With UGA-UT Hate Week upon us, some kind of roundtable was certainly called for, and I could think of no better and more available source for inside Vol dope than the prolific Holly at Snarkastic. While the initial purpose of this endeavor may actually have been to educate and inform, however, it . . . well, it kind of went downhill in a hurry, as you'll see. What follows are the questions I managed to ask Holly before our exchange devolved into a game of "Why're you hitting yourself" (or, in Tennessee's case, "Why're you intercepting yourself"); my answers to Holly's equally bitchy questions will be up at her joint shortly. Enjoy, if you can.
I came up with seven questions. I know that's a lot of questions for a Tennessee grad to deal with, particularly when none of them involve things like "Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you," but if you need me to pare any of these down just let me know.
Moonshinin' is winnin', son.
1. Tennessee's most notable performance this season has been its "moral victory" at Florida in which they held the top-ranked Gators to 23 points and lost by 10. By how many points will they need to lose to Georgia to ensure another suitably moral triumph?
I don't think that's something we need to be worrying about, frankly. If that's the kind of hurt we put on Tebow, just imagine what the Ginger Ninja will be feeling come 4 p.m. or so.
2. There has been a great deal of speculation as to why Lane Kiffin so frequently looks like a fussy toddler on the sideline, much of it focusing on Kiffin not getting the juice boxes some say he was promised. Do you feel this has anything to do with his attitude, and if so, what is Tennessee's strategy for ensuring Kiffin gets juice boxes at regular intervals against the Bulldogs?
We're switching him to milk, actually, for maximum soothage:
3. Other observers attribute Kiffin's crankiness to lingering resentment over the fact that his father, Monte, is the one actually coaching the team. Please confirm or deny.
I would like to defer this question directly to Coach Kiffin for rebuttal:
4. Top UT recruit Nu'Keese Richardson's name is spelled "Nu'Keese." Why?
Ask Rantavious Wooten or Bacarri Rambo.
5. You are given the choice between starting Jonathan Crompton at QB for the remainder of the 2009 season or being surreptitiously filmed in the nude by Michael David Barrett and having the footage posted on the Internet. Which do you pick?
Option C, for "Catfish," of course.
6. In one word or less, please list the accomplishments that Tennessee has achieved without David Cutcliffe on the coaching staff.
[Editor's note: Had I known Holly was going to include that clip in her answer, I would've added "Has any fan base ever been so proud of giving up a first down to Knowshon Moreno?" to the list of questions I sent her.]
7. The Volunteer defense has barely missed a step from last season's performance, ranking 19th in the nation in total yards allowed even after playing Florida and Auburn and boasting the SEC's third-leading tackler, safety Eric Berry. Speaking of safeties, how embarrassing was it when Georgia's Sean Jones returned a fumble 92 yards for a touchdown on the very last play of the first half against Tennessee in 2003, sparking a four-touchdown win for the Bulldogs in Knoxville? Please phrase your answer in the form of a vial of Casey Clausen's tears so that I may drink and savor them.
Let's see . . . having to reach back about half as far to find the last time we really fucked y'all up, I'm gonna say it's about half as embarrassing as having fifty hung on you in your own house. Kisses!
HJS thanks Ms. Anderson for her participation in this exercise, and invites her to go fuck herself.