Monday, October 19

Monday Morning Cage Match XIX:
Bubbles, balloons, and buffoons.

By now we've all heard about the little boy whom everyone thought had flown halfway across Colorado in a homemade balloon, only to find that the whole thing was a hoax perpetrated by the kid's cravenly self-promoting dicklick of a father. Thus the "Balloon Boy" is almost sure to become a punchline or "Jeopardy!" answer lasting for the next, oh, seven minutes. But Balloon Boy's got to get in line behind a bunch of other kids who've been confined to similarly ungainly contraptions, and I can think of one right off the bat from a much-beloved "Seinfeld" episode. Get ready, America, for the brawl for it all -- Balloon Boy vs. Bubble Boy.

Balloon Boy
(Falcon Heene)

Bubble Boy
(Donald Sanger)
Father's occupationReality-TV whoreYoo-Hoo truck driver
WINNER: Bubble Boy
Mortal perilRunaway homemade helium balloon flying as high as 15,000 feetImmune deficiency in his blood
WINNER: Balloon Boy
Eponymous confinement most resemblesA flying Jiffy Pop tinA clear plastic shower curtain
WINNER: Balloon Boy
First sign that something might be amissDad called local TV stations before he called 911Ordered George Costanza's girlfriend to take her top off
WINNER: Bubble Boy
Instrument of final downfallLarry KingMisprinted Trivial Pursuit card
WINNER: Balloon Boy
Lasting quote"You guys said that, um, we did this for the show.""It doesn't matter. It's MOORS! THERE'S NO 'MOOPS'!"
WINNER: Bubble Boy
What have we learned?Don't exploit children to promote your own fakakta endeavorsDon't try to take advantage of people at board games
WINNER: Balloon Boy

FINAL SCORE: Balloon Boy 4, Bubble Boy 3. I guess there's more romance to a giant fucking Jiffy-Pop-looking silver balloon than a plastic bubble.

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