Oh, sure, but when Paris Hilton looks at them, she's a skank.

By now the entire world should have a pretty good idea that Focus on the Family grand inquisitor leader James Dobson is a major-league wack job, but boy, when someone rails against SpongeBob Squarepants' efforts to indoctrinate our children into homosexuality and then manages to come up with something even nuttier than that, well, "major-league wack job" just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.

Dobson recently issued seven signs that your child is becoming a homosexual. Now, if the "signs" in question were stuff like "got caught making out with other boys at school" or "asks for the Streisand box set for Christmas," OK, I could see how that might help tip you off that your child is getting all gayed up. But FoF, in their infinite wisdom concerning all things sexual, have managed to select seven signs that pretty much ensure every young boy between the ages of 5 and 11 are in danger of becoming gay. "A strong feeling that they are "different" from other boys"? What, like no straight kid has ever thought they were different from everyone else? "A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls"? Hey, if your son prefers hanging out with girls, couldn't that just mean he's a major-league pimp (or whatever the elementary-school equivalent is)?

My favorite "sign" is number five, "A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them 'queer,' 'fag,' or 'gay.' " Hey, that's great. I'm sure our nation's children feel so much better knowing that their sexuality is in the hands of total asshole brats over whom they have no control. I think Sadly, No!'s response sums it up pretty well: "In other words, a susceptibility to be bullied by boys who were raised by people like James Dobson."

But all this business about telltale signs of gayness is just the setup to the punchline, the "money shot," if you will, which Bradford Plumer graciously passes along for your education. Here's how Dobson suggests you wash that gay right outta your kid's hair:

[T]he boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

Hey, yeah, that's a great idea! Make sure your son sees some dick! Only make sure it's a big dick, because if there's one thing gay guys hate, it's huge penises!

If you have any idea what word or phrase accurately describes Dobson's true staggering level of utter bat-poop craziness, give a brother a hand and put it in the comments thread. But if you can't come up with anything, that's OK, I understand.