Friday, April 11

The Friday Random Ten+5 has a party in (and for) its pants.

Someone, I'm not saying who -- OK, it was Holly -- expressed remorse that the G-Day recap made reference to, but did not include a picture of, the red pants that made their public debut last Saturday. Well, world, here they are.

Justin Timberlake can find himself another project; sexy done been brought back.

But as a tribute to those and all the other pants that have kept our legs safely sheathed for centuries now, this week's Friday Random Ten+5 is a clear sign I'm out of ideas A +5 Random Salute To Pants.

The Pants Store
The Pants Store opened in Leeds, Alabama, in 1950, and they have a billboard facing the westbound lanes of I-20/59 that Ann and I always remark on whenever we're on our way back to the Salty 'Ham from Atlanta or wherever. I think it has the best business name in American commerce -- simple, to the point, leaving no ambiguity about what product they're pushing. Yet I've always wanted to go there to see if they really do sell only pants, to the exclusion of all other types of clothes. And if they do, I'd like to go in there and ask, "Where do y'all keep the shirts?" just to see if one of the salespeople flies into a rage and tries to kick me out.

Arnold T. Pants, Esq.
One of the finest character names in American history, Arnold T. Pants, Esq., is also the namesake for Hey Jenny Slater's recurring mystery meat/linkdump feature. (Weirdly enough, it's also apparently a Googlebomb for attorney Ken Nugent, if the results page for "Arnold T. Pants" is any indication.) Fans of the "Fletch" franchise who, like myself, can recite the entire film verbatim will recall that Pants, the divorce attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin Fletcher, drove a "red Oldsmobuick" and was memorably advised by Fletch to keep $10 of Mrs. Fletcher's alimony for himself and "go out and get yourself a nice piece of ass."

Worldwide Pants
According to the Wikipedia entry for David Letterman's TV production company (est. 1993), the name "Worldwide Pants" dates back to an incident on an early "Late Night" episode in which

Dave read a joke essentially consisting of the line "Guess what's in this guy's pants." However, when the piece aired that evening the NBC censors decided to mute the word pants from the punchline. Letterman, more amused than annoyed, talked extensively on-air about the absurdity of the word pants somehow being considered offensive or risqué. Letterman used pants humor extensively for two or more weeks, creating a hilarious footnote in censorship history.

For all I know, Letterman wrote that himself as a joke, but whatever.

Brick Tamland's pants party
You know, I honestly didn't think "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy" was anything special when I first saw it in the theatre, but it's gotten funnier and funnier every time I've seen it since then. The thing is, Ron Burgundy might only be the third-funniest character in the movie. The consistent scene-stealer is Steve Carell as Brick Tamland, the KVWN weatherman who manages to keep it together on camera but is somehow borderline retarded everywhere else (and, it should be said, enjoys a nice pair of slacks). The "pants party" scene begins at 0:55 in the above video, and I would probably find it funnier if every approach I made to a single woman weren't nearly that awkward.

Songs To Wear Pants To
A truly amazing Web site where you send in a "request" for a song and some guy in Canada named Andrew records it for you. And it doesn't matter how detailed or arcane your specifications for the song are. A song about how librarians are "sexy and friendly and willing to help with things"? Check. A rap song in which none of the lyrcis contain the letter "e"? Check. "[A] boy-band-esque ballad about the only remaining cookie in the cookie jar. It has to have at least one driving guitar solo, and also some French jargon"? Check. Not only is he pretty musically talented, this guy must have an IQ in the 400s, and I'll bet he's a bitch to play at Scrabble.

This has been the Friday Random Ten+5 Random Salute To Pants. And now the Ten:

1. Cyndi Lauper, "Girls Just Want To Have Fun"
2. Nanci Griffith, "Storms"
3. R.E.M., "Crush With Eyeliner"
4. Elvis Presley, "Suspicious Minds"
5. The Chemical Brothers, "Orange Wedge"
6. Atomizer, "Hooked On Radiation" (Pet Shop Boys Orange Alert mix)
7. INXS, "What You Need"
8. The Smiths, "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore"
9. Pet Shop Boys, "No Time For Tears"
10. Moby, "Down Slow"

Throw your own Random Tens, and your own tributes to wonderful, wonderful pants, in the comments.


Holly said...

The dog's interior monologue is the musical cue from 2001 when the camera pans up the monolith.

Anonymous said...

You can imagine my sincere buyer's remorse, when I purchased a pair of "crimson" pants during football season last year and while dropping my children off at my Dad's on game day he looks at them and says, "Those are Georgia red." (He grew up in Georgia as a Tech fan and he knows clothes, so I took him to be correct without even thinking.) There are two upsides -they blend in the crowd so you can't really tell, we beat Tennessee the first time I wore them, and women love them (OK, three things)- and the down side is that I can't wear them to Athens next year (or with any other shade of red). After all they are "big game" pants.
Total aside: the word verification for this comment in "wzasy" and now that is my new favorite word.

Kanu said...

I once won a plaid pants-off at a good friend's wedding rehearsal dinner. He and myself and his little bro for years were proponents of the plaid pants, whether currently in fashion or not, and when he got married he challenged us to a plaid pants contest, with the winner enjoying free golf at the expense of the two losers at the wedding week golf outing in addition to lifelong bragging rights.

They searched stores, I took my designer GF to the store and picked out a sweet red & black bolt of plaid awesomeness. She made me custom made red & black pants that I knew would also be great for Georgia games. They turned out great, and she made me a matching hat and herself a purse from the same fabric. Suffice to say I won hands down, as both my opponents did the right thing and duly conceded when my get up was revealed, I played free golf, and then rocked the pants at the 2003 Sugar Bowl in Nawlins, where they were all the rage.

Sad thing is after my now ex-GF left me in such shitty circumstances, I threw them in the dumpster on general principle, and now several years later I kind of wish I had them back. But no worries, there will be other plaid pants, like my blue and green plaid ones that everyone makes fun of me that they look like pyjamas, but like Kellen Winslow Jr, I don't give a hell, cause I'm a fucking plaid pants soldier.

Now then, the 10:

1. Ludacris, "What's Your Fantasy Remix", from 'Back For The First Time'

2.Jimi Hendrix, "Born Under A Bad Sign", from 'Blues'

3.Thievery Corporation, "Satyam Shivam Sundram", from 'The Cosmic Game'

4.Daft Punk, "Veridis Quo", from 'Discovery'

5. Morcheeba, "Col", from 'Who Can You Trust?'

6. Westside Connection, "Cross 'Em Out And Put A 'K'", from 'Westside Connection'

7. Talking Heads, "Psycho Killer" from 'The Best Of The Talking Heads'

8. Gangstarr, "Above The Clouds", from 'Decade Of Gangstarr'

9. The Herbaliser, "Herbal Blend Intro" from 'Herbal Blend'

10. Aggrogators Meet Prince Jammy, "Chapter Of Money", from 'The Rough Guide To Dub'

Y'all have a great weekend.

Kanu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kanu said...

Here's the award winning plaid pants described above:

If that doesn't work, they are #9 in this post:

Will said...

"wzasy" adj. hip-hop slang. proun. 'wuz-ZEE-zee" so as to more or less rhyme with "easy" like "easy" but more so, and better in the sack.

A 10:
Battles - "Atlas"
Immortal Technique - "Obnoxious"
Method Man - "Meth vs. Chef"
Circa Survive - "Holding Someone's Hair Back"
Battles - "Leyendecker"
Estradaspehere - "A Corporate Merger"
Butch Walker - "Bethamphetamine (live @ The Tabernacle)
Dredg - "Ode to the sun"
Isis - "Dulcinea"
Godspeed You! Black Emperor - "Moya"

Anonymous said...

All these splendid pants make me a little sad that there's no equivalent (that I remember) for USC fans. I suppose I'll just have to keep on rocking the SC-themed Hawaiian shirt that makes dogs hide and small children cry out in fear.

The Ten:

1) Rancid, "As One"
2) Lemon D, "Deep Space (I See Sunshine)"
3) The Specials, "Whine and Grine / Stand Down Margaret"
4) Revolting Cocks, "Cattle Grind"
5) Jane's Addiction, "Three Days"
6) Trashcan Sinatras, "Obscurity Knocks"
7) Sam and Dave, "Soul Sister, Brown Sugar"
8) Abba, "Voulez Vous"
9) Super Furry Animals, "Carry the Can"
10) Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Good Time Boys"

Kanu said...

And since it's on topic, here's yesterdays pimpin' at day 1 of the Masters, featuring all kinds of non standard issue cotton Dockers pants:

Doug your reds would fit right in.

Josh M. said...

You forgot one obvious choice for inclusion.

Do the words "sisterhood," "of," "the" and "traveling" mean anything to you?!?

NCT said...

Ah, pants. This post makes me want to dig up Decksandrumsandrockandroll and crank up the Popellerheads' "Velvet Pants". It's groovy, I guess.

1. Tori Amos, "Father Lucifer"
2. R.E.M., "The One I Live"
3. Tori Amos, "Crucify" (from the EP)
4. Elton John, "Rocket Man"
5. R.E.M., "(Don't Go Back To) Rockville:
6. The Beatles, "Good Night"
7. David Geddes, "Run, Joey Run"
8. Simon & Garfunkel, "Scarborough Fair/Canticle"
9. Supertramp, "Goodbye Stranger"
10. Elvis Costello, "Brilliant Mistake"

AK said...

I think the Pants Store's employees would be somewhat less than amused at your antics, since their website clearly states that they “carry everything from socks to shoes to women's apparel.”

That last part concerns me. Are women allowed to wear pants in Alabama?