Friday, October 16

The Friday Random Ten+5 dishes out Halloween advice (with sexy results!*).

As of today, Halloween is but two weeks and change away, and this is the time I can never help but reflect on how much my attitude toward Halloween has changed over the years. Once I became a teenager, i.e. old enough that candy was no longer one of my prime motivations for doing anything, I lost nearly all of my interest in the holiday; I was enough of a Good Guy at that point that bag-snatching, house-TPing, and the usual seasonal mischief didn't have all that much appeal for me. I pretty much ignored the holiday completely for a long time, and it wasn't until I'd been out of college for a few years that I finally caught up with the rest of my gender and discovered the real reason Halloween was worth celebrating in spite of the annoying children, rampant vandalism, and potential for dramatically accelerated tooth decay: girls making it a point to go out in public looking as slutty as possible.

Let me tell you, my eyes were opened, and a lot of it probably had to do with living right smack in the middle of one of Birmingham's busier bar districts, where the female patrons don't always bother even paying lip service to the concept of a "costume" as you and I know it. The last few Halloweens in a row, I've been able to sit out on the patio at Dave's Pub down the street from my apartment and practically set my watch by the moment a trio of college-aged girls stumble across 20th Street in their underwear. Not that I don't admire their bravery, but there are ways to wear an actual costume (or at least an approximation of one) while still maintaining the sluttiness that we've come to expect from October 31st. Sometimes these methods are absolutely horrible -- the words "sexy" and "clown" should never so much as appear in the same sentence, and I think it's reasonable to expect anyone who joins them together to register as a sex offender -- but some methods can be suitably trashy while being properly respectful of the true spirit of Halloween and showing some true creativity in the bargain. So on that note, this week's +5 is Five Suggestions For Creatively Slutty Halloween Costumes:



Sarah Palin
Yes, Palin is a willfully incurious individual who would've made an awful vice-president and who would make an even worse president, but like the new Cowboys Stadium and those 100,000-strong, stadium-wide gymnastics demonstrations they put on in North Korea for Kim Jong-Il's birthday, she's not bad to look at, even if she does go against everything I stand for. Extra points here for an accurate "you betcha" or "meeeaverick" in your speech; a particularly short skirt; or if you can borrow your friend's Alaskan husky and walk it around with you wherever you go.



NFL cheerleader
Many NFL cheer squads are known for wearing rather complex, architecturally gifted uniforms; the San Diego Charger Girls, extolled hither and yon on this blog, are a prime example of this. However, an increasing number of teams are experimenting with the deceptively simple combination of jersey (or jersey-like-apparel) and hot pants. This is a trend I have no problem with, and it makes costuming-up a cinch for the ladies. Just grab a jersey out of your boyfriend's closet (or your own closet, if you're super-awesome like that and can bitch about the underperformance of your fantasy team with the best of us), throw on a pair of inappropriately short shorts and a pair of boots, and blammo, you're ready to hit the town and advertise your favorite team in the process. (For a higher degree of difficulty, "USC Song Girl" requires some sewing skills but is no less awesome.)



"Baywatch" lifeguard
Another one that's a lot easier than it might sound. Just find a red one-piece bathing suit that's a size or two too small, combine it with your most negligible acting skills, and you're ready to go. Dicey in cold climates, but hey, those are the sacrifices we have to make. It was chilly in Birmingham last year, too, but that didn't stop girls from lining up outside Club Uranus looking like hookers, and yes, there really was a bar down the street from me called that.



Hooters girl
Yes, this is something I clearly have a weakness for, but when you get right down to it, this is an institution that has to be respected for knowing exactly what they're selling (hint: it isn't the wings) and selling it better and more thoroughly than anyone. You've got options here -- the standard Hooters outfit, the black Hooters outfit, the camo outfit for salute-the-military promos, you name it. Just make sure you get the tank top three or four sizes smaller than you would ever actually wear such a garment. That's an important part of the ensemble.



Victoria's Secret angel
This one might actually be the easiest option of all: Just go through your dresser and pick out your classiest (or, depending on your frame of reference, least embarrassing) pair of undies; head down to the costume shop and buy a pair of angel wings; and ta-daaa, you will not have to pay for your own drinks until November 2.

No, no, I'm just happy to help.

The Ten:

1. Dimitri from Paris, "Un World Mysteriouse"
2. 3rd Bass, "Episode #3"
3. Taucher, "No Need to Ask Baby"
4. Steven Wright, "Home of Rock"
5. R.E.M., "What's the Frequency, Kenneth"
6. Air, "Kelly Watch the Stars"
7. Pet Shop Boys, "Discoteca"
8. Flight of the Conchords, "Ladies of the World"
9. U.N.K.L.E., "I Need Something Stronger"
10. Depeche Mode, "Personal Jesus"

Your turn -- throw your Random Tens in the comments, along with your sartorial recommendations for Halloween. This goes for you women out there, too, if you have any costume suggestions for us guys. No "Incredibly Good-Looking, Funny Guy Whom Men Want To Be And Women Want To Be With" suggestions, though. I've gone as that like the last six or seven years in a row, and I'm looking to branch out a little.

* Apologies for shamelessly stealing both the title of Ian's possibly late, unequivocally great blog and the inspiration for same, but it was too good not to pass up.

3 comments:

Kipp said...

So true. Halloween is worth it for the eye candy alone. I'm happy to report I'll be spending it in a college town and trying not to stare.

And I do miss Ian. Sexy Results helped me pass the time in many federal income tax classes at UGA Law, and he was always good for witty and sarcastic diatribe on a Friday or Saturday before we hit the tailgate or bars.

Here's hoping for a turnaround against the 'Dores. Otherwise my girlfriend may have to take away my shoestrings and keep me away from any and all sharp objects and tall buildings.

Universal Remonster said...

I'm sorry you missed out on all those years of talent-watching... there's a reason Halloween is my favorite holiday.

This year Beth and I are going as Peg and Al Bundy.

Will said...

I'm a huge fan of the "eve" costume. Usually it consists of a flesh colored or sheer bikini with an apple or tree leaves in just the right spot to avoid citations for public nudity.