Monday Morning Cage Match XIX:Bubbles, balloons, and buffoons.

By now we've all heard about the little boy whom everyone thought had flown halfway across Colorado in a homemade balloon, only to find that the whole thing was a hoax perpetrated by the kid's cravenly self-promoting dicklick of a father. Thus the "Balloon Boy" is almost sure to become a punchline or "Jeopardy!" answer lasting for the next, oh, seven minutes. But Balloon Boy's got to get in line behind a bunch of other kids who've been confined to similarly ungainly contraptions, and I can think of one right off the bat from a much-beloved "Seinfeld" episode. Get ready, America, for the brawl for it all -- Balloon Boy vs. Bubble Boy.

	Balloon Boy (Falcon Heene)	Bubble Boy (Donald Sanger)
Father's occupation	Reality-TV whore	Yoo-Hoo truck driver
WINNER: Bubble Boy
Mortal peril	Runaway homemade helium balloon flying as high as 15,000 feet	Immune deficiency in his blood
WINNER: Balloon Boy
Eponymous confinement most resembles	A flying Jiffy Pop tin	A clear plastic shower curtain
WINNER: Balloon Boy
First sign that something might be amiss	Dad called local TV stations before he called 911	Ordered George Costanza's girlfriend to take her top off
WINNER: Bubble Boy
Instrument of final downfall	Larry King	Misprinted Trivial Pursuit card
WINNER: Balloon Boy
Lasting quote	"You guys said that, um, we did this for the show."	"It doesn't matter. It's MOORS! THERE'S NO 'MOOPS'!"
WINNER: Bubble Boy
What have we learned?	Don't exploit children to promote your own fakakta endeavors	Don't try to take advantage of people at board games
WINNER: Balloon Boy

FINAL SCORE: Balloon Boy 4, Bubble Boy 3. I guess there's more romance to a giant fucking Jiffy-Pop-looking silver balloon than a plastic bubble.