Tuesday, April 29

A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:
The first rule of Pants Club is you don't talk about Pants Club.

Before this increasingly pants-centric blog digs into the heart of today's memo, first things first: Congratulations, Georgia Gym Dogs, on your fourth consecutive national gymnastics title. And what the hey, good luck on making it one for the thumb next year. If that happens, then an entire senior class will have graduated from UGA never knowing what it's like to not be defending national champs. How many other people in any sport can say that?

I have a regular female reader who, as a Florida alumna, claims to find my awesome red pants reprehensible, yet I think deep down she really finds them sexier than Richie Sexson listening to Prince's Lovesexy while driving an Acura NSX through Middlesex, because the other day she e-mailed me a link to this clothing store, which offers these pants for sale:

Now, how is that not enabling me like a motherfucker? My only dilemma now is deciding whether to buy these pants now or hold out for a pair that have little Ugas patterned all over them, which these folks hint they might be offering next year. I mean, the Super-G pattern is certainly a quantum leap, but pants with little Ugas . . . I don't need to tell you that those pants would be my Everest. I'll be sure to keep you posted on how this drama plays out.

As a side note, said female reader is soon to make the very tricky one-SEC-school-to-another grad-school jump -- she's headed up to the University of Alabama to start law school this fall. Congratulations, and I wish you the best of luck on both your law studies and your newfound (and inescapable) association with stuff like this. (H/T: EDSBS.)

If being a Bulldog is a kind of religion, then this is apparently our Holy Communion.

To the surprise of absolutely no one -- but to the obvious delight of Your Humble Blogger -- red pants got a mention in Every Day Should Be Saturday's epic "Stuff Red and Black People Like" last week, a compendium that is snarky, insulting, suffused with a strain of contempt thick enough to cut with a chainsaw -- and all too horribly true, even for this rabid Dawg fan. If you're one of the six remaining Web surfers who haven't checked it out yet, go now.

As someone who both wastes an inordinate amount of time each year (including this one) watching the NFL Draft and loves a good Internet quiz, I thought I'd point y'all toward this one, which gives you a quote and asks you whether it came from NFL draft coverage, a "Dancing with the Stars" judge, or an escort-service ad. I was a not-too-shabby 12-of-15 overall, but it was hard. At least as hard as the SATs.

The actual draft, incidentally, was kind of a drag this year; a lot of trades spiced things up, but there seemed to be a real dearth of superstars, not just the Georgia hopefuls but pretty much everybody. I mean, when the #1 overall pick is an offensive lineman and the marquee QB taken at number three is someone that even his newly adopted hometown "fans" can't trouble themselves to get excited about, you know it's kind of a down year.

Devin Thomas, disproving Big Daddy Kane's theory of pimping not being easy.

As for my own team, you know I've been bitching for what seems like eons about the Redskins' longstanding habit of trading away mid-round picks in exchange for free agents who have maybe one or two good seasons left in them before they start hobbling around on walkers. Well, Draft Day '08 was kind of a "be careful what you wish for" moment, because while my guys ended up with an embarrassment of riches in terms of draft picks -- five in rounds 2-4 alone, which is five more than they had last year -- they somehow didn't feel it was necessary to use those picks to address serious weaknesses on the D-line, not to mention filling the gaping Sean-Taylor-shaped hole in their secondary. Yet somehow Colt Brennan was worth taking at #186. Okey-dokey, guys. I'm sure the kid's raring to go, but I hope we haven't forgotten just how badly he needs a decent offensive line in front of him.

No real point to this item, I just wanted to share with y'all one more time how excited I am to be heading to the Georgia-Arizona State game this September.

Since I've just been back to Athens to relive my college days and shared with you some of the details of my dialing back my maturity level a decade's worth or so, I might as well go all-out and share the following video with you. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you "Everything Poops," not to be confused with Taro Gomi's children's classic Everyone Poops. There's no point in me trying to deny that this clip made me laugh until tears were literally streaming down my face; just watch it (while exercising caution if you're in a work environment, or if you have a full bladder, for that matter).

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor


Anonymous said...

i have those pants, and i wear them to church. their nice, kind of pricy, but beautiful enough to where its completley worth it

Anonymous said...

Red pants. With little UGAs on them. As you have ably demonstrated, dogs will get you women, and dogs on pants have to be an even bigger chick magnet than just a live dog. I say hold out for the dog pants.

Watson said...


The red pants with Ugas on them have been around for a season maybe two. Don't hold me to it, but I'm pretty positive if you visit any of the Athens men's stores: George Gibson's on Baxter, Dick Ferguson's on Alps, or George Dean's downtown on Clayton. They may not have them right now but I bet they would have them leading up to the season. It would be worth a call to see if they had them or knew where to acquire some.

If they didn't have them, someplace in Athens does because I have definitely seen these pants.

Joel said...

I've seen them as well. but, that brings up a question - old school wrinkly Uga or "proud bulldog" Uga?

I think Proud bulldog looks cooler, but in actuality he looks more like a boxer than a bulldog - unless its a bulldog puppy. Bulldog puppies are adorable, but not too ferocious or intimidating. But for picking up women, the puppy pants would definitely perform better than old wrinkly uga head pants

Universal Remonster said...

Hey, I'm going to the ASU game. I also just wanted to show my excitement.

jOoLz said...

mmm... chick-fil-a.