Friday, February 29

The Friday Random Ten+5 learns to appreciate the whole person.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I'm -- how do I put this delicately? -- kind of a shallow son of a bitch. I believe this was actually brought to my attention by my sister, pulling no punches, as usual. See, I've been kind of a late bloomer all my life, which is not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but it does have its problems, one of which is that you both enter and leave the various stages of life later than everyone else. I, for instance, didn't really gin up the confidence to dive headfirst into the dating scene until I'd almost graduated from college -- and now, nearly a decade later, when most of the men in my peer group are settling down and even having kids, I'm still stuck in the shallow, superficial, chase-after-every-hot-piece-of-ass-you-can-find stage, as if I'm trying to somehow deny that I'm staring down the barrel of the big 3-0.

Well, that milestone arrives in June, so it's about f%$#in' time I started growing up or something. And part of that, as I've explained before, includes learning to appreciate women for their brains and not their boobs. (Well, not just their boobs. Come on, I gotta take it one step at a time here.) Now that I'm doing that and have re-evaluated my worldview a little, trading Maxim for Esquire and the Victoria's Secret catalogue for CNN (not that that means I want to see Wolf Blitzer in a thong, mind you), here's Five Women I Don't Have To Feel Guilty About Having A Crush On:

Cate Edwards
Graduated with honors from Princeton; currently in her second year at Harvard Law School. So progressive she supports gay marriage -- not that sissy "civil union" stuff, the real deal. Looked kind of like Jackie Onassis when she introduced her dad at the 2004 Democratic convention.

Tina Fey
Through her head-writer position at "Saturday Night Live" and her creation of "30 Rock," has established herself as the funniest woman on the planet (yes, even funnier than Peggy Noonan). Graduated with a theatre degree from the University of Virginia, which is, like, the closest thing to a public Ivy League school there is (gotta throw my dad a bone there). Has already earned Hey Jenny Slater's stamp of approval as one of the five hottest "taken" women out there.

Natalie Portman
Was a straight-A student in grade school and reportedly even skipped the premiere of "Star Wars: Episode I" so that she could study for her high-school finals (though it should be said she wasn't missing anything). Graduated from Harvard with a degree in psychology and got several research papers published in scholarly journals. Not only has she put in brilliant performances as everything from a reluctant revolutionary (in "V for Vendetta") to a stripper ("Closer"), but she's actually a pretty awesome gangsta rapper.

Melissa Theuriau
Got an undergraduate degree in communications and then got a master's degree in broadcast journalism. Had a chance to be the anchorwoman of the evening news broadcast on the TF1 network, but passed that up so that she could be the head writer and anchor on "Zone Interdite," an investigative "60 Minutes"-type show on another network, which is actually pretty ballsy when you think about it. Helped launch an international organization that works with UNICEF to educate young girls. And is, of course, the most beautiful woman on the planet.

Yulia Tymoshenko
Successful businesswoman; has a Ph.D. in economics; helped lead the "Orange Revolution" in the Ukraine that overturned a fraudulent runoff election for president in 2004 and continues to be an outspoken voice against the authoritarianism of Russian president Vladimir Putin. Plus she spent several weeks in Kiev's Lukyanivska Prison on trumped-up charges made by her political opponents, so you know she's a badass, people. Was re-elected just a couple months ago to a second term as Ukraine's prime minister.

Of course, looking at these five women and everything they've learned and achieved, it makes me feel completely and totally inadequate . . . but hey, that's just another part of growing up these days.

And now the Ten:

1. Massive Attack, "Be Thankful For What You Got"
2. Beck, "Today Has Been a Fucked Up Day"
3. U2, "Babyface"
4. Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
5. U2, "So Cruel"
6. Miles Davis, "Deception"
7. Ray Charles, "Georgia On My Mind"
8. Sheena E, "The Glamorous Life"
9. The Chemical Brothers, "Setting Sun"
10. Stevie Wonder, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours"

Happy Friday, everyone. Let me hear your own Random Tens (and/or biggest nerd-crushes) in the comments.


Dad said...

Doug, Doug, Doug ...

All men are pigs, there are no exceptions. I'm well past the 30 mark and have become comfortable with my porcine nature. You don't need to feel guilty about your celebrity crushes - rather you should wallow in them.

I only allow myself one celebrity crush at a time, though - call it an exercise in self-denial. Maybe even a spiritual thing.

My current celebrity crush is: Jewel Stait (Kaylee from Firefly).

My iPod sez:

1. "Sahara" by Nightwish
2. "Jungle Work" by Warren Zevon
3. "Are We Not Men?" by DEVO
4. "Sugar Magnolia" by Grateful Dead
5. "Oddfellows Local 151" by REM
6. "Powerslave" by Iron Maiden
7. "Copperhead Road" by Steve Earle
8. "Pussy" by Lords of Acid
9. "Tweeter and the Monkeyman" by Traveling Wilburys
10. "Ten Thousand Fists" by Disturbed

Universal Remonster said...

Natalie Portman was also the coxswain of the men's varsity lightweight four at Harvard. HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

beast in 'bama said...

Natalie Portman has finally turned into her character(s) from "The Professional" and "Beautiful Girls." Remember saying to yourself when you first saw those movies, "Man, when she gets older..."

Doug, you need to check out the resumes of Anna Donaldson or Alexa Jones of WIAT CBS 42. Not too bad - especially Anna's. They're not Melissa Theuriau, but they're local...and they're spectacular!

Josh M. said...

Ok, wait - I support gay marriage, ie "the real deal," not that sissy civil union stuff. But if you ever call me "progressive," I will cockpunch you so fast your balls will will be writing your asshole a thank you card for being so nice when they passed through it on the way to the sidewalk 25 feet behind you.

Wait, do your parents read this?