By Osama bin Laden
Editor's note: I'm no more thrilled about having a known terrorist mastermind contributing to this Web site than any of you are to be reading it, but I hunted high and low for a celebrity who'd be willing to do the Tennessee preview and none of them wanted anything to do with it, not even Dolly Parton. But my great-aunt used to work for the State Department in the Middle East, and she knows a guy who knows a guy, and through them I found out that Osama is a huge Tennessee fan. Like, huge. In fact, 9/11? Was planned specifically to postpone the Tennessee-Florida game until December so that the Vols could get their shit together. So anyway, he agreed to do the preview, and here it is. Please don't shoot me.
All praise and thanks be to Allah, the Merciful and Just One, Who is my Guide and my Protector as I enter this den of lies and blasphemy, and without Whose grace I would be unfit to witness even a 12:30 game on Lincoln Financial.
For many years the Georgia Bulldogs have exercised unearned claims of superiority over the Southeastern Conference, waging war against their neighbors and oppressing those who blocked their path to the Georgia Dome. For many years were the Tennessee Volunteers victimized by their crusade, beginning in 2000 when a weakened Volunteer team, may the Peace of Allah be upon them, was conquered, and continuing in 2001, when the barking infidels invaded our most holy of holy places and ambushed the #7 team in the nation.
Over the ensuing years, these unbelievers continued to oppress our people and to insult and denigrate our leader, Philip who is called Phil, may peace be upon him. Over these years the Bulldog Nation grew arrogant, but while they mocked the girth of our coach, we recruited new ranks of believers. While they gorged themselves on drink and the flesh of unclean animals, Phil's second-in-command, David who is called Coach Cut, gave our young recruits discipline and educated them in the art of offensive jihad. While Georgia adorned their loose women in red, the color of whoredom, and paraded them through the streets of Orlando and New Orleans, we composed our plans to strike at the heart of the infidel and end their subjugation of our people.
This we did in 2006, when by the eternal Beneficence of Allah the Most Generous, our warriors shook off the yoke of Bulldog oppression and scored more than 50 points in Sanford Stadium, only the second time in history that this has come to pass. We woke the sleeping devil, who vowed to exact revenge. These crusaders, these purveyors of lies and sin in the Face of Allah the Most Holy, once again defiled our homeland with their presence and declared their intention to wipe us from the face of the earth.
And here is how their arrogance and blasphemy were rewarded:
See, O sons and daughters of Allah! See for yourselves the humiliation visited upon the fat, lazy Georgia unbelievers! Hear the cries that spring forth from those throats so tainted by alcohol and unclean animal flesh! Witness the impotent rage of the Great Deceiver Richt, who can only watch as his devils scramble about the playing field like street urchins chasing poultry through the dusty streets of Kabul. On that day were the desecrations visited upon us by the contemptible thief David Greene, by whom Peyton Manning's record for wins by a I-A quarterback now sits defiled, and D.J. Shockley, the purveyor of lies, repaid a thousand fold. I say to you today, this shall be the punishment for any who attempt to conquer and subjugate Allah's chosen people. It would be better for the infidels to cut off their legs, and the legs of their children, than for the soles of their feet to soil even one square of the sacred checkerboard end zone that Allah the Most Gracious has given us.
Now we are poised to deliver yet another crippling blow to the heart of the Bulldog Nation, and now the red and black infidels again declare their lust for revenge, but Insh'Alllah they shall not have it. For again we stealthily infiltrate their territory, generally selected to finish third in the SEC East yet bearing fourteen returning starters from a team that went 10-4 last season and won the Eastern Division title, thanks be to Allah the Most Mighty for His Providence. Once again will the crusaders feel the swift wrath of our WR corps, which returns its top four receivers, those same warriors who so beguiled and outfoxed the foolish Bulldogs last year. Our quarterback is Jonathan Crompton, whom the filthy kufar underestimate just as they did Erik, nephew of Danny, and Casey who is called Iceman before him; but do not tremble, you who trust in Phil and wear the most favored burtokal, for was not Crompton hailed as the third best high-school quarterback in the country by Phil Steele, the kitaabi upon whom Allah's Peace and Favor rest?
Our weakened defense is not rich in experience, but their hearts beat with the courage of the warriors of Zahir al-Din, who protected Damascus from the bloodthirsty crusading interlopers. I say to you today, unbelievers, let not a deep pass fly from your hand, nor an out-route spring from your offensive coordinator's lips, lest Eric Berry pluck the ball from the sky like a raven plucking an olive from an unguarded tree.
Let the filthy red and black crusaders shout their curses. Let them grow lazy and satisfied as the lackeys in the media fill their ears with sycophantic praises. None of this shall be of comfort when we march into their citadel and crush their conference-title dreams for a third year in a row. It is not for pride, nor for a three-game winning streak, that we do this; not one enemy is slain, nor one drop of blood shed, but for the Glory of Allah the Most Deserving and His Nation of true Volunteer believers. Thus we shall not rest until the most revered burtokal flies again over the Georgia Dome, and tongues from Columbia to Fayetteville and from Lexington to Gainesville all proclaim the most sacred creed: La istaza ill'a-fulmer, wa'ashadu 'anna cromptonan ghrabu-fulmer.
There is no coach but Fulmer, and Crompton is his quarterback.
Oh, and fuck Tim Tebow, too.
-- When not directing the operations of al-Qaeda, ranked #1 on Terror and Insurrection Trend magazine's annual "25 Hottest Terrorist Organizations" list for nine years running, Osama bin Laden is a devoted follower of American football. The Riyadh native first started following the Dallas Cowboys as a mujahideen guerrilla in Afghanistan, but jumped on the Tennessee bandwagon in the mid-'90s; he is a regular contributor to Iraqi Top, a Tennessee sports blog written from a Middle Eastern perspective.
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