Because if we didn't have naughty, how would we recognize nice when we saw it? Naughty is the yang to nice's yin, the essential dark side, the counterpoint without which nice couldn't exist. As Eddie Murphy said in "Vampire in Brooklyn," "Without bad, there is no good. Without light, there is no dark, you need both these things. You hear what I'm saying? . . . Well, the bottom line, what I'm trying to tell you tonight, is that evil is necessary. Evil is necessary, thereby, if it's necessary, evil . . . must be good."
Anyway, this is just a long-winded way of introducing Hey Jenny Slater's annual salute to the sexy Santa outfit, one of the most underrated Christmas traditions and most underrated costumes, too, now that I think about it. It may play second fiddle to the naughty-schoolgirl outfit, yes, but the naughty schoolgirl has been losing a bit of its luster over the past few years -- partly because of its association with Britney Spears, whose descent into Anna Nicole-esque white-trashdom has been as swift as it has been awe-inspiring, and partly because of its ties to the Catholic Church. Obviously I'm not saying the Catholic church is a bad thing, but it's kind of depressing to consider the irony that the Church is responsible for the naughty-schoolgirl outfit and yet that still wasn't enough to keep its priests from going after little boys when it came time to stray from the fold and bring shame upon an entire religion. (Before anyone accuses me of saying "They should have been molesting teenage girls instead," no, I'm not saying that at all; I'm simply using this to illustrate what a crazy, dysfunctional bed of contradiction the Catholic Church has been ever since its inception, the 2,005th anniversary of which we'll be celebrating tomorrow. Peace be with you, G.)
Anyway, back to the sexy Santa outfit, pictured above on a gaggle of San Diego Chargers cheerleaders. Who are really the most underrated cheerleading squad in the NFL, too, now that I think about it. In fact, I feel a future SAT question coming on:
Sexy Santa outfit : naughty-schoolgirl outfit :: San Diego Chargers cheerleaders : ???
The answer is the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, who, like the naughty-schoolgirl outfit, have the advantage of being the original old-school real deal, yet have been tainted by association with some unsavory characters of late (Britney Spears, a team that hasn't done shit since Switzer left). I could probably take this a lot further, but then I'd be getting into something like the Simpsons/college football post from a few weeks back, and really, you don't want to witness the humiliating spectacle of me trying to cobble together 500 words on how the Washington Redskins are the Playboy bunny costume of NFL teams.
But just as the popularity of the naughty-schoolgirl outfit spiked with the "Baby One More Time" video, I think we may soon be seeing a Renaissance of sorts with the sexy-Santa costume thanks to the holiday-themed Victoria's Secret ads that have been blowing up the spot the last couple of months. I know opinions are mixed on these -- my mom, for one, hay-hay-hates them, but I think her judgment of "pornographic" is a little extreme. I think you'd kind of have to be Amish to really think they qualify as pornographic, in which case you wouldn't have a TV and thus wouldn't know they existed in the first place. But the one I'm thinking of in particular is the one where Brazilian supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio is sashaying around in a pink sexy-Santa-esque number (viewable here), and come on, that's good clean fun, right? Even if the name "Alessandra Ambrosio" does sound suspiciously porn-star-pseudonym-esque, but hey, she hails from a country where the thong is the standard bathing suit, so I guess that's just how they do things down there.
When me and Alessandra Ambrosio get married, we're probably going to have to name our kids Candi, Kitten, and Peaches.
Anyway. We at HJS salute you, sexy Santa costume, and continue to hope for the day when Budweiser releases a "Real Men of Genius" radio ad to pay tribute to your inventor. Merry Christmas to all, except Bill O'Reilly, who gets a "Happy Holidays!!!!!111!!" right up in his smug-prick face because he's a total douche. But for those of you who celebrate non-Christmas holidays this time of year, select one of the many holiday greetings from the Gunslingers, and to all a good night.