Friday, January 16

The Friday Random Ten cheers for the cheerers.

Before this slightly belated Random Ten+5 gets underway, a bit of business. In spite of the fact that I made it very clear I expected Christmas presents from all of you, only a few of you came through, one of whom was longtime commenter and official Friend of HJS Zen Bubba: ZB not only hooked Yours Truly up with a copy of the Tennessee Titans cheerleaders' 2008-09 calendar, he got it signed by the talented, winsome, and now doctorate-equipped Jocey, with whom he attends graduated from law school. So now it's time to send a little love back the other way: All of you are ordered to head over to and vote for Jocey in their Hottest NFL Cheerleaders bracket. If you don't, I'll take it as a personal insult. And you know what happens to people who personally insult me. (That's right: I yell "YEEAHHH!" while bigger, stronger friends of mine beat them into a pulp.)

OK, so anyhoo, on the subject of cheerleaders: With the Falcons, Colts, and Titans out of the playoffs and the Redskins never even in 'em, cheerleaders have basically become my last tenuous link to a rapidly concluding football season I feel less and less connection with by the day. (And the Steelers don't even have a cheerleading squad, for some ridiculous reason, so that's fully one half of this weekend's conference-championship games that won't have any ridiculously hot girls dancing on the sideline.) So it's time to give them an official salute and make them the subject of this week's +5, which is the Five Best Cheerleading Uniforms in Football. Enjoy:

San Diego Chargers
If a picture is truly worth a thousand words, then there's not much I can say about the Charger Girls that hasn't already been said here, but I feel an additional round of applause is due to whichever Caltech engineering team designed their unis. Scoff if you want, but when the United States is finally crisscrossed by a network of efficient, smooth-riding maglev trains, we will all owe a debt of gratitude to the pioneers who first harnessed that technology for the Charger Girls' gravity-defying bra tops.

USC Trojans
Awesome in pictures, even better in person. Love the Trojans' football team or hate them, you have to respect the cheerleading squad for holding fast to a grand tradition (by which I obviously mean "tight sweaters and shorter-than-average skirts") the way they have.

Jacksonville Jaguars
This is the sleeper squad that, for the most part, has gone under-seen and under-appreciated recently, probably due more to the fact that the Jags went a miserable 5-11 this season than anything else. But there's a sort of appealing, no-nonsense simplicity to the idea of a midriff football jersey and ridiculously short shorts as a uniform, as if they're saying, "Yes, I have an ass you could bounce an Eisenhower silver dollar off of, but I know how to knock some heads on the field, too." At the very least, I hope they're able to knock more heads than the Jags' pass defense did this season.

Texas Longhorns (pom squad)
Hot pants and chaps: A more perfectly geography-appropriate cheerleading uni you will not find anywhere in Division I. And yet Fox cut to them maybe all of one time during the Texas-Ohio State Fiesta Bowl last week. This is the empire that revolutionized lowest-common-denominator network programming and brought you the Night of a Thousand Band Shots during 2007's BCS games, but they can't be bothered to show the Texas pommers more than once? That's like Journey coming on stage to do a reunion gig at the Hollywood Bowl but telling everyone they just don't feel like playing "Don't Stop Believin'."

Washington Redskins
OK, obviously I'm biased, but the Redskins cheerleaders match the gravity-humbling magic of the Charger Girl's tops (above, left) while simultaneously matching, if not exceeding, the under-butt quotient (above, right) delivered by the Jaguar cheerleaders' hot pants. The result is probably the best combination since somebody thought to put Oreo cookies in ice cream, and I'm intensely proud of the Redskins for having come up with it. (Honorable mention to the Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders, too, for rolling with this concept.) It beats most of what they've accomplished on the actual field of play in the last six or seven years, that's for sure.

And now the Ten:

1. Gorillaz, "Re-Hash"
2. 3rd Bass, "French Toast"
3. Q-Tip, "Things U Do"
4. Underworld, "Ballet Lane"
5. Pet Shop Boys, "Opportunities (let's make lots of money)" (original 7" version)
6. Blondie, "Heart of Glass"
7. Monty Python, "Spam"
8. Soul II Soul, "Back to Life"
9. Crowded House, "In My Command"
10. Nanci Griffith, "Lookin' for the Time (Working Girl)"

Apologies again for the lateness, kids, but you still have a whole weekend to put your Random Tens and favorite cheerleading squads/unis in the comments. Meanwhile, I'll be kicking it here in frigid Birmingham (ambient temperature 28, wind chill 19) and staying warm the only way I know how: numbing myself to the cold by drinking heavily. It's the healthy thing to do!


bill said...

Jocey will certainly appreciate any help she can get in this holy endeavor, but a quick correction, we both finished our JD's in 07. Yessir, that cheerleader has a doctorate.

Anyway this think isn't letting me sign in as Zen Bubba anymore (which sucks as I really liked that name) so I guess I am back to Bill from JC.

Vote early and often as I have agreed to be Jocey's bodyguard for any future Maxim shoots.

Reed said...

I recall the Michigan State "pom squad" aka "dance team" aka "holy crap we do NOT have cheerleaders like that" when I was in college (at Michigan). They were ridiculous. Incidentally, after traveling around a bit more, I'm now fairly certain that MSU easily has the hottest women in the Big Ten. Yeah, tallest midget or whathaveyou, but worth the visit for that reason (and, uh, that reason only).

Not-random Top ten (dedicated to our outgoing current occupant):
1) Ray Charles, "Hit the Road, Jack"
2) Social Distortion, "Bye Bye Baby"
3) Faith No More, "Get Out"
4) Archers of Loaf, "Wrong"
5) Bad Religion, "Fuck Armageddon...This is Hell"
6) Arcade Fire, "Wake Up"
7) 12 Rods, "Glad that It's Over"
8) OK Go, "Bye Bye Baby"
9) Blur, "Song 2"
#10 is for Obama
10) Curtis Mayfield, "Move On Up"

Reed said...

OK, I here are a few more for Bushy that I couldn't resist mentioning, too:
Living Colour, "Go Away"
Alkaline trio, "Radio"
Nine Inch Nails, "Ruiner"
Quicksand, "Thorn In My Side"
Funkadelic, "Super Stupid"
Blue Oyster Cult, "Career of Evil"
Zombies, "Leave Me Be"
Suicidal Tendencies, "You Can't Bring Me Down"

Todd Jones said...

Weirdly, I chose the only NFL team that doesn't have cheerleaders (Pittsburgh) to root for. I made that decision as a child of roughly 8, but were I to choose again based on cheerleader hawtity (which I surely would), you would know me as the biggest Chargers fan in the country.