Tuesday, March 8

Great. Thanks to the Republican Party, I now wish I was gay. Oh, and also Republican.

Now, while you've been warned this is not a strictly political blog, I know some of y'all have come here from GWBWYPGN?! looking for political stuff, so I shall now talk some semi-political trash, just to show you vultures I haven't gone soft.

I've actually been wanting to post something on the Jeff Gannon/Jim Guckert scandal for a while, just because the whole thing is so . . . well, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's comedy gold. People on both sides of the political spectrum have been complaining for so long about how Washington is full of whores that when one of them turns out to be an actual whore, so many potential jokes bum-rush your cranium that you almost don't know where to begin.

There are many other hilarious things about this, of course, one of the major ones being that the Republicans -- who spent the better part of last year trying to get an anti-gay-marriage amendment passed, and who in Alabama are trying to pass a law banning any mention of homosexuality from school library materials -- have their culottes in a self-righteous wad over how horribly James Jeffrey Guckert Gannon Jingleheimer Schmitt has been treated by the left just because he did some, you know, gay stuff. Let me put your minds at ease right here, Republicans -- we lefties didn't jump on JimJeff just 'cause he's gay. You may rest assured that we would jump just as eagerly on any straight prostitute who was issued a White House press pass out of the blue, particularly if we could find a way in which "happy ending" was somehow involved (though I understand that's Alberto Gonzalez's duty now).

Equally humorous is the way Republicans are suddenly insisting JeffJim's personal life is none of our business. Yeah, they've spent the last 6+ years playing a bizarrely repetitive game of 20 Questions where the answer, every single time, is "Bill Clinton's schlong" ("Is it Democratic or Republican? . . . Was it ever inside an intern? . . . Is it responsible for the decreased vigilance against terrorism that led directly to 9/11? . . . Uh, it's Bill Clinton's schlong!"), yet somehow Jim Guckert's schlong -- which was advertised and depicted publicly on a damn Web site, for Christ's sake, right down to its length to the nearest inch -- is absolutely off limits. How dare you even speak of the male organ! At long last, sir, have you no decency?

But there's one thing that ain't the least bit funny, and it's the fact that the Republicans are in favor of special rights for homosexuals. Yeah, that's right, I said it.

Think about it. As I said, the Republicans spent a huge part of 2004 -- and appear poised to spend a huge part of subsequent years -- campaigning to keep gay people from getting married. Many of them don't even like the fact that gays can enter into civil unions in some places, so one can only deduce that, to a substantial portion of the Republican Party, the idea that two gay people could enter into any kind of committed, monogamous relationship is a total anathema.

Yet if their outrage over the treatment of poor persecuted JimJeff is any indication, they are totally, 100-percent OK with gay folks screwing as many different people as they possibly can. And getting paid for it, no less! Why, they'll even reward you with White House access above and beyond what any average Joe gets! You can even ask a question directly to the president's face! (Hell, I was an actual journalist once and I never got to do that!)

And that just ain't fair. We straight people are expected to have -- and are in some cases all but railroaded into -- committed, monogamous relationships. The more socially conservative elements of the Republican Party, in particular, insist that it's the duty of straight folks to couple up ASAP and start populatin' the country with good Christian babies, no matter how much joyless, workmanlike sex it takes. In fact, my particular brand of Christianity (Catholicism) tells me I get to have only as much joyless, workmanlike sex as it takes to make a baby, and not one orgasm more. But then the Repubs turn right around and tell gay people not to enter into committed relationships, but rather to do as many people as they possibly can! If they're willing to turn a blind eye when JeffJim does it, they'll give a free pass to you too!

Straights have to pair off and screw only that person for the rest of their lives, but gay dudes can bone as many different people as their libidos will allow, and they get to kick it in the White House press corps as a bonus. As a straight Catholic dude who's been taught to be paralyzed with guilt if I so much as go to Hooters and fantasize about my waitress in a thong, I'm really pissed with the whole deal.

So I'm tellin' you, guys, I'm really starting to wish I was gay. (And Republican, 'cause I'm pretty sure it got JimJeff some extra leeway.) Not just because of the GOP's blatant double standard regarding the nation's sexual activities, but because . . . well, I'm gonna be honest with you: Half the time I can't pay hot straight chicks to give me a second glance, but I've had more gay guys hit on me or tell me "Hmm, straight, what a waste" than I can even count. If I turned gay tomorrow, you'd never hear from me on this blog again, 'cause I'd have a different date hooked up every single night. Not only that, but I'd be able to bang them with the GOP's blessing.

Damn you, JeffJim GannonGuckert! Damn you and your ambiguous sexuality and your allegedly eight-inch member, damn it all to hell. It's all sunshine and lollipops for you, isn't it, palling around with the nation's most powerful and influential people and then going home to put a few more hot military notches in your hot military bedpost? Meanwhile, here I am, grateful to have access to one meaningless, purely physical relationship with a girl, just one, and yet even when I do, I can't enjoy it (and I have to go to confession, usually) because I know that, as a straight person, the use of my penis for mere physical pleasure -- or really any purpose other than brining a new life into the world -- is making the baby Jesus cry.

But so anyway, if anyone needs me, I'll be standing outside the headquarters of the local chapter of the Log Cabin Republicans, with a single tear running down my cheek like the Indian in that old anti-pollution ad as I gaze wistfully into the windows and ponder just how good those lucky bastards have got it. Guys, don't let yourself be fooled by your party's adamant public opposition to any kind of acceptance for your relationships -- those cats just want you to enjoy yourselves. It really is all about freedom with them, after all.


Anonymous said...

Welcome back, your snark was missed.

Now that you got your Gannon post up, I would love to hear your position on tort reform, especially the recent passage of the class action limitation.

Oh! and lets not forget Social Security! We can never let the voters forget that it was the Repubs that wanted to raise the retirement age, raid the trust, and grab a few more trillion in debt to make it more secure, under the guise of pending disaster.. mind you the pending disaster is about as real as the WMD's they now admit didn't really exist.....

Anonymous said...

Amen to the 20 questions, with every answer being the Clenis.

Speaking of members, schlongs, etc., W arrives, or is it Makes His Most Holy Arrival, tomorrow in Fun-gomery. Woohoo!

Anonymous said...

What keeps their fucking heads from exploding?

Anonymous said...

It's not just the Catholic Christians who think the only reason a guy's penis should be inserted into a woman's vagina is to create a "new life". Many Protestant Christians--especially the ones in the most conservative denominations--believe the same thing.

I attend a church affiliated with one of those conservative Protestant denominations, and I certainly couldn't disagree with that sentiment more!

Not only should they chastize gays for having sex for pleasure; they should also go after the straight couples who either aren't ready to start a family or who can't conceive for any reason. Gah.

And yeah; I agree w/you about the Repubs double standards. "You gays can't get married; but we don't care if you bang each other to kingdom come!"/"You straight couples are allowed to get it on but ONLY if you want to have a baby. And NO SCREWING INTERNS!"

In a way, thank dog I don't affiliate myself with ANY party!

yoyogurl said...

I think I might love you enough to turn you back to the straight side. Glad to have you back. :)