Ask your doctor about Wednesday Mystery Meat.

(May cause fatigue, shortness of breath, headache, nausea, vomiting, loss of bladder control, grand mal seizures, sucking chest wound, sudden hair loss, sudden hair growth, leprosy, or complete renal failure. If you're pregnant or think you may become pregnant, do not handle Wednesday Mystery Meat.)



· Actual text of text message I received from my sister at 7:30 p.m. yesterday as I was racing to do damage control on the royally-f%$@ed-up-at-the-last-minute live draft of my fantasy football league:

Happy Ogle Hayden Panettiere Legally Day.

Let the record show that I actually had to be reminded about this, which should get me out of purgatory a couple years early, at least. Let the record also show that I never asked her for naked pictures in exchange for getting her out of a parking ticket. I have, however, offered naked pictures of myself to other people in exchange for them getting me out of parking tickets. And you know what? It works. Every fricking time.

· At any rate, if push comes to shove then all of us dirty old "Heroes" fans will be able to distract ourselves with Kristen Bell -- make that 27-year-old Kristen Bell, k thx -- joining the cast this coming season as "Elle, a character described as a sexy, mysterious young lady who has ties to the supposed death of Peter, H.R.G.’s past and the future of Claire." All righty then.


I think her super-power on "Heroes" should be the ability to date me for more than two weeks. It sounds lame, but so far nobody else has been able to do it.

· Oyez oyez oyez: The inaugural '07 Blogpoll is up over at MGoBlog; read it and weep if you're a fan of Alabama, TCU, Notre Dame, or any of the other teams left without a spot in the top 25 when the music stopped. You may review my preseason ballot here, pre-discredited for your convenience. Let's see if I can break my personal best of four straight weeks in the top five of the Straight Bangin' Award for fans who are most pessimistic about their teams' chances.

· Shifting to the world of football that people actually get paid to play -- with the exception of Tennessee, whom I've already covered -- D.J. Shockley will miss the Falcons' entire 2007 season (h/t Josh), thus pretty much removing the last reason anyone in Atlanta had to care about the Falcons this year.

· More celebrity news: Lindsay Lohan wants to go ahead and release a third album. I don't know much about the music industry, but my off-the-cuff estimate is that this album would sell exactly 68 copies, all of them to people who found Britney Spears's In the Zone "too challenging."

· Still more celebrity news: Six words -- Paris Hilton might be a dude.



Either way, I say we hook him/her up with Ann Coulter.

· Almost forgot: If you want to join the Big Ass Pick'Em Group, the official online college-football pick'em group of Hey Jenny Slater (it's the only one with my picture! OK, it doesn't actually have my picture), then what are you waiting for? Go here and enter group ID number 13844 and password "reggieball" (all lower-case, no spaces). We'll pick the top 25 games against the spread each week, and the person with the most correct picks at the end of the regular season gets . . . well, they get to lord it over everyone else. No, I take that back: The winner gets one of these. Don't have a dog? Chew on it yourself! It's fun for the whole family!


Especially good if you're trying to quit smoking.