The Friday Random Ten+5 goes dancing, after a fashion.

For me, the NCAA basketball tournament is kind of like World Cup Soccer: I'm not really that big a fan of either sport, but man, I love the tournaments. And in the case of college basketball, it's because of the brackets. There's something very satisfying about filling one of those out -- you are the master of the universe, determining who lives and who dies in very cut-and-dried fashion, and at least until the actual games start, everyone is a genius, picking the upsets that nobody else thought to pick and thereby demonstrating your intellectual superiority over all.

That's not to say I think college football needs something like this -- no way do we need 64 teams, or 32, or even 16, involved in picking that champion -- but basketball has been able to make it work. And I dare say there are a few competitions in life that could be dramatically improved by going to a 64-team single-elimination tournament. What sorts of things, you ask? Well, that's why this week's +5 is Five Things That Would Be Way Better If They Were Decided By 64-Team Brackets:



Presidential elections
Presidential elections are always complete chaos in the early going when one party (or, in the case of this last election, both) has 10 or 12 candidates up there arguing with each other. We could expand the field to 64, yet at the same time make things a lot simpler, by letting each side field 32 candidates and have have them debate one another two at a time; after each debate, we vote, and the biggest vote-getter from each debate advances to the next round. And you'd still get some impressive upsets, because I don't think most people would've placed Barack Obama any higher than a three seed going into 2008.



The Miss America pageant
Holly made the case for this one pretty concisely: "I can't think of anything more awesome than getting 63 pageant girls up on stage one at a time and telling them there's someone hotter than them." To expand the field to 64, we'd have to start including representatives from American protectorates and minor outlying territories such as Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, Guam, etc., but it'd be worth it.



The war on terror
One thing that's always kind of sucked about the global war on terror (or whatever they're calling it these days) is that as much as we'd like to make it all about al-Qaeda, that's not the only enemy we're fighting; we've also got the Taliban, remnants of the Baath Party, Hamas, and Moqtada al-Sadr to worry about, to name only a few. I bet it wouldn't be hard to find 63 distinct, separate groups out there who hate our frickin' guts. But putting everyone into a 64-team (-faction?) bracket would make things way easier on us, because then we could take on those groups one at a time, with all the other ones we're not fighting at that particular moment taking each other out in the meantime. And then I guess we'd end up taking on al-Qaeda in the finals, but you never know, maybe there'd be an upset along the way and we'd end up facing a sleeper organization like al-Qaeda in Iraq. (I guess AQI is a branch organization like UNC-Greensboro or Texas A&M-Corpus Christi or something like that.)



Playmate of the Year
Given that Playboy is making most of its money these days off their Web site anyway, why limit Playmates to only 12 per year? If 12 hot naked chicks is good, then 64 pretty much has to be better (a whopping 433 percent better, to be exact).



The Westminster Dog Show
I just think it would be hilarious if someone like ESPN or Fox Sports covered Westminster and did so in similar fashion to the way they cover March Madness. "Big upset in the Hunting regional today, as the third-seeded Standard Poodle got upset by the 14th-seeded Dutch Partridge Dog -- also on upset alert is the fifth-seeded Bluetick Coonhound, who took a dump on the carpet during a practice run this morning and is facing a very scrappy challenger in the 12th-seeded Boston Terrier."

And now the Ten (coming from the iPhone this week in honor of the face-rocking iPhone OS 3.0, which I'm more excited about than any reasonable person has a right to be):

1. Chaka Khan, "Feel for You"
2. The Clash, "The Guns of Brixton"
3. Pet Shop Boys, "Liberation"
4. Air, "La Femme d'Argent"
5. Groove Armada, "The Final Shakedown"
6. U2, "Acrobat"
7, Pet Shop Boys, "Home and Dry"
8. Boogie Down Productions, "Jimmy"
9. R.E.M., "I Wanted to Be Wrong"
10. John Barry Orchestra, "On Her Majesty's Secret Service"

Good luck with your brackets this weekend, folks, and feel free to drop your own bracket ideas and Random Tens in the comments. And GO BUCS! History is going to be made on the court this afternoon in Dayton; you heard it here first.

Silver linings, etc.

Not to downgrade the severity of the recession or make light of the plight of the people having to suffer through it, but if the economic downturn can make stuff like this happen, maybe it's not all bad:

The independent accounting firm of Crocs Inc. has "substantial doubt" about the future viability of the Niwot-based shoe company that experienced revenue decreases and a $185 million net loss in 2008.

Crocs on Tuesday disclosed the audit opinion from Deloitte & Touche LLP, its independent registered public accounting firm, which said it had "substantial doubt about the company's ability to continue as a going concern," according to a filing made Tuesday with the Securities and Exchange Commission

The opinion marks another hurdle for the company that experienced skyrocketing popularity for its brightly colored shoes and subsequent revenue growth in 2006 and 2007, only to see the gains fade in 2008.

Yeah, who woulda thunk that hideous rubber prison-detail-looking shoes wasn't a recession-proof industry? Anyway, I know Tim Tebow will be crushed by this surprising news, but maybe the rest of us will be able to sleep just a teeny bit easier tonight.

Party at Hinton's! Wooooo!!!!! Let's trash the place!

The good Dr. Saturday is taking a well-earned vacation this week, so Yours Truly will be helping to keep the place in order in his absence. Actually, EDSBS co-editor and alternate-universe Mrs. Doug Gillett Holly will be doing the brunt of the house-sitting work; I'm just going to be popping my head in from time to time to make sure that all the plants are watered and the major appliances haven't been left on. But I've already done my part to sully Hinton's good name contribute some fresh copy, including: a handful of fearlessly ballsy predictions (guess which ones were mine and you win absolutely nothing); a rundown of coaches-in-waiting across the country; and a public declaration that I wouldn't touch Bryce Brown with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole.

As far as that last one goes: Yes, I'm positively giddy that Brown and the Brian Butler Traveling Snake Oil Extravaganza are now Tennessee's problem. So "God told [him]" that he was a Volunteer, did He? Then Duck, Hurricane, Wildcat, and Bayou Bengal fans around the globe have new motivation to put a little something extra in the collection plate this coming Sunday. But in all seriousness, kid, here's hoping you win as many SEC and national titles as Casey Clausen, Kelly Washington, and Jabari Davis combined. (By the way: Rennie Curran looks forward to meeting you.)

Bracket that ass up.

Some of you have probably been sitting there today thinking to yourselves, "Gee, I'd really love to compete in an NCAA tournament pool this year, but I'd feel a lot better about my odds if I could enter one run by somebody who knows nothing about basketball whatsoever." Buddy, have I got a deal for you!

The Big Ass Tourney Pick 'Em Group, the official online bracket competition of Hey Jenny Slater, is once again open for business. If you want to join up for a chance at schooling the rest of us retards, go here and enter Group ID number 115110 and password "radford" (all lower-case); then all that's left for you to do is to fill out your bracket. And with Georgia not even in the same metaphorical galaxy as the field of 65 this year, your job will be even easier, as you won't be confronted with the loyalty-to-Doug-versus-actual-recognizable-logic dilemma that I'm sure was such a stumper for so many of you last year.

I will say this, though: Two squads that were once "hometown teams" for the Gillett clan earlier in my life have made the field this year as 16 seeds, and I'm telling you right now, one of them's finna make history by punking a #1 this week. So if you pick all the #1s to roll, you're going to look back on what I just told you one day and weep.

Lecture over. Go forth and be smarter than everyone else.

The Friday Random Ten+5 goes (back) to the movies.

Earlier this week, Holly, who is so beautiful she could be an air hostess in the '60s, put up her list of her ten favorite movies of last year. Considering how few movies I got off my ass and went to see last year, chopping that down to five seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do for a +5 this week. In contrast to last year, when I somehow managed to get out to all five Best Picture nominees for the first time ever, I saw maybe a couple dozen movies total in all of 2008 -- meaning I missed both a bunch of the Oscar heavyweights ("Milk," "Revolutionary Road," "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "The Wrestler," "Frost/Nixon") and a bunch of non-Oscar heavyweights I was excited about ("In Bruges," "Wanted," "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," "Hamlet 2"). And then there were other movies like "Funny Games" that I don't think ever made it to Birmingham in the first place. But here's the Five Best Movies I Did See Last Year, and I'll make an effort to be not quite so much of a slug in '09:



5. Iron Man
One of those rare superhero/comic-book movies that manages to strike an enjoyable balance between grit/realism and cartoon giddiness. Between this and "Tropic Thunder," I can't think of anyone in Hollywood who had a better year last year than Robert Downey Jr. God, am I gladhe's not a cokehead anymore so that he can get back to playing awesome characters again.



4. The Bank Job
In the first draft of this list I made (and subsequently lost), I think I left this movie off entirely. It was one of those early-year releases that, like many movies debuting in the first two months of the year, got buried beneath the run-up to the Oscars. That fact alone makes January and February a frequent dumping ground for movies that sounded good in pitch meetings but end up crappy -- "The Bank Job," though, was actually pretty good: Based on a real-life 1971 robbery in London, it looks fantastic and has plenty of action, yet manages to be more than just your typical let's-see-how-many-doublecrosses-and-plot-twists-we-can-throw-in heist flick. And Jason Statham even acts! I wonder if Patton Oswalt has seen it.



3. The Dark Knight
Perhaps a wee bit too long, definitely dark, and I can't help but thinking that the ending would've been a little more coherently wrapped up, with respect to the Joker at least, if Heath Ledger hadn't checked out just a few months after the primary filming had been completed. But still, what a movie, and what a performance by Ledger, who took on the daunting task of making the viewing public associate the Joker with someone other than Jack Nicholson and made it look easy. I continue to be thrilled and amazed with what Christopher Nolan has done in wrestling control of this franchise back from the live-action kids' cartoon it had become and making it something far grittier and more realistic, but at the same time more interesting; the second this installment in the re-booted "Batman" series was over, I wanted to start watching the next one.



2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Why is it that Judd Apatow is the only person left in Hollywood capable of producing a romantic comedy that doesn't completely suck? I think Apatow could put together a movie that even Kate Hudson would be good in, and Kate Hudson stands about as good a chance right now of ever appearing in a good movie again as I do of finding a unicorn with a solid-gold horn and big, beautiful tits on my doorstep tomorrow morning. This flick is sweet without being saccharine and funny without seeming to try way too hard for it, which by itself is amazing. Even my mom liked it, though she did wonder why they had to show Jason Segel's cock in it so much. I told her it was to demonstrate his weakness and vulnerability relative to the women in his life. That, or Jason Segel really just likes having his junk out in public. Either way, I can sympathize.



1. WALL•E
One of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen, but movies don't nearly bring me to tears based on aesthetics alone. Yes, I nearly cried at the end of this movie. Nearly cried like a big dumb homo! Movies like this are why the "Best Animated Feature" category in the Oscars ticks me off, because movies like this should be getting hyped for best picture of any kind, not slumming it in a toss-off category with "Kung Fu Panda."

The next five: "Quantum of Solace," "Pineapple Express," "Tropic Thunder," "Slumdog Millionaire," "Cloverfield."

And now the Ten:

1. Moby, "Everloving"
2. Röyksopp, "A Higher Place"
3. Gorillaz, "DARE"
4. Hall & Oates, "Private Eyes"
5. The Chambers Brothers, "Time Has Come Today"
6. R.E.M., "Orange Crush"
7. U2, "The First Time"
8. Led Zeppelin, "All My Love"
9. Beck, "Modesto"
10. U2, "One" (live at Warchild, Milan)

Oh, and the worst movie I saw last year? "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Seriously, I'm surprised George Lucas doesn't have a bounty on his head at this point. Your own Random Tens, along with your lists of best (or worst) movies, are welcomed in the comments.

Hey, that's great! I'm thinking about running for attorney general of pancakes.

Once a badass, Chuck Norris finally takes one too many roundhouse kicks to the head.

(Hat tip: Sullivan.)

Death Is Not an Option, I'M STILL THE MAN edition.

• Terrell Owens or Matt Jones?



• Terrell Owens as a Buffalo Bill, or ex-Tennessee Titan Adam "Pac-Man" Jones as a "Pro vs. Joe"?

• Following Jim Cramer on Twitter, or getting matched with Ed Orgeron on eHarmony.com?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

In Cramer We Trust

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Economic Crisis

• Taking Jim Cramer's investment advice, or wiping your ass with hundred-dollar bills?

• Florida as an NCAA tournament contender, or any Wade Phillips-coached, Tony Romo-quarterbacked Dallas Cowboys team as an NFL playoff contender?

• Billy Crudup's dick in "Watchmen," or Jason Segel's dick in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"?

• Britney Spears as your mom, or this guy as your dad?

Atlas sucked.

So I've been reading at several different blogs how a small but vocal cadre of libertarian right-wing-authoritarian-masquerading-as-libertarian bloggers are threatening to respond to Barack Obama's cruel, Marxist attempts to make us all communist put the highest marginal income-tax rate back where it was in the late 1990s by "going John Galt" -- i.e. quitting work in protest and ceasing to make contributions to a society that supposedly only wants to suck off of them like leeches -- and I was prepared to write a long, withering rant about how stupid that is, but a) DougJ at Balloon Juice has already done a better and more succinct job than I would've done (and is named Doug to boot) and b) there's no empirical proof that anyone's actually done it yet.

So in lieu of that rant, I will simply say this: If you're basing your lifestyle, your belief system, or even the name of one of your pets on Atlas Shrugged or anything else written by Ayn Rand, you are a tool.

This isn't even the cranky asshole left-wing liberal in me telling you this, this is the cranky asshole English-lit minor: Atlas Shrugged sucks. It sucks as both a political allegory and a work of fiction. It sucks hard. Atlas Shrugged is not a novel, it is a pissy, monotonous political treatise disguised as a novel, only the disguise is as threadbare as literary gloss gets, because less than 100 pages in it's clear that Rand never bothered to listen to the "show, don't tell" part of her creative-writing classes, nor did she listen to the part where somebody might've taught her how to base her characterizations on anything deeper than what brilliant, calculating industrialists her characters are. It is melodramatic, cartoonish, and as deep as a kiddie pool, but while the simplistic banality of Rand's central conceit seems like something that the average writer could explain and wrap up pretty efficiently, she manages to go on and on and on for more than a thousand pages. Here's a tip: If you're trying to write something as cut-and-dried as a political allegory but you can't bring that bird in for a landing in anything less than 1,088 pages, maybe you need to hang up your literary ambitions and go get your MBA instead. Either that, or find a more diligent editor.

If you're still of an age where teachers or professors are still making you read certain things, I have a bit of advice for you: If any of your teachers have put Atlas Shrugged on your assigned-reading list, drop that class and don't look back. Atlas Shrugged is not just awful, it is godawful. It does not need to be read or analyzed, much less lived; it exists for only two reasons: first, to demonstrate that economic conservatives can be just as annoyingly self-righteous as liberals and religious conservatives, and second, to show you whom you should avoid getting involved in conversations with at parties. I speak from experience here, for I've had the misfortune of running into a few Rand devotees in social settings, and to call them dipshits would be an insult to both dip and shit. This is not meant as a slam against libertarians in general, because I've known some very bright ones, but Ayn Rand is to libertarianism what Fall Out Boy is to punk rock: It's what you get into before you grow up and start actually thinking.

And if you actually liked the book (or claim to), then the best way you can "go John Galt" is by killing yourself. Seriously. If what you really want is to remove yourself from society, it doesn't get much more definitive than that.

ADDED: What do you know, right about the same time I was composing the rant above, the inimitable TBogg was Twittering this:



Short, sweet, to the point. More so than I was, anyway.

"Swordfight! Swordfight! F%$#in' A, man!"

I realize that the whole recut-a-movie-trailer-to-make-it-look-like-a-completely-different-genre-of-movie trend is probably verging on playing itself out by this point, but damned if this isn't the best one I've ever seen:



Clearly someone agrees with Quentin Tarantino's character from "Sleep With Me." Well played, sirs.

The Friday Random Ten+5 goes for the gold.

I know the next Olympics are still a year away, but I was in a conversation the other night about sports or other activities that should be Olympic events, so that's what you get this week: Five Events That Should Be Added To The Next Olympics.



Pole dancing
This was the suggested event that got the whole conversation started, if memory serves. Scoff if you want, but there's a lot of athletic ability involved here, as the above video should demonstrate. And like, say, figure skating, it could involve points for compulsory moves (the spin, the slide down the pole, the hanging headstand) as well as artistic merit. Presumably the costumes would be excellent. And if it takes off, you could even add pairs or synchronized pole dancing down the road.



Laser tag
In theory, the biathlon at the Winter Olympics should be awesome: Contestants go skiing off through the woods, stop, and then bust out rifles and start shooting at stuff. It sounds like the opening to a James Bond film. But in actual practice, it's pretty boring, as they're just standing still and firing at paper targets. Laser tag wouldn't involve live ammo, obviously, but it would add that element of exciting that the biathlon is sorely lacking, as all of the athletes in a given heat would be shooting at each other. Last man standing in a each preliminary heat advances to the finals, and then the last man standing in that competition gets the gold. I mean, I'd watch -- maybe not as intently as the pole-dancing competition, but I'd still watch.



Dodge ball
After watching the Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller movie from a few years back, the question I was asking was, why don't we have this as a major team sport, in the Olympics or anywhere else? I guess you'd really have to make sure your steroid testing is top-notch, though.



Football
A no-brainer, clearly. If the rest of the world gets to have their version of football in the Olympics, then we should be able to have our dramatically more awesome version. It's the greatest sport in the history of mankind, of course, and one in which Team USA would dominate on a regular basis, but there's another reason this is a needed addition to the Olympic canon: It would give American football fans the chance to prove once and for all that they can be just as loud, drunk, and obnoxious as football fans from soccer-hooligan powerhouses like England and Germany. (Actually, "football hooliganism" wouldn't be a bad addition as an Olympic sport, either, at least as an exhibition.)



Skydiving
Lots of potential for both athleticism and artistic interpretation here, too, and you could even have a separate group competition where teams would try to do stuff like this. Points would be deducted for not sticking your landing and for your parachute not opening -- which sounds cruel, I know, but an athlete's equipment is his own responsibility.

And now the Ten:

1. Living Colour, "Glamour Boys"
2. The Pixies, "Hey"
3. A Tribe Called Quest, "4 Moms"
4. Ice Cube, "Now I Gotta Wet 'Cha"
5. Pet Shop Boys, "Minimal" (M-Factor mix)
6. Primal Scream, "Movin' On Up"
7. David Holmes, "Hey Lisa"
8. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, "You & Me & the Bottle Makes 3 Tonight (Baby)"
9. Pet Shop Boys, "A Different Point of View"
10. Basement Jaxx, "Jump 'n' Shout"

Happy Friday folks. Put your own Tens and/or suggestions for Olympic additions in the comments.

Another open letter to Daniel Snyder.

Dear Dan,

First of all, I'm totally cool with the Haynesworth thing. Yeah, that's a lot of money to throw at one guy, but that could end up working out pretty nicely both for the Redskins and for Yours Truly.

But I swear to you, man, if you sign Terrell Owens -- even if it's only for one year, even if it's for NFL base, even if it's only to sell cotton candy at the stadium -- I will come up to D.C. and burn your house to the ground.

Have a great day.

Hail victory,
Doug Gillett

UPDATE: Oh, now I feel better! I think.

No minifig is safe.

More info here.

"OK, no problem there, dude. Now, you go back to doing something latently homoerotic, all right?"

As hard as this may be to believe, there is a bit of overlap between the circles for "Good Friends" and "Tennessee Fans" on the Great Hey Jenny Slater Venn Diagram of Personal Acquaintances and Other Important People, so I've made an honest effort to try and hold my tongue about all of Lane Kiffin's shenanigans. I mean, what do I care if he gets into a verbal slapfight with anyone other than Mark Richt? Like I'm gonna expend the energy it would take to pull out the fainting couch for something Kiffykins said about Urban Meyer. (Unless Meyer starts to cry again, which would then make it awesome.)

But jeez Louise, Kiffin, does your tree ever run out of low-hanging fruit?

The prospects were led to the film room, where Kiffin thanked the recruits for making the trip and considering the Volunteers. “Then this other coach [assistant] got up there and said that Tennessee takes special teams very seriously, that it’s a big key to winning,” recalled Northview defensive lineman Denzel McCoy, who has 31 early scholarship offers.

“That coach said they get real fired up on special teams and yelled for everybody to ‘Get up, get on your feet, and get fired up about special teams.’ Then this other coach ripped off his shirt Superman style. It was crazy.” . . .

After a few moments, Smith said the doors swung open and the Tennessee assistants ran into the room. “By now, three or four coaches had their shirts ripped off.” Smith said around 10 Tennessee players, including All-America defensive back Eric Berry of Atlanta and quarterback Jonathan Crompton, ran down from behind the recruits to meet the coaches on the floor. “Eric and the rest of the players were chanting ‘U-T, wild boys … U-T, wild boys … U-T wild boys.’” This time, prospects left their seats and joined the celebration. “We were all jumping up and down together, it was cool,” McCoy said.

After things appeared to calm down, Tennessee recruiting coordinator Ed Orgeron gave a rousing pep talk, which caused the whole scene to repeat itself, only more intense. “The last time, everybody was hyped up and feeling it,” Loganville tailback Storm Johnson said. “People were jumping all over the place. It was rocking. You should’ve seen it. Even the podium got knocked over.”

All four of the players said they never saw Lane Kiffin lose his shirt. “He was on the side, just watching and smiling,” Vogler said.

Right, because shirt-ripping, chants of "wild boys," and "rousing pep talks" worked out so well the last time Orgeron tried it. I'm starting to wonder if the only thing separating "Ed Orgeron" from "man with a creepy predilection for shirtless teenage boys" is a windowless van. Look, I know Mark Richt has taken a lot of heat (particularly recently) for being too calm and emotionless on the sideline, for supposedly not being enough of a motivator, but even on the team's worst day I'm still thanking my lucky stars that he doesn't do shit like this.

Take me to your leader, whoever that is.

A little over a month ago, Rep. Phil Gingrey, a Republican from northwest Georgia, said that talk-radio hosts like Rush Limbaugh were just "stand[ing] back and throw[ing] bricks" while Republicans in Congress had to try and get real work done; within 24 hours, he was on Limbaugh's show expressing "very sincere regret" for those harsh words. Last week, Republican National Committee chairman and former Maryland lieutenant governor Michael Steele referred to Limbaugh as an "entertainer" and admitted that Limbaugh's rhetoric about "want[ing] Obama to fail" was "incendiary" and "ugly"; two days later, he, too, went groveling for Limbaugh's forgiveness. Yesterday, Limbaugh implied that House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va.), despite statements seemingly to the contrary, agreed with him about wanting Obama to fail, and Cantor's office is remaining conspicuously silent about any clarifications.

So my honest, sincere question to the Republicans and small-c conservatives who stop by this site from time to time is: Is Rush Limbaugh really the guy you want as the spokesman for your party and/or ideology?

Yes, Limbaugh's show is, relatively speaking, extremely popular. Yes, he's a household name even amongst those who aren't fans. But let's not pretend that his 14,250,000 weekly listeners represent anything close to a majority of the American public. Even if I give him major benefit of the doubt and give him credit for having 14 million regular listeners -- ignoring the fact that some people might listen to his show more than once a week, or every single day -- that number is barely a fifth of the nearly 70 million people who voted for Obama in last year's election. You really want to make the American public choose between these two guys?



I'm not saying that Obama is pure as the driven snow, nor that there aren't legitimate criticisms with the way he and the Democrats are going about trying to turn the economy around. I'm not 100-percent comfortable with the idea of spending $800 billion on anything, whether it's a stimulus package, a space-based missile defense, a war in Iraq, or anything else. But I give Obama credit for sitting down with a very intelligent group of people, deciding on what they thought needed to be done to jump-start the economy, and then presenting it to the American public, controversy and all. For all their caterwauling about big spending and supposedly being cut out of the loop, have the Republicans -- whose approval ratings are currently as bad as Obama's are good -- bothered to pitch anything even resembling a tangible alternative? Not that I can see, and here again they appear to be taking their cues from El Rusbo, who at last week's CPAC convention openly mocked the idea that actually coming up with better policy proposals was a winning strategy for taking power back from the Dems.

I worked my ass off for more than a year leading up to the 2004 election, and I remember very vividly how few Democrats had any winning strategy that year other than complaining about how horrible George W. Bush was. Well, you saw how that worked out. Now you have a talk-radio shouter whose strategy is to do nothing more than that same kind of complaining -- and nobody in your party is willing to cross him. This is how you propose to get the American people to vote for you again? I think it's hilarious that these are the same folks who just a few years ago were boasting about how tough they were in being willing to take on Osama and Saddam and whoever else, but they apparently don't even have the balls to stand up to a talk-radio host.

Say what you want about Barack Obama, but you have to admit the guy's a pretty shrewd politician, and nearly every time someone's underestimated him in the past it's been to their own detriment. So if the Obama camp is trying to make Rush Limbaugh the face of the opposition -- which they are, pretty openly, in fact -- they've probably got a pretty good reason for it.

So I gotta ask, is that really the fight you want to pick? All those legitimate criticisms and concerns you supposedly have about Obama's policies, and you're just going to allow them to be routed through Limbaugh's sit-back-and-complain filter? You go do that if you want, but that's a briar patch the Democrats will play in all day long.

Returning to normal, or whatever passes for that these days.

So I got home from the hospital yesterday around three, spent the next few hours sleeping off the anaesthesia, and am now up and somewhat about, not to mention baby-alien-pod-free. I do, however, have one of these connected to me, which is sort of interesting; I imagine the Borg started out with something rather like this. I won't go through all the vagaries of what you're actually supposed to do with the thing, but I'm sure it's bang-up practice for having a colostomy bag, should I ever end up with one of those.

But anyway, I'm fine, and my regular schedule will be resuming imminently. In the meantime, read this (which I may be contributing to in future installments) and this, get up to speed with the current state of the Fulmer Cup race, and note that the AJC's own Mark Bradley has recognized my awesomeness. (Does he find me more or less "irritating" Mark Richt or Steve Spurrier, though, that's the real question.) Thanks to reader/Twitterer/Dawg fan Ally for letting me know about that last one, by the way -- I was so incoherent for most of the day yesterday that I might never have known about it if she hadn't told me.

Talk to you again in a bit, nerds.

News and weather.

So, about last night:



Yup, that's snow in Birmingham, folks. And it just figures that the one time we get a potentially campus-closing accumulation of snow, it's the day before I'm scheduled to go in for surgery and miss a couple days of work anyway.

Yeah, about that: I'm going into UAB Hospital Monday morning for some relatively minor back surgery. Nothing potentially life-threatening, they're not going to be messing around with my spinal cord or anything, but enough to render me pretty much inactive for a day or two. So if you don't hear anything on here in the next couple days, that's why. But once I'm back up and (more or less) running, I'll let everyone know in this space.

All right, enough of that. More snow:









That last one is a cell-phone picture of Champ, The World's Most Fearful Dog ®, experiencing snow for the first time. He was too afraid of the snow to venture into it to relieve himself, which meant he waited until he was back inside my apartment to do so. Top score, Champ. I couldn't be prouder.

The Friday Random Ten+5 gets wistful about ground beef.

So two days ago was Ash Wednesday, when dirty Papists like Yours Truly went to church to get a right good humbling (both from the priest who reminded us that we're all going to return to dust and the random pedestrians about town who were like, "Ew, what's that thing on your forehead?"), marking the start of Lent for another year. The list of stuff I'm giving up this year is pretty much the same as last year's, with one change -- I'm giving up red meat instead of heroin. (Oh, I gots to have my sweet, sweet heroin.)

That's actually not a huge sacrifice for me in the grand scheme of things, since I don't actually eat that much red meat unless I'm going out to a restaurant or something. On the other hand, I do have to walk by a Ruby Tuesday on my way home from work every day, and resisting the fragrant lure of Ruby Minis and onion straws wafting out of that place is gonna be a challenge. Just to torture myself, this week's +5 is the Five Best Burgers I've Ever Had In My Life.



Chez Fon Fon, Birmingham, Alabama
This is one of three restaurants in town run by world-renowned chef Frank Stitt, and it might sound like kind of a foofy place to get a burger, of all things, but I promise it's worth it. This is where I went Tuesday night to enjoy a last evening of gluttony and decadence before Lent started -- cheeseburger, French fries (which are also fantastic there), and a steady stream of vodka martinis. One of the best hangovers ever.



Brick Store Pub, Decatur, Georgia
Listed as one of Forbes magazine's "Best American Beer Bars," and not without reason: They have a list of high-alcohol-content Belgian beers that runs into the hundreds, along with a Scotch list that's nearly as long. But they also have a pretty good selection of pub food, including a juicy cheeseburger served on challah rolls handmade by angels.



The Burly Earl, Birmingham, Alabama
This place is right down 7th Avenue from my office, and sadly, it appears to have closed -- whether just temporarily or for good, I don't know, but either way it's kind of hard to figure since this place always seemed to be packed at lunchtime. Their very simple, no-nonsense bacon cheeseburger is/was an excellent hangover cure, and their steak fries aren't bad either.



Cavalier Store, Lynchburg, Virginia
The overwhelming majority of the reviews I saw of this place on the Web bemoan its stand-offish, sometimes surly service, which kind of made me laugh -- it can be kind of intimidating if you're wandering in there for the first time, but if you've lived in Lynchburg for a few months and have achieved the status of "regular," the staff is perfectly fine and will take care of you in a hurry. Fantastic burgers, steaming-hot potato wedges (which are great with ranch dressing), and they also had a few pool tables where I spent many, many hours in 1999 and 2000, guzzling cheap beer and trying to forget that I lived in Jerry Falwell's backyard.



Texas Inn, Lynchburg, Virginia
Right down Rivermont Avenue from the Cavalier, just on the edge of downtown Lynchburg, is a goofy-looking blue-roofed building called the Texas Inn, which is not a motel but rather a diner-style restaurant that serves up one of the greatest innovations in burger history: the Cheesy Western. The Cheesy Western is about the size of a regular hamburger from McDonald's, but it has a slice of cheese, a dollop of hot onion relish, and -- the crowning touch -- a fried egg on top. On fall weekends in the L-boogie when I had nothing to do but sit around and watch football, I'd head to the Texas Inn (or the T-Room, as the locals called it), pick up a couple Cheesy Westerns to go, grab a six-pack on the way home, and consume the whole lot of it in front of a steady stream of games on TV. I shudder to think of how many calories I consumed per sitting doing that, but that was back in the days when I was running four miles every morning and wasn't the lazy tub of goo I am now, so I don't feel too guilty about it.

And now the Ten:

1. Talking Heads, "Psycho Killer"
2. Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton, "Our Hell"
3. Bill Withers, "Ain't No Sunshine"
4. Fatboy Slim and Earth, Wind & Fire, "September/The Joker"
5. Pet Shop Boys, "You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk" (live from the Aerial Theatre, Houston)
6. Pet Shop Boys, "London" (Thee Radikal Dub)
7. Chemical Brothers, "Marvo Ging"
8. Johnny Cash, "The Long Black Veil"
9. Pet Shop Boys, "Paninaro '95"
10. Dr. Octagon, "No Awareness"

Did I leave any vital burger joints off this list? Let me know if I did (and put your own Random Tens in the comments while you're at it).

Switching gears: a serious question.

What's so great about owning a home?

I mean, "home ownership" is held up as this be-all, end-all goal of life in American society, but why? What's so great about "owning" a pile of bricks somewhere that you're probably never really going to "own" because it's gonna take you 15-30 years to pay it off and fewer and fewer people stay in one place for that long these days to begin with? Why do we use "home ownership" as an indicator of a strong economy, particularly when, as we've seen over the last few years, that statistic includes people who end up not being able to actually afford their homes at all and get foreclosed on and put the economy in worse shape down the road? And why in the world should someone like, say, a 30-year-old single male with a stable income have any interest whatsoever in dumping money into a house right now?

What's the difference between someone who takes out a mortgage on a $250,000 house that ends up getting foreclosed, and someone who puts a down payment on, say, a Bentley Continental Flying Spur that ends up getting repossessed because he can't make the payments? Somehow the latter individual would be ridiculed as a complete nutcase, but the former person is someone we're told we should feel sorry for because they were just trying to live the American dream. But aren't they both living wildly beyond their means? Why is one considered an extravagance and the other considered a necessity?

I know, I know, one's a ridiculous luxury car and the other's shelter, a basic human necessity, blah blah blah, but I've been paying rent on the same apartment for the last six and a half years and have done just fine in terms of maintaining a consistent roof over my head, thanks. And while I don't "own" any more of my little corner of heaven than I did when I plunked down my security deposit back in October 2002, nor have I had to watch a third (or more) of my "equity" (whatever the hell that is) disappear because real-estate prices went in the tank. I'm sure if I actually had bothered to buy a house in Birmingham back in 2002, rather than going straight to the apartment finder, I'd probably be opening a vein right now.

Yeah, one of these days I'll start a family and settle down in a place that I feel like staying in for a decade or two, and maybe then I'll look a little more deeply into this "home ownership" thing, but at the moment, my decision to remain feckless and untethered is looking smarter and smarter, even if it does mean wiping my ass with a rent check every month. Least I'm not getting my house taken back by a bank and having my possessions thrown out on the street. Seriously, though, what do y'all think? Am I completely missing something here?

The simple things.

If you've never met me in person before but are curious as to how well we'd get along if you did, the answer is it'd probably be in direct proportion to how awesome you find this.


BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

A little more info here; towering home-run shot of a playlist here.

Olive Garden Confidential: The Lost Episodes X.

Hate the "Olive Garden Confidential" series with every fiber of your being? If so, then you're in luck -- this is the last installment, at least until someone throws me some embeddable video I haven't used yet. I'm particularly interested in the ad where the dad takes the daughter and all her college roommates to Olive Garden. Oh, there's gonna be a great one for that. Until that glorious day, though, here's the 10th and (for right now) final installment in the series, "Maturity."

(As always, watch the original here first.)



SCOTT: Little brother: first bowl -- always alfredo.

KEVIN: Meat sauce.

SCOTT: Alfredo!

LITTLE BROTHER: Yeah, yeah. When are you gonna teach me how to get a girl to show me her boobs?

SCOTT: What???

LITTLE BROTHER: I want to know how to score chicks, 'cause I want to see their boobs. (awkward pause) You told me you were bringing me here to give me some brotherly advice -- you didn't mean you were going to advise me on choosing pasta dishes, did you?

SCOTT: Uh, yeah . . . that's all we were going to do.

LITTLE BROTHER: Great. I'll be a virgin until I'm 35, but at least I'll know what sauce to order until then. Thanks for nothing, you Kirk-Cameron-looking motherfucker.

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden's Never-Ending Pasta Bowl, with new five-cheese marinara! Pick any sauce and pasta combination, then another, just $7.95. Have all you want.

LITTLE BROTHER: All right, fine, I'll try the five-cheese marinara.

SCOTT and KEVIN: (in high-pitched unison) Where did you see that?!?

LITTLE BROTHER: (shaking head sadly) What a couple of queers.

ANNOUNCER: At Olive Garden, when you're here, you're family!