Wednesday, January 25

Things I wish I'd written, Vol. XXVIII, No. 237.

Drink in the rich Haterade goodness of The 50 Most Loathsome People of 2005, as presented by Buffalo alternative rag The Beast. An annual omnibus skewering whose sheer choleric awesomeness must be seen to be believed.

A sampling:

On #24, Jim Guckert: "The most hilariously twisted figure of 2005, including Michael Jackson. Guckert, better known as Jeff Gannon, truly lived a life in need of two names: the upright, macho, McCarthyite Clark Kent and the buff, military-fetish prostitute Superfag. Gannon symbolized so many things: the exponential erosion of journalistic standards, the fundamental hypocrisy in the heart of each Republican (further evidenced by their charges of 'gay-bashing' when liberals could not conceal their amusement at his outing), unseemly conflicts of interest between the press and the GOP, etc. But what was lost in the sauce was that Gannon was a straight-up plagiarist, actually copying and pasting sections of White House press releases into his articles, and we don?t mean quotations. Now that?s a lazy propagandist. Nobody seemed to find that part of the story particularly interesting, but hey, what?s violating the first rule of journalism next to"

On #42, Nancy Grace: "Revenges herself nightly for the murder of her fiancée on every criminal suspect and defendant; facts be damned. Despite her viscous, Gump-like hyper-drawl, her brain can barely keep pace. Looks like a camel in drag. Her crude vindictiveness is to the myth of the southern belle what Roots was to the myth of the genteel South."

On #12, Barbara Bush: "Her polluted womb nurtured the seed of American decadence. The root of America?s decay; the poison tree from whence the fruit loop George W. Bush sprang. This unfeeling, unthinking patrician hag spawned America?s most notorious welfare child, whose every glaring deficiency has been excused or underwritten by undeserved wealth. Chuckling, she remarked of poor people displaced by Hurricane Katrina, 'And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.' Of their plans for permanent relocation, she speculated: 'What I?m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas.' A true aristocrat, she sees poor people as another species."

Who's number one? I'll give you a hint, it isn't Dubya, but it is someone equally worthless. After you read, feel free to make your own nominations in the comments.


X said...

Anna Benson, wife of MLB's Kris Benson, should make the list for any and all of her ridiculous comments and antics. I don't know how he puts up with it.

Josh M. said...

I know two reasons.