Monday, June 13

I'll bet she shags like a minx . . . but how do I tell her I have no interior monologue?

Saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" with Ann and Benj on Saturday. And the challenge now is to explain how fucking awesome this movie was without the use of phrases such as "Angelina Jolie in a vinyl bustier."

Well, I'll try. It was action-packed, funny, had a pretty awesome car chase toward the end (and I'm a big dumb sucker for car chases, as long as they're executed well), and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were fun to watch together both when they were kicking each other's asses and when they were not. Look, I'm not going to sit here and try to convince you it was "Citizen Kane": On the Mindless Scale of Mindless Entertainment, 1 being "The Godfather" and 10 being "Bad Boys II," this was probably 6.5 to 7 (your mileage may vary). But look, it's summertime (or close enough for government work), and if you have to spend a couple hours in a movie theatre watching something that really won't make you any better as a person, I guarantee you'll walk out of said theatre hating yourself less after "Smith" than if you'd seen this or this.

And Angelina Jolie . . . look, there's not a lot I can say that hasn't already been said, but I don't want a lot of fucking comments or e-mails about what a sexist pig I am or how I need to use this blog for something more redeeming and productive than drooling over hot actresses, because trust me, sweethearts, it ain't just me. F'rinstance, when dearest Angelina whipped off her overcoat to reveal the aforementioned vinyl bustier, this was the semi-conversation that resulted:

ME: Oh my God. I think I'm gonna need a cigarette now.
ANN: I think I'm gonna need one too, and I'm not even gay.
BENJ: I think I'm gonna need one too, and I'm not even straight.

So you see what has been accomplished here? As a society we've conjured up these very arbitrary gender roles, and we've tried to construct this very rigid morality concerning whom we should fuck and whom we shouldn't, and yet it's all B.S., because no matter who we are -- male or female, gay or straight -- we'd all shag Angelina Jolie in a New York minute. She may not win another Oscar for "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," but for bringing the world together in such a unique fashion, Angelina deserves nothing less than a Nobel Prize.


Anonymous said...


Now I'll probably need a cig, and not only am I not a lesbian, I don't even smoke. How's that for ya? ;)

Anonymous said...

Yep. I'd do her.

Anonymous said...

I too saw the movie Sunday afternoon (great minds think alike?) and agree whole heartedly with your accessment of the film. It is a nice summer movie, brain candy if you will and one cannot approach this in the same critical light as say Hotel Rwanda, The English Patient or Shaft II.

That said I must insist you change the title of this post. That may well be my next ex-wife you are talking about.

Cassie Schoon said...

This past weekend, a friend of mine said that Angelina Jolie is the woman that makes all straight women (and some gay men) 90/10.


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