Montgomery Burns. Ain't gonna happen. (Note: This is in no way intended as a knock on Doug Flutie, one of the most awesome people who ever lived.)


Texas: Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby
Powerful, attention-getting, glamorous, yet always in danger of being brought low by its unshakeable vices -- e.g. money, poontang, losing to Oklahoma.


Miami: Snake
A straight-up thug and proud of it. If you don't fear him, you're a fool; if you don't dislike him, you're just a dick.


Florida State: Police Chief Clancy Wiggum
Oh, man, what a season. It's no cakewalk being an aging football coach, juggling a punchless offense and a growing nepotism controversy like so many juggling balls . . . two, I suppose. Still an authority figure, mainly because nobody else stepped up to take the job, but getting easier and easier to laugh at.


Virginia Tech: Krusty the Klown
Famous, powerful, living the kind of celebrity life anyone in his circle would gladly trade for. Yet each is haunted by his own demons of self-loathing -- Krusty is constantly worried he's going to be exposed as a no-talent fraud, while the Hokies are constantly worried they really are going to be pumping gas one day for the kids over in Charlottesville.


Ohio State: Drederick Tatum
Thugs. They may wear nice outfits, but they're still thugs.


Virginia: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
Went through long, difficult, trying ordeals to get from where they started out (the slums of India, a 32-77-1 record in the 1970s) to where they are now . . . which still ain't that good, unless you like working in a convenience store or spending your postseason on blue Astroturf. Then there's the whole mustache thing.


Michigan: Kent Brockman
Huge television draws both, and because of that, you just can't quite get away from either the Wolverines or Brockman; they demand your attention. Yet neither is quite as relevant as they think. At least three losses in six straight seasons? Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers.


Texas A&M: Disco Stu
Once upon a time, both Stu and TAMU were forces to be reckoned with. Now they are sad shells of their former selves, regarded mostly with head-shaking derision.


Army/Navy: Kang/Kodos
In both cases, both of these guys are really on different planets compared to the rest of us. Yet any recruit who'd pass up a shot at NFL dollars for the chance to serve his country is pretty far beyond the rest of us, too.


Georgia Tech: Comic Book Guy
This one I shouldn't really have to explain.


Oklahoma: Superintendent Chalmers
Powerful guys who've risen to the top, or very near, but where do they go from here? Just as Chalmers harbors ambitions of running for higher office, wouldn't the Sooners love to go to a national-title game and not get their asses handed to them this time?


Penn State: Abe Simpson
Old school. Older-than-old school. At times they almost make you worry they're losing it, but even then they demand your respect. After all, have you won 357 D-IA games or fought with the Flying Hellfish in WWII? No? Then STFU, whippersnapper! (Came up with this independent of commenters, but since corroborated by numerous people.)


Wisconsin: Barney Gumble
Stout, hard-drinking, the life of every party -- yet even when things are going well, they're never very far from total collapse. (Also one of those great-minds-think-alike situations.)


Michigan State: Gil the Salesman
All together now: "Damn, that felt like a Big 10 championship season!" It always begins the same with these guys, so hopeful, so full of promise, but they always manage to blow it sometime before the deal is closed. Since Gil is supposedly based on Jack Lemmon's sad-sack character from the film adaptation of "Glengarry Glen Ross," we have some advice for the Spartans: Coffee is for closers. (Thanks to ryno for the suggestion.)


Illinois: Milhouse Van Houten
Everything's coming up Illini! Yeah, sure it is. A sidekick, a second banana, a perennial also-ran. Even when good things happen for them, it ain't really that good, and thus they've become conditioned to accept mediocrity. Linked to Florida/Bart Simpson (q.v.).


BYU: Ned Flanders
Like Vanderbilt/Lisa Simpson, a lonely voice of reason and morality, only waaaay more in-your-face about it. And white -- so very, very white. So white they make George Will look like Young Jeezy. So white they can be seen from space. (Suggested by a number of folks.)


Utah: Maude Flanders
Basically Ned, but hotter.


UCLA: Troy McClure
"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such recent embarrassing bowl losses as the 2004 Las Vegas Bowl or the 2003 Silicon Valley Classic." Straight-up Hollywood, still a headline-maker, but the celebrity sheen masks a distinct lack of substance -- McClure can't really act, while the Bruins can't really play any defense. In severe danger of being superseded by newer, hotter stars, such as . . .


Oregon: Rainer Wolfcastle
Suffers from some of the same shortcomings as its rival (acting/defense), yet their overall body of work has been more solid of late. And with Nike dumping all of that money into the Ducks' program, they can afford to sleep on top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.


Washington and Washington State: Patty and Selma Bouvier
Washington chose celibacy by hiring Ty Willingham, Washington State had celibacy thrust upon it by being located out in the middle of f#@!ing nowhere. They may have been hot once, but while they may pop up and do something amazing every once in a while -- Wazzou by sneaking into a Rose Bowl, Selma by somehow marrying Krusty or Troy McClure -- life is pretty sad and barren for them at the moment.


Stanford: Martin Prince
Smart. Quite often annoyingly so. Those who feel inferior because of this can console themselves with the knowledge that both Martin and Stanford will be grease spots in short order, at the hands of either a school bully or a Pac-10 team with a remotely competent offense. (Suggested by a commenter.)


Fresno State, Texas Christian, and Southern Miss: Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney
Nothing-to-lose ass-kickers from the wrong side of the BCS tracks. They're stuck in a dead-end situation, to be sure, but that doesn't mean they won't whip your ass and then laugh about it afterward.


North Carolina: Maggie Simpson
Baby-blue-clad small-fries who spend most of their time sucking, but every once in a while will knock off a major player in a fashion absolutely no one saw coming. Also neither one has ever accepted me into college. (Suggested by ugalee.)


Clemson: Snowball I/II
Any team that can follow up a blowout loss to Wake Forest with an ass-pounding of FSU knows all about having nine lives, and Clemson has died and been resurrected at least as many times as the name of the Simpson family's perpetually walking-on-the-edge housecat. Just as likely to commit an awe-inspiring act of heroism as they are to cough up an embarrassing hairball. (Suggested by a few people.)


Kansas State: Dr. Nick Riviera
At first glance, they appear to have all the qualifications: a medical degree, a busy practice, a recent Big XII title, a devoted fan base. But a closer look reveals that it's all being done with smoke and mirrors. Neither a degree from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College nor a schedule containing Troy State, McNeese State and UMass (yes, K-State really did play that trifecta in 2003) can be considered anywhere close to the measure of a true contender.


Arizona State: Duffman
They always burst onto the scene with great fanfare, a lot of flash, and usually surrounded by a bevy of insanely hot women. Yet when all is said and done, they're usually exposed as just a bunch of drunks. (Suggested by Mike G.)


South Florida: Santa's Little Helper
Both spent their formative years in an environment typified by an endless parade of dog tracks and were later rescued from a life of misery (Conference USA/long nights at Springfield Downs). There are those who would say that their current situations (the Big East/a life of semi-negligent care from the Simpson family) isn't much better, but they seem content to sit there with goofy smiles on their faces, willing to take what life gives them.


Toledo and Bowling Green: Itchy and Scratchy
In the grand scheme of popular culture they barely merit a second thought, but you can't deny that on a boring-ass Tuesday night, when there's nothing else on, they're always good for some offensively oriented turn-your-brain-off entertainment.


Nebraska: Lionel Hutz
"This switch from an option attack to a West Coast offense might be just what I need to revive my flagging football program. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?"


Colorado: Seymour Skinner
They're both the big fish in their respective ponds, but look what those ponds are -- Springfield Elementary and the Big XII North. Um, yeah. So I should respect you because . . . ? Closely tied to . . .


Colorado State: Agnes Skinner
"I don't live with my mother -- she lives with me!"


New Mexico State: Wendell Borton
Best-case scenario at this point is probably just making it through one bus ride/one game without vomiting all over themselves. Probably still too much to hope for.


Duke: Baby Gerald
Crafty nemesis of Maggie (q.v.). Forces to be reckoned with in their own very specific milieus, but at the end of the day they're still just small fries.


Louisville: Luann Van Houten
Not really as hot as their reputations would imply, yet you can't deny that they're a lot more attractive now that they're not stuck alongside the likes of . . .


East Carolina: Kirk Van Houten
Yup, once upon a time you had a situation that was way better than it had any right to be. You may consider those days long gone.


UAB: Frank Grimes
Ain't a harder-working cat around, son. Fighting against all kinds of obstacles to get noticed for their exploits -- yet they seem destined to get passed over for people who can somehow half-ass it and still succeed.


West Virginia: Cletus
Their hillbilly steez leaves them vulnerable to a lot of redneck/inbreeding jokes, but they're crazy like a fox, so don't mess with them unless you're prepared to see some serious damage left in their wake -- just ask the Bulldogs. (Browbeaten into this by literally dozens of commenters.)


Northwestern: Professor Frink
Geek quotient and steady stream of hoyven glayven-worthy screwups in the lab and on the gridiron would seem to indicate that they don't need to be taken all that seriously, yet every once in a while, in the midst of their usual explosions and embarrassing misfires, they manage to come up with a weapon that qualifies as truly dangerous.


Purdue: Dr. Julius Hibbert
Jolly sorts who seem to be able to weather any kind of tragedy -- losing a patient, stumbling through a 5-6 season -- with an "Oh well, we'll get 'em next time" kind of attitude. While this outlook might be sunny and carefree, however, they're eventually going to have to get on the stick and start taking things seriously if they ever want to advance. (Of course, as Kansas State and Nick Riviera have demonstrated, things could certainly be a lot worse.)


California: Dr. Marvin Monroe
Touchy-feely approach seems to be just the ticket on paper, and has been hailed by countless trend-followers looking for the Next Big Thing -- yet nobody who's been through this program, be it one of the Simpsons or Kyle Boller, seems to have improved all that much.


Tulane: Bleeding Gums Murphy
Hard-luck cases you really want things to work out for, even if you have no personal attachment to them, yet paradoxically, their deep ties to the blues mean that any lasting success would kind of negate their underdog status and thus their ability to make people root for them.


Hawaii: Bee Guy
¡Que curiosidad! Out on the fringes, to be sure, but they've each managed to parlay their respective gimmicks into personae that are memorable, if not exactly multifaceted. Consequential or not, they seem like they'd be perfectly enjoyable to hang out with. (Yes, I know everyone was expecting Bee Guy to be Georgia Tech, but come on, Comic Book Guy was perfect.)


Texas Tech: Sideshow Mel
Also gimmick players, but gimmick players who have managed to take their various devices and turn them into a whole lot more media attention than they ever would've gotten otherwise. At times they actually look a good bit smarter than the headliners, but at the same time you can't really see them carrying a show all by themselves.


Idaho and Utah State: Rod and Todd Flanders
Small-time, easily dismissible tykes hailing from some of the Jesus-freakiest places on earth. Barren, ultraconservative existences make even the most minor victories worth cheering about. Main roles in life seem to be serving as easy marks for the LSUs/Ralph Muntzes of the world as they go in search of easy targets.


Kansas: Rev. Timothy Lovejoy
Non-flashy, ultraconservative, occasionally manage to do something that captures the attention of the general public, but this usually lasts only a few moments before everyone turns to hipper, more visible programs. They give it their all every weekend, yet you can't help but think they?d be a lot happier if they could just chuck the whole thing and concentrate on their true passions, be it basketball or model trains.


Marcus Vick: Helen Lovejoy
OK, I know this doesn?t really make much sense, I just had to make one "Won't somebody think of the children?" joke.


Missouri: Jessica Lovejoy
Wicked seductresses who'll only break your heart every single time. Seem to have everything a guy could want, but you're destined to come away feeling disappointed, empty, and used.


North Carolina State: Otto Mann
Two cast members for whom underachievement and relaxed standards have become a way of life. Constantly keep people guessing as to whether there's really any higher brain function going on up there or not.


UTEP and Tulsa: Sherri and Terri
Minor enough that you really don't want to have to pay attention to them, but they're quick-witted enough to be constant thorns in somebody's side. Very strange, even unsettling, coloration.


Southern Methodist: Jebediah Springfield
Each was once an O.G. in their respective universes, to the point where any historical account has to include them virtually by default -- but once their horrible secrets were laid bare to the public, they pretty much became a joke after that. Embiggened by a little face-saving cromulence of late, but they've still got a long way to go before they can hold their heads up high around anyone.


Boise State: Inanimate Carbon Rod
Showered with media coverage and ticker-tape parades, but how much of what they've done is actual accomplishment, and how much of it is simply managing to look good compared to the bumbling incompetents they're surrounded by? Have garnered a truly astounding amount of adulation from simply being in the right place at the right time (and being wielded by the right guy).


San Jose State: Hans Moleman
How is it that these guys aren't dead yet?


The Sun Belt Conference: Happy Little Elves
The Elves aren't real people, and I'm not convinced any of the SBC's members are real D-IA football teams. Crude in their methods, entertaining enough for those with relaxed standards, but most discerning fans grow out of them real quick.

By all means, if you have any additional nominations or changes you'd like to make, suggest 'em in the comments. The Simpsons universe is vast enough that we could probably find an analogue for all 119 D-IA teams (and maybe even a few D-IAAs) if we tried.

197 comments:

Ian said...

Bravo. Truly an astonishing work. I'm undergoing finals right now, so I can't have my two cents on people you missed...but I do have a framed Simpsons poster with every character that's been on the show. So be wary.

Mark said...

Nice. Tech sucks.

I'm a Realist said...

Very well done.

TRT said...

I'd have thought The Tech's would've been BumbleMan... He sucks too.

Ryno said...

I thought it was Nelson Muntz
not ralph muntz?

Ryno said...

Also Michigan State could be Gil, the salesman who can never get anything going and is constantly on the outside looking in. Always starting off on the right foot and than blowing it up in the end.
"Damn that felt like a sale..."

Doug said...

Whoops, yeah, it is Nelson. Sorry, I still had Ralph Wiggum on the brain.

Anonymous said...

Patty and Selma = Iowa and Iowa State
Patty chose celibacy while Selma had celibacy forced upon her.

Anonymous said...

Penn State is Grandpa Simpson

Anonymous said...

Wisconsin is clearly Barney.

Texas Blue said...

Some thoughts for the Big Ten

I was trying to think of one for MSU, but Ryno nailed it.

And as someone said, PSU is clearly Abe Simpson, old as hell, slave to tradition, constantly complaining.

Others:
Indiana - Barney Gumble, drunk, incompetent, and not doing a damn thing about it.
Purdue - Milhouse, always trying to reinvent himself to impress, stuck in role as sidekick, socially inept.
Wisconsin - Hans Moleman, always hanging around, only comes into focus when something bad happens to him.
Minnesota - Frank Grimes, complains about how much work he does and how much credit he deserves, then kills himself.
Northwestern - Santa's Little Helper, underdog, always tries hard to please, pops up in a starring role once every five years.
Illinois - Bleeding Gums Murphy, was once relevant, but died a long time ago.

mayday said...

This doesn't work because you have Marge as Auburn and Moe as Alabama. Marge almost ran off with Moe to a tropical island once. Presumably Moe still carries a torch for her. You can't screw up the single most loathing-ridden rivalry in football with a thing like that. I'd suggest switching Quimby to Alabama. Alabama is much more historically glamorous than Texas anyway; Texas was nothing until Darrell Royal showed up, and took a damn long time recovering from Royal's departure too. It's a little harsh making Texas Moe considering how well they're doing this year, but I can picture Moe as a circa 2003 Texas, mostly bitter about his departed past glory days. Maybe better things are around the corner for Moe.


I think TX blue's post is unfair to Wisconsin. Wisconsin has had some success and is almost always a factor in the conference race (unlike MSU and Minnesota), although usually because others self-destructed. Perhaps without Col. Kurtz they will enter a new period of lameness, but only if Penn State or Iowa or somebody keeps their rejuvenation going.

HappyChandler said...

I question Monty Burns as Notre Dame. Burns never really had a down-and-out period like ND has had periodically under Kuharich, Faust, Davie and Willingham. Once upon a time it would have made sense, but not anymore, they're too vulnerable to parity. What setbacks has Burns ever encountered? He's pretty much impregnable.

Anonymous said...

I'd have one of the Flanders be Brigham Young University... they are so strict, but no one really cares much about them or what they are doing.

evbo said...

Notre Dame - Mr Burns...
happychandler you missed the episode where Burns becomes broke through some bad investments and Lisa help him to get his fortune back with recycling. Then he creates the "Burns omninet" to make little lisa slurry for everyone. A teaspoon of slurry is good for what ails you.

There is also the episode where he sells the plant, sure he has his money but what good is it if you can't strike fear into your fellow man. He buys the plant back so people will fear him again. Sounds a little like Notre Dame to me.

Dan said...

I would pay at least a cool $1000 to here the following press conference exchange with Coach Cheatypants McSweatervest:

Reporter: Coach what are your thoughts on Lloyd Carr?

CCM: I think Lloyd Carr is good man. I like him. I have nothing against him, but I am definitely going to make orphans of his children.

Reporter: Coach, uh you know that they have a mother?

CCM: Yes, but I would assume that she would die of grief.

Anonymous said...

Here are some Pac-10 suggestions:

UCLA - Troy McClure - "You may remember me from such seasons as 1954 and eras like the 1960s and the 1980s"

Stanford - Martin Prince - Smart, and usually pushed around.

Cal - Dr. Hibbert - Mostly competent when not self-prescribing.

Washington and Washington State - Sherri and Terri - if you don't follow Pac-10 football, could you honestly tell them apart?

Arizona State - Jimbo Jones - wants to be feared like Nelson Muntz, but just doesn't get the same amount of respect.

Arizona - Cletus - Nuff' said.

Oregon State - Sideshow Mel - Will always be a second banana.

Anonymous said...

Forgot one ...

Oregon - Luann Milhouse - Keeps trying to be independent and sexy.

Ian said...

Might want to check this out...

Josh said...

I know he's not a coach anymore, but Lou Holtz is definitely the crazy cat-throwing lady.

And I echo the Flanders/BYU connection. Too bad Bob Jones doesn't have a team.

paulwesterdawg said...

A friend of mine is a HUGE simpsons fan. His retort is here

awesome work on your part.

Leo said...

That's just great!
Furthermore, I would've tagged Nebraska as Cletus...cause they're just hicks.
and Arizona State as the Capital City Goofball....because they show their face every now and then.

the kid said...

West Virginia - definitely Cletus

Marshall - Cletus' wife

The rest of the MAC - all their chillins in the baby sac

South Florida - can be the "Nearsucker" Florida State trooper

Temple - Paint Drinking Pete, because most people would rather drink paint than watch them play

Anonymous said...

it's true, Oregon is too focused on fashion, but they'll still kick your ass (unless you're SC, but that's SC)

Anonymous said...

Clemson has to be Snowball..
As each is written off as dead, and then inexplicably they seem to return.

Anonymous said...

Amazing, just absolutely amazing........

Anonymous said...

You left out the obvious finisher on Utah.

"And now that Urban Meyer is gone ... dead."

Anonymous said...

I like the Clemson/Snowball connection

Fingerman said...

This was amusing, immaginitive, and time well spent for all involved. I especially liked the ND & BC references...couldn't have said it better myself.
I like a Dr. Nick & K-State comparison...They both seem legit on the outside but it doesn't take much analysis to find that they're both huge frauds(Never beats anybody of worth for K-State and Dr. Nick actually knows nothing of medicine).

georgiasouthernfan said...

For the D1-AA schools, Appalachian is Cletus. Both are content with just making it a winning situation/season, but in the end both are still the town hicks.

shelly said...

Maggie Simpson doesn't get a school compared to her? Free Maggie!

Maybe she could represent any and every school that's kicked Notre Dame's butt. (She did shoot Mr. Burns, after all. That's gotta count for something!)

Anonymous said...

I'd say Dr. Nick is Texas Tech actually. A quick glace at their record and they look legit for most of their season. A deeper inspection or given enough time and the fraud is clear.

And the aforementioned "being shot" was a pretty big setback for Mr Burns.

Ashley said...

I really enjoyed this post. I am a PSU alum, your comparison of Joe Paterno to Abe Simpson is great!

Anonymous said...

i <3 you doug! it's times like this i hate being a SEC fan trapped in the CRAPAC-10!

can't wait for the sugar bowl.

the lone bulldog fan in all of so-cal,
jennifer

Anonymous said...

Let me see........you compare Oho State to Drederick Tatum, and call them thugs? I always thought that was the moniker of Miami? I guess you have a tie-in to the idiots that always screw them in the polls.

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot. Hurt for something to write about much? I'm sure you're just an Auburn fan who knows his day is coming.

Sean H. said...

Absolutely hilarious and yes BC is Smithers(or Fredo you pick.)

Anonymous said...

Iowa State is Wendell.

You always think that Wendell will make it through the bus ride without throwing up but he never makes it -- just like you always think that Iowa State will break through one of those days and win the Big XII North but they never do.

Anonymous said...

How many times does BC have to beat ND (five of the last six) before some respect is shown? Too bad we don't have a "storied history" to coast by on.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I don't know, Anonymous--one pass by a midget to beat Miami counts as "storied history", at least to you. Perhaps if you beat ND and then DID ANYTHING ELSE, maybe someone would care. However, most sane people don't consider beating a 5-7 ND team coached by Davie or Willingham and then jetting to a 7-4 season and the Craptastic Bowl a basis for success.

Anonymous said...

Possible suggestion for the ACC.

Clemson & NC State = Lou & Eddie

Both have the ability to do the job of the Chief Wiggum(Fl. St.), occassionally even exposing Wiggum's incompetency and inefficiency. However, when all is said and done, neither has what it takes to take command and both fall in line behind their chief whether you're talking about the Springfield Police Department or the ACC Coastal.

Dan

Anonymous said...

harvard and yale as itchy and scratchy

explauren said...

nice... really really enjoyed this sucker/ hook em

Meg said...

VT is perfect except "..the Hokies are constantly worried they really are going to be pumping gas one day for the kids over in Charlottesville." I didn't turn down going to UVA for VT for nothing!!

nutmegs said...

I love that the only thing anyone could come up about OSU was thugs. While the poignancy of the other comments is evident, this is a reach. Every program has it's share of bad apples, but the quality teams let them go as soon as they are discovered. So in this case where one was found and discarded it really is a stretch to say the whole program is like that. Come on, you're smart there has to be something more fitting you could compare them to. I mean "their mom's wear combat boots" would have been funnier and more profound. I guess it's just tough to make fun of winners.

Mike G said...

Meg is right. I also passed up a chance to go to UVA and chose Tech instead. People at VT are either too dumb to realize pumping gas is in their future, or too smart to let it happen to them.

Tulane has got to be Bleeding Gums Murphy. You've got the whole New Orleans jazz thing, plus all the talk of Tulane disbanding it's program (dying).

How about Arizona State as Duffman?? They blast onto the scene, making a lot of noise, flashy lights, sexy women everywhere--but really it's nothing more than a bunch of drunks.

Also, I would have picked USC to be Homer's brother. A once-great program fallen on hard times, finally works it's way back into prominence. Only problem is there's no real connection to Georgia.

Nice work!

Anonymous said...

it would be interesting to have michigan as itchy and mich.st. as scratchy.

Anonymous said...

Memphis would have to be Sideshow Mel - a replacement for UTK/sideshow bob by going to a bowl but really not as good.

Anonymous said...

If you know anything about Clemson, Cletus is a perfect fit. Great list though, funny stuff!

ugalee said...

One of the funniest things I've ever seen!!! Tried my best to come up with one, but the best I could come up with is...

UNC-chapel hell/Maggie:
They both wear baby blue, they both stink (Apu: 'that is the worst thing I've ever smelled, and I am from India') Because UNC isn't the worst team in the ACC, and certainly not among the elite, you forget they are there:

Judge Harm: "...and Margret?"
Homer: "Lady, you got the wrong family."
Marge: "She means Maggie"
Homer: "Oh, the baby, yea, I got nothing against Maggie"

And all they both do is suck. Over and over again.

AggieFan said...

For my Utah State Aggies, I have Homer's half brother, Uncle Herb Powell.

Just like Herb had that car business and all the riches, and Homer ruined it, We had things going good, two good years, including two straight wins over rival Utah, then a bad coach named Dave Arslanian came along(he punted on third down which would say how bad he is) and ruined it. And just as Homer said to Herb at the end"maybe you would have been better off if I had never came along" with Herb yelling back: "MAYBE? MAYBE? WHY YOU, OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!", that coach, Arslanian (like Homer) could tell us we maybe would have been better off without him, with us responding(like Herb) of course we would have better off without him.
And we got a new coach, Brent Guy, to bring us back like the baby translater brought Herb back.

Anonymous said...

Colorado State and Wyoming as Itchy and Scratchy. Can't remember which is which, but Wyoming is the cat. CSU beats on UW and UW never sees it coming. Also, one could not exist without the other, just as no one cares about either team until they are playing eachother.

Hermano said...

Absolutely brilliant. I laughed my ass off at BC.

Colorado (well, Gary Barnett) should be that dude who sold Springfield the Monorail.

Anonymous said...

CRACKERS. OF COURSE YOU MUST KNOW KANG AND KODOS ARE SISTERS....SO THEY CANT BE "GUYS"....NICE ATTENTION TO DETAIL ON THE REST OF IT THOUGH....

Anonymous said...

All I ask is that you spell Wazzu correctly. Thanks! :)

Anonymous said...

Univesity of South Florida as Dr. Nick Riviera. They lopped of the wrong leg from that diabetic dude.

Anonymous said...

EXCELLENT!! You hit the nail on the head with all of the SEC schools! ROTFLMAO!

Mad Monk said...

Duke/ Prof. Frink

Both are superior in one thing (basketball/science) and in their element, they are a force to be reckoned with. Take them out of their element and they both get beaten to a pulp without anyone even noticing. Who cares if Duke looses yet another game in football? Frink is arguably the least funny character on the show, even the other characters don't notice when he is beaten violently, nor do they care.

Anonymous said...

Funny as well as "Simpson politically correct"

Anonymous said...

Temple -- Skitch (the Smellhound) - cause that team "has done gone to heaven Mr. Terwillenger."

Anonymous said...

Well Done!

Just a couple of things:
1) UGA/AU - Just remember, even though Marge gets the best of Homer SOMETIMES, the fact remains that a man is king of his castle (SEC CHAMPIONS!!!!!)

And what about how neither home team seems to win? Hmmmmmm...

2) Maggie/North Carolina - Not only does she stink and suck all of the time, but when you think of her as just a baby, BOOM she suprises you with an upset (Miami 2004) like shooting Mr. Burns?

3) I was going to say Auburn/Alabama was Itchy and Scratchy because it is fun to watch them beat the hell out of each other, and the only thing it could be any better would be if they both DIE!

Anonymous said...

Another thing about Marge and Homer (UGA and AU) is that everyone watches the Simpsons for Homer and Bart. Most could care less about what Marge does...She's just boring.

Oh, and the SEC Champs remark...I know Auburn won it last year, but UGA has played in 3 out of the last 5 and won 2 of them(the one loss was to the eventual National Champs LSU!)

Anonymous said...

A couple of additions for the Homer/Georgia comparison.

Aren't donuts glazed with sugar?

Mmmmmmmmmm...Donuts (Sugar Bowl)


Homer usually does pretty good, but he always has some inexplicable blunder (4th and 10 vs. Auburn, 2 missed FG's versus Florida)

Anonymous said...

Who's ass has Southern Miss beat and laughed about it?

Anonymous said...

Southern Miss has beat Alabama, Auburn, Florida State, Georgia, Illinois, LSU, Nebraska, and Oklahoma State on the road and Illinois and Oklahoma State when they came to Hattiesburg, and also beat TCU in Hattiesburg. We used to beat Ole Miss and Mississippi State's ass, till they quit playing us, but that's the only time we ever laughed about it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, USM has beat Ole Miss' ass a grand 6 times out of 24 total games played. Being out scored 599 to 287 over those 24 games. What dominance. HaHa!

J. Clark said...

To OM above: Why don't you pick them back up on your schedule instead of Wyoming then? I know playing at Wyoming helps with your recruiting and all.... We're still laughing!!!!!! Ha! Ha!

Bradley said...

Why not start with the modern era, Reb. You know...like, when most people who follow college football today were alive?

Fact:
Southern Miss won 4 of the last 5 matchups between USM and Ole Miss...and then Ole Miss ended the series.

When the Rebs could no longer dominate, they tucked their tail firmly between their legs and ran. Now they simply forget that it ever happened.

Anonymous said...

Since we're talking modern era.....who's ass has USM whipped. Seriously, other than TCU a few years ago, what ranked opponent has USM claimed a victory over in the last five years. I'm honestly curious.

Bradley said...

Right off the cuff:

Alabama in 2000, though admittedly they weren't ranked for long after their loss..they had a bad team that year.

TCU in 2000 (not the time you're talking about).

Illinois in 2002, coming off a Big Ten Championship.

TCU again in 2003, when they were in the top ten at the end of the season. But you said this one doesn't count, so I wasn't going to mention it.

I was giving Ole Miss a good 25-30 years, though...not exactly an apples-to-apples comparison. Give USM that long of a time period and I can fill that list with the likes of highly-rated FSU and various SEC squads, among others...As for the in-state rivalries, I went back a bit further and found that in fact the record over the last decade of the Ole Miss/USM series was 6 wins for Southern Miss, 2 for Ole Miss. For poor Mississippi State it was even worse.

Bottom line: the Simpsons comparison is pretty darn accurate. ;-)

Anonymous said...

I would like to know who USM has beaten as well. TCU was the only ranked team I believe. That Illinois team was horrible that year. Come on, someone please provide some numbers. Why the constant comparisons to Ole Miss? They don't exactly set the world on fire, but they have beaten quite a few ranked teams lately.(except for the last two years of course)

Anonymous said...

A small sampling of opponents defeated by Southern Miss who were ranked at the END of the season (there are others, and many more others who were ranked at the time of the game...):

Ole Miss, 1970, 20
Mississippi State, 1980, 19
Mississippi State, 1981, 17
Florida State, 1981, ??
Alabama, 1982, 17
Florida State, 1989, 2
Alabama, 1990, ??
Louisville, 1990, 12
Auburn, 1990, 19
TCU, 2000, 18
TCU, 2003, 24

Okay, I'm tired of research, so I'll stop here.

Dan G. said...

Wow... This is awesome.

Here's a few ideas:

West Virginia = Brandine
No explaination necessary

Big East = Stone Cutters
At one time, they were very popular and everyone wanted to join. Now they're never really talked about at all most of the big names left already.

Purude = Dewey Largo
(Lisa's band teacher)
All Purdue really has left is their big Drum.

Nebraska = Kirk Van Hounten
Every so often, Kirk will get the spotlight, but for the most part, he just fights for everyone's attention.

Anonymous said...

I love the Clemson and Snowball connection.

berserkeley said...

Cal = Dr. Marvin Monroe.

Intelligent, opinionated, and recently reappeared despite being killed off many seasons ago.

Anonymous said...

Tulane = Lenny... Killed by the sea (lenny by dolphin, tulane by levee)

Anonymous said...

WE need a Iowa hawkeye one

examples:

Larry Burns- Good guys.. they feel as though they should get as much recognition as tOSU and Michigan yet in teh end they just get " no Respect"

John Frink- They both seem to have stepped up to the plate and next level yet dont get the respect they deserve( Iowa with all the success lately yet are still looked down by the big ten powers and Frink with all his inventions)

I also have a real good one for Iowa State

Kirk Van Houten- Poor guy that never seems to get any chance at success. Lives by himself and his a major failure. No one will " buy him a feeling"

Anonymous said...

another Iowa example could be Frank Grimes Both seem to try so hard and get teh respect they want, yet no one cares and is pretty much ignored

Anonymous said...

Cal needs to be on there as Dr. Marvin Monroe for reasons a previous poster stated "intelligent, opinionated, and recently back from the dead"

Anonymous said...

Lyle Lanley is the guy who sold Springfield the monorail. I might equate him with Texas Tech, though. Actually, I equate the dust bowl towns which bought the monorail with Lubbock. "I sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook, and by golly, it put them on the map!"

Wendell for Iowa State is perfect. I'm a KU grad, and ISU pretty much vomited on themselves in giving us that all-important 6th win this season. Wendell could also describe my Jayhawk basketball teams over the years.

I'm surprised no one has thought of a team to equate with Seymour Skinner - a team prone to horrific flashbacks, dedicated to rank and order, boring, and still on mother's leash. That sounds a little like Texas A&M to me. But I bet someone could come up with a better match.

Nebraska equals the "Lard Lad" donut mascot. "With Sprinkles!"

Baylor could be Rod or Todd Flanders - morally upright, but constantly getting their asses kicked. "Iron helps us play!"

Missouri is Gabbo, the ventriloquist's dummy. They're loud, obnoxious, rude, and always with a hand up the rear (The Kroenke and Laurie families - Wal-Mart tycoons controlling the athletic department). "All the kids in Springfield are S.O.Bs"

Colorado, under Barnett and previous coaches, is the burlesque house of the Big 12. "This is the Maison Derierre, that means the, uh, 'back house'"

My Jayhawks (football) would probably be a better fit for Frank Grimes.

We need a team for Lionel Hutz, the morally and financially bankrupt lawyer, inept in the courtroom, learns from watching Matlock at the bar, and never short of a drawerful of smoking monkeys. Perhaps San Diego State?

Anonymous said...

NC State is the Monorail Guy. That program has been selling their fans a line for years.

It hurts me as a Wake fan, but Rod and Todd Flanders should definitely be Baylor and Wake.

Anonymous said...

Rutgers is Jebediah Springfield: the founder of Springfield.

Anonymous said...

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA!!!!

Anonymous said...

Per their win in 1-AA. Appalachian St. is Jebodiah Springfield. They are both considered big time in their small towns, but when put up against Bart Simpson/Florida, they will get their heads cut off and carried around in a bag. Then there is the whole mountainman thing.

Anonymous said...

Princeton:Jebediah Springfield; Started the whole thing but now largely irrelevant

Anonymous said...

How about UConn as Gabbo (the ventriloquist's dummy). If you've ever gone there as an opposing fan, you'll know that they're "loud, obnoxious, rude." The hand up their rear is CT Attorney General Blumenthal who is fond of lawsuits.

Anonymous said...

What a surprise. A hilarious blog with lots of funny comments, until a couple oversensitive buckeye fans gets offended, then try to deny that they actually ARE thugs.

Anonymous said...

Excellent. I suggest Hans Moleman for Baylor. Even they know they're going to get killed but they come up with fun new ways to do it every week. So pathetic that even their fellow Big XII rivals root for them to survive, but we still laugh and shake their heads when they get hit by a truck... and then blow up.

Matthew Jenks said...

Being a Notre Dame alum, I couldn't agree more with Monty Burns representing our fine school.

As for setbacks that Burns has endured, think of the episode where Homer thinks Burns is an alien. I'd say radiation treatment, dilation eyedrops and spinal rearrangement qualifies for Davie/O'Leary/Willingham.

Also being a ND alum, I couldn't agree more on BC being Waylon Smithers (and one of several anonymous posters backed up THAT perfect characterization).

As for suggestions: California/Otto. Both are seemingly in the drivers' seat early on in the season/story, but their attention gets too easily diverted later.

Duke/Artie Ziff. Both have a lot of money. Both aspire to great things. Both fail miserably with every attempt.

Homer's Mom/Missouri: Everyone talks about them. Everyone says they look good on paper. Everyone is looking for them, but can't quite seem to find them.

Brad Warbiany said...

I would change Wisconsin to Uter. He's got the whole German chocolate and sausage thing going... Although those folks up in Madison can certainly drink...

And you left out Purdue:

Homer (as Max Power): Got a new name (coach) and thought he was suddenly a powerful person (national powerhouse), only to be exposed as the same old Boilermakers, an average Big Ten team.

OR

Cecil Terwilliger: Wants to be a mastermind (Big Ten powerhouse) so badly, but is constantly amazed at just how hard it is.

Anonymous said...

Nicely done.

Texas Tech = Professor John Frink

Anonymous said...

for Professor Frink, how about MIT? Both are brainy with no athletic ability.

-

Brad Warbiany said...

I linked you here. Good stuff.

And I've chosen Cecil as the best fit for Purdue, if you want to add that to your list :-)

Anonymous said...

Reverend Lovejoy would be good for ND as well. Both hide behind the vail of religion but are consumed with money.

Here's another:
Otto the bus driver (Washington) Had some good times back in the day and are still desperatel holding on to them (not to mention the amount of pot they've smoked)

Anonymous said...

How about the twins (Sherri and Terri) for Harvard and Yale since no one else but them even knows the difference.

If Joe Pa is Abe then Florida State/B. Bowden should be Jasper in my opinion.

Maybe the pimple faced, voice cracking teenage guy (I don't think he has a name) as UAB. He's in many episodes but forgetable, just like UAB is in I-A and it's forgetable. You know who he is, but that's about it.

If we could do a Southpark character I'd say Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo is Kentucky... since he only shows up in Winter (basketball season). I guess you could say Gonzaga or some of those other schools too.

How about Jacksonville State as Otto Mann. Just a party school and party guy... that will probably grow up to be a cop one day, completely randomly, just like most Jack State grads.

Anonymous said...

The Cal Bears as Dr. Marvin Monroe! Oski, the Bears' mascot, even looks like him. Let's see it up there on the site, right next to Stanford! gooooooobears

Anonymous said...

Very funny post. Here's my suggestions:

The Flying Hellfish = All the Ivy league teams. They were a great force about 100 years ago but now either are, or may as be, dead.

The Duff Beer mascots (Surly, Tipsy, Remorseful, Dizzy, Edgy, and Queasy I believe) for the Big 12 north. If you don't know why, you haven't been paying close enough attention.

Also, I don't know how but there has to be some way to fit in the Johnny Cash Space Coyote.

Anonymous said...

This is awesome! some ideas:

Cletus- West Virginia. His wife would be Marshall. Self-explanatory.

Rev. Lovejoy- Air Force. Perfect fit for Fisher DeBerry.

Sherri and Terri- Maryland and NC State. Seriously, I can't tell these teams apart! Same conference. Same division of the same conference. Same colors, same uniforms. Same stadium, same crummy quarterback play.

Otto- Colorado. He'd fit in on campus in Boulder;, the program has discipline issues, just like Otto.

Anonymous said...

That's a lot of work for something that really wasn't funny nor did you make fitting comparisons.

But hey, hope you enjoyed blogging away your night!

Hells_Satans said...

Brava,

Uncle Herb should be Purdue, formerly talented and seen on TV often, now mostly forgotten.

Otto is definitely Colorado.

Sheri/Terri are Boise and Fresno, who can tell them apart?

Frink is Berkeley, occasionally he gets in a good game, but mostly self-destructs before halftime [30 mins.]

The CEO of Itchy/Scratchy Corp should be Texas, consistently solid but occasional flashes of brilliance and suckitute [I/S land.]

Minnesota - Sideshow Mel. Always offstage somewhere getting cream pies thrown at him.

Gil really should be Temple, as he never comes close to success, not even when living in the Sunsphere.

Tulane is Bleeding Gums Murphy.

Grimey is clearly Utah, whining about not getting a real bowl game, and then getting crushed by any decent team.

LSU should be Lovejoy's daughter, naughty and ready for a prime-time appearance every so often before disappearing back into the muck.

Kirk Van Houten should be Missouri, if only for the 5th down loss alone.

Texas Tech is obviously Lyle Lanley with their new coach being written up in the NYT. ["You know that Lisa, and I know that, but no one else understands that!" 'Tee-hee.']

Rod and Todd Flanders are Baylor and UCF, occasionally they can do something right, then 10 years go by.

Lionel Hutz = Rutgers and Lehigh should be Jebediah Springfield for historical reasons.

Duke should be Hans Moleman, old, weak, always getting run over by anyone else in the cast.

Anonymous said...

"What a surprise. A hilarious blog with lots of funny comments, until a couple oversensitive buckeye fans gets offended, then try to deny that they actually ARE thugs."

actually, there are a few problems here.

1) the link is about cheating, paying players, granting favors, etc. if you wanted thuggery, perhaps Nebraska, or maybe Florida State or how about when SI asked Miami to drop their program? (i'm also confused how Tressel telling a former player to "just tell the truth" when he tried to bribe a juror is so thuggish) the difference between the OSU stuff and those? the OSU stuff didn't happen. (see 2)

2) the link refers to the thoroughly discredited Maurice Clarett's accusations.
He won't respond to the NCAA's inquiries for comments on the matter.

the only violation found was a whopping $500 ilicit gift from a booster.

3) i guess if it is about the NCAA violation, the idea that Auburn - yes that Auburn - is Marge Simpson is laughable. I mean, they have been eligible to play in a bowl, what, 5 of the last 50 years?

4) some people in Columbus are a little sensitive about Maurice. its one thing when your school is guilty of doing bad things, its another when an over-hyped player, who thinks he is Barry Sanders Jr, wants to jump to the NFL after his freshman or sophomore season because he was hangin with Lebron James, when even his coaches recognized he wasn't ready, gets suspended because he lies to the cops about the value of stuff allegedly stolen in his car and then lies to the NCAA investigators, makes up some crap that the NCAA doesn't find any evidence of, and he shuts up about.

And then, we're the thugs. FSU is Chief Wiggum. needless to say, we're a little sensitive. and i think we're justified.

the rest of it, though, pretty funny.

Anonymous said...

Georgia Tech ought to be Bumblebee Man. Oy, no me gusta.

Anonymous said...

Bumblebee Man = Northwestern

The one private school in the Big 10 doesn't really fit into the traditional football mold. It's almost like they're...from another country. Not a football powerhouse but a consistent character. Whenever they pop up they always leave you with a bemused feeling, like: "Hey, check out what Northwestern did"

C. Wagener said...

Funny stuff, but ... OSU thugs? The linked article goes back more than a decade to critisize Tressel for something the author admits Tressel knew nothing about while he coached a different team. OSU's problems have involved idiotic boosters giving players minor amounts of cash. Everyone involved was punished. Meanwhile other teams (Florida, Nebraska, Michigan) suspend players for one or two games for beating up their girlfriends.

Anonymous said...

Good stuff. One suggestion though.

WVU = Cletus.

It works on just about every level.

RetepAdam said...

Although they've been delegated to 1-AA...

Princeton = Jebediah Springfield.

Many maintain that they founded Springfield/college football. Also, they are long gone.

Todd said...

The Army-Navy / Kodos-Kang comparison is apt and there is another good reason ... both only show up once a season (the Halloween episode/the annual game in November)

No Filter: The Book said...

Its funny I had Rutgers as Jebediah Springfield ... I guess it works for Rutgers or Princeton .. both had the first game .. but it was on Rutgers campus ... is there a Ms. Springfield for Princeton .. or it might be Shelbyville for Princeton

The RealFan said...

Funny list! BTW Ohio State got rid of the "Thug" as soon as his violations were discovered. Jim Tressel runs a squeaky clean program and never seems to get the respect he deserves. (Seymour Skinner?)

Ken Braun, Lansing MI said...

How about Colorado as Otto the school bus driver?

Colorado and Otto each prove themselves least inept in a field of universally substandard applicants for important jobs (Big 12 Championship Game and driving the school bus full of kids). However, after they get the job, both demonstrate that they are horribly unprepared for the challenge.

(Dan Hawkins taking over might change all this)

Ken Braun, Lansing MI said...

Sorry. Just noticed somebody else beat me to the Colorado/Otto analogy. Oh well -- if it's THAT obvious then it's probably a winner.

Anonymous said...

Frankly, the only thing funnier than the Simpsons references themselves are all these comments by pissed off OSU fans. I think the reference to thugs is apt. Moreover, to those who say "OSU aren't the only thugs" or "at least we suspended Clarett"...need we remind you that Clarett has been the biggest scandal in the last decade or two? When a player singlehandedly takes you to a national championship, and then is found out to be a SCAM, it is a scandal of first degree.

If it weren't for Clarett and his thuggishness, you wouldn't have a recent championship to your credit. So count your blessings, hold your cherished ESPN national championship commemerative DVD tightly, and swallow your tongue when people accuse you of being what you are.

Anonymous said...

Michigan players do beat their gfs pretty regularly.

Of course they do.

If they got paid as much as the Buckeye players they would hire somebody else to do that for them (using their *uncle's* money).

It also doesnt help that they are almost 100% disappointments. Last time that program lived up to its reputation....

Anyone?

Bueller?

Anonymous said...

Hans Moleman for Baylor is a good fit. Both get beaten up weekly and occasionally have some glory (think football to the groin to SWC championships).
Or Baylor as Rev. Lovejoy

Tx Tech=Sideshow Mel (Both think they are great and underappreciated yet only a jealous sidekick to Krusty and even sideshow Bob..think Texas and A&M). Or Tx Tech= Cletus... it is Lubbock...

Colorado = Baby Gerald..think they are Nebraska's nemesis (ala Maggie) but never come into conflict really.

Jebediah Springfield= W. Virgina?

Throw the Rich Texan, Eddie and Lou, the Blue hair Lawyer and Cookie Kwan in for some schools.

Anonymous said...

Kent State University: Auto, the bus driver. Smokes a lot of weed, but doesn't do much else. Too much of a hippy to get off their ass and do something on the field.

Stef the Pef said...

Rich Texan? Sounds like Baylor if I ever heard us...we're old, we're good at everything but football, and I think we probably had to buy our way into the Big XII for football because we're old and stinky. If Burns wasn't taken, I'd say his arthritis-ridden stinky old rich man personality would fit our football team to a team.

Hilarious list.

<3, Stef the Pef--at least Baylor students know where our football team stands in the whole thing, eh?

Anonymous said...

Maryland = Mona Simpson. Appears every once in a while when nobody is expecting it and raises hell and sticks it to the man. Then disappears into oblivion again for another few years.

Anonymous said...

Rutgers is Millhouse's mom. Has connection to bart/florida, and millhouse/illinois and is desperately trying to reinvent itself and turn it around before its too late.

Anonymous said...

Oklahoma State- Cletus or any of the Shelbyville people (like to marry cousins).
SMU- Sherri/Terri: Used to be major players in episodes, appearing and having lines in school scenes and being the main bitches, then the death penalty hit (new writers/NCAA sanctions) and they disappeared into background/ESPN Bottomline filler.

Anonymous said...

I claim Cletus for Texas Tech. Like Tech he's not known for brawn or brains. You know you don't want to "wrassle" him cause if he ever gets a hold of your nuts he's not gonna let go even if you pound the crap out of him. He's gonna run up the score while you're screaming like a girl for mercy!

Anonymous said...

My suggestions:

Prof. John Frink for Texas Tech: Takes rather common or misfit parts and melds them together into something completely exotic. Sometimes the results are spectacular, sometimes they are a spectacular failure. Nobody else is quite sure what he's doing.

Sherri/Terri for UL-Monroe and UL-Lafayette: Often seen interacting briefly with major characters early on in episodes / football seasons in utterly inconsequential ways, then disappearing entirely. They have their own hopes, interactions, stories and tribulations but nobody really cares.

Rev. Lovejoy for Baylor: Appears to be nothing more than a pious doormat. Attempts from time to time to become relevant but never succeeds. Is unsuccessfully trying to hide a streak of self-loathing.

Cletus for West Virginia: Well, there's the obvious imagery. Appears briefly at irregular intervals to steal a scene, then fades immediately from memory for a large block of time. Amusing while he's on screen, but nobody ever says "Man, I haven't seen Cletus in a while! I kinda miss him!"

Anonymous said...

UTEP: Herb Simpson

Their head coach had it all, a cushy job and lots of money. He then let outside people ruin him and now scratches and claws to get to the top. UTEP has made a name for itself with their play and Herb has made a name for himself with his baby translator.

8th Duff-Belchy said...

Pitt: Herbert Powell
Like Herb and his automobile empire, Pitt was a tremendously successful organization (9 time National Champions), but fell upon some tough times after putting a member of the ?family? (Foge Fazio as Homer), in charge of the future of the team. After many painful years on Skid Row, Pitt was able to clean up it?s act (and facilities), and become a stylish, competitive entity again. If only Herb?s baby translator could decode that Pittsburgh accent.

Anonymous said...

I'd pick Jasper (the old guy with the beard and the raspy voice in the nursing home) as Minnesota. Though nobody seems to know this, each were awesome back in the day (1930s). Even though they're still feisty and like to be "offensive," they can't seem to do more than disrupt things for others every now and then.

Here are some pics of Jasper:
http://animatedtv.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=animatedtv&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.geocities.com%2FHollywood%2F6890%2Fjasperpics.html

Anonymous said...

How about Homer and Ned's Vegas wifes for Nevada and Nevada-Las Vegas, cause of the gambling paralell.

Anonymous said...

Maryland
Capitol City goofball

he they are somewhat close to DC and Fidge is as big as the goofball

and frankly Maryland is goofy since when is a turtle scary???

Anonymous said...

sPITT to Disco Stu

they had a few good years 76-80 all which have come to light on some sort of drug use and or wierd behavior and also like the the Disco era (YMCA) an acroynym fits them well (ASWP) (Another School in Western Pennsylvania)

and now that Wanny is there that stach has 70's lounge lizard all over it

Anonymous said...

hollis hurlburt sprigfield cirautor

Harvard maybe Princeton reminder that of what football once was or what Springfield one was


Stoncutters Leader aka Number 1

gotta be Yale those secret societies are up to no good plus drinking and pong are really their forbidden fruits

The captain not really a captain

Syracuse not really a football team either also central northern new york famous for all you can eat places ?? I know its a reach

ok then maybe the seven duffs the big east confernce??

and :Lucious Sweet as Tranghesse??

Big East sucks

FaithfulRaider said...

Anonymous seems to have an obsession with Texas Tech...

Anonymous said...

I would agree with Sheri and Teri for Washington and Washington State.

As much as I hate to admit it as a Wazzu Cougar Alum, way too many times do people confuse UW with WSU.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to ask Leo what his definition of a hick is.....

Anonymous said...

Great to see you don't perpetuate stereotypes, why not make Georgia, Jim the Klansman, or VT Bill the Child Molester, the lesser known Simpsons characters.

BamaFan said...

That was very awe inspiring.

Anonymous said...

In response to Uconn being rude and obnoxious, HELL YEAH WE ARE!

Anonymous said...

unc can't be Maggie. Maggie sweet and innocent. unc is the thug school despite their baby colors.
http://carolinasucks.com/images/uncrapsheet.htm

Arkon said...

Buckeye haters, you poor underpriveliged doofuses?
We look at Buckeye haters the same way a dog looks at a fire hydrant.

Anonymous said...

I nominate Mindy Simmons for the University of Houston....

A well qualified canidate let into a big job with the SWC, flirted with the big boys(Big 12) when spurned hit the bottle pretty hard and lost it all.

Anonymous said...

Pitt should either be:

Patches- the little orphan boy who looks like Tiny Tim. Both are somewhat broken and have been left alone by those that are important to them. Pitt by Miami, BC, & VT and Patches by his parents.

Lugash - The gymnastics instructor. Both have seen better days and has some past claim to fame. Yet they makes decisions that leave people scratching thier heads. Pitt with thier recent trials and Lugash defecting into East Germany. Also doesn't seem to care to pay attention to what other people say. Pitt refuses to acknowlege that the Big East is not what it was 3 years ago and Lugash gives Lisa a cat back when she had given him a dog, and tells her "Its cat now" when she protests. And after all in the grand sceme of things he's just a Gymnastics instructor/ Big East member and seems doomed to not be able to pull themselves any higher

Anonymous said...

"OSU aren't the only thugs" or "at least we suspended Clarett"...need we remind you that Clarett has been the biggest scandal in the last decade or two? When a player singlehandedly takes you to a national championship, and then is found out to be a SCAM, it is a scandal of first degree."

Clarett singlehandedly took OSU to the national championship? Hardly.

Every starter for that 2002 team is in the NFL, EXCEPT FOR MAURICE CLARETT. Most of the backups are in the league as well. That team had a lot more going for it than just Clarett.

Barely Legal said...

Clearly Ohio University and Barney should be tied together. Character / students known for drinking. Frank Solich gets DUI facing wrong way down one way street days after season ends.

Anonymous said...

^ with clarett.. the thing everyone misses is that it was clarett who then singlehandedly tried to bring the program down.. without him on the field we would never of been in the game(we were a good team, yes, but honestly every buckeye fan knows the offense was electric with him in.. much like smiths energy as opposed to zwicks.. simply put yes thank clarett for his on field success but his off field stupidity shouldn't fall directly on OSU shoulders.. honestly i wasnt pissed or mad when i read it.. kinda hoping for something better

Anonymous said...

tennessee should be Cletus. You just can't find backward, bumbling, redneck rocky-flops like those guys anywhere else.

Anonymous said...

Highly amusing. Many of those were correct.

But the ND/BC reference just doesn't work. It would have say, 1998

But Notre Dame hasn't beaten Boston College since the Clinton Administration.

Anonymous said...

Greatest. Article. Ever. - GA Tech Fan

Some more suggestions:

Pack of Nerds from Homer goes to College episode - Harvard, Yale, and Princeton....you come up with the witty pun or one liner.

Lunch Lady Doris - Rutgers, always cutting corners to make ends meet i.e. horse testicles but in the end still very disgusting and down right putrid.

Jimmy the scumbag - Oklahoma St. they dont really show up all that often in the limelight, but when they do you just ultimately suspect something is afoul and smells rotten.

Pittsburgh - Tibor Homer's scapegoat and the future scape goat for Big East's unwarranted BCS automatic conference births

ides said...

That was quite an impressive feat. As a Big Ten fan, I loved your analyses.

Clem said...

for your ego's sake, linked HERE as well.

Evan said...

and also here

great stuff

Chas Claus said...

1. This is the greatest site I've ever seen.

2. BuckeyeFan: in the words of Shakespeare, "me thinks thou doest protest too much." Oh, wait... most OSU fans are illiterate and certainly there's not a single OSU grad who has ever read the Bard. In simple, monosyllabic words that even you can understand: YOU ARE THUGS.

3. I beg you to reconsider a couple of your current comparisons and consider the following: Pitt = Jebediah Sprinfield (long-time claim to college football importance is probably fraudulant, but everyone agreeably pretends the legends are true); West Virginia = Shelbyville Manhattan (folks from right next door to Pitt/Springfield - hence the "Backyard Brawl" - except that the Mountaineers/Shelbyville, figured that the whole point was to "marry our cousins ... because they're so attractive.") The rivalry has been around ever since...

Anonymous said...

YOur BIGGEST mistake is characterizing UGA as Homer, Homer is by far the most popular Simpson character, UGA is at best 5th in the SEC hierarchy. As follows 1Alabama, 2Tennessee,3Auburn,4 Florida, 5 Georgia, 6 LSU -- who cares about the rest. This list is based on achievement, traditions, attmosphere. You cant let UGA's modest success dictate who is the main character in the SEC. For years UGa never could beat Tennessee, and still cant beat Florida (2 in like 13 or 14 years). Please, to consider UGa the biggest player in the SEC much less the rest of the country is a joke. OH and by the way their fight song sucks. Be original. Auburn, Tennessee, and Alabama deserve more respect than to be characterized as pawns of some mediocre team thats grown too big for its britches. YOur list is a joke. Give me a break.

Anonymous said...

^I second point #3 from chas claus.

I didn't see anyhing wrong while I was reading it, but Pitt definitely needs to be somewhere on this list.

Other than that, great work!

jackal said...

You're linked to on gorillamask.net. Thought you'd like to know.

Andy said...

First of all, I'd like to congratulate you on a masterful effort ... that was definitely worth the time spent reading.

One suggestion though if you'd like to add on ...

San Diego State - Cookie Kwan

Wants to be "#1 on the west side." Known for scarlet uniforms with black trim. Always trying to go the extra mile to "one-up" everyone working her region. Desperate at trying to find the right man/men. Attractive to look at, but will never be anything more than a big fish in a small pond. And probably never that either.

Hope you put it in ... poor Aztecs never get recognition for anything.

Anonymous said...

Who says Maryland has crummy QB play?!?!?
Hollenbach is way better than whatever loser plays at NC State!

Anonymous said...

How do all these terribly obscure little schools make it into these lists, and yet Iowa & Iowa State are left out?

Anonymous said...

1. Chuck Amato IS Disco Stu

2. Attention Michigan fans...
Ohio State OWNS you. Get used to it ,because it is only going to get worse. To the non-Big 10 you are irrelivant. Consider yourselves lucky to even be involved in this conversation.

3. Arkansas: Groundskeeper Willie
perfect

4. Kentucky: Ralphie Wiggum
perfect

Anonymous said...

In response to the popularity post that places 5 teams above LSU base on "achievement, traditions, attmosphere", you've got to be kidding.

It is a recently made list. And you're top three teams aren't contenders in the SEC like they were. It is an unfortunate fact that UGA and LSU have more achievement, tradition, and a better atmosphere to play in than any of those teams.

"In 1998, Sport Magazine named Tiger Stadium "the most feared road playing site in America", and in 1996, ESPN named LSU's pre-game party the best in all of America. Those surveys supported the previous polls by Gannett News Service in 1995, The Sporting News in 1989 and the College Football Association in 1987, that show Tiger Stadium to be the most difficult place for a visiting team to play."

Anonymous said...

Pitt = Jasper

A tired old man who was once semi-great. Still shows flashes of talent, but his greatest acheivement is stealing a newspaper from Abe Simpson.

Anonymous said...

University of Miami = Snake; if you don't dislike him, you're just a dick. 75 active NFL players. It's all about the U.

arkon said...

Hey "anonymous" (Anonymous said...
Attention Michigan fans...
Ohio State OWNS you. Get used to it ,because it is only going to get worse. To the non-Big 10 you are irrelivant. Consider yourselves lucky to even be involved in this conversation.), You're right, of course, about m******n, but there's no reason to insult other conferences, dude. that kind of crap that gives Ohio State a bad name :(

Dirty Carl said...

Great list. How about Pittsburg State (Kansas) as Shelbyville. A division II powerhouse that lives in the shadows of the big time division I programs. Plus it's not a very long drive to Springfield (Missouri).

JP said...

Some other schools and characters not mentioned:

The Big East: Mojo the Helper Monkey.
Had all the tools to be a contributing member of society/BCS, but now is a shell of its former self that lies crippled and in need of prayers.

Air Force: Serak the Preparer
Obviously if Army and Navy are Kang and Kodos. Plus by playing in the Mountain West, at least Serak is trying to act like an earthling with his cooking abilities.


Baylor: Homer Simpson from Police Cops
"Why does the Homer Simpson character have to be so stupid?"
"He's not stupid, he's a street-smart fish out of water in a world he never made!"


Temple: Chester Lampwick
Once a bit player, now a homeless bum.


Indiana: Timmy O'Toole
"He fell down a well. That's more than you've done!"


Syracuse and Pittsburgh: Bill and Marty from KBBL.
Same old tired schtick year in and year out; yet some people still think they are relevant.


Rutgers: Miss Hoover
"It turns out my Lime disease was pyschosomatic."
"Does that mean you're crazy?"
"No, dummy, it means she was faking it!"
"Actually, children, it's a little of both."


Memphis: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
May be somebody someday, but probably not. And for now stuck in puberty/CUSA.


Cincinnati: Leon Kompowski
Occasionally sounds like the real deal, but never is, and probably should be locked up.

Anonymous said...

Central Florida has to be Lyle Lanley from the monorail episode. Devious and absolutely full of crap, but still managing to convince an entire town (or school) to invest in a shaky proposition to move into the modern world.

Anonymous said...

>>Central Florida has to be Lyle Lanley from the monorail episode.

Seconded. That's perfect.

Anonymous said...

Troy State: Zutroy. Nobody knows where he's from, but agree that he probably should have stayed there. Moved to Division I-A seeking a better life, only to find himself exploited by the Montgomery Burns of the world. They give him a shiny penny and pretend he fits in, but it's obvious he doesn't.

Anonymous said...

Indiana = the guy with the hat and glasses who sits at the bar in Moe's. Nobody knows anything about him, not even his name.

Anonymous said...

I stand corrected. The guy from Moe's name is "Sam". No further information available.

Rutgers = Chester J Lampwick said...

This is a great page, although a bit too SEC biased for my liking.

This website needs to have Rutgers on here, simply because they played in the first college football game.

Like Chester J Lampwick, the creator of 'Itchy' and cartoon violence, Rutgers started something great yet never gained anything from it. Although recently both have had a bit of good fortune (Solid gold house, Rocketcar and bid to the Insight Bowl), you can rest assured that both will soon be back in Bumtown (or New Brunswick for Rutgers which looks exactly like Bumtown.)

Brandon J. Mendelson said...

Now that was amazing.

Anonymous said...

I vote that Iowa should be Kearney. Iowa plays the smash mouth style of football Kearney would play. Unlike LSU/Nelson, Iowa/Kearney isn't as well known, but if Nelson and Kearney were ever to fight, it would be the schoolyard event of the year. Just like the 2005 Capital One Bowl.

jakldawg said...

Anonymous Bama apologist,
A post on a blog comparing teams to Simpsons characters (six months after the fact) complaining about your status in said rankings doesn't do much to dispell the image of a poor, put-upon, woe-is-me fanbase.
"There's a mug you don't want to chug"

Anonymous said...

Funny, but FSU should be the Crazy old man (sadly)
"Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be ... "

Anonymous said...

First of all im not a bama fan which only validates my point more. All im saying is that to claim that UGA is the main player in the SEC is a joke. As you know the college football scene changes constantly so to have a program rich in tradition consistantly tops in the nation and titles under its belt really says alot about the program. Even West Virginia can have one good season every decade. What im sayin is that you cant discount the Bama's, Tennessee's, to a lesser extent the Florida's just because recently theyve slid a bit. Overall these programs have staying power. To say that UGA is the "HOmer" of the SEC is disrespectful to the rest of the SEC. Please how many times in the past 15 years has UGA beaten Florida and Tenn in the same season. OH yeah thats right. WHat a joke. If i was to make a similar blog and place WVU as homer because they had a decent season this year is proposterous. Both WVU and UGA need to come bag when they both have national championships in the past 25 years, and 1 championship in 81 doesnt cut it to be considered homerific. So sorry if i offended LSU or all you bama haters out there, it wasnt my intent i only wanted to point out that this guy is incredibly biased to characterize UGA as homer, as he goes there, and extremely delusional.

Anonymous said...

By the way Auburn and UGA didnt play in the Southeast's first football game. UGA played against Mercer earlier that year in 1982. THE rivalry is reffered to as the Deep South's oldest rivalry, not to be confused with the South's oldest rivalry, which is UVA UNC. THought you should know.

Anonymous said...

Central Florida has to be Lyle Lanley from the monorail episode. Devious and absolutely full of crap, but still managing to convince an entire town (or school) to invest in a shaky proposition to move into the modern world.

It looks like Santa's Little Helper is strangling on his velvet rope -- er, I mean collar.

Anonymous said...

VOTE QUIMBY! and OU sucks!

Anonymous said...

Louisville is pure style over substance. The opening of the Springfield Squidport comes to mind. It looks nice, but there's really not much going on withing the infrastructure. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole shopping plaza imploded, almost like Louisville's 4th quarter debacles the last couple of seasons.

Anonymous said...

8th Duff-Belchy! Pitt? has "become a stylish, competitive entity again"? Pitt is neither stylish nor competive. What a joke! You have GOT to be a Homer!! No pun intended

Anonymous said...

> It looks like Santa's Little Helper is strangling on his velvet rope -- er, I mean collar.

At least SLH has a roof over its head and one person (Bart) who loves it unconditionally. The last time we saw Lyle Lanley, he was getting the crap beat out of him on an airplane in North Haverbrook.

Anonymous said...

Allison Taylor=Connecticut. Recently moved up a grade, but are as likely to win a bowl game/diorama contest as to get pushed in the mud.

Anonymous said...

Of course LSU is Nelson. Always kicking everyones ass and laughing in their faces aftrewards

Anonymous said...

LSU is also Nelson in the sense their fans are home grown retards who can't spell afterwards

Tipsy McStagger said...

I'm neither for or against Ohio State, but the Bucks seem more like Roger Myers, head of Itchy and Scratchy Studios. Rich, powerful and does virtually whatever he wants (i.e. graphic violence in cartoons, robot malfunctions at Itchy and Scratchyland). But when confronted, quickly turns petty and defensive. Take his appearance with Marge and Krusty on "Smartline."

Myers: I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing...there was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.

Kent: I see. Fascinating.

Myers: The Crusades, for instance. Tremendous violence, many people killed, the darned thing went on for 30 years.

Kent: And this was before cartoons were invented?

Myers: That's right, Kent.

And TCU should be Lindsay Nagel, because they switch conferences about as often as she switches jobs.

kraftyheel89 said...

i like it but i think you should make some changes:

UNC should be Nelson because we bully EVERYBODY! We own the ACC and we know it!

N.C. State should be Maggie because they are a bunch of babies and they cry!

Keep up the great work!

Kyle said...

Inspired by this post, we gave the Pac-10 the ANCHORMAN treatment over at TrojanWire:
www.trojanwire.com/football/introducing-the-action-news-pac10-power-rankings.php

NCAA Football said...

This is awesome! You obviously spent a lot of time on that and it's great. Loved the post and linked to it from my blog. Check it out:
http://everygamecounts.blogspot.com/2006/09/need-laugh.html

Anonymous said...

Louisiana-Monroe: Armen Tamzarian - ULM used to be the Northeast Louisiana Indians now they are the ULM Warhawks. Seymore Skinner used to be Armen Tamzarian. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Anonymous said...

I like them all, good stuff. I also think Wisconsin is a good choice, but could also be Uter. German beer drinking = Wisconsin beer drinking. Uter also plays hockey, and the Badgers won the national championship for men's and women's hockey this past year. Abe Simpson = Paterno = Genius

Anonymous said...

Wake Forest = Sideshow Bob's brother.

Smart and dangerous, but no one will believe they are a serious threat to anyone, no matter what they do or how much they plead to be taken seriously.

"No, WE own Boston College! WE give Clemson fits! WE are the best team in North Carolina!! WE'RE 6-1!!!"


Clemson as Snowball is perfect. Not only can they follow up a blowout loss to Wake with an ass pounding of FSU, but they can follow up a win over Miami in the old Orange Bowl with a loss to Duke.

Tommy Bowden has certainly lived several of his nine lives. Everytime Clemson is about to fire him, he knocks off another ranked opponent.

Anonymous said...

"UNC should be Nelson because we bully EVERYBODY! We own the ACC and we know it!"

It's not basketball season, buddy.

UNC football does suck more than Maggie.

At least you didn't get blown out by I-AA Furman this year, like you did in 1999. Even though they hung 42 points on the mighty Tarheel D, a win is a win, right?

Anonymous said...

Texas Tech's Mike Leach = fat drunken Barney...

but god damn I love seeing that guy talk to the media.

Anonymous said...

i dont understand GT and comic book guy...

can someone explain?

Cath said...

Awesome, just awesome...

and yes.. it is us, the fans/alums of UofM who are to blame indeed...

LOL...

mercy01 said...

i dont understand GT and comic book guy...
======================================
mercy
California Dui

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