Friday, March 21

The Friday Random Ten+5 is not amused.

I probably don't need to remind you guys that this has been a pretty heavy week. A few days ago we marked the fifth anniversary of the start of the Iraq war; today we mark the two-thousand-and-somethingth anniversary of Jesus Christ being, you know, executed. And in between we had all that stuff with Barack Obama's church, and the attendant discourse about race relations in this country, which of course is not a funny subject at all. (Nor is the story of people at the State Department snooping illegally into Obama's passport file. Look, people, if Barack Obama wants to go overseas to build his army of jihadists who will descend upon the United States and install a glorious Muslim caliphate in Washington the moment he gets elected, that's Obama's damn business and nobody else's. OK, I guess that story is a little bit funny.)

But anyway, as the Iraq war demonstrates, there's some stuff I just don't joke about, not even on a blog as goofy and asinine as this one. Last week the +5 was random shit I find hilarious; in the spirit of this gravely serious week, today's +5 is Five Things I Do Not Find Funny And Are Not To Be Joked About On This Blog.

My mom
This one's pretty standard, I think. I don't know of anyone who likes it when someone makes fun of their mom, so you'd be wise to just lay off Barbara Gillett. She's a f&%$ing saint for one thing, plus I have it on good authority that she is a member of the Vatican's secret society of sleeper agents assigned to shed some serious heathen blood should Armageddon happen on her watch. Let me put it to you this way: Even Opus Dei is afraid of this bitch. So watch your step.

The 1999 Georgia-Georgia Tech game
Believe it or not, as militant a Georgia fan as I am, I'm actually OK with people joking about our football team. What's that, we got walloped by Tennessee this past season? We've only beaten Florida three times in the past 18 years? Sorry, I have to confess I was busy polishing our Sugar Bowl trophy and I wasn't really paying attention to what you were saying. However, there is one aspect of the Georgia football program that I simply don't accept any joking about, and that is the 1999 Georgia Tech game, which I got to witness in person get stolen from us by a bunch of refs who made Mr. Magoo look like one of the sleuths on "CSI." If I ever mention this game in conversation, you are instructed to make one contribution and one contribution only, and that is to reply, "Jasper was down, bitch." Anything else and you may end up on intimate terms with the pavement.

Melissa Theuriau
This is my future wife we're talking about here. Just don't go there.

My sexuality w/r/t my love of the Pet Shop Boys
I'm not a proud man, so I can concede that numerous aspects of my personality or personal style, all other things being equal, would seem to point toward homosexuality. Short, spiky hair that I regularly put "product" in? Check. Two little dogs in my household? Double check. A small imported car? Yup. Platonic man-crushes on guys like, say, Mark Richt or George Clooney? Guilty as charged; they're dreamy! And then there's the fact that I'm on a sexual dry spell so lengthy it'd make me, I don't know, common-law gay in several states. Go ahead, make your jokes. But where I draw the line is when people insinuate I must be gay because I like the Pet Shop Boys, because now you're not insulting me, you're insulting the most talented duo in the history of pop music by insinuating that nobody outside of the gay community could possibly like them. Oh, really? Axl Rose begs to differ, schmucks. At any rate, when you find a gay guy who has both the entire Pet Shop Boys catalogue and Ice Cube's "The Predator" in his iTunes stash, let me know; until then, lay off.

The state of Alabama
Look, I fully recognize that Alabama has its share of rednecks. Maybe even more than its share. The problem is that this is most frequently pointed out to me by family members and friends who live in places like Georgia and Florida, and I'm sorry, someone from Georgia or Florida chortling at Alabama's preponderance of rednecks is sort of like Donald Trump calling out Ted Koppel for having stupid hair. How about we do it like this: If you want to redneck-bait the great state of Alabama on this blog, you must first apply to me via e-mail for the right to do so, and I'll qualify or disqualify you on a case-by-case basis. Are you from the Upper East Side? Or London? OK, take your best shot. But Muscogee County, Georgia, or the Florida panhandle? Oh-ho-ho, I'm sorry, but I think you need to yank the white-trash log out of your own eye before pointing out the speck in mine. And I didn't come up with that myself, that shit's in the Bible, hater.

So now that we've got some boundaries drawn, I think we can all proceed like adults. You know what was interesting, though? This was probably the hardest +5 I've ever had to come up with -- I just don't get offended by all that many jokes, no matter what they're about. The Catholic Church? 9/11? Alzheimer's disease? Natalee Holloway? Have at it. I mean, I'm not your mom here.

And now the Random (and Very Serious) Ten:

1. Gorillaz, "Latin Simone"
2. The Beastie Boys, "Flute Loop"
3. The Smiths, "Rubber Ring"
4. Orbital, "Funny Break (Once is Enough)"
5. Radiohead, "Idioteque"
6. U2, "Numb" (Gimme Some More Dignity mix)
7. De La Soul, "Plug Tunin (Last Chance to Comprehend)"
8. Richard Cheese, "Closer"
9. Pet Shop Boys, "Somebody Else's Business"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "Liberation" (Takeoff version)

Now, what have we learned today, readers? That's right -- first person to snicker at #s nine and ten loses a toe.

Instead, why don't you share your own Random Tens and/or Not-Funnies in the comments? Wouldn't that be nice? Oh, yes, of course it would.


Josh M. said...

I never knew Axl Rose was gay.

Anonymous said...

I'd never make fun of the Pet Shop Boys and homosexuality. Heavens no. Now if you had the complete Wham! catalogue, or maybe Culture Club, maybe. They were much gayer. Well, maybe. Better no ever say anything about Frankie Goes to Hollywood, though.

The sad fact is I have to admit that growing up in the 80s and 90s there are scattered songs from all four of those bands in my collection. I'm not gay, I just dress with style.

1. Smashing Pumpkins, "In The Arms of Sleep"
2. They Might Be Giants, "Toddler Highway"
3. The Police, "De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da"
4. The Bangles, "Hazy Shade of Winter"
5. Violent Femmes, "Kiss Off"
6. Grateful Dead, "Hell in a Bucket"
7. INXS, "The One Thing"
8. INXS, "Need You Tonight"
9. Tchaikovsky, "Sym 6 in B Minor - Adagio, Allegro non troppo"
10. Pink Floyd, "Pigs on the Wing"

And one to grow on: Harry Connick, Jr. "Please Don't Talk About Me When I'm Gone"

Reed said...

Things that aren't funny to me:
1) Making fun of people with disabilities. Just never ever cool.
2) The Holocaust. Yeah, it's been a while, but I still haven't heard a good holocaust joke, and don't expect to.
3) George Bush poking around the White House looking for the weapons of mass destruction.

Random Ten:
1.Fishbone, "'Simon Says' the Kingpin"
2.Tori Amos, "A Sorta Fairytale"
3.Tom Waits, "Pasties and a G-String"
4.12 Rods, "Twenty Four Hours Ago"
5.Explosions in the Sky, "What Do You Go Home To?"
6.Public Enemy, "Meet the G That Killed Me"
7.Bad Religion, "Struck a Nerve"
8.Sly and the Family Stone, "Sing a Simple Song"
9.Pixies, "The Navajo Know"
10.The Cure, "Primary"

Anonymous said...

Not at all humorous:

1. The kid from UCF that died.
2. Carcharodon carcharias
3. The officiating crew on Xavier's payroll.

Random Ten:
1. "If You Don't Love me (I'll Kill myself)" Pete Droge
2. "Little Wing" Jimi Hendrix
3. "Dream all Day" The Posies
4. "Fire" Ohio Players
5. "Baby Love" Mother's Finest
6. R.E.M. "(Don't go back to) Rockville"
7. "The Walls Came Down" The Call
8. "Lit Up" Buckcherry
9. Golden Palominos "I'm not Sorry"
10. Sniff 'n the Tears "Drivers Seat"

Anonymous said...


I totally respect the fact that you are willing to stick-up for your adopted state. I live in the Ozarks, man... I feel you! If Missouri State football was to ever make it to the I-AA (I'm sorry, FCS) playoffs, the ESPN promotion would be "White Trash Lives Here."

We have our share of rednecks, but we are mostly populated by hillbillies like myself. For a Missourian to accuse Alabama of being full of rednecks, that would be like Vanderbilt telling Duke to just go ahead and drop their football program because they will never sniff a division title.


Anonymous said...

Not funny:

1) Making fun of my children - don't you mock my preciouslittleangels.

2) IRA humour. Note spelling for inherent explanation.

Aside from genocide and lumpen racism, that might be about it.

The ten:

1) The Ruts, In a Rut
2) LCD Soundsystem, New York I love you but you're bringing me down
3) Jimi Hendrix, Love or Confusion
4) Aphex Twin, Tamphex (hedphuq mix)
5) Tenpole Tudor, Wunderbar
6) The Jam, Going Underground
7) Dead Milkmen, I walk the thinnest line
8) The Thrills, Don't steal our sun
9) Prince Buster, Enjoy yourself
10) Orbital, Are we here?

Tantra Flower said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
duff said...

I never knew Axl Rose was gay.

You didn't? I thought it was obvious...

And yeah, Jasper may have been down, but I'd think Ball made up for it, didn't he?

Tantra Flower said...

1. Fucking children, animals, and/or dead people.
2. Slavery
3. Chernobyl et al
4. My spiritual beliefs
5. My family. I can talk junk and joke about them all I want, but don't you do it; not even on a double dog dare.

And randomly grabbed from an '80s list I already had:

1. Belouis Some – Some People
2. Big Audio Dynamite – The Bottom Line
3. Billy Idol – Hot in the City
4. Blancmange – Living on the Ceiling
5. Cristina – Is That All There Is?
6. Device – Hanging on a Heart Attack
7. Devo – Speed Racer
8. Divinyls – Boys in Town
9. Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Two Tribes
10. Gene Loves Jezebel – Desire

beast in 'bama said...

I hope you're excluding people who are actually from Alabama from your criteria, because the way I see it, I've got a license to make fun of Alabama all I want...I've lived here longer than you, and there is a LOT of material.

A Pet Shop Boys fan you wouldn't expect? Superweatherman James Spann. Big time. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

Have meant to give you a hard time about your PSB love....course if you like Bronski beat then we know you are gay

1. REM - Orange Crush
2. Joe King Carrasco - Bad Rap
3. Gin Blossoms - Mrs Rita
4. They Might be Giants - Birdhouse in your soul
5. The Normal - Warm Leatherette
6. B52s - Song for a future generation
7. Toad the Wet Sprocket - Nanci
8. Depeche Mode - Route 66 (Nile Rogers Mix)
9. Devo - thats good
10. Modern English - Ink and Paper

jacksrbettor said...

1. Your mom scores major points in the pic for...(a) NOT having a cell phone plastered to her ear. (b) Complete focus on the road. (c) being quite attractive.

2. Jasper was down.

3. Theuriau - Very attractive, future pulitzer winner, virgin

4 + 5. Anxiously awaiting the PSB's version of "Sweet Home Alabama". How's that for a "gay redneck" anthem?

1. Jackyl - Down on Me
2. Faith No More - Epic
3. Motley Crue - Primal Scream
4. Pet Shop Boys - Sweet Home Alabama
5. Guns N Roses - 14 Years
6. Nickelback - Feelin Way Too Damn Good
7. Creed - Torn
8. The Doors - People are Strange
9. Toby Keith - As Good as I Once Was
10. Puddle of Mudd - Control

Anonymous said...

Not funny:

1) Jesus jokes. Religious or not, somethings are just too sacred (same goes for Allah, Yahweh or whatever deity you wish to follow). If Eddie Murphy won't do them....

2) Mocking SEC universities for their perceived lack of academic stature due to athletic success. Unless you are Harvard...wait, nevermind.

3) Georgia's mascot. When another school's mascot is named best mascot of all time, then that team and only that team can mock UGA.

4) My accent. God talks like we do.

5) Fox Sports.

1. Pink Floyd - Learning to Fly
2. GnR - Used to Love Her
3. Pet Shop Boys - Rent
4. REM - World Leader Pretend
5. U2 - In God's Country
6. Def Leppard - Love Bites
7. Bangles - Hazy Shade of Winter
8. Prince - Alphabet Street
9. NWA - I Ain't tha 1
10. Steve Earle - Copperhead Road

PS. Pet Shop Boys won't get you to the front of the line at Therapy in Hell's Kitchen, but having Both Rick Astley songs certainly can (and you can hearken back to the good times of 1988 with better than that).

Anonymous said...

I for one will never dispute that Georgia, the state and the university, is filled to the gills with rednecks. Point delivered, good sir.

Anonymous said...

Is that really your mom in that picture? Was she, like 14 when you were born?

And can you really speak French?

NCT said...

No Ice Cube here, but I do have the entire Pet Shop Boys catalogue and Public Enemy's It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back and Fear of a Black Planet.

So there. Thinking a gay guy can't have any particular album in his collection is just as bad as thinking any guy who listens to Pet Shop Boys must be gay. So watch yourself. Sister.

Anonymous said...

Not make fun of Bama?

Yeah, because Bama folks are widely known for it's respect for other states.


Screw Bama.

Josh M. said...

I'm pretty sure I enjoy joking about damn near everything people in this thread say not to joke about.

But then I'm an asshole.

Astronaut Mike Dexter said...

NCT, I'll see you both of those albums and raise you N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton."

NCT said...

All right. I'll have to fold based on what appears to be the particular trump suit we're dealing in this hand ('cause beyond the Public Enemy, all I'm holdin' is a few singles that aren't gonna get me very far). All I'm sayin' is it's unfair to act like the gays can't have some surprises alongside the Madonna, Erasure, and yes Bronski Beat (and Communards and solo Somerville). Wow. And I'm old, too.

NCT said...

Ok. I've barely started to load up my iPhone, but here's the actual random 10:

1. "Cruel" - Tori Amos
2. "Muhammed My Friend" - Tori Amos
3. "Tiny Dancer" - Elton John
4. "Truckin'" - Dwight Yoakam
5. "Don't Tell Mama" - Cabaret original cast
6. "Don't Ask Me Why" - Billy Joel
7. "Swim" - Madonna
8. "Give Me Back My Man" - The B'52's
9. "Carnival of Sorts" - R.E.M.
10. "Revolution 9" - The Beatles

Yikes. This is awfully personal.

Anonymous said...

Things that irk me if you joke about:


The word y'all.

Every accent group has a few words that sound funny to other people. Southerners probably have the most, but people from all over the country are not immune from odd sounding or unique words. There is no "r" in Washington. The phrase "forget about it" is not one word. So don't make fun of a word that is not only in the dictionary, but also a word we here in SEC country hold sacred.


"So when is y'all's wedding?"

"Its this Fall."

Not funny. Why do people do this? And why are the overwhleming majority of these weddings in honor of what I would consider second and third tier friends. Don't get mad at me if I spend the entire reception with 5 to 10 other like minded people watching college football. And for me its not the absence during much of the reception that pisses my date off, its if Georgia loses. I was a total a-hole two falls ago when I watched the Dawgs blow the huge lead against Tennessee. So not only did I have to miss the game (which I had tickets too), but now we lost and you expect me to do the Chicken Dance?


Led Zeppelin

They did not play heavy metal. They played the blues and inspired a universe of hacks and D&D inspired music because of laziness and corporate greed. They were genius; you are not.


Kathryn Richt

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by making fun of this woman in front of me except pain.


My obsession with recruiting.

I guess its kind of funny, but it makes so much sense to follow this stuff if you're a college football fan. Simply dismissing it as stupid is...well, stupid. And besides isn't watching college football and paying attention to the Draft just the NFL's version of recruiting?

Anonymous said...

Emotionalfescue - I'll honor your first four, but I have to say that as to #5, yes, recruiting is stupid. Not the actual recruiting done by coaches as part of their job, but the fan chat rooms, the slobbering over a kid who may or may not choose your school (regardless of whether he can be admitted), the abject disappointment when he goes somewhere else (but doesn't pan out, either) as if the other people who are on your team and in school weren't capable of winning a game without recruit X, the nights staying up reading profiles and predictions instead of spending time with your wife and kids, where appropriate, - all of that is stupid.

But if it makes you feel any better "paying attention to the Draft" in the NFL beyond just reading about it after the fact in the paper is pretty stupid, too.

Anonymous said...

I'm one of those Muscogee County, GA snubbers of the State of Alabama.

2 things in my defense:
1) I'm well aware of the trash in my own back yard.
2) You have to forgive us a little when the majority of our Alabama perceptions and experiences derive from the cesspool known as Phenix City, AL.

beast in 'bama said...

The Phenix City argument is strong; you might have to give a little leeway on this point, Doug. Perhaps a "Cesspool that is Phenix City" clause?

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate with the Pet Shop Boys sensitivity. Although I am currently in the closet with my love of Neil and Chris to my wife, family and pretty much every heterosexual person I know, you have given me the strength to at least drop a few of their tracks onto my shuffle just to break the ice. Ha anyway, I truly believe that they have been one of the most influential forces in electronic music. Period.

Performance is one of the best concerts I have ever seen (on DVD anyway).

My Random 10 from the Shuffle:

1) MF Doom - Apple Pie
2) Melodains - What More Can I Say
3) 8Ball & MJG - You Don't Want Drama
4) Common - Tribute to Fela
5) Chad & Jeremy - A Summer Song
6) Balkan Beat Box - Bulgarian Chicks
7) Beck - Cellphone's Dead
8) Hank Williams III - Pills I Took
9) Black Moon - Who Got the Props?
10) Pavement - Flux = Rad

If that's not random, then I don't know what is.