Monday, February 11

My concession.



Ladies and gentlemen, friends, distinguished colleagues, homeless people who just kind of wandered up here wondering what was going on: Well, we took the long way home, but we finally got here. (Applause.)

First of all I want to thank each of you for your support in my quest to become an Obama delegate from Alabama's sixth Congressional district, the Fightin' Sixth, and represent our great state at the Democratic National Convention. (Applause, barking-dog noises.) Now, I come here today with a humble heart, because as many of you may have already heard, I was not elected as a delegate from the sixth district. (Booing.) Nor was I chosen as an at-large delegate. (Loud booing.) In fact, of all the men running to be an Obama delegate in my district, I garnered the fewest number of votes. (Lusty booing, a few F-bombs.)

Most people would consider that a complete failure, but I don't, for two reasons. One, if you take that away from me, I don't have much left. And two, however many votes I got or didn't get, this campaign still gave me the opportunity to travel all across the Fightin' Sixth -- mainly the parts within a one-mile radius of my apartment -- and talk to you, the voters, face-to-face. (Applause.) I met rich people and blue-collar workers. I met families, single fathers, single mothers, working mothers, and MILFs. I met Alabama fans (applause, shouts of "Roll Tide") and Auburn fans (applause, shouts of "War Eagle"). OK, seriously, y'all, shut up. I met black people, white people, white guys who like black chicks, and people who are whatever combination of races Tiger Woods is. And I listened to every one of you -- OK, some more than others, but I listened. (Applause, one unidentified girl yells out "I love you.")

I listened to the fellow I met in Five Points the other day who had just come from the VA hospital and told me that he'd spent so much money on his prescriptions that he couldn't even afford a bus ticket home. And that told me, folks, we've got to do a better job of helping the uninsured in this country find better health care. (Applause.) Then he asked me for some money to buy a bus ticket, and I said I didn't have any. And then he was like, "But I just saw you come from that ATM over there," and I was like, "Dude, I got twenty bucks out of it, and I'm not giving you a twenty." (Applause, somewhat softer and less intense than the first applause.)

I listened to a single mom in Homewood who was working two jobs just to get by. In addition to paying for school and health care for a young daughter without the help of decent employment benefits, she was also trying to pay off student loans and deal with three-dollar-a-gallon-gas. And as I slipped a couple singles into her G-string, I thought about how much we need to both continue reducing the tax burden on the middle class and reduce our nation's dependence on foreign oil. (Applause, hotel keys thrown up on stage.)

See, there's a lot of fear out there. A lot of unsureness about the future. And of all the places I went and all the people I talked to about my candidacy, one question more than any other was on people's minds: "What exactly are you running for, again?" And when I told them I was running to be an Obama delegate, they had another question: "So is that like someone who casts a vote in the Electoral College?" And I told them, no, that's an elector, a delegate simply casts a vote for a candidate at a party's nominating convention. And some people were confused by that, and that's even before we get into stuff like proportional representation and superdelegates and crap like that. So there's a lot of confusion out there, too, and I stand before you today, folks, to tell you that I'm not done fighting. I'm not done trying to figure all this stuff out. (Applause.) The Fightin' Sixth hasn't heard the last of Doug Gillett. I fully intend to run for delegate at some point in the indeterminate future, and when I do, I promise you here today that I'll be able to do a better job of explaining exactly what the hell it is I'm running for. (Applause, a pair of panties thrown up on the podium.) I'm going to do research, and I'm going to figure out what I would actually be doing if I were to be sent to the Democratic Convention. (Applause, guns fired in the air.)

And with that knowledge and your support behind me, I'm going to hit the campaign trail again. And I'm not just going to bars within walking distance of my house. I'm going to go to Rojo, and Cafe Italia, and Fox & Hound, and the Hooters on 280, and Innisfree, and the hotel bar at the Wynfrey, all the way to Montgomery! YEEEAARRRGGGHHHHHH!

(Stunned, almost robotic applause; candidate stumbles awkwardly off stage.)

11 comments:

shutupkb said...

You have no idea how impressed my friends were with this. Just that you had the motivation to do this (and also that you get sidetracked easily with election returns). Adam hates EVERYONE but not only did he like you - this gave you minor rockstar status with him because they, you know, hang out with Al Gore for fun.

Universal REMONSTER said...

Sweet Jesus, that is awesome.

tantra flower said...

Ah man. I would have voted for you if I could have. Look on the bright side... Today's blog wouldn't have been nearly as funny or endearing. Not that you care about "endearing" but anyway...Peace.

Pete said...

(applause)

B said...

You might try announcing your candidacy next time. I alone could have brought you 10, maybe 20, votes if only I had known before all my friends went to the polls.

Unidentified Woman said...

But you said you'd call me again if I voted for you!

DAve said...

I'm going to do research, and I'm going to figure out what I would actually be doing if I were to be sent to the Democratic Convention.

I'm pretty sure it's basically a lot of drinking.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Doug, that's too bad. You know they say that some people have a "face for radio"? Maybe you have a personality for the printed word. Next time, just hand leaflets and avoid too much face-to-face discussion. ;-)

Double K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Double K said...

i'm pretty sure you had a better blog than that John CRENSHAW guy who smoked you by 4,000 votes... next time try a smear campaign against your fellow wannabe delegates...

Anonymous said...

The good people of Alabama must be smarter than I gave them credit.