RUSH LIMBAUGH: We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and John Kerry's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Kerry that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
KEYBOARD KOMMANDO HINDERAKER: What exactly are the demands?
KARL ROVE: We're giving Kerry two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Democratic Party, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.
SEAN HANNITY: Cut her head off?
RUSH: Cut all her bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.
KARL: And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!
KEYBOARD KOMMANDOS: No blackmail!
KARL: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.
KEN MEHLMAN: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
KEN: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers!
KARL: Yeah. All right, Ken. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!
HANNITY: Social Security?
HANNITY: Social Security.
KARL: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.
KOMMANDO GOLDBERG: And the balanced budget.
KEN: Oh, yeah, the balanced budget, Karl. Remember what the budget used to be like?
KARL: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you Social Security and the balanced budget are two things that the Democrats have done.
RUSH: And the national parks.
KARL: Well, yeah. Obviously the national parks. I mean, the national parks go without saying, don't they? But apart from Social Security, the balanced budget, and the national parks --
KOMMANDO KRAUTHAMMER: Civil rights.
HANNITY: The TVA.
KOMMANDOS: Huh? Heh? Huh . . .
KOMMANDO MALKIN: Education.
KOMMANDOS: Ohh . . .
KARL: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.
KRAUTHAMMER: And the FDIC.
KOMMANDOS: Oh, yes. Yeah . . .
HINDERAKER: Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Karl, if the Democrats left. Huh.
KOMMANDO COULTER: The Air Force.
KEN: And they won two world wars, Karl.
HINDERAKER: Yeah, they certainly know how to win wars. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.
KOMMANDOS: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
KARL: All right, but apart from Social Security, the balanced budget, national parks, civil rights, the TVA, public education, the FDIC, the Air Force, and winning two world wars, what have the Democrats ever done for us?
HANNITY: Brought prosperity.
KARL: Oh, prosperity? Shut up!
Now for the debate: Which is funnier, "Life of Brian" or "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"? My vote's for "Brian," but I'm interested to hear what everyone else says . . .