Friday, February 9

Friday Not-So-Random Ten: Pay No Attention to the Sexual Orientation Behind the Curtain Edition.

Haven't done a Not-So-Random Ten in a while, so I figured it was time. And who better to be on the receiving end than meth-abusing male-whore-fucking televangelist Ted Haggard? This, after all, was a big week for Ted -- after just three weeks of "intensive counseling," he's "completely heterosexual." For realsies! I bet all you liberal "homosexuality isn't a choice" queer-lovers feel pretty stupid now, huh? And if Ted closes his eyes and imagines, say, Tom Brady or Colin Farrell while he's giving his wife a bit of the ol' slap and tickle, then, uh . . . well, uh, that doesn't mean anything. Everybody's got their something.

So congratulations, Ted, on making it out of gayhab, and welcome back to the fold, you big straight hunk of manly Christian virtue! (And before anyone asks, no, I don't have any of R. Kelly's 12-part magnum opus "Trapped in the Closet" on my iPod -- that would've been the shit, though.)

Now, back in there with you!

Ted's Ten:

1. The Sloppy Seconds, "I Don't Want to Be a Homosexual"
2. Johnny Cash, "The Beast in Me"
3. 10cc, "I'm Not in Love"
4. Avenue Q cast, "My Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canada"
5. Pet Shop Boys, "In Denial"
6. Damon Albarn, "Closet Romantic"
7. Electric Six, "Gay Bar"
8. INXS, "Strange Desire"
9. Squeeze, "Tempted"
10. Screeching Weasel, "I Wanna Be a Homosexual"

And, of course, a bonus 11th, the song that was practically made for situations like this:

11. Pet Shop Boys, "Can You Forgive Her?"

There's actually a David Allan Coe song that kind of applies here, too, but its title is too crass even for me to put it up here.

Anyway, put your own Tens, Random or Not-So-Random, in the comments, along with whatever advice you have for Ted as he explores his shiny new heterosexuality.


Universal Remonster said...

Doug, you rock.

1. "Do you really want to hurt me?" - Culture Club
2. "Bicycle Race" - Queen
3. "Closer" - Nine Inch Nails
4. "Lola" - The Kinks
5. "Relax" - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
6. "Don't Cut my Testicles" - Arial and Ephram (Tom Hanks and Andy Sanburg)
7."It's Raining Men" - Weather Girls
8. "I'm coming out" - Diana Ross
9. "Wake me up (before you go go)" - Wham
10. "Go West" - Pet Shop Boys

NCT said...

1. Madonna, "Secret"
2. Linda Ronstadt (specifically), "Desperado"
3. The Crystal Method, "Wild, Sweet and Cool"
4. Elvis Costello, "Sleep of the Just"
5. Indigo Girls, "Strange Fire"
6. The Lemonheads, "Frank Mills"
7. Nine Inch Nails, "The Only Time"
8. The Prodigy, "Voodoo People"
9. R.E.M., "Near Wild Heaven"
10. Annie Lennox, "Little Bird"

Kanu said...

Come on Douglas, can't you see? People are just trying to destroy Ted because he's white...

1. "Fear and Love", Morcheeba
2. "Gangsta", Akon
3. "On A Plain", Nirvana Unplugged
4. "N Da Closet", Coolio
5. "Shadows In A Mirror", Chris Isaak
6. "Free", Goodie Mob
7. "Ghetto" (remix), Akon
8. "Emotional Slaughter", Black Uhuru
9. "Get Off Me", Ludacris
10. "Rivers Of Babylon", Sublime

Pretty eerie that #s 1,4,5,6,8,9, and 10 could be rationalized to relate to today's topic Mr. Ted The Straight Dude.

A happy weekend to all.

Anonymous said...

I'm a little late to the game, but here's my contribution:

1. Scissor Sisters, "She's My Man"
2. Abba, "Dancing Queen"
3. Kermit the Frog, "Rainbow Connection"
4. Depeche Mode, "Strangelove"
5. Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
6. Denis Leary, "Asshole"
7. John Mayer, "Man on the Side"
8. Dusty Springfield, "Son of a Preacher Man"
9. Soft Cell, "Tainted Love"
10. Eddie Vedder, "You've got to Hide Your Love Away"