As threatened, this week's +5 is Five Things I've Never Had To Stoop To No Matter How Bad My Luck With Women Has Been -- inspired, of course, by the tale of the Georgia Tech student who solicited lessons on how to kiss on Craigslist so that he could properly impress the Internet girlfriend he was about to meet in person for the first time. Between that kid and "Dimitri," the clinically disturbed voice-mail-leaver, I've definitely been blessed with some opportunities to feel better about myself lately.
Making up a story about myself
Not that I haven't thought about it -- I'm a decent actor, not to mention an extremely accomplished liar (if I do say so myself), so I'm sure I could spin a fairly airtight yarn about having flown an A-10 "Warthog" in the liberation of Afghanistan or being a talent scout for the Boston Red Sox or something like that. Particularly if it was just for a one-night stand, and I wouldn't have to play it out for more than 12 hours or so, I think I could pull that off. But every time the thought enters my head, my Catholic guilt kicks in not long afterward and I can't go through with it. Might still be worth trying, though, as a . . . sociology experiment. Of sorts. Yeah, that's it.
Making up a "Canadian" girlfriend
Again, I'm sure I could put together a ripping good tale of some ridiculously hot synchronized swimmer from Vancouver I met on vacation or something, but I can't do it -- and this time, it has nothing to do with guilt over telling a falsehood; mainly, I've never been able to bring myself to do something that pathetic, no matter how well I'd be able to pull it off.
Getting a girl drunk
I know I've made plenty of jokes on here about looking way better after a few beers -- which I'm sure is true -- but once you get past all the jokes about getting someone drunk and open to suggestion, there's the fact that intoxication voids a person's ability to grant legal consent, which means there's not a place in the country where that wouldn't be considered rape. Not a real bright idea, in other words. Not to mention that most drunk people are so annoying I wouldn't want to spend any more time with them than I absolutely had to in the first place.
Availing myself of the services of a prostitute
Oh, sure, Eliot Spitzer made it look all cool and glamorous, but most of the cities I've lived in, I've been in what you might call a somewhat lower-income part of town -- which means that most of the hookers in my neck of the woods haven't been the high-class Eliot Spizer kind of hooker but rather the corner-of-Ponce-and-Monroe, track-marked, trade-you-a-trick-for-a-crack-rock kind of hooker. And I don't need an STD that bad.
Placing an online ad requesting kissing lessons
I mean, seriously, dude. Jesus.
And now the Ten:
1. The Pretenders, "Where Has Everybody Gone"
2. Thievery Corporation, "Lebanese Blonde"
3. Underworld, "Luetin"
4. The Chemical Brothers, "Fuck Up Beats"
5. Underworld, "Juanita/Kiteless" (live)
6. U2, "Trip Through Your Wires"
7. Thievery Corporation, "Indra"
8. New Order, "True Faith"
9. Richard Cheese, "Come Out and Play"
10. Johnny Cash, "Daddy Sang Bass"
Your turn -- Random Tens and lists of things you're proud you've never had to do in the comments.