Friday, September 28

Frankly, my dear, the Friday Random Ten+5 doesn't give a damn.

This week's +5: Five Lines I've Always Wanted To Use On Somebody. As you'll see, these are useful only in a very narrow set of circumstances, but hopefully I'll get to use them one of these days.

"My business is pleasure."
I've always wanted to say this to someone at, like, an airport or something, but the problem is the only people who ask the business-or-pleasure question anymore are customs agents, and they probably wouldn't find this answer funny.

"Fuck You. That's my name."
I think this one was originally uttered by Alec Baldwin in the movie "Glengarry Glen Ross." I may actually get the opportunity to use this on my landlord before too long.

"Here. Go buy yourself something pretty."
Preferably spoken to a concierge or cocktail waitress in Vegas right after I've tossed her a $1,000 chip. If I ever get one of those -- or have $1,000 cash at my disposal at any given moment -- I'll be sure to let you know.

"Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends -- because if we had, you'd know that I give head before I give favors, and I don't even give my best friends head, so your chances of getting a favor are pretty fucking slim."
Originally used by Timothy Olyphant's drug-dealer character in the underrated movie "Go." This is another one I may actually get a chance to use in the near future.

"No, YOU'RE out of order!"
I've never been called as a witness in a court case, but if I ever do, I hope I get to yell this from either the gallery or, better yet, the witness stand. I think it'd be worth a $100 contempt charge.

And now the Ten:

1. 3rd Bass, "Product of the Environment"
2. Nine Inch Nails, "Ruiner"
3. Jane's Addiction, "Been Caught Stealing"
4. Charles Mingus, "II BS"
5. Robert Palmer, "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On"
6. Helmet and House of Pain, "Just Another Victim"
7. New Order, "60 Miles an Hour"
8. Johnny Cash, "The Long Black Veil"
9. Sting, "Fragile"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "London" (Genuine Piano mix)

Your own Random Tens, and the lines you've always wanted to whip out on somebody, in the comments.


Anonymous said...

The line I'm dying to use comes from my professional mentor, a 40-year State House correspondent who wrapped up a brilliant career covering nine governors and one president unexpectedly on a Friday afternoon with a four-word e-mail to an overbearing editor: "Fuck you. I quit."

Dad said...

"I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything." --Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes)


Rob Zombie: Dragula
Warren Zevon: Sentimental Hygeine
Iron Maiden: Running Silent, Running Deep
Johnny Cash: Boy Named Sue
Kate Bush: Babooshka
Iron Maiden: Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner
Jimi Hendrix: Purple Haze
Sacred Reich: American Way
NWA: Fuck Tha Police
Ramones: Pinhead

Universal Remonster said...

I have a few pick up lines that I've never, and probably never will get to use. Like....

1) Running and tackling a random girl at a bar, and then when she gets pissed off and screams "What the hell?!" say "Sorry, I had to save you from the other guys in here...." (This line, which I have seen work for someone, is what coined a popular phrase my friends and I use, which is "Tackle drunk bitches." Just a joke, of course.)

2) "Wanna go out for pizza and a fuck?" She says "no." You say, "What's the matter? You don't like pizza?" (Has also worked for a friend. I have no idea why.)

3) "Hey, so you know how much a polar bear weighs?"


"Well, it's enough to break the ice. I'm (insert name)."


Anonymous said...

Yeah, it's worth a $100.00 contempt fine. You probably could have gotten a fine that low in 1920, maybe even 1950. But today? Well, let's just say I hope it's worth a little more, including possibly some jail time. As long as you hold on to your principles, that's the main thing.

Anonymous said...

1. Bathroom - Archers of Loaf
2. Two Sides, Monsieur Valentine - Spoon
3. Can't Hear the Words - Subhumans
4. Latin Simone - Gorillaz
5. A Higher Place - Royksopp
6. Ocean Man - Ween
7. All in a Day's Work - Eels
8. The Other Jesus - Swervedriver
9. 400 Metres - Sloan
10. 51-7 - Camper Van Beethoven

Anonymous said...

The Baldwin line is on my list. I've actually used the Olyphant one.

Will said...

I may have used the Baldwin line as part of the near-brawl my mooning caused after a RHCP/Snoop Concert. There was tequila involved, so I'm not sure.

And I'm 99% that quote belongs to Mr. Bart Simpson, not Calvin.

NCT said...

Go was a great movie.

Not a line, but I've been known to tell a fetching female friend that she looked like Scarlet at the Twelve Oaks Barbecue at the bar last night.

"That's a familiar story. I don't like familiar stories." -- Sandy Dennis (Honey) in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? -- handy when someone tells their got-pulled-over story from last year or while watching Requiem for a Dream.

I have a hard time storing lines that I'd have a hard time actually using.

And for great, great writing, please see Woolf if you haven't already. The first few times it's egregiously painful, but it gets hilariously campy after the fourth or fifth time.