Who among us doesn't love a good burn?

Normally I try to stay away from celebrity feuds, but this thing with Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields really caught my attention recently. Full disclosure -- in spite of the fact that I like quite a lot of the movies he's been in (I was one of the two people in North America who liked "Vanilla Sky," for crying out loud), I've thought Tom Cruise was kind of a twit for a while now, and not because of the Scientology thing (well, not just because of the Scientology thing). Your mileage may vary, but I'm sorry, nobody who goes on "Oprah" and acts like this has any business criticizing anyone else's pharmaceutical proclivities. I'm sure Tom's two kids were just as proud as can be watching their dad go on national TV and acting like a total raisin cake to declare his love for a woman who'd be old enough to be their mom only if she got knocked up as a freshman in high school.

But anyway, I mention this mainly because Shields responded to Cruise's sticking his show-me-the-moneying, Joey-Potter-banging Scientologist nose into her personal business with one of the best burns of the year so far:

Contactmusic.com reports that Shields took a dig at the 16-year age gap between Cruise, 42, and his new girlfriend Katie Holmes, 26, by offering him a child ticket so he can take her to see Chicago in London.

"If he wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets -- one adult, one child," she reportedly said.

Heh. Is it bad that I'd take Brooke Shields over either of the two chicks Tom has gone out with since dumping Nicole Kidman, and probably Nicole Kidman too, now that I think about it? (Although she did look pretty hot in the trailer for "Bewitched" . . . I'll have to get back to you on that one.)

Anyway, with that in mind, it's time for the return of everyone's favorite parlor game, Death Is Not An Option:

· Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes or Britney Spears and Kevin Federline?

· "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" or "Mission Impossible III"?

· George W. Bush or Jacques Chirac?

· The Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich or the Hummer H2?

· This guy or this guy?

· Taking a 10-hour flight from Munich to Atlanta with a nasty head cold, or cramming 11 frozen embryos into your uterus?

· Newsweek or E!?