Wednesday, September 2

Men are from Athens, women are from Knoxville: Better living through football/relationship ground rules.

Continuing the in-depth discussion of maintaining a relationship in the face of seemingly insurmountable football loyalties started here. Not tellin' anybody else how to live their lives, of course, but if you're having to manage a mixed marriage this season, you need to set some ground rules, and ours may at least provide you with a decent starting point.

Holly: . . . Which leads us to: Postgame. Consolation/victory canoodling parameters?

Doug: If one of our teams win and the other loses, the loser gets to dictate sexual terms, as a consolation of sorts.

Holly: If both win, proceed as normal. If both lose, immediate action of some sort is required, and backs are required to be put into it, to speed the healing process.

Doug: Good call.

Holly: OK, live games. We are scheduled to attend several important rivalry events this season (Georgia/Auburn, Tennessee/Bama). Outfits: Crossing over into orange/white/black/red is certainly not required, but neutral dress is. ex.: I will not wear orange to Athens, even though we're playing Ole Miss that weekend and I would otherwise represent.

Doug: Agreed. Fortunately most of these games will be taking place in the fall, when we'll be breaking out the greys and browns.

Holly: This is for everyone, really. You wouldn't be you in orange. It would actually make me uncomfortable.

Doug: Oh, that does remind me, though. I have a superstitious habit whereby each Friday I wear the colors of the team Georgia is scheduled to play the next day, to jinx them.

Holly: Ooooh. That I'll do. If I'm attending one of your games. And on our bye week.

Doug: Now, on weeks when Georgia has a bye (or a functional bye, like Tennessee Tech), I am willing to lend myself out as a jinxing clothes horse for your team. For a price, of course.

Holly: Name it.

Doug: It'll have to be a case-by-case basis, agreed upon beforehand.

Holly: Or name it at halftime. Sounds good. Can range from specific gameday cocktail to halftime attention.

Doug: I was thinking more along the lines of the latter, but sure.

Holly: Actually, the week you have a bye we're at Alabama, so I'll be very accommodating. VERY ACCOMMODATING.

Doug: Crimson and white it is. Just don't tell [REDACTED] I'm doing it.

Holly: Cross my heart. Now, as far as the games themselves. When I'm in Sanford, and Georgia and Auburn are down there, I will be perfectly happy to see Georgia win. Because your happiness is all tangled up with mine. When they score, I will cheer. When they win, I will celebrate. But no fight song singing, and no barking. You are free from any Rocky-Top related obligations.

Doug: I will never ask you to do either.

Holly: Or get cranky when I don't.

Doug: And I will cheer when UT scores at Alabama, but in a manner commensurate with my desire to be able to leave Bryant-Denny with all my limbs still attached.

Holly: Yeah, one of us should probably keep it together while we're in the Alabama student section. Trash talk while attending other's games is entirely left up to the visiting party. Back to attire: That neutral dress thing will apply at ASU-UGA and UT/UF, if we make it to either, but you're wearing Utah gear to Bama and I'm wearing Iowa State colors to Auburn. I forgot.

Doug: Right-o.

Holly: And the big one: October 10. I will be hundreds of miles away in Baton Rouge, which is for the best.

Doug: And I'll be here in Birmingham working the Magic Moments wing cook-off.

Holly: I think we kind of have to play this one by ear. I mean, last year when we lost you called me and sang that special version of Rocky Top --

Doug: Yeah, that was pretty awesome.

Holly: -- and I hated your ass face and we still ended up dating months later. But emotions will be delicate. So here's what I'm proposing: Any and all trashing of whatever nature is allowed, and is to be accepted with good humor. But upon our returns to the same city, the loser gets to call the shots in bed the first night. Just to smooth things over.

Doug: OK.

Holly: We also have the Halloween bet. If Tennessee wins, I get to dress Jenna the Wonder Terrier as a big orange pumpkin for Halloween.

Doug: If Georgia wins, you have to go as a Hooters girl.

Holly: But that shouldn't be too hard. There is no limit to the number or manner of side bets we can place on this game, but the rest of them are probably best left unprinted.

Doug: I would expect so. Oh, here's something I didn't think about, though. If, SOMEhow, SOMEway, one of our teams defeats the undefeatable Gator juggernaut --

Holly: Ooooh.

Doug: -- and goes to Atlanta as a result, should the other person be forced to cheer for that team in the SECCG?

Holly: I think that's a special case. I also think that's entirely reasonable, because fuck the SEC West. If we have conference loyalty, divisional loyalty is only logical. If it ends up being Georgia versus my spirit brothers at LSU, I may require some convincing, but yes, if either of our boys whacks Tebow, that's to be celebrated. And bowl games count under the non-con opponents rule.

Doug: Fair 'nuff.

Holly: I think that about covers it. As long as we maintain our overarching theme of NO SULKING, we might just make it. But we're only human. So if Georgia's having a bad quarter against OSU, I'm going to do everything in my considerable power to turn that frown upside down.

Doug: Much obliged.

Holly: Seriously, I'll be waking up five times a night shrieking about Big Red. It's the least I can do.


Seth said...

They say communication is the key to marriage. I see a bright future for you two.

Universal Remonster said...

Absolute gold you guys.

My ex-fiance is a Tennessee fan. This is the conversation we never had that we should have. Needless to say, it didn't work out for the best.

My girlfriend now is the cat's pajamas. I knew from right when I asked where she attended college: "Emerson." After explaining that her obvious allegiance to no team would indicate she is open to becoming a UGA fan, she surprised me a couple of days later when I walked into the bedroom and she was wearing nothing but a Georgia tank top and UGA underwear. Thank you God.

Universal Remonster said...

One more thing... you might want to make a toaster casualty rule.

Tracer Bullet said...

I can't decide if my life is better or worse for not marrying a Southern girl. On one hand, we don't have to go through this compicated kabuki dance beause her rooting interests, such as they are, mimic my own. On the other hand, Holly seems more than willing to do any number of things that will leave you too ashamed to look each other in the eye afterward. That's one hell of a trade-off.

Holly said...

We don't traffic much in "shame" around here, fortunately.

Jay said...

Just when I start to feel sorry for the guy, I remember he's a much more gifted and funny writer than I will ever be, AND he's banging the football blogosphere equivalent of Erin Andrews.

Fuck him!

Gen. Stoopnagle said...

I love this. I'm lucky. I in-bred where CFB loyalties are concerned.

I'm thrilled you two are an item and that I get to peek at it. One day I'll buy you both a round of French 75s.

S.A.W.B. said...

Congrats to you two, but be careful. I've now legitimately fathered two children with gameday shenanigans...

The General said...

Gawd, I wish my wife liked football, even if she had a rival team. No banter, just her eyerolling at my irrational Dawg madness all fall, and my eyerolling at her irrational Tarheel madness all winter. At least I don't mind wearing blue to the Dean Dome. It takes an act of congress just to get her into Sanford, even though we have season tix.

Y'all got a unique thing going here. Don't fuck it up.