Georgia Tech preview: Georgia's gonna beat Tech for the eighth year in a row. How's everything with you?

By Barbara Gillett
Guest Columnist

Hi, everybody! Apparently Doug couldn't find anyone else to do the Georgia Tech preview, so I guess I'm gonna do it. I don't know why I got stuck with the dorky team, but -- oh, wait, I'm probably not supposed to say that, am I? I'm supposed to be kind of objective, right? (It's not required -- ed.) Oh, well then Georgia Tech sucks. Ha ha haaa!

No, no, I'm just kidding. Georgia Tech doesn't suck at everything. One of Clark's nephews went there, Doug's cousin, and he's a very nice young man with a beautiful family. Unfortunately we didn't get to see them when we were up visiting Clark's parents, but they did e-mail us some pictures of the girls not too long ago, and they are adorable! And Joanne looks great, and -- did they meet at Georgia Tech? Duff and Joanne? Or did she go to -- wait, wait, I'm supposed to be talking about football, sorry, sorry.

OK. Tech kind of sucked last year, right? I mean, the only two games I saw them play were Georgia and Virginia, and they lost both of those, so they couldn't be that good. And didn't they fire their coach at the end of the season? Yeah, because I thought I saw a picture of their new coach in the Atlanta paper not too long ago. Paul something. He had a big round head, almost like a Campbell's Soup kid. Didn't one of their other coaches have a big head? That Irish guy who's such a douchebag? Where's he at these days?

OK, anyway, supposedly Tech is going to change their offense to the triple option, so they're going to need a pretty mobile quarterback. Do they still have Reggie Ball? No? Well, that's a shame, he was terrible. The kid who played against Georgia last year didn't complete many of his passes, so I just assumed that was Reggie Ball. Anyway, the triple option means they're going to be running the ball a whole lot, which is just as well, since they haven't had a quarterback who could hit the broad side of a barn in years. Does anybody still run the triple option, though? I kind of thought it was just Navy and -- does Nebraska still run that offense? Clark? Clark, didn't Nebraska switch to the West -- oh, he's already asleep in his chair. Never mind.

But anyway, completely changing your offense like that is usually pretty hard, so they still may not have it figured out by the time they play Georgia. And even if they do, Georgia's defense is going to be awesome, they have like nine guys back from last year. Did you see what they did to the quarterback from Hawaii in the Sugar Bowl? I almost felt sorry for that kid. I hope for Tech's sake they've got a better offensive line than Hawaii did, or their quarterback might end up in the hospital.

And Georgia's offense is gonna be really good, too. They've got Stafford back, they've got Knowshon Moreno back, and -- who was that other running back they had? The one who always did the Soulja Boy with Moreno? Oh, I know this is kind of off the subject, but I have to tell you a story -- [REDACTED], who's in my tennis league, both her kids went to Auburn and she's a huge Auburn fan, and when we played at Cooper Creek that Sunday after the Georgia-Auburn game, it was just bitch, bitch, bitch about "All those Georgia players dancing around on the sidelines like a bunch of thugs, I thought they had no class" and blah blah blah. I felt like telling her, lady, if they beat you by that much, they can dance any damn place they please! But of course I didn't say that. You know what I should've done, though, I should've worn my Georgia Tennis shirt that you got me, just to rub her face in it. Well, you got me that "Blackout" shirt for Christmas this past year, I'll be sure to wear that if Georgia beats Auburn again.

But we're not talking about Auburn, we're talking about Georgia Tech. OK. How many starters do they bring back on defense? Four? Ugh, that's no good. Well, if Georgia could score thirty-one on them last year, then this year they'll probably break 40. And Knowshon will run for a hundred and fifty yards. Maybe two hundred.

OK, the last thing I have to mention about Georgia is Mark Richt. I know Clark is going to roll his eyes when he reads this, but I don't care, Mark Richt is cute. And he and his wife have an adorable family. Did you know they adopted two kids from the Ukraine or something? And he takes his players on mission trips to South America? I think that's fantastic. I mean, you wouldn't see Steve Spurrier doing something like that. Is he still coaching at South Carolina? Did you already find someone to do that preview? Well, South Carolina sucks too. Ha ha! You don't have to put that if you don't want to. Y'all better kick their asses this year, though.

Now, Georgia and Georgia Tech always play the Saturday after Thanksgiving, right? Are you going to the game? Are Mark and Kristen going? Kristen's moving to Denver? That's great! Tell her I said hi the next time you talk to her. See, if the two of you had gotten together, she could be getting you press passes to the Democratic National Convention right about now. (OK, seriously, mom -- ed.) OK, I'm sorry. But anyway, if you're not actually going to the game, you're welcome to come on down to Columbus and watch it -- the house'll be empty 'cause your dad and I will be in Blacksburg for the Virginia-Virginia Tech game, but you and Ann can come on down, bring your laundry, bring the dogs, there'll be beer in the fridge . . . you know the code for the back door, right? It's -- well, I guess I shouldn't be giving that out on a blog. I'll just e-mail it to you later or something. But either way, you're welcome to come on down, make yourselves at home.

Well, that's about everything I've got, I know you're busy so I won't keep you -- give the pups a kiss for me, and I'll talk to you later on this week, OK? Love you! Go Dawgs!

-- Barbara Gillett graduated from the University of Virginia in 1971 with a degree in nursing; over the last decade, though, she has become an increasingly passionate Georgia fan, to the point where she now coordinates her wardrobe with Mark Richt's on gamedays. She and her husband Clark currently reside in Columbus, Ga.; in her spare time she enjoys volunteering with Meals on Wheels, gardening, and schooling sucka punks who act like they know on the tennis court.

Thanks to Mom and everyone else who contributed columns to this year's Georgia season preview. You can access all of the previews through this link.

Auburn preview: At long last, Coach Tuberville, have you no shame? Have you no respect for tradition?

By Keith Olbermann
Guest Columnist

Tonight, a Special Comment on Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville's decision to fire offensive coordinator Al Borges and bring in Troy coordinator Tony Franklin to install -- you guessed it -- a spread-style offense on the Plains.

It was all well and good when Urban Meyer brought the spread to the Southeastern Conference in 2005. Certainly, Meyer's Florida Gators garnered a huge amount of attention the following year when they stunned Ohio State and won the national title. However, it's worth pointing out that the Gators were still struggling to adapt to the spread that year, and won the title not with a high-powered offense but with their defense.

Now Tuberville is leaping aboard the bandwagon and attempting to implement a spread-style system for his own team, the Auburn Tigers. It's a curious choice, given that Tuberville's supposedly archaic run-first, strong-on-defense strategy beat that revolutionary Gator team in both of the last two seasons.

But the danger that this poses goes far beyond bandwagons and overused quarterbacks. Tuberville's decision strikes at the very heart and soul of a proud conference and the sacred philosophies that have guided it for decades.

Think back on the great running backs in Auburn history. Bo Jackson. Brent Fullwood. Tucker Frederickson. Rudi Johnson. Carnell Williams and Ronnie Brown, whom Tommy Tuberville somehow managed to get into the Tiger backfield at the same time. Coach Tuberville, is this how you honor that tradition -- by forfeiting "three yards and a cloud of dust" for "three-step drop and an incomplete pass"?

Coach Tuberville, you famously remarked after your victory over Georgia in 2001 that maybe Mark Richt should run the ball more. Your path to a 13-0 record and an SEC title in 2004 was paved by a ground attack that averaged nearly 200 yards per game. Have you now decided that that wasn't good for you, that polls and TV ratings have dictated that you must now try and force Kodi Burns to become the next Tim Tebow?

In no way is this intended as a slight against Coach Franklin. He did indeed engineer an impressive transformation at Troy, which improved from 111th in the nation in total offense to 17th under his tutelage. But for Tommy Tuberville and his minions on the Plains to now assume that he will effect an equally dramatic and immediate transformation at Auburn is to ignore the gaping chasm in defensive firepower between the Sun Belt Conference and the SEC. Sir, do you seriously not believe that there is any difference between, say, Georgia's defense and Louisiana-Lafayette's? Do you honestly think the Bulldogs are going to be so in awe of Kodi Burns's passing prowess that their pass rushers will simply stop and stare into the heavens as Burns sails deep balls over their heads?

History, of course, will be the final judge of what Tommy Tuberville seeks to accomplish in the loveliest village on the Plains. But if history is a judge, it can also be our guide. Again, we must look back to 2006, when Urban Meyer's Gators won the national championship not because Meyer's spread offense was working to perfection -- it wasn't -- but because they played lights-out defense and didn't let close leads slip away.

One year later, Meyer finally had the spread personnel he was looking for, but he didn't have an every-down tailback, nor did he have nine of the previous year's defensive starters. Behind Tim Tebow, that spread offense worked, but because of an overworked quarterback and a pass defense that finished the season ranked 98th in Division I-A, the Gators dropped three regular-season games, finished third in their own division, and ended the season giving up 41 points and 524 yards in a bowl loss to Michigan. Yes, that Michigan, the one that lost to Appalachian State and ran an offense apparently devised sometime just after the invention of the forward pass.

With this in mind, Coach Tuberville, every SEC fan from Columbia to Fayetteville has every right to ask: Is this what you seek, sir? Is this your vision of what you want the Southeastern Conference to become -- a conference that becomes obsessed with finesse passing offenses to the detriment of the power running game and defenses that have served it so well over the past three quarters of a century?

For if this is your vision -- a re-creation of the late-'90s Pac-10, in which defense is a lost cause and every game is a 41-38 shootout -- then I and other like-minded college-football fans across the Southeast can merely shake our heads and say: May God have mercy on you, sir. Indeed, may God have mercy on us all.

And that's your Special Comment and your guest column for this, the one thousand two hundred ninety-ninth day since Tommy Tuberville declared the 2004 Auburn Tigers the "People's National Champion." I'm Keith Olbermann; good night, and good luck.

-- Keith Olbermann first made waves in TV sports with a five-year stint on ESPN's "SportsCenter" during which he and co-anchor Dan Patrick became the most popular pairing in the show's history. Since then, Olbermann has entered the world of politics, with his nightly news/commentary show "Countdown" having become MSNBC's most-watched program. His awards include a 1995 Cable ACE award for Best Sportscaster and a 2007 Emmy for Best Newscaster in a Dramatic Role. In his spare time he enjoys attending major-league baseball games and serving as President-For-Life of the Edward R. Murrow Fan Club's Manhattan Borough Chapter.

Our celebrity-preview series concludes later this week with a look at Georgia Tech by someone who is nearest and dearest to me out of all our guest columnists. Don't miss it.

Kentucky preview: You wanna play in the man's game? Then you better learn how to play defense.

By David Mamet
Guest Columnist

Let's get one thing straight right now: This is a man's game. This is a game of hand-to-hand combat. You're going to have to use your hands to push another man out of your way and know that he's going to be using his hands to do the same to you, and if you can't handle that, if that knowing that frightens you, then you don't need to be here. Dan Hawkins said "Go play intramurals"? 'F I was an intramurals coach I wouldn't even take a guy didn't know that, or couldn't make his peace with that. You don't like it, there's the door.

And regarding the SEC specifically -- and you'd know this you coached a day in the SEC in your life -- you gotta know how to play defense. This is not negotiable. And I've heard it all before, your "spread offenses," your pro-style sets, all that bullshit, it's all gimmicks. It's all a way around something. You're trying to evade these men, these men who want to get their hands on you and throw you to the ground. Your forty time, your "moves"? They are excuses. They are the tactics of men who are afraid. Nothing more than attempts to avoid that contact and try to alter the very ethos of this game.

I can say this 'cause I've seen what it got you. Rained down points on the Kent States and Eastern Kentuckys of the world, didn't you, then your dicks went limp in the clutch: 14 points against Mississippi State. Thirteen against Georgia. "Oh, but we beat LSU." You want to coast on that all season long? Fine, but don't do it on my time. Save those war stories for your fuckin' friends down at the local watering hole after you've come home from another Music City Bowl. You don't have André Woodson anymore, you don't have Keenan Burton, you don't have Rafael Little, so it is fuck-or-walk time, gentlemen. You're sure as shit not gonna be winning any shootouts this year, so you better learn to win some in the trenches. You learn to play some defense, or else you know what’s waiting for you? First prize is a spot in the national title game; second prize is a December bowl. Third prize is you’re fired. Win, or hit the bricks.

So let's see what we've got here. Eight returning starters on defense, five in the front seven, three in the secondary. I suppose you think that's good, huh? Here's what I think: Fuck your eight returning starters. I don't give a shit who coached you in high school, which college recruiters were keeping your family up nights with text messages, you gave up nearly 400 yards a game and only had 24 sacks the entire year. Last eight games of the season? After you'd finished knocking up that gang of sorority sisters you call a non-conference schedule? Gave up more than 34 points per game. Made Mississippi State look like a goddamn Arena League team. You can't stop them any better than that, what makes you think you can stop Knowshon Moreno? You gave up 124 yards to him last time you saw him. What you gonna do this time, lay out the red carpet and let him go over two bills? Maybe you bottle him up, you let Caleb King steal your lunch right out from under your fuckin' noses?

It is fuck-or-walk time. You learn to pressure a quarterback, you learn to wrap your arms around a guy and don't let go until his face is in the turf, you might have a shot at knocking off the Bulldogs this year, being at home and all. You don't, you give Matt Stafford all day to throw and let Moreno make you look like a buncha fuckin' statues, it's back to getting beat by 30, 40 points. You'll be selling your possessions to get to another Music City Bowl.

Does that scare you? Does that wipe the grins right off your 8-5 faces, you bluegrass cocksuckers? It should. 'Cause it takes brass balls to play in this league, gentlemen, and I don't think I see a one a' you who's grown any yet. Find 'em, or I got no sympathy for you. Fifth place in the SEC East is no man's land. You reside there, you reside alone.

And that's all I've got to say to you. Close the fuckin' deal, win the game, or spend bowl season in front of your fuckin' TV. That's it.

I'm going to get a drink.

-- David Mamet is one of the country's most accomplished and versatile writers, having earned a Pulitzer Prize for drama in 1984 as well as an Academy Award nomination for original screenwriting. His recent works include the comedy November, which recently concluded a run on Broadway, and the film "Redbelt," which he wrote and directed; an upcoming drama portraying a gritty ensemble of D-IA football players, Glengarry Glenn Dorsey, is slated to premiere in January.

Our next preview addresses some controversial issues relating to the Auburn Tigers, and our columnist is an outspoken commentator who isn’t afraid to take a stand.

Florida preview: The Gators are gonna do it. They're gonna get there. This is the time.

By Tom Cruise
Guest Columnist

First of all: I think it's a privilege to call yourself a Gator, and I think it's a privilege you have to earn. When you put on that jersey, when you step out into the arena, you're not just there to be a spectator. OK? Because there are plenty of those kinds of people out there. What you're there to do is score points. That really is what it comes down to. How do you do that? Well, first, you've got to get out there, man. Ha-HA! I mean, right? HA! You can't just stand there waiting around for somebody else to do something, you line up, you square off, BOOM! You go for it.

For me, it really is all about the spread offense. Have you read about it? I mean, have you really read about it, gotten in there, seen what the quarterback is expected to do, seen all the possibilities you've got in front of you? I mean, people can be very glib about the whole thing, but they don't know the history of the spread offense. I do. And it's just -- when you see it, you can't not be amazed by it. And once you see it, you're spurred to action. That's all there is to it.

And I think the Gators are the authorities on the spread offense. They're the authorities on the quarterback draw, they’re the authorities on the jump pass, they’re the authorities on the wideout option, the deep pass, everything. Once you have these tools and you know that they work, it’s not enough to just sit there. I mean, have you seen all this in action? Ha-ha-HA! BOOM! It's just like -- YEAH, man! It's all, it's all encompassed right there. Everything you could possibly want to do with a football from an offensive perspective, the answers, they’re all in there. That strategy, that offense, it's just waiting for people to come take a look, pick it up, become a part of it.

This Tebow kid -- I mean, people have heard about him, but they don't really know him. When you see what he's done, and I'm not even talking about his schoolwork, his family, the circumcisions out in the Philippines, I'm talking about every day he gets up out of bed and he's already got that game face on. People are going to him for help, because they know, they know, he knows what's going on. When you're a Gator, you have that responsibility. This is the time. Now is the time. Being a Gator, people are turning to you, so you better know it. Urban Meyer’s going to look you in the eyes, look into your soul, and tell you he wants you. So you better be ready.

Ha-HA!

And people come to me, they're like, "Have you ever met a Georgia Bulldog?" Ha-HA! Ha ha ha ha ha! HA! Wow, and I hope one day it's gonna be like that, you know? When, like, "Oh, the Bulldogs, I read about those in history books." And they’ve got their All-American running backs, their end-zone celebrations, that’s fine. That’s the very mark of an SP. But someone like that, when they look at you and they know you’re running the spread, that you’ve got it down — they won’t come up to you. Not to your face. They know you’ve got it all right there in the playbook -- XYZ, zip right, H-back, QEDMF, SPC, AEIOU and sometimes Y, milk milk lemonade around the corner fudge is made -- bup-bup-bup-bup-bup, that's what people are coming to us for. That's what they expect from us. Tim Tebow, Percy Harvin, Urban Meyer, right on down the list, they know that's going to be expected of them. And you just — you gotta do it! Ha-HA! Ha!

I mean, people talk about wanting the world to be a different place. I’d like the world to be a different place. I’d like to have won an SEC championship last year instead of going to the Capital One Bowl and getting creamed by those SPs from Michigan. But you know, you can sit there wishing, be a spectator — ha-HA! HA! I mean, RIGHT? — or you can make it happen. I make it happen. Urban Meyer makes it happen. Tim Tebow, he makes it happen. They’ve just cancelled out that part of their personalities that wants to sit there on the sidelines. They don’t stand for it. And I don’t either. When Urban Meyer looks at you, points at you, stares you down, you know, you know, that it’s time to act.

Ha-HA! HA HA HA HA HA! Whoo!

So it’s like — it’s not complicated. Not complicated at all. But you gotta know it. If you know it, you know it, and if you don’t, you don’t. And if you know it, you better know you know it, because if you know it but you don’t know you know it, then it’s like not knowing it at all. And if you don’t know it, then know you don’t know it, and start knowing it. You know? It’s that simple. It is just. That. Simple. Just — pfffft! POW! HA HA HA! You know?

And I have to tell you something -- it's rough and tumble, you know? It's wild and woolly. It's shake and bake. It's Amos and Andy. It's Jacoby and Meyers. It’s Up, Bustle and Out. It’s Trinidad and Tobago. But it’s a blast. I want to go out there and know I did everything I could to put some points on the board. It weighs on you. I think about that a lot. But it is what it is, you know? You always want to do more. I know I always want to do more. And those spectators, they’ve got to either get on the playing field or get out of the arena.

But I’m still gonna be there workin’. Tebow, Harvin, all the other guys, they’re gonna be in there. Getting in the game. That’s how we do it, you know? We don’t do anything halfway. HA HA HA! For me, it’s just — PHWOOO! HA HA HA HA! HA HA!

HA! I’m so PUMPED about this season, man! I just wanna — ERRNNGGHH! I’m just gonna say it: I LOVE THIS TEAM! HA HA HA HAAAA! YEAAAHHHH!

— One of the world’s most instantly recognizable actors, Tom Cruise has appeared in more than 30 feature films since his debut in 1981, including lead roles in “Top Gun,” “Jerry Maguire,” “Minority Report,” and the “Mission: Impossible” films; his most recent work, a testimonial for the International Association of Scientologists’ Freedom Medal of Valor ceremony, was leaked to the Internet in January. In addition to following the Gators, his outside interests include neuropsychology, amateur psychiatry, sparring with talk-show hosts, and being certifiably fucking insane. He is married to the former Kate Noelle Holmes of Toledo, Ohio, and is supposedly the father of one child, daughter Suri.

Next in our series: One of America’s most prolific writers for the stage and screen pulls no punches as he makes a hard-nosed assessment of the Kentucky Wildcats’ prospects for the upcoming season.

LSU preview: We're gonna win another Super Bowl, y'all!

By Britney Spears
Guest Columnist

Hi, everybody! I just want to say first of all I am SO EXCITED to be writing about LSU for you guys! See, LSU is like right down the road from my hometown of Kentwood, so they're kind of like our hometown team, and oh my God, we were SO THRILLED when they won the Super Bowl last year! I mean, not the SUPER BOWL Super Bowl, but, like, the Super Bowl of COLLEGE, you know what I mean?

Anyway, we are all SUPER-HUGE Tiger fans, and Jamie Lynn was even thinking about going there before, you know, other stuff kind of came up. (Have you seen her new baby? She's cute and everything, but not as cute as Sean or Jayden James. Now that I don't have custody of the two of them, Jamie Lynn's been getting all the attention, and she's been kind of milking it lately -- I may have to have another baby pretty soon, I don't know. Gotta show her who the REAL star in the family is!)

OK so anyway. The ONLY thing that everybody's been talking about is all this stuff with Ryan Perrilloux (if I have a daughter next that's TOTALLY what I'm naming her -- I mean, Ryan Perrilloux Spears, how adorable is that?), about how he's all messed up in the head and how LSU is totally screwed now that they only have two inexperienced quarterbacks to try and replace him. But that is SO unfair, because y'all, let me tell you something: When I told Kevin (A**HOLE) Federline I wanted a divorce, that was like the best thing that ever happened to me. He was a bad influence, I finally got him off my back and out of my life, and that freed me up to do all the things I love the most: I put out another album, I could spend time raisin' my kids, I could go to Starbucks whenever I wanted instead of having to worry about all his crap. It's like my song "Toxic": He was poison, and once I got him out of my system, everything was GREAT from there on out.

And that's just what LSU is like right now: They got out of a bad relationship with a LOSER -- I mean, he's at some D-IAA school in ALABAMA -- and they are so going to be better off for it. Like that one quarterback they have, Andrew Hatch? He transferred to LSU from Harvard. From HARVARD, y'all. So you know he's like super-smart and isn't going to be throwin' interceptions or getting sacked or whatever like Perrilloux did in the SEC championship game.

And have you seen all the other guys on their offense? They have a running back named Keeland (sp? these names are HARD!) Williams who can run 4.45 in the 40. I think that means he can go from 0 to 40 miles an hour in 4.45 seconds, and y'all, that is FAST. And there's ANOTHER guy named Trindon Holliday, who is only five foot five and y'all, that's only an inch taller than me, and he is ADORABLE!!! He's so small you can't hardly even tackle him, and he scored, like, a hundred touchdowns against Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl a couple years ago.

And what? The defense? Ummm . . . OK, I don't actually know anything about defense, y'all. I mean, how do you even figure out if a defense is good or not? It's just like, "Go out there and run into people and don't let them score any points!" And LSU's pretty good at that. They'll probably hold Georgia to, like, four points. That's pretty good, right? Or whatever.

Anyway, the point is LSU's gonna be awesome this year, and when I hear people talk about how it's going to be a "down year" and they've lost this player or that player, it makes me want to CRY, y'all. Like, did they not just SEE the Tigers win the College Super Bowl? And everybody makes fun of poor Les Miles because he's kind of weird and he wears big hats, but y'all, first of all, there is nothing wrong with wearing big hats. Second of all, everybody does crazy stuff sometimes and that doesn't mean they're bad people or dumb or whatever. Like, that time I shaved my head, everyone was like, "Oh my God Britney's CRAZY," and blah blah blah, but it got me all kinds of attention in the media, and THAT allowed me to bring attention to one of my most passionate causes, which is how the paparazzi gets in people's faces and ruins their lives, and how we should have the right to go after them with umbrellas or whatever we might have to hit them with. And it's the same thing with Les Miles. Him going for it and calling passes on fourth down and whatever, that's like his version of me shaving my head, and he doesn't do it 'cause he's CRAZY, he does it 'cause he knows something good's gonna come out of it, like winning the game or the College Super Bowl or whatever.

Punting is like wearing pants: Just 'cuz everyone SAYS you should do it doesn't mean you HAVE to, because this is a free country and besides, you can't score any points by punting. I mean, DUH!! I'm totally not a football expert but even I know that!

So anyway, to recap: LSU is awesome, our quarterback is going to be super-smart, Les Miles is a GENIUS and people just don't understand him. And Georgia's going to be good and everything, Mark Richt is SO CUTE, prolly even cuter than Les Miles, but that doesn't mean he's a better coach and they're playing the game in Baton Rouge so LSU wins.

So get ready for another College Super Bowl, y'all! I can't wait!

--Britney Spears is a seven-time Grammy Award nominee who has sold nearly 90 million albums worldwide, and who set a new UCLA Medical Center record this year for being placed on two separate 5150 involuntary psychiatric holds in the span of a single month. She is scheduled to release her next album early next year.

Next in line: He's issued controversial pronouncements on Hollywood, spirituality, dating, medicine, and seemingly everything in between -- and now he's got the inside dope on the Florida Gators. Don't go anywhere.

Vanderbilt preview: Vandy iz teh suxx0rz, but Jorja no can haz freebie.

By Teh LOLcats
Guest Columnists




































-- Ever since they burst onto the scene with the debut of I Can Has Cheezburger in January 2007, the LOLcats writing collective has been one of the nation's most prolific commentators on pop culture, politics, sports, pet care, and other issues; their college-football analysis includes guest posts at Georgia Sports Blog and Every Day Should Be Saturday, among many others. Their first book on college athletics, I Can Haz Dollarzz?: How Corprit America Iz In Ur Sportz Ruinin Ur Futbawl, will be released in November.

Our focus next turns to LSU, and nobody knows the Tigers better than our next columnist, who grew up right up the road from Baton Rouge.

Tennessee preview: The streets of Athens shall run crimson with the blood of the crusaders.

By Osama bin Laden
Guest Columnist

Editor's note: I'm no more thrilled about having a known terrorist mastermind contributing to this Web site than any of you are to be reading it, but I hunted high and low for a celebrity who'd be willing to do the Tennessee preview and none of them wanted anything to do with it, not even Dolly Parton. But my great-aunt used to work for the State Department in the Middle East, and she knows a guy who knows a guy, and through them I found out that Osama is a huge Tennessee fan. Like, huge. In fact, 9/11? Was planned specifically to postpone the Tennessee-Florida game until December so that the Vols could get their shit together. So anyway, he agreed to do the preview, and here it is. Please don't shoot me.

All praise and thanks be to Allah, the Merciful and Just One, Who is my Guide and my Protector as I enter this den of lies and blasphemy, and without Whose grace I would be unfit to witness even a 12:30 game on Lincoln Financial.

For many years the Georgia Bulldogs have exercised unearned claims of superiority over the Southeastern Conference, waging war against their neighbors and oppressing those who blocked their path to the Georgia Dome. For many years were the Tennessee Volunteers victimized by their crusade, beginning in 2000 when a weakened Volunteer team, may the Peace of Allah be upon them, was conquered, and continuing in 2001, when the barking infidels invaded our most holy of holy places and ambushed the #7 team in the nation.

Over the ensuing years, these unbelievers continued to oppress our people and to insult and denigrate our leader, Philip who is called Phil, may peace be upon him. Over these years the Bulldog Nation grew arrogant, but while they mocked the girth of our coach, we recruited new ranks of believers. While they gorged themselves on drink and the flesh of unclean animals, Phil's second-in-command, David who is called Coach Cut, gave our young recruits discipline and educated them in the art of offensive jihad. While Georgia adorned their loose women in red, the color of whoredom, and paraded them through the streets of Orlando and New Orleans, we composed our plans to strike at the heart of the infidel and end their subjugation of our people.

This we did in 2006, when by the eternal Beneficence of Allah the Most Generous, our warriors shook off the yoke of Bulldog oppression and scored more than 50 points in Sanford Stadium, only the second time in history that this has come to pass. We woke the sleeping devil, who vowed to exact revenge. These crusaders, these purveyors of lies and sin in the Face of Allah the Most Holy, once again defiled our homeland with their presence and declared their intention to wipe us from the face of the earth.

And here is how their arrogance and blasphemy were rewarded:



See, O sons and daughters of Allah! See for yourselves the humiliation visited upon the fat, lazy Georgia unbelievers! Hear the cries that spring forth from those throats so tainted by alcohol and unclean animal flesh! Witness the impotent rage of the Great Deceiver Richt, who can only watch as his devils scramble about the playing field like street urchins chasing poultry through the dusty streets of Kabul. On that day were the desecrations visited upon us by the contemptible thief David Greene, by whom Peyton Manning's record for wins by a I-A quarterback now sits defiled, and D.J. Shockley, the purveyor of lies, repaid a thousand fold. I say to you today, this shall be the punishment for any who attempt to conquer and subjugate Allah's chosen people. It would be better for the infidels to cut off their legs, and the legs of their children, than for the soles of their feet to soil even one square of the sacred checkerboard end zone that Allah the Most Gracious has given us.

Now we are poised to deliver yet another crippling blow to the heart of the Bulldog Nation, and now the red and black infidels again declare their lust for revenge, but Insh'Alllah they shall not have it. For again we stealthily infiltrate their territory, generally selected to finish third in the SEC East yet bearing fourteen returning starters from a team that went 10-4 last season and won the Eastern Division title, thanks be to Allah the Most Mighty for His Providence. Once again will the crusaders feel the swift wrath of our WR corps, which returns its top four receivers, those same warriors who so beguiled and outfoxed the foolish Bulldogs last year. Our quarterback is Jonathan Crompton, whom the filthy kufar underestimate just as they did Erik, nephew of Danny, and Casey who is called Iceman before him; but do not tremble, you who trust in Phil and wear the most favored burtokal, for was not Crompton hailed as the third best high-school quarterback in the country by Phil Steele, the kitaabi upon whom Allah's Peace and Favor rest?

Our weakened defense is not rich in experience, but their hearts beat with the courage of the warriors of Zahir al-Din, who protected Damascus from the bloodthirsty crusading interlopers. I say to you today, unbelievers, let not a deep pass fly from your hand, nor an out-route spring from your offensive coordinator's lips, lest Eric Berry pluck the ball from the sky like a raven plucking an olive from an unguarded tree.

Let the filthy red and black crusaders shout their curses. Let them grow lazy and satisfied as the lackeys in the media fill their ears with sycophantic praises. None of this shall be of comfort when we march into their citadel and crush their conference-title dreams for a third year in a row. It is not for pride, nor for a three-game winning streak, that we do this; not one enemy is slain, nor one drop of blood shed, but for the Glory of Allah the Most Deserving and His Nation of true Volunteer believers. Thus we shall not rest until the most revered burtokal flies again over the Georgia Dome, and tongues from Columbia to Fayetteville and from Lexington to Gainesville all proclaim the most sacred creed: La istaza ill'a-fulmer, wa'ashadu 'anna cromptonan ghrabu-fulmer.

There is no coach but Fulmer, and Crompton is his quarterback.

Oh, and fuck Tim Tebow, too.

-- When not directing the operations of al-Qaeda, ranked #1 on Terror and Insurrection Trend magazine's annual "25 Hottest Terrorist Organizations" list for nine years running, Osama bin Laden is a devoted follower of American football. The Riyadh native first started following the Dallas Cowboys as a mujahideen guerrilla in Afghanistan, but jumped on the Tennessee bandwagon in the mid-'90s; he is a regular contributor to Iraqi Top, a Tennessee sports blog written from a Middle Eastern perspective.

Next: The folks behind one of the Internet's most enduring trends bring you the inside scoop on the Vanderbilt Commodores.

Alabama preview: The media may be biased against them, but the Tide will roll.

By Bill O'Reilly
Guest Columnist

Well, a new football season is nearly upon us, and fans of the Memo know that can only mean one thing: Get ready for another round of unfair media attacks on the Alabama Crimson Tide.






You'd think that after 12 national titles and 25 Southeastern Conference crowns, people would have a little respect for the Tide. But no, as is so often the case in American society today, the more successful you are, the more the mainstream media wants to take you down. Liberal news outlets like ESPN and the sports blogosphere just can't bear to see Alabama hire a superstar like Nick Saban or mop up in recruiting, so what do they do? They get their sharp knives out and start aiming them at Tuscaloosa.

And I can sympathize with a guy like Nick Saban. Just like him, I've overcome major disadvantages to reach the pinnacle of my career, winning two Peabody Awards and a Pulitzer. And that's only made the haters out there increase their attacks against me. That's fine; doesn't bother me a bit, and I doubt it bothers Saban.





But that doesn't make these criticisms any less fair. Take the recent arrest of linebacker Jimmy Johns for cocaine distribution, and his subsequent suspension from the team. Now, I'm the last person who's going to defend Johns for his behavior. But the media has been going to town on him while giving other teams a pass -- like, for instance, the Georgia Bulldogs. Jeremy Lomax gets pulled over for speeding and carrying a concealed weapon, and hardly a peep from anyone. Michael Lemon assaults someone at a party, and neither ESPN nor the Atlanta paper run word one about it.

Or let's ignore the off-the-field infractions and focus on Xs and Os. All we've been hearing all year long is how much trouble the Alabama defense is going to be in since they lose two of their top three tacklers and have only four guys returning from last year's front seven, and now that Johns has been suspended, it's even worse.




But what the media isn't telling you is that Georgia has plenty of weaknesses of their own. That offensive line that Alabama's supposedly depleted front seven is going to be replacing? Only two guys are coming back, and they're having to start four sophomores up there. And while Knowshon Moreno is certainly talented, that quarterback they've got back there behind that offensive line didn't even complete 50 percent of his passes last year. The media's making Georgia out to be this juggernaut in 2008, but take it from someone who's analyzed the situation, folks, the numbers just don't back that up.

So what does this mean for the Tide? Take it from someone who was a four-year starter on his college football team, folks, Alabama's going to be just fine. When they welcome the Bulldogs to Tuscaloosa in September, they're going to have a senior QB, all of their top tailbacks returning, and they're going to do some damage to that Georgia defense. Last year, with a lot less talent than they have now, they came back from a 10-nothing halftime deficit to score 20 straight points, and would've had a great shot at winning if Georgia hadn't scored on a Hail Mary pass on the last play of the game. Congratulations, Bulldogs, you got lucky once -- not gonna happen again.

When you get past all the spin and the bias from the mainstream media outlets, you can see that Alabama's going to have a terrific year. So all the people going crazy and wondering if the sky's about to fall just need to shut up and have some faith in Saban. He's got a game plan for beating the Dawgs, and whether this season ends in another Peach Bowl or another SEC title, only a complete idiot would think things aren't headed in the right direction.

And that's tonight's Memo.

-- In addition to the multiple awards Bill O'Reilly won as host of "Inside Edition" and, subsequently, "The O'Reilly Factor," he was a four-year letterman at Marist College from 1968 to 1971, setting several Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference passing records. Between his stints as an athlete and a broadcaster, he served two tours of duty in Vietnam, where he earned two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star as a sergeant major with the Fourth Infantry Division.

Next: He's been described as the world's most dangerous man -- and in our next preview, he offers some ominous words about the 2008 Tennessee Volunteers. Don't miss it.

Arizona State preview: Dennis Erickson is a leader we can believe in.

By Sen. John McCain
Guest Columnist

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, America.

My friends, as we look out over the college-football landscape tonight, we see that the preseason is nearly over and the 2008 season is almost upon us. I commend all of Arizona State’s 2008 opponents, particularly the Georgia Bulldogs and the Southern California Trojans, for the fine seasons they had last year, and look forward to facing them this season. (applause)

My friends, it is clear that Division I-A is at a crossroads. Last year we saw a two-loss team from the Southeastern Conference beat Ohio State in the BCS national championship game, the first time in the BCS era that a team with two losses has ever won the national title. This year several teams, including LSU, Georgia, and Florida, are all vying for a national championship.

It is a time at which football fans across the country must ask themselves, do we really want the crystal football to end up in the hands of another team with two losses? Can we really trust these teams to weather an entire SEC season undefeated and represent Division I-A on the world stage?

Over the past few months you’ve heard a lot about the Georgia Bulldogs. Mark Richt is a fine young man who’s been an inspiration for players and fans alike, and I commend him for his contributions to the game of college football. But many Americans still wonder whether he has the experience and the mental fortitude to guide a team through one of the nation’s toughest schedules and bring his team out on top. While he has earned well-deserved praise for his 27-6 record in true road games, he has never played a Pac-10 team, nor has he ever traveled thousands of miles away from Sanford Stadium to play a ranked opponent.

Whereas other teams have shown us senior leadership at quarterback and the critical skill positions, Richt gives us a junior under center and a sophomore and redshirt freshman at tailback, running behind an offensive line that returns only three of five starters. Whereas other teams have given us gutty performances and inspiring triumphs over adversity, Richt has given us end-zone celebrations. And that’s not change we can believe in.

For all the flashy recruits and highlight-reel plays the Georgia Bulldogs have shown us over the course of Richt’s tenure, the Bulldogs have still fallen short of bringing home a national title. Dennis Erickson, however, has the experience necessary to take a team to the national championship game — he won two with the Miami Hurricanes, first as an independent, then as a member of the Big East conference. My friends, when that phone call comes with three minutes left in the fourth quarter, with the team needing a go-ahead touchdown, Coach Erickson is the only one with the judgment we can trust to make the right calls and win the game. Coach Richt has fielded many talented defenses at Georgia, but we cannot be content to simply stay on defense. That’s not change we can believe in.

My friends, we need an offensive game plan now and for the future, and Coach Erickson is not only one of the top offensive game planners in the country, he has implemented some elements of the spread offense in his tenure at Arizona State. I was an early proponent of the spread offense, even when such a solution wasn’t popular, and my friends, I am here to tell you today that the spread is working. (applause) The Sun Devils scored an average of 30 points a game last year and are poised to increase that number in 2008. Our quarterback, Rudy Carpenter, has given three years of brave service to the Sun Devils, and we owe it to Rudy and all of our other brave men in uniform to see this commitment through to a Pac-10 title. (applause)

Now, I know that we face many challenges. One of them is an offensive line that gave up 55 sacks last season and paved the way for only 3.2 yards per carry. This is unacceptable to most football fans, and it is unacceptable to me. To solve this problem, we are bringing in three new starters on the line with the goal of reducing sacks by 50 percent in the coming season. (applause)

We also face a crisis concerning the skyrocketing costs of football tickets. Over in Georgia, tickets are being rationed to the point where people must pay a premium simply for the right to buy them, leaving many families to take their chances out on the black market. Georgia could solve this problem by exploring ways to expand their stadium and put more tickets on the market, but so far they have done nothing to address this growing concern. At Arizona State, however, we have successfully implemented a "ticket-premium holiday" whereby any football fan can simply walk in off the street and purchase a season-ticket package for only $99. My friends, this is a solution that offers real-world benefits not just for Arizona State fans but for football fans across the country, fans of any team who will be playing the Sun Devils in the -- (Joe Lieberman whispers in his ear) I'm sorry, I've just been informed that they don't really want me telling everybody that they can buy season tickets even if they're not ASU fans, so forget I said that.

My friends, college football is a grand American institution, and I cheer for the Sun Devils not for my own personal glory, nor even for that of my home state, but for the glory of a proud conference and, indeed, the stature of all of Division I-A. We need a strong, high-scoring team with proven leadership to represent this grand sport as its champion, and I have the confidence that the Arizona State Sun Devils will defend their turf, win in September, and be a BCS national champion that all of America can believe in. (applause)

Thank you. God bless college football, and God bless America.

-- John McCain served his country proudly in the Civil War, Spanish-American War, World Wars I and II, and Vietnam, in addition to serving as a U.S. Senator from the Arizona Territory, later the state of Arizona. His earlier guest column for the sports blog Sunday Morning Quarterback, “What’s This ‘Forward Pass’ I Keep Hearing So Much About?”, was a finalist for a College Football Blogger Award in 2006.

Next up: An unbiased, spin-free look at the 2008 Alabama Crimson Tide from one of the country’s most popular political commentators.

South Carolina preview: Yes, we canbeat the Gamecocks.

By Sen. Barack Obama
Guest Columnist

How you doin', Athens! Wow. Thank you. What a great time to be back here in the Classic City -- students getting ready to head back to school, and everyone's gearing up for another football season.

You guys had a pretty good one last year, didn't you? (wild applause) Well, you have a right to be proud — those were some impressive victories. Even the one down in Florida, though obviously there were some unusual circumstances there. We're petitioning the NCAA for a compromise solution where that victory will still be recorded, but just to make things fair for everybody, each point will only count half, so your victory will actually be by a score of about 21 to 15 or so.

But anyway, it was a great season. Won eleven games, went to the Sugar Bowl and won that too. (applause) And yet in spite of all that success, I see that people are still hurting. I see people are still bitter — OK, wait, forget I said that — they’re not bitter, they're still miffed — about being left out of the national-title game. They're looking back and wondering how it happened. And a lot of you are looking back at that South Carolina game, wondering how it ended that way, wondering why we didn't do better.

The reason is simple: We lost because we kept relying on old solutions that didn't work. We tried to beat them with screen passes, and when that didn't work, our leaders just said "stay the course." When we should've been blitzing against an offensive line that had only two returning starters, we abandoned that effort to hang back in coverage, and that only made us more vulnerable to the short passing game.

It's time for change, Bulldog Nation. I propose a 50-percent increase in blitzing to disrupt their passing game. Instead of a conservative offense that's dependent on the screen pass, I want to open it up, challenge them downfield, use the strength we have at the tailback position to run some misdirection plays and keep them on their toes.

Now, some people are afraid of change. You've got people like Matt Hayes saying that Matthew Stafford isn't that good, that he's still too young and unseasoned to be a true leader for this team. But I can no sooner disown Matt Stafford than I can disown my own hometown team, the Chicago Bears, who haven't had a halfway decent quarterback since Jim Harbaugh back in the early '90s. We've got to get past this obsession with completion percentage and show Matt that we've got confidence in him to make those downfield throws. (applause)

Instead of doing things the old way and focusing on one running back, I want to use two. A lot of people say it can't be done, that you can't succeed without designating one guy as your feature back. But we've got a phenomenal runner, Knowshon Moreno, from a blue state, and we've got an awesome redshirt freshman, Caleb King, from a red state. I want to bridge the gap between these two young men and achieve a goal of having two thousand-yard rushers by 2009. (applause)

That's a pretty tough goal, but as I've toured this town and talked to fans and players, I've met countless people who believe it can be done. I talked to an offensive lineman, Trinton Sturdivant, who helped block for Knowshon when he became only the second freshman in Georgia history to rush for more than a thousand yards, and he says he wants to get him over 1,500 this year. I talked to a fan, Paul Westerdawg, who followed the team the last time they went to Columbia and shut out the Gamecocks, and he says he wants to go again this year. Actually, he just downed a cup of Maker's Mark and barked in my face, but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant. And I'm going to do my best to make sure that hardworking Bulldogs like Trinton and Paul don't get left behind this season. (applause)

But that's only gonna come about if we make a commitment to change. We've been without a national title for far too long here in Athens, and this season we face some of the biggest challenges this program has ever seen. Only by making a commitment to change, to new strategies and to gameplanning that actually works, can we go on to defeat the Gamecocks and make a run at the national title.

But if that happens, you'll be able to look back with pride and say that this was the moment when it all began. This was the moment when we found the confidence to play a schedule that the pundits at ESPN said was too tough. This was the moment when we rallied an entire team to a common cause. This was the moment when we stopped playing for field goals and started playing for touchdowns, when we stopped playing not to lose and started playing to win.

If you're ready for that kind of change, if you're ready for a new Georgia Bulldogs team that's prepared for the challenges ahead, if you have the audacity to hope that we can once again put Steve Spurrier in his place, then join me in cheering them on and working for a new tomorrow in Columbia and all the way to Miami. (wild applause)

Thank you, Athens. Go Dawgs, and God bless America.

-- Barack Obama first entered politics as a Illinois state senator in 1996 and was elected to the U.S. Senate in 2004. He declared his candidacy for president last February and weathered rumors about fathering two black children to become the presumptive Democratic nominee for president in 2008. His books include Dreams from My Father, The Audacity of Hope, and a collection of Harry Potter fan fiction.

Next up: In the interest of equal time, we get a look at the Arizona State Sun Devils from that state's favorite son.

Central Michigan preview: Care to tell me what you're doing here, Chippewas?

By Chris Hansen
Guest Columnist

Located in the heart of the Bible Belt, Athens, Georgia, is a bustling college town that prides itself on its longstanding traditions and good times. But every once in a while Athens gets an out-of-town visitor looking for "good times" of an entirely different kind.

"GeorgiaGirl" is the screen name of an employee of the University of Georgia Athletic Department, which for years has been luring and exposing overrated teams that prey on weak competition. Earlier in this series you've seen them take down teams from Idaho and Hawaii, but this time we've stumbled upon a predator from the Midwest.

"Chip," who asked us not to use his real name, is a mid-major from Mount Pleasant, Michigan. He's successful -- a two-time defending MAC champion who came within three points of knocking off Purdue in last December's Motor City Bowl -- which makes it all the more puzzling that he'd be responding to messages from "GeorgiaGirl" in an Internet chat room. GeorgiaGirl, posing as a cocky Division I-AA upstart, asks Chip if he wants to "play," and sweetens the deal with a $750,000 paycheck. It isn't long before Chip says he's willing to travel all the way down to Georgia to meet her.

But he knows he's getting more than he bargained for on this trip when he sees our "Dateline" crew waiting for him at Sanford Stadium.

Hansen: Hi. Have a seat, right over there. So, Chip, what are you doing here today?

Chip: Just, uh, passing through the neighborhood.

Hansen: But this is kind of far away from your hometown, isn't it?

Chip: No, I was just kind of, uh, driving around.

When asked if he came down to Athens to play football with "GeorgiaGirl," Chip continues to insist he didn't -- until confronted with the transcript of his Internet chat. Using the handle "SexyChippewa4U," he engages in explicit sex talk with his prey.

"GeorgiaGirl": Hey ne1 looking 2 play ball

"SexyChippewa4U": yea im a baller. u ever played d-1a before?

"GeorgiaGirl": no its my 1st time, how r u @ scoring

"SexyChippewa4U": baby i had the top scoring offense in the MAC last yr. my QB can strech it out lo-o-o-o-ng hehe

When confronted with his own words, Chip changes his story, saying he was just "kidding around" -- even though his "kidding around" goes on for seven pages. But then he changes his excuse once again, saying he only wanted to teach the upstart Georgia program a "lesson."

Chip: I just wanted to teach them a lesson, you know, that what they're doing is dangerous.

Hansen: You wanted to "teach" them?

Chip: Yeah, you know, that they shouldn't go around just talking to or messing with teams from a long way away that they've never even played before.

Hansen: And that bag there? You needed all that stuff in the bag to teach them that "lesson"?

Chip: Oh no, no, that, that stuff's just for me.

We take a look inside the bag: returning starters. A lot of them -- sixteen, to be exact, including eight on defense. Yet there's something unusual about these players: It turns out that last year they gave up 461 yards per game and a season total of 517 points. I ask Chip about them, and even we find ourselves startled by his answer.

Chip: I was hoping that, you know, the Georgia team might use them on me.

Hansen: "Use them on you"?

Chip: Yeah, I like it when people move the ball a lot on me. I've given up an average of 400 yards a game or more four of the last six seasons. I just . . . I don't know, I kind of like it.

Hansen: Don't you think a lot of people would find that disgusting?

Chip: Yeah, probably.

I decide it's time to tell Chip what's really going on here: "GeorgiaGirl," the "cocky I-AA upstart" he thought he was talking to, is actually the Georgia Bulldogs, who went 11-2 last year and finished number two in the AP poll. They bring 17 returning starters of their own, and are already being talked about as a national-title contender.

By the end of our conversation, Chip seems resigned to his fate.

Chip: I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have come here and I'm sorry. What are they gonna do now?

Hansen: Well, there are 22 or so Georgia football players outside who are going to take you into custody, and I'd say there's a good chance they're going to beat you by 20 or 30 points. It's up to them, though.

Chip: I knew this was a mistake. I knew even as I was crossing the Georgia state line, I was like, 'This is a mistake.'

Hansen: But you did it anyway.

Chip: I couldn't stop, you know? I'd come this far, so I figured . . .

As Chip is questioned by the local media, it turns out this isn't the first time he's made such a journey: Last year, he traveled to Clemson, South Carolina, about 90 miles northeast of here, to indulge in his bizarre fetish. The year before that, it was Lexington, Kentucky -- again, he says, just to "put a scare into" an unsuspecting team.

Both times he was let go with a warning and -- incredibly -- allowed to roam the streets again. This time, it'll be up to his athletic director and the NCAA to determine what happens next.

We're going to pause now for a short break. When we return: Our investigation heads south to Gainesville, Florida -- where, incredibly, a familiar face from the south Pacific just can't seem to stay away . . . when "To Catch a Mid-Major" continues.

Chris Hansen is a 27-year veteran of NBC's news operation most famous for his "Dateline" series "To Catch a Predator," which has resulted in the arrests of more than 300 alleged Internet predators nationwide. He is a graduate of Michigan State University.

You won't want to miss our next guest column, in which a candidate for the United States presidency shares a new strategy for beating South Carolina. Stay tuned.

Georgia Southern preview: If the Dawgs are overconfident, they'll get a bigger surprise than George Custer, you get me, babe?

By Dennis Miller
Guest Columnist

Editor's note: Last summer I did a series of previews of the teams on Georgia's 2007 schedule, but I won't be doing that again this year for two reasons. One, I'm highly superstitious and thus am always loath to make predictions like that simply from a karmic standpoint; two, I'm just lazy. Fortunately, I'm plugged in with a pretty extensive network of celebrities, and I managed to get a whole slew of guest columnists on board to do these previews for me. I've lined up a different celebrity to do each team, starting with Georgia Southern and going through the end of the regular season, and they'll be appearing every few days for the next month or so. Please make our guest writers feel welcome, and feel free to debate them in the comments. Thanks!

Wow, that Michigan-Appalachian State game last year was really something, wasn't it? That upset made Boise State over Oklahoma look like the German blitzkrieg through France in 1940. And boy, you could've heard a pin drop in Michigan Stadium when it was over -- I haven't seen that many bummed-out people since John Kerry's acceptance speech at the last Democratic convention. The Wolverine's stock proceeded to drop faster than M. Night Shyamalan's, to the point where beating a 3-9 Notre Dame team felt like hitting 21 at the Bellagio.

But let's face it, that upset was a long time coming. Those top Division I-AA programs aren't content to play the Festus Haggen to DI-A's Matt Dillon anymore -- their promo videos may have all the cutting-edge appeal of a Pat Boone album of Celine Dion covers, but they're recruiting better, their facilities are improving, and with a few guys even getting high-profile NFL jobs, I-AA is no longer looked upon as the Starbucks barista of college football, the mildly satisfying but fairly dead-end job where you're just biding your time until your master's degree in Toltec studies convinces some Fortune 500 corporation to give you a junior-VP slot and the keys to a leased Lexus. Good luck on that one, cha-cha, by the way.

So this brings us to Georgia Southern. Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Georgia fans, if you're walking into this one expecting to dispatch the Eagles as easily as Pavarotti tearing into a Quizno's French dip, you're asking for a bigger shock than the one Thomas Dewey got on the morning of November 3, 1948. Let's don't forget that GSU actually beat the team that knocked off the mighty Wolverines in their own house last year; if they can accomplish that, they're not feeling any contractual obligation to shiver in their Adidas at the mere sight of you guys.

Let's hop inside the wayback machine and have a look-see at what happened the last time Georgia Southern moseyed into Sanford Stadium. Georgia had a roster packed with NFL draft picks and the QB who would go on to become the winningest D-IA quarterback of all time; Southern had a quarterback named "Chaz" and a triple-option offense that hasn't been in vogue since Barry Switzer was combing coke and underage girls out of the Oklahoma athletic dorms. And yet the Dawgs only led 13-7 at halftime, a score only slightly less embarrassing than the questions Jim Harrick put on his players' final exams. Georgia eventually won, but not before GSU's option attack got the Bulldog defense to overcommit more times than Liz Taylor.

Four years later, GSU has a new coach and a completely different offensive scheme, but they're still as dangerous as that Mexican peyote you bought out of the back of some guy's VW Microbus on the way home from Spring Break. They scored 36 points per game last year and rebounded from 3-8 to a winning season; that alone got Chris Hatcher talked up as a head-coaching candidate at Georgia Tech, so apparently somebody in I-A thinks the guy's ready for The Show. Even if those same somebodies once placed faith in Chan Gailey, whose playcalling was more conservative than an ice-cream social at the Heritage Foundation.

Now look, none of this means I'm prepared yet to strap on my Lyndon LaRouche signature straightjacket and plunk down five dimes on a Georgia Southern upset. Georgia's got enough name-brand players to stock an entire all-SEC team and still have some guys left over to carry Mikey Adams to his car, and they've also got a coach so coolheaded he makes Urban Meyer look like Richard Simmons. If they play this one to the best of their abilities, they'll be nursing a 30-point lead before the marching band can even start warming up for their halftime Foreigner medley.

But if they don't, this one's going to be uglier and more frustrating than the last two Matrix movies, and wouldn't exactly set a pleasant tone for a season in which the Dawgs are hoping to finally join Florida and LSU at the big-boy table of SEC teams that have won national titles in the Internet age. Mark Richt may have to pull a Harry Blackstone and yank another one of those motivational rabbits out of his hat, because the last time his guys played a I-AA team, they came out of the gate with all the fire and intensity of Garrison Keillor after a fistful of quaaludes.

It's as simple as this, Bulldogs: Take these guys seriously, play to your talent level, and you'll be on top of a Nixon-over-McGovern-sized blowout. Fuck around, though, and you'll get a bigger surprise than the one Sonny Corleone got on the Long Island Expressway. Buckle those chinstraps, adjust your jocks, and remember the immortal words of Alex Baldwin's character in Glengarry Glen Ross: "Coffee is for closers."

The 1997 Michigan team began the season with the kind of momentum that eventually dropped a crystal football into their beefy little hands; the 2007 version of that team left their season opener wearing the same expression Marcia Clark had upon hearing the words "not guilty." Time to decide which one of those you want to be. Capisce?

Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Please pay attention to me.

-- Dennis Miller is one of America's most prolific comedians, having served notable stints on "Saturday Night Live" (1985-1991), "Dennis Miller Live" (1994-2002), and "Monday Night Football" (2000-2002), as well as a freelance position as a spokesperson for the Bush administration for the last five years. Though no longer appearing regularly on television, his radio program, "The Dennis Miller Show," can currently be barely tolerated weekdays from 1 to 4 p.m.

Coming up next: The last man you ever want to come face-to-face with shares his tale of a shocking encounter with the Central Michigan Chippewas.