Thursday, May 10

Hey Jenny Slater creative writing contest!

I do plenty of ranting and bloviating on this site, but now it's your turn!

First, read this article about a cancelled Rudy Giuliani campaign event in Iowa (hat tip to Andrew Sullivan):

OLIN -- Last weekend Deb and Jerry VonSprecken of Olin received a call from former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani's campaign office asking them if they would be interested in holding a campaign rally on May 4, after she had donated to his campaign.

"We thought it would be an honor and agreed," said Jerry.

The campaign office continued to contact the VonSpreckens throughout last weekend and were told a security check would be needed. The couple passed the security check and began putting plans in place.

"We started making phone calls. We got the sheriff and fire department and Olin school was going to let out early. We were also expecting kids from the Anamosa school," Jerry explained. "Deb even went around and personally invited people."

On Tuesday Deb received a call from Giuliani's Des Monies office and was asked to call New York.

"They wanted to know our assets," she revealed, and added that she and Jerry have a modest 80 acre farm and raise cattle.

Later she received a call from Tony Delgado at the Des Monies location.

"Tony said, 'I'm sorry, you aren't worth a million dollars and he is campaigning on the Death Tax right now.' then he said they weren't going to be able to come," Deb continued.

The Death Tax is a federal version of the Iowa Inheritance Tax.

The VonSpreckens then called Delgado back and told him how upset they were that the event had been cancelled, how much work they had done and that they had been expecting 75-100 people at their farm.

"I invited him into my home," Deb said of Giuliani, fighting back tears.


Done? OK. Now, I want you to write a short piece for the comments thread in the manner of a right-wing commentator responding to this incident if it had been Hillary Clinton cancelling the campaign event.

You can be Bill O'Reilly ranting about what an elitist Hillary is. You can be Chuckie Krauthammer writing a smug column about how the Democrats are never going to recapture the White House with this kind of out-of-touch attitude. You can be Ann Coulter writing about how this is typical for a Godless liberal slut who peforms abortions in her spare time and probably killed Vince Foster (you do, of course, have to make some kind of reference to Bill's cock at some point). You can even be a rightie blogger like Instapundit or Michelle Malkin! Just throw me a couple hundred words or so in the comments doing your best written impersonation.

The best part is there won't be any judging involved! If you enter, you automatically win! There's just one catch -- if the right-winger you're impersonating so much as mentions this story in a public forum, you're disqualified.

Now go to it!

11 comments:

Susan of Local Tint said...

Left’s Insulting Maternalism Reaches New Low
Cal Thomas

May 10, 2007

Hillary Clinton has shown us before that she has no problem changing colors to conform to her environment. An Arkansan by way of Illinois, she was quick to buy a home in Westchester County at the very whiff of a Senate seat vacated by Daniel Patrick Moynihan in 2000. And voila! she was a New Yorker. Last week, Hillary was ready to turn farmer, planning a campaign stop in Iowa to call for greater subsidies for American farmers, a facet of the ever-growing welfare state she’d not yet used to her advantage.

Enter Deb and Jerry VonSprecken of Olin, Iowa (pictured here) who graciously invited the Senator into their home, consented to invasive security clearances, and arranged logistics with the town’s fire and police department. Between 75 and 100 supporters were expected. But lo, one aspect of the VonSprecken’s profile wasn’t up to par. Clinton’s jack-booted thugs awoke the couple Tuesday morning with a thunderous pounding on their door. They announced the good gentlewoman from New York wouldn’t be darkening their threshold as planned because they had learned that the VonSpreckens had not actually received federal subsidies in the previous seven years. Though the couple claim to support the notion in principle, they say they’ve simply been fortunate enough not to have to rely on it. And so this stoic American farm family was a little too independent for the Clinton to use for a degrading photo-op.

Enh, I've done better. But what are the chances Thomas will mention it and throw me out of the running?

Kanu said...

liberal
liberal
liberal
tax and spend
9/11
with the terrorists
liberal elite
resolve
stay the course
stay the course
9/11
soft on crime
no family values
out of touch liberal
weak on defense
stay the course
resolve
Godless liberal
stay the course
stay the course
stay the course
9/11
tax and spend liberal
hates America
resolve
resolve
9/11
stay the course
out of touch liberal
liberal elite
tax and spend liberal
no moral values
soft on defense
welfare queens
resolve
9/11
resolve
resolve
9/11
stay the course
Godless liberals
with the terrorists
out of touch
tax and spend
liberal elite
hates America
9/11
stay the course
stay the course
9/11
9/11
resolve
stay the course
stay the course

Fin

Kanu said...

Epilogue

liberal
liberal
liberal
faggot

Cousin Pat from Georgia said...

Whoo-boy folks! This is hot off the presses, and I would say you wouldn't believe it, but we can't make this stuff up. Another bout of boot-in-mouth disease has struck a Clinton, and while I'm never one to say "it's OK to cry," the kind liberal farmers in Iowa she has wronged this time have more reason then most.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is an example < / breathy pause > of what the political class in Washington, DC, especially members of the Democrat party, really think about their 'grassroots' people.

Having already contributed some hard earned money to the Clinton campaign, the VenSprokens - some kind hearted, everyday farmers from Olin, Iowa unfortunate enough to have been drinking the liberal media kool aid - were asked to host a campaign event for the New York Senator. They were delighted to do so and set everything up, passed the requisite security details with the former First Lady's continued Secret Service protection, and arranged to have all the liberals who lived within about 100 miles bused into their farm.

This was only about 75-100 people, but you have to imagine how hard it is to find that many people in a rural area willing to hear Sen. Clinton speak.

So, the proverbial stage is set, ladies and gentlemen, and Mrs. "It-Takes-A-Village" is actually going to be speaking to the village itself, but it turns out to be something more like Paris Hilton and "The Simple Life."

< / Indignant Pause >

The Day Before, someone in the campaign calls up to let the VenSprokens know that the event will not be able to be held at the VenSproken farm because Mr. VenSproken once owned a gun.

That's it, that's the only reason, and the security detail had already checked the place. Mr. VenSproken no longer owns the weapon, or any firearm for that matter, because he feels safe in his small Iowa farm community without one.

But < conspiratorial tone > do you see what is happening here, ladies and gentlemen? < / conspiratorial tone > The liberal establishment in Washington, even as they marshal their forces for < imitation 'liberal' voice > teh most important Presidential race evar < / imitation 'liberal' voice >, have to ensure that everyone seen actively supporting their side of the argument < hysteria > agree with their side of the argument 100%. < / hysteria >

It was not enough that Mr. VenSproken did not own a gun now, his sin in the liberal bible is that he owned a gun once upon a time. And as we know, in Hillary Clinton's Washington, it is all about those who agree with you with rabid passion, or you might as well be the enemy. Let us hope this never ends up being "Hillary Clinton's America," and that's why we here at the Rush Limbaugh show do what we can to let you know what's going on.

Sophmom said...

LMAO. You keep saying, "You can be...," but, really, I can't. I couldn't if I wanted to. Great post, great comments (thanks to Cousin Pat for the heads up).

Umm..., kanu, GREAT contribution, but I think you forgot, "do the hard work" and "stay on the offense". ;)

My word verification is "wsdub".

Anonymous said...

Man United are champions of Angland, ARSEnal are faggots. BTW Grosse point Blank is 10 years old this year. Stuff like that makes me feel old...

BovineKid said...

susan and cousin pat, both of those were hilarious.

some chick w/ a boy's name said...

Is it just me, or is it somewhat ironic that Des Moines is misspelled in the article twice as Des Monies?

"We regret to inform you that Giuliani’s visit has been canceled because you folks don't have enough of Des Monies."

Kanu said...

Anon-

I guess that is meant for me, since it is well known that I am a Gooner and that Doug is not into the futbol. Not really sure what that has to do with the nature of this post...

Anyhow, congrats on being the best team in Angland as well as England.

Winning the EPL, Champions League semifinals, and perhaps an FA Cup win next weekend for a nice domestic double.

It's just too bad that the only thing that ManUtd couldn't do this season was beat those "faggots" from North London.

ManUtd 0-1 Arsenal
Arsenal 2-1 ManUtd

Better luck against the faggots next year, dude.

Station Agent said...

George Soros polito-bot Hillary Clinton royally screwed over some good, old, down home, salt of the Earth, farmers in an act of premeditated betrayal designed to bring down America.

Last weekend Deb and Jerry VonSprecken of Olin received a call from Clinton operatives asking if they would be interested in holding a Bush bashing session on May 4.

"We're scared of her, so we agreed," said Jerry.

Camp Clinton perpetually pestered the VonSpreckens, even demanding a security check.

At Ms. Clinton's personal request, the family arranged for the cops, the fire department and the schools to close. Who knows how many children were left behind as a result? Requesting the closing of the police station and fire department represents the same kind of irresponsible national security lapse that this country cannot afford, but will get from Democrats.

Nothing like this would ever happen under, say, a President Giuliani.

At the last possible moment, Camp Clinton called asking to know the family's "assets".

After informing the Clinton Campaign that they had only modest worldly possessions, Hill became a hater.

"I'm sorry," they were crudely informed by some nameless, faceless voice on the phone, "You aren't worth a million dollars and she is campaigning on abortion on demand right now."

The caller offered to sell the farmer drugs and then said something cryptic about pyramids and Sandy Berger.

75-100 people were expected for the event. Those lives are forever changed.

"I invited her into my home," Deb said of Clinton, fighting back tears.

Just sad.

Station Agent said...

That was Gibson.