Friday, February 15

The Friday Random Ten+5 is finna get paid, son.

Six and a half years ago, the Bush administration sent everyone a check for $300 to try and inject some juice into a flagging economy. I thought that was a dumb idea at the time, and in fact I mailed my check back to then-Senator Zell Miller, asking him to forward it along to whatever government agency is in charge of paying down the national debt. In what I now realize I should've recognized as a sign that Zell was heading down the path to incoherent-old-bastardhood, he ignored by instructions and sent the check right back to me, saying it wasn't his money and therefore couldn't do anything with it. (In the end, all three hundred dollars ended up in the hands of the American Red Cross when 9/11 happened just a few days later.)

Now the government has decided to throw another "economic stimulus" our way, only I stand to get $600 this time -- and while there's a part of me that thinks that only makes it twice as stupid an idea as the first one, there's another part of me that's apparently grown rather cynical and mercenary since the fall of '01, because I've been coming up with all kinds of ways of blowing this money that I didn't think of the first time around. Between this and the rather sizable refund I got on my taxes -- yes, I've already filed my 1040 and received my refund, merci beaucoup, TurboTax! -- your homeboy is gonna be makin' it rain out there at the club for the next few months. And by "making it rain" I mean investing wisely in our nation's economy, of course. Here are Five Things I'm Planning On Blowing My Government Stash On In 2008:

Car stereo ($120)
Last month I related to you the strange tale of the cold-induced disintegration of my factory car stereo; well, the ugly, gaping hole in my dashboard has been filled with a Pioneer DEH-3900MP head unit that I found on clearance at Best Buy last weekend. Got the stereo and all the wiring harnesses for only a hundred and twenty bucks, and even got some bonding time with Pops as we soldered wires together and crammed the thing into my dashboard ourselves. Now if I could just fill this ugly, gaping hole in my soul! Oh well.

New pair of shoes ($85)
A few weeks ago I wore my standard semi-dressy brown shoes to work and walked home in a mild rainstorm; I felt my right foot getting soggy as I chugged up the hill on 20th Street, and when I got home, sure enough, there was a nice split in the sole (above) that had been letting my shoe fill up with water. Not being a fan of soaking-wet socks, I think it's time to invest in some new shoes. Though I'll have to bring either a straight woman or a gay man with me when I do, because that's not the kind of style decision I trust myself to make on my own.

Plane ticket to Phoenix ($385)
Since I won't be going to the Democratic National Convention in Denver this summer -- ahh, Denver, the Sunshine State -- I can instead sink that cash into a trip to a different destination out West: Tempe, Arizona, where the Bulldogs will be playing Arizona State on September 20. And where they'll hopefully be kicking Rudy Carpenter's bitch ass all over the field. Just because Rudy seems to be auditioning for the role of the White Reggie Ball, though, doesn't mean I don't have all kinds of love for ASU and its fine student body, one of which is pictured above.

"Michael Clayton" DVD ($20)
Left this off my Five Favorite Movies of 2007 list last month because I hadn't seen it yet, but if I had to rewrite that list I'd probably put it in there at #3. Everything Josh said about the movie last fall is true -- George Clooney is incredible in this movie, and the final sequence is mind-blowingly good. Comes out on DVD this coming Tuesday.

And finally . . .

Another Boston terrier ($250)
Yup, Jenna will soon be joined by a little brother. I don't know exactly who it will be yet, but we're going to the Altadena Valley Animal Hospital tomorrow morning to meet some of the dogs that Birmingham Boston Terrier Rescue has available for adoption (a group that includes Pup-Pup, pictured above). Rest assured that the minute we come home with one, the photos will be posted here.

. . . And I'll still have some extra to put toward my goal of having a 42" plasma-screen in my living room by the time football season kicks off. What's that? Rent? Bills? Quit harshing my buzz, picklewipe.

Anyway, the Ten:

1. Bruce Springsteen, "Born in the U.S.A."
2. Pet Shop Boys, "Violence" (Haçienda version)
3. Fatboy Slim, "Star 69"
4. New Order, "1963"
5. Paul Oakenfold, "Mortal"
6. Pet Shop Boys, "Silver Age"
7. R.E.M., "Pop Song 89"
8. The Association, "Never My Love"
9. Madonna, "Material Girl"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "Before" (Danny Tenaglia Twilo dub)

Now it's time for your own Tens -- and your plans for using your gubmint check, if you're getting one, to prop up our sputtering economy -- in the comments.


Anonymous said...

You are right that the stimulus is a dumb idea. That it has happened twice in Dubya's Reign of Terror is proof that he has no actual economic plan and would rather give us an aspirin to make us feel better rather than solve the problem. Still, in the vast realm of Stupid Government Ideas this is nowhere near the top, and they would never use it to pay down the debt anyway. It would probably get channeled into Halliburton or paying some feeble-minded FEMA person to come up with the next great use for hazardous trailers. So, I salute you, Doug, you are a great American and Patriot doing your part to boost the economy.

I don't know how it happened, but I got the wife sold on the big screen TV. We'll get $1200.00, and I am sure we'll the biggest TV that money will buy. The factory workers in China are going to be sooo grateful.

Reed said...

With the $300 version, I felt it was so transparently a bribe for approval ratings. This time, I think it's just 'cause they are too dumb to think of any better ideas. Anyone know what kind of interest we are getting on this loan? But being gainfully unemployed and coming off of ACL surgery, I will gladly use this to contribute to medical bills.

Last time around, my dad proudly said, "I gave my 300 bucks to the DNC."

1.Tapes 'n Tapes, "Insistor"
2.Grayarea,"Everything Is Wrong"
3.Sigur Ros,"Saeglopur"
4.The National,"Racing Like a Pro"
5.DJ Food,"The Crow"
6.Sven Van Hees,"Tabla Rasa"
7.Jens Lekman,"A Postcard to Nina"
8.Joni Mitchell,"California"
9.Quicksand,"Dine Alone"
10.Wolfmother,"White Unicorn"

DAve said...

Here's a suggestion to anyone who may be opposed to Washington's economic stimulus plan: When you cash your check, don't buy anything, or pay off any debts, or stick it it away in a savings account with constantly-decreasing interest rates. Instead, cash the check, find your nearest paper shredder, and destroy it all (Caveat: this is illegal. Don't get caught.).

Assuming the agreement/opposition ratio among the citizenry to the economic stimulus plan to be 65/35, this would mean that approximately $58.5 billion dollars would be purged from the money supply, curtailing inflation and increasing the value of every dollar still available.

Just don't let any Keynesians talk you out of it.

Y'all can thank me when prices fall.

Anonymous said...

Genius, Dave, and here I was about to do something silly like put it towards summer camp for my children.

Anonymous said...

I am pretty sure Dave is just checking to see who is dumb enough to believe him. And, btw, Doug, you can get your shoes resoled for probably less than half the cost of new shoes. This will give you more money for your TV, save a little bit of cowhide, and you will have shoes that are already broken in which will benefit your feet as you walk to work and back.

Erik Tylczak said...

If I want to get a loan and borrow against my future, I can goddamned well do that by myself. I don't need the government to do it for me.

Wait, I thought we had a Republican administration? Is this hardcore leftist pissed at them for sticking government's nose where it doesn't belong?

Am I in bizarro-world?

Anonymous said...

Didn't the OleTimer make Born in the USA the crucial American song? Oh wait, that was the one about Bittburg. Everybody laughed at his stupidity. Americans didn't even understand why he was stupid, and they think Saddam blew up the WTC.

Anonymous said...

Tell you what, dumbass. When the Supreme Court stole a presidential election, you sure as shit entered Bizarro World. If there's an American stupid enough to believe in 'signing statements', I'm Daddy Warbucks. I don't like being robbed blind, but it makes it a tad easier knowing the idiotic rank and file is getting screwed at the same time. When any single line item for halliburton shows up, maybe I'll moderate my views. It's off the books, it's spectacular millions, and it hits Cheney's bankbooks. These are absolute crooks.

If your point is that tdhe buyer should beware, what about when the seller is the Pretzeldent? Asshole has free reign to just llie his ass off. He can also let Enron, Nationwide and any other number of cronies just rob Americans blind. It's fine to say people should be smart enough. How 'bout we use President Dickhead as the tipping point?

DAve said...

What is it that makes my idea so irrational?

Anonymous said...

I have a use for my stimulus check that will tug at those liberal heart strings. My 6-yr old Dog Allie tore an ACL and needs surgery to correct it. The surgery costs $1400. I'll be getting $1200. Thank you President Bush for saving my dog, and helping me avoid having to explain to my 2 yr old daughter Allie isn't around anymore because Mommy and Daddy didn't have $1400 to fix her.

Anonymous said...

Just goes to prove to all the tax crazy libs that when things get really bad they know that the money is more productive in the hands of the people that actually earned it.

Astronaut Mike Dexter said...

The government is just throwing $600 in my lap. How did I "earn" that?

Anonymous said...

"How did I earn that?"

Doug, where do you think the $600 originally came from? You earned it when you first worked for it and it was paid to you.

It was your money to begin with. It's strange you don't think you have (or should have) any claim to it.

Anonymous said...

Hey Doug, where does the government get money? What a genius!