Thursday, June 22

Skanks a heap.

Remember a while back when I said I'd fuck Paris Hilton? You may consider that statement officially retracted. She's officially sunk below even Britney Spears on my Doable Celebrity Skank list -- yup, that's right, she doesn't even get Fuck Her For The Story status anymore. Here's why (link via The Superficial):

Paris Hilton reportedly ordered her helicopter pilot to make an emergency landing on a German farm -- so she could use the toilet.

The "Pledge This" actress was said to be touring the European country when she made the surprise request.

Paris even got her security to stop the family from entering their own bathroom so she could relieve herself in peace.

A source told Britain's More magazine: "She gave the farmer a bit of a shock. Her bouncers even blocked the farm door so the family couldn't go inside their own house while she was using the loo."

The star then allegedly spent another ten minutes on the startled farmer's porch, so she could smoke a cigarette.

The unnamed farmer said: "She was cold as a fish, and cursed about the weather."

What can we extrapolate from this? Well . . .

1. Paris Hilton is apparently capable of whining enough to get a pilot to land a helicopter just so that she can use the loo, which she should've done before they frickin' left.

2. After imposing upon this stunned farmer, she won't even let the family go inside their own house while she goes.

2a. Which leads me to suspect she was taking a really hellacious number two in there, which goes against pretty much everything Paris Hilton wants you to think about her, and in a most humorous way. Remember this the next time Paris cops one of those "my shit doesn't stink" attitudes in public.

3. After taking this apparently hurricane-force dump that forced an entire family out of the house, Paris didn't even exercise enough shame to get the hell out of there ASAP, but instead imposed upon these poor people for another ten minutes so that she could smoke.

The verdict? Dipshit. (Congratulations, Republican Party, this is the kind of person for whom you're trying to repeal the estate tax.)

You know, my grandfather has a cattle farm right across Route 2 from Fort A.P. Hill, and he's got Blackhawks and CH-53s landing in his fields all the time. Detko will turn 92 years old this fall and still gets up at 5 in the morning to feed the cows, and I really wonder what would've happened had Paris Hilton landed her chopper in his alfalfa field, marched up to his front door, and ordered him out of his own house while she dropped anchor.

I don't know what he would've done exactly, but I do know he's got two shotguns, and I know where he keeps 'em. I'm just sayin'.


Anonymous said...

You had me until the republican party thing. 1st thing is you asked Paris whether she was a republican or democrat, my guess would be democrat. Second is that your grandpa's farm would probably not pass to your relatives without mortgaging it to pay the taxes. 2 Million dollars outside AP Hill isn't much considering thery can get $30 to 60k per acre to build houses. The single biggest reason family farms and small businesses don't pass to future generations is that the recipients have to mortgage or sell them to pay taxes.

Why do you think it is a good idea to tax assets that have already been taxed. Say I make $5M this year. I'll pay about $2m in taxes. I die and pass what's left to my daughter. Why does it make sense that she should pay $1.5M on what's left? Other than fuck rich, have you got another good reason.

Anonymous said...

The tax occurs on the movement of money, like any other tax. The farm would have to be worth more than 2.5 mil to not pass under the unified credit(not the 2 mil you claim.) Even on the off chance it is worth more then Doug's Grandfather could easily avoid the tax altogether by placing the farm in a family trust, and any average tax lawyer could prepare the documentation for next to nothing. Most family farms today are lost due to low wholesale food prices paid to the farmers and long term high interest rates on equipment purchased in years past, not estate taxes. While Miss Hilton's politics are not known, at least not by me, she did in March 2006 fail to make a promised donation to an AIDS charity, which earned her a future ban from Elton John's post Oscar parties... going back on your word financially seems to be the going republican trend these days. So go figure.

Anonymous said...

Steve, the GOP comment was inserted because the estate tax is the Paris Hilton tax, plain and simple, because it's the Paris Hilton's of the world who would benefit from its repeal. And I'm sorry, only someone that selfish and self-centered could be a Republican. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, and point two - the reason she should pay taxes is because it is NEW INCOME for her. Geez, the economics of it ain't that hard.

Josh M. said...


My only thought, besides the obvious emptiness of the political discussion here,... is that I'd still fuck the ass off Paris Hilton.

Unknown said...

i give you bonus points for finding a way to blame this entire thing on republicans.


Hilary would be so proud of you.

Anonymous said...

I can't stand this "it has already been taxed" arguement. Everything gets taxed in some way as money passes through the economic system. When we buy something, there is a sales tax. It is income to the manufacturer and the various intermediaries along the supply chain and they pay taxes. It becomes income to the salesperson who also pays taxes. And the cycle repeats itself over and over- it is known as the "economic engine". Why should the transfer of wealth from one rich person to another be exempt- less than 5% of intergenerational transfers are eligible for the tax. Why should the rich be exempt from this taxation. If we reduce the taxes on the rich, where does the make-up income come from?- the not-so-rich! Or it just adds to the huge Republican deficit machine (see Reagan/Bush1/Bush2).

I know the area of Doug's grandad's farm- Doug wishes it were worth $2.5 million and he could figure out the taxes if it were. He would be really lucky if it were worth $1 million.

Hilton is probabaly too dumb to know what Republicans and Democrats are.

Anonymous said...

If someone lands a chopper by my house and has to pinch a big nasty they better be nice. (celebrity or otherwise) But to force their way in, kick me out, and then have the gall to smoke a cig is unreal! Hotness, slutiness, or fame are not replacements for decency.

shelly said...

I'd tell her to kiss my arse if she showed up at my house. She can't kick me out of my own freakin' house!