Sunday, August 2

Monday Morning Cage Match VIII:
Hipster doofus vs. Wall Street doofus.

This year marks the 30th anniversary of the film Kramer vs. Kramer, which swept the big four Academy Awards -- Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Actress -- in addition to the Best Adapted Screenplay honor; only "The Silence of the Lambs" has matched that achievement since. Why bother telling you all this? Well, I figured that after 30 years it was time for a rematch, and the Monday Morning Cage Match is the perfect place to host it. So here's Round Two of Kramer vs. Cramer:

[Cosmo] Kramer

[Jim] Cramer
Day jobVariously an actor, writer, bagel maker, and owner of "Kramerica Industries"Stock speculator
WINNER: Kramer
Side hustleOne of Murphy Brown's famously short-lived secretariesOne of Donald Trump's boardroom lackeys on "The Apprentice"
WINNER: Cramer
BibliographyCoffee-table book about coffee tablesJim Cramer's Stay Mad for Life: Get Rich, Stay Rich (Make Your Kids Even Richer); Jim Cramer's Mad Money: Watch TV, Get Rich; Jim Cramer's Real Money: Sane Investing in an Insane World; Confessions of a Street Addict; You Got Screwed! Why Wall Street Tanked and How You Can Prosper
WINNER: Tie (quantity vs. quality, like)
Greatest achievementPlaying a nude game of backgammon in the Cayman Islands with Elle MacPhersonStaying employed at CNBC after having gotten his lunch eaten by Jon Stewart on multiple occasions
WINNER: Kramer
Method to his madness?Yes, even though we're not sure what it isIncreasingly doubtful
WINNER: Kramer
Statement they probably wish they could take back"Throw his ass out! He's a n****r! He's a n****r! He's a n****r!""No! No! No! Bear Stearns is not in trouble. If anything, they're more likely to be taken over. Don't move your money from Bear."
WINNER: Cramer
Currently working?Not that we've noticedYes
WINNER: Cramer

FINAL SCORE: Cosmo Kramer 4, Jim Cramer 4. So apparently they are equally reputable. We're not sure which one should take that as the bigger insult.

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