Monday, August 17

Monday Morning Cage Match X:
At long last, apples vs. oranges.

The Cage Match marks its 10th week with this week's matchup, and that calls for something special. And ambitious. What more controversial, diabolical question could we possibly seek to solve than apples vs. oranges? Herewith: Fiona Apple vs. Prince William III of Orange. It's going to be a fight to the finish.

Fiona Apple

William of Orange
OccupationPop singerSovereign prince of England
WINNER: William of Orange
Known forIdiosyncratic lyrics and unusual musical arrangementsChampioning the Protestant faith in the face of Catholic French ruler Louis XIV in the 17th century
WINNER: Fiona Apple
First big breakTriple-platinum 1996 debut album Tidal1670 admission to the Dutch council overseeing the nation's defense budget
WINNER: Fiona Apple
Controversial quote"This world is bullshit, and you shouldn't model your life on what you think that we think is cool, and what we're wearing and what we're saying.""Every bullet has its billet."
WINNER: Fiona Apple (William's sounds cooler,
but I couldn't figure out what the fuck he was talking about)
Questionable decisionGiving her second album a 90-word titleRestricting the religious freedom of Roman Catholics and non-Christians
WINNER: Fiona Apple
Questionable love interest(s)"Magnolia" director Paul Thomas AndersonTwo male Dutch courtiers
WINNER: William of Orange (sorry, but "Magnolia" and "There Will Be Blood" really, really sucked)
Current fansMoody teenagers vacillating between indie-rock hipsterism and gothNorthern Irish Protestants who like holding parades through Catholic areas

FINAL SCORE: Apple 5, Orange 3. The great question is finally settled. You're welcome.


Universal Remonster said...

Glad to see Fiona on top... she is an extraordinary machine, after all.

Josh M. said...

"(sorry, but 'Magnolia' and 'There Will Be Blood' really, really sucked)..."

Winner: NOT DOUG.

NCT said...

Magnolia was a great movie. Julianna Moore's pharmacy scene alone would have been enough to hoist License To Drive on its back and climb up to awesome.

Ben in Georgia said...

"Every bullet has its billet."

I think he's saying every bullet has its final resting place/someone it is destined to fuck up.

Via Wikipedia: A billet is a term for living quarters to which a soldier is assigned to sleep. Historically, it referred to a private dwelling that was required to accept the soldier.

Winner: Orange