Monday, September 21

Monday Morning Cage Match XV:
Two shaolin warriors with mystical powers square off.

Barack Obama has been compared to a lot of unsavory folks these days, from Hitler to Stalin to The Joker. Yet somehow nobody's thought to compare him to Baraka, the ugly dude with the arm blades from the old "Mortal Kombat" video games. As far as I'm aware, Barack has never vanquished a political opponent by decapitating him and shish-kebabbing his severed head -- just wait, though, one of Glenn Beck's radio listeners will accuse him of having done it before the week's out -- but it still seemed like a Monday Morning Cage Match worth staging: Barack vs. Baraka.

Barack Obama

A race of nomadic mutants called Tarkatan
WINNER: Barack
Looks a little likeFlip WilsonNosferatu
WINNER: Barack
PartnerMichelle Obama
(Mileena wears hotter outfits, but Michelle has the advantage of not being a demon, no matter what Rush Limbaugh says)
Early successElected senator in IllinoisLed attack on Shaolin Temple of Light
WINNER: Baraka
Greatest victoryDefeated John McCain by earning 69.5 million votes in the 2008 election, becoming president of the United StatesDefeated Shao Kahn by impaling him with an arm blade and throwing him off a pyramid, becoming ruler of Outworld
WINNER: Baraka
Greatest weaponUnflappably cool demeanorThree-foot-long blades protruding from his arms
WINNER: Baraka
Signature moveSaying/doing something completely reasonable, then sitting back and waiting while the fruitcake Glenn Beck wing of the GOP embarrasses the party by going inexplicably batshit over itStabbing enemies in the torso, lifting them over his head, and watching them twitch in agony as they slide down his arm blades
WINNER: Baraka

FINAL SCORE: Baraka 5, Barack 3. Icy cool and once-in-a-generation political instincts are no match for blades that can slice through a fricking human torso.


Ollllddude said...

Flip Wilson? Really? Do all black people look alike to you?

chg said...

You're selling our President short by calling his political instincts once in a generation. It's been a generation and a half since Carter.

Trey said...

icy cool demeanor...unless he gets a real question or someone disagrees with him.

i love these. keep 'em coming. Go Dawgs!