Friday, December 4

The Friday Random Ten+5 plans for humanity's uncertain future (with spoilers!).

A couple weeks ago I went to see the movie "2012" as the guest of dear Holly, and it was an impressive spectacle, at least -- some of the best CGI/special effects I've ever seen (though I hope for their sakes the screenwriting team got paid by the word). Anyway, the conceit is fairly simple -- turns out the Mayans were right about the planet being rocked by cataclysmic events in the year 2012 and humanity has to scramble to avoid being swallowed up by earthquakes, blown up by volcanoes, or washed away by mile-high tsunamis. Toward the end of the movie -- and here's where the SPOILER ALERTS! come in -- they have to find their way to a group of "arks" that the world's major governments have constructed in tunnels beneath the Himalayas so that humanity (and at least two of every other species) can ride out the earthquake-triggered tsunamis and eventually find their way to dry land to re-start civilization.

Pretty terrifying, no? If it turns out the Mayans are right and all that shit really is going to happen, then I'm screwed, because I don't think for one minute that I have the cash or the importance to humanity to work my way onto one of the arks. But some people will, and it's in the best interest of the human race for those people to have some kind of value or talents so that our dramatically scaled-back civilization doesn't just crumble into the global equivalent of a first-grade classroom, with some people fighting and pulling each other's hair and others just sitting off in the corner and eating paste. No, we're going to need our best and brightest (not to mention toughest) people to lead the human race into the next phase of history, and this week's +5 is a short list of suggestions -- Five People Who Should Be Able To Ride The Arks To Safety If "2012" Ever Actually Happens.

Natalie Portman
Gorgeous and Harvard-educated. This is the kind of material we need to be preserving for Earth's decimated gene pool. Particularly when wastes of space like Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag (no to mention that couple who crashed the Obama state dinner) are probably going to be attempting every trick in the book to buy their way onto the ark and infect the weakened human race with their foul attention-whoring seed.

Patton Oswalt
Patton, I think, is the first person to ever get a mention in two consecutive +5s, but he's earned it. He's also earned a spot on the ark, as he'd keep everybody riotously entertained while we all try to figure out how we're going to rebuild our ravaged society -- and if you've ever heard any of his stand-up routines you can tell he's thought a lot about the coming apocalypse and what happens when the human race devolves into Thunderdome, and I think he'd have some valuable advice to offer.

Bill Clinton
Say what you will about his time as president, he's someone who's devoted a lot of his life to humanitarian causes and might be that person we'd desperately need to show leadership and guide us to re-forming into some kind of functioning society. More importantly, though, we'd need to not just rebuild but also repopulate the planet, and I can't think of anyone better suited (or more eager) for the task. Plus if you've ever seen a movie about a major all-life-on-planet-Earth-threatening disaster, you know we need a black president, and by all accounts Bill was the first one.

Nick Saban
I know I'm gonna catch hell for this, but when humanity regroups and begins the difficult task of rebuilding itself, we're gonna need some hardasses. And if Bill Clinton plays the part of the inspirational, idealistic good cop, then the bad cop can be Nick Saban, who is trying to hold together a goddamn civilized society and DOESN'T HAVE ANY TIME FOR YOUR BULLSHIT. Oh, you were worn down by all the global tragedy you've just witnessed and thought you'd take a minute to relax with a cup of tea and one of the books we'd been able to save from total destruction? Oh, you take all the time you need, Alice, I'll just be over here TRYING TO RE-START THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF AGRICULTURE SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO HUNT AND GATHER FOR THE NEXT TEN THOUSAND YEARS. But you go ahead, yours is way more important.

Pam Grier
If you saw her in "Coffy" or "Foxy Brown," back in the 1970s, you know she was hot and a major ass-kicker; if you saw her more recently in "Jackie Brown" or any of her episodes of "Smallville" or "The L Word," you know she's still hot, and still a major ass-kicker. I could see her serving as the enforcer for the Clinton/Saban political axis, preferably wearing something like this whilst doing so. "You just handle the justice, and I'll handle the revenge myself."

And here's the Ten:

1. A Tribe Called Quest, "Get a Hold"
2. The Pixies, "Tame"
3. A Tribe Called Quest, "Award Tour"
4. A Tribe Called Quest, "Rhythm (Devoted to the Art of Moving Butts)"
5. Big Audio Dynamite II, "Green Grass"
6. R.E.M., "The Apologist"
7. Texas, "Saint"
8. New Radicals, "You Get What You Give"
9. The Pixies, "Silver"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "DJ Culturemix"

Apparently my iPod is trying to tell me that A Tribe Called Quest and the Pixies should get spots on the ark, too. OK, they all get to come.

Your turn -- throw your own Random Tens and/or candidates for seats on the humanity-preserving ark in the comments.

1 comment:

now_a_hoo said...

Anyone else catch Snoop and Bourdain talking Pam Grier over oysters in Baltimore? Worlds colliding moment for me, like the time Al Gore did an SNL sketch with Phish.