Thursday, August 27

A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:
Insurance salesgirls and Twitter accounts, but first, porn!

· Contrary to what some of you might think, just because I'm a raging commie pinko liberal doesn't mean I'm all that different from you. At the end of the day, I'm just a man. I like my beer cold, my chicken wings hot, my football loud, and my boobs D-cup or bigger. Yet there's one thing I've never gotten into: hard-core porn. Why would I want to watch two people have sex if neither one of them is me? Don't get me wrong, I'll watch naked women 'till the cows come home, but you throw a dude into the mix and suddenly the only thing I can think about is all the sex I'm not having. (That and the fact that I'm looking at another guy's dick. I really don't like looking at dicks, period, and more often than not that includes my own. But I digress.)

So it was with trepidation that I clicked this link, sent to me via Twitter by Jerry of The Joe Cribbs Car Wash. Don't blow a gasket, Jerry's married, for crying out loud, and that link is completely safe for work. But it's about a pornographic parody of "30 Rock." Here's the safe-for-work-except-for-some-naughty-words trailer:

I was prepared to hate everything about this film, based on, among other things, my revulsion at the mere thought of Liz Lemon (or a Liz-Lemon-like character) getting twisted out by one or perhaps multiple cast members of the show. That mental image still makes my inner child cry, but here's the thing: The trailer's really funny. Being a screenwriter for a porn flick has to be kind of like being Orrin Hatch's vice chief of staff for LGBT relations, but whoever the writers of the "30 Rock" parody are, they've nailed the show's comic sensibility. ("I bought this table with the money I made from my hit movie 'Little Black Baby, Cracka-Ass Parents.' ") The dude who plays the Jack Donaghy stand-in, Herschel Savage, sounds so much like Alec Baldwin I don't know that I'd be able to tell them apart with my eyes closed. Someone clearly did their research and put some effort into this, and I'm glad to see it.

It's all enough to make me seriously consider buying a copy of the DVD . . . but my mom specifically told me not to.

· Last week's Friday Random Ten+5 got me thinking about Flo, the Progressive Auto Insurance Salesgirl -- not that I shouldn't think Flo is hot, just as none of you should, but anyway, WSB News tracked her down and uncovered some interesting info about her in what I can only guess was an EXCLUSIVE interview. Among them: Her name is Stephanie Courtney, and she's 38; she's a member of the L.A. improv group The Groundlings; and she has a recurring role on "Mad Men." And it's apparently not easy being Flo:

"They tease my hair, spray it and stick the headband in it," Courtney explains. "And the makeup is like painting a portrait on my face," she says, laughing. "It's insane. It totally changes things on my face. It's like having a mask on."

I think you mean it's like having an adorable mask on. But Flo isn't bad-looking in real life, either, as evidenced by the picture with the article.

· Who is the richest fictional character in the world? Apparently it's Scrooge McDuck, whose mining/manufacturing/treasure-hunting empire is valued by Forbes magazine at around $29.1 billion. I'm not counting Uncle Sam in this ranking, because he's not so much a fictional character as he is a generic symbol for a government that can print basically as much money as it wants. I was surprised to find Princess Peach off the list due to a revolution within the Mushroom Kingdom. I have no idea how they calculated any of this, but it's still a fun read, and yes, it includes Jabba the Hutt's interstellar criminal empire.

· I've said it before on Twitter, but it bears repeating: If you're not following shitmydadsays, you're missing out on a real opportunity to maximize your Twitter potential.

· One more inuendo-riffic embedded video, courtesy of faithful reader Matt, to amuse you on a rainy Thursday: the "Shake Weight," which lets women achieve toned, shapely arms and presumably acquire some other valuable talents in the process.


Universal Remonster said...

*puts in order for shakeweight for girlfriend*

Matt B. said...

I'm going to start charging girls $19.95 to shake my weight