By now I'm sure all of you have heard the news -- Jenna Bush is engaged. Even though she and I have a bit of a history, I'm still happy for her. You see, my sexual magnetism is all but inescapable, and I've dated any number of fantastically beautiful women -- I've gone skinny-dipping in Central Park with Ivanka Trump, joined the Mile High Club with Eva Mendes on a Northwest flight from Detroit to Seattle, and woken up at the bottom of a pile of San Diego Chargers cheerleaders in the Salone Suite at the Bellagio -- but I have one hard and fast rule: I never get involved with women who are married or engaged. If all she's got is a boyfriend, then it's game on as far as I'm concerned, but if they've taken the next step in that relationship, then it is simply not my place to interfere.
Some women go so far as to get married specifically in an attempt to escape from the inexorable pull of my manly charisma -- I have it on good authority that Elisha Cuthbert got engaged three years ago because it was the only way she could force herself to keep her hands off me, though tellingly, that barely lasted a year. I'm not saying that's what Jenna Bush did, but stranger things have happened. Anyway, in Jenna's honor, this week's +5 is Five Ridiculously Hot Chicks Who, Unfortunately, Are Off The Market. Well played, you clever minxes -- you've managed to put yourselves beyond the reach of my overpowering masculinity. But in the words of Zapp Brannigan from "Futurama," as a gentleman, I must warn you, if your significant others so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on you like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.
Got her first major role as the insatiably horny barfly who ends up luring Steve Carell back to her place in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"; followed that up by playing a rather more normal character in a recurring guest spot on "Scrubs." Married since 2003; graduated magna cum laude from Penn and apparently loves fantasy football, and if that doesn't make her every guy's dream girl right there, then I don't know what does.
Also a "Scrubs" regular, and is apparently as fluent in German in real life as she is on the show. Which is way hotter than it should be, for some reason. (I mean, what guy doesn't fantasize on the regular about a woman barking orders at him in German? Maybe while administering a mild spanking? Just me? OK, we'll move on.) Anyway, according to Wikipedia she's engaged to somebody named Jamie Afifi, who might be the one person in North America with a name that's more embarrassing to say aloud than Doug Gillett.
Authentically funny and authentically hot, and I'm certainly not the only one who thinks so -- she was #80 on Maxim's Hot 100 list in 2002, a more innocent time before Maxim lost its mind and started lusting after coke whores. Yet she even had the wherewithal to make fun of it at the time ("once again, placed between Bonnie Hunt and Joy Behar"). Sadly, married since 2001.
In "Transformers," the aptly surnamed actress managed to distract viewers' attention away from gigantic photorealistic 40-foot-tall transforming robots -- no easy thing to do, as anyone who's seen the movie knows -- yet being engaged to former "Beverly Hills 90210" star and wannabe rapper Brian Austin Green is enough to make one seriously question her judgment. I guess it could be worse; it could be Michael Bolton. (Who, while we're on the subject, is currently engaged to Nicollette Sheridan. And he's already bagged Ashley Judd. Seriously, the guy must have a gold-plated dilsnick that grants wishes -- that's the only explanation I can come up with. But I digress.)
Starred in "Knocked Up," the best movie of 2007 so far, and somehow made pregnancy kind of hot in the process; is pretty much the only reason I've ever voluntarily watched "Grey's Anatomy." Getting married in December.
Oh, well. And now le Ten:
1. R.E.M., "Parakeet"
2. Peter, Paul & Mary, "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?"
3. Seal, "Prayer for the Dying"
4. Q-Tip, "All In"
5. Eric B. and Rakim, "My Melody"
6. Pet Shop Boys, "Before" (Hed Boys mix)
7. Orbital, "Frenetic"
8. Dave Attell, "Gambling"
9. Del tha Funkee Homosapien, "Pissin' On Ya Steps"
10. David Cross, "Pandering to the Locals!"
Now it's time for your own Random Tens and/or celebrity missed opportunities, be they male or female, in the comments.