Thursday, September 15

An open letter to John Doe Spears-Federline.

Dear baby boy,

On behalf of all humanity, I'm sorry. Really, really sorry.

No child has a say in the parents to whom they're born. It's a crapshoot, really. When the sperm cell that created you was rocketing its little flagellated self into Britney Spears's uterus, presumably marveling at how much stretch-out room he was enjoying on the journey, he didn't stop to think of the fate to which he was dooming an innocent life by penetrating that egg. His job was to make it to the Fallopian tubes, get his fertilization on, and that was it. It's the circle of life, but that doesn't make this any less fair. And for that, I apologize.

If any of us could've changed this, we would have. We may not know you, may never meet you and find out what kind of person you really are, but none of us would have chosen for your father to be someone who skips his other children's birthdays to go dance backup in a music video. None of us would have chosen for your mother to be someone who thinks low-rise jeans, a baby tee, a trucker hat and no bra constitutes acceptable "business casual" attire.

Even the cruelest souls among us would never have chosen to doom you to this fate, Baby John Doe Spears-Federline. And we're going to help you. There's only so much we can do, but we're going to help you.

When your mother drops you off at daycare in three-sizes-too-large jeans, a size-XXXXS wife-beater and a sideways knockoff-Burberry baseball cap, we're going to discreetly straighten your hat and find you a jacket and a belt. (And, most likely, some shoes.) When your dad leaves you with no life lessons other than "If there's grass on the field" and which Vegas concierges will keep quiet when you stumble in at 4 a.m. with a couple hookers, we will do our best to give you the math, science, and English-literature education of which you have been deprived. And when your parents inevitably go through their messy divorce and leave each other for younger (and, as hard as it may be to fathom, trashier) lovers, we will be the ones to sit and listen to you in therapy. As much as it takes, Baby John Doe, because there but for the grace of God go all of us.

It may not take a village, Baby John Doe, but it certainly takes more than two room-temperature-IQ Beverly Hillbillies. So we'll be there for you. When they drop you, we will pick you up. When they leave you with only Red Bull and Hot Pockets, we will give you food. And when you write your tell-all book . . . well, we won't buy it, but we'll at least ghost-write it for you.

It's the least we can do for you, Baby John Doe Spears-Federline. The damage has already been done, but it need not go any further, not if we have anything to say about it. We may not be able to stop them from naming you something like Adonis Lafayette Spears-Federline, but we'll at least try to remember to call you "Donnie."

That is our promise. Godspeed you, sir. And good luck.

Sincerely,

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just cruising through. mike g

Anonymous said...

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Josh said...

Wow, great blog you have here. I will be sure to link to it. If you happen to be interested in low-interest mortgages and sports talk, click here. And then suck on it, yo.

Bill from jc said...

I thought those must be different Anons that usual, but after reading the Credon Barter Dollar page I confess it makes as much sense as the "Fair"* tax.







* Fair to the wealthy, offer not valid among working people, or anyone else that will have to repay Bush's skyrocketing debt. Dealer participation required. Approved credit required. Some limitations may apply, ask your dealer about financing details. Do not taunt happy fun ball. Avoid contact with water or direct exposure to sunlight.

teh l4m3 said...

Considering the chromosomal damage Baby John is inheriting, he probably won't ever be able to read this letter without assistance and a bib.

Oh, and I'd suggest enabling word verification in your blogger settings (under "comments") to get rid of the spam.

Josh said...

Bill, I'll give you $100 if you can honestly say you've read "The Fair Tax."

jen said...

Though a South African news source has said the baby's name is Preston Michael Spears Federline (take a moment to contemplate those initials...yeah), Access Hollywood says she named the kid Sean Preston Spears Federline. Not a bad name, surprisingly enough.

Bill from jc said...

Josh, I have read the fair tax. please give me the $100 you promised. Or folks will think you don't keep your word.

ACG said...

I'm thinking the fact that Britney Spears's genes were allowed to combine with Kevin Federline's in the first place, and now a human being has been produced from that union, is a sign that God was actually mugged during one of his periodic Skee-Ball jaunts to the Jersey shore and now lies comatose in a hospital room somewhere, trapped between this world and the next.

Bill from jc said...

Tell you what Josh, just donate that $100 to the American Red Cross, they need it more than I do.

DAve said...

"And we're going to help you. There's only so much we can do, but we're going to help you."

Pardon me, but just who exactly is this "we" you're talking about?

Anonymous said...

Tell you what, Bill. Tell us what you don't like about the Fair Tax proposal so that we can get a sense of just how much you know about it. Oh, and you can't use Google.

Bill from jc said...

ok, if you promise to give $100 to the Red Cross.

It claims an imputed tax on all goods, but does not explain why consumer prices would be any lower without it. So merchants charge the same, make more, pay no income taxes as individuals or business, and to make up for the loss of the largest share of revenue to the government replaces it with a 24 cent on the dollar sales tax tp be paid only by consumers. Since the current budget of the government exceeds that, it will drive the US greater into deficit, and we will continue to finance wars by borrowing from other countries. Proponents claim that no one would pay tax up to the poverty level but don't explain how that magic is worked, and nothing is done to prevent those with money from just shopping elsewhere. I note that since internet sales are not taxed then anyone with a pc can avoid paying any tax at all. Finally it is regresive in that it taxes those most able to pay at a lower rate vs their ability than those least able to pay. It is the exact sort of anti american crackpot scheme the lunatic fringe of the right wing would and have dreamed up. Aside from bankrupting the nation it accomplishes nothing more than shifting the final tax burden of the US to those who are less likely to be able to pay it. In essence to make sure the Paris Hiltons of the world pay nearly nothing vs thier income level, you want grandma living on social security to pay 24 cents on the dollar more for a loaf of bread, all the while continuing to sell out america to the Saudis and Chinese. Why do you hate America so much?

Now send the $100 to the Red Cross.

Bill from jc said...

Oh who am I kidding, a republican keep their word on money? Ha! Like that is likly to happen...

Anonymous said...

Based on your response, you haven't read the details of the fair tax proposal, just liberal blog BS, just maybe. Some of your responses are incoherent. For example:
"I note that since internet sales are not taxed then anyone with a pc can avoid paying any tax at all."
Anyone with a PC today can avoid sales tax provided the vendor does not have an in-state presence. What's your point?

If you had read the details, all of your issues would no longer be issues since all of your issues have been considered and accounted for in the plan. But to understand, you have to read and learn the details.

If you really want the $100 for the Red Cross, spend $12 to buy the book and learn about how powerful an alternative revenue system would work and work to the benefit of the "less fortunate."

Bill from jc said...

I figured you wouldn't pay up anon, $100 is alot to a middle school kid,,, But Josh should get his check in the mail. Just because I don't swallow the kool aid dosen't mean I haven't looked in the fridge.

Anonymous said...

...and we know you don't know the details of the Fair Tax, a bipartisan tax reform plan. Come back when you know what you're talking about and we'll have a lucid, intelligent discussion.

April said...

Are you sure that you can have a lucid, intelligent discussion Anon?