Tuesday, April 17

Humpday Mystery Meat.

Did you guys just read the word "hump" and "meat" in the same sentence and giggle like five-year-olds? You immature little bastards! Don't worry, so did I.

· First of all I owe a heartfelt "thank you" to Orson from EDSBS and Peter from Burnt Orange Nation, who allowed me to have 90 of the funnest minutes I've had all month by participating in this week's EDSBS Live broadcast. We talked some Georgia football and some Bloggerpalooza, and then I got to answer their four weekly questions as follows:

1. After watching spring practice, who's your sleeper player of the season? Sophomore wideout Kris Durham. Didn't get much thrown his way in '06 but blew up like the Godfather on G-Day, catching six passes for 137 yards and two TDs. "Catching" being an important word here, given that many of our receivers spent much of last season looking like they might not be able to catch a pass from Brett Favre in the back seat of a Ford Focus. Durham will be the fastest white man on the field whenever he plays this fall.


Yeah, I know that's like saying the slimmest offensive guard. Just go with me here.

2. Name an incoming freshman or early enrolee who may help your team. Redshirt freshman RB Knowshon Moreno (11 carries, 68 yards, two TDs in the spring game). Having him, Kregg Lumpkin, fullback Brannan Southerland and potentially Thomas Brown in the backfield is a salivation-inducing prospect.

3. Did you tailgate the spring game? Yes, and since "Oscar-winning screenwriter" and "Angelina Jolie's babydaddy" are looking less and less likely with each passing day, I'm counting on "spring-game tailgating pioneer" to be the avenue through which I make my mark on history. I didn't invent it, of course, but maybe instead of being the Karl Benz of spring-game tailgating, I can be the Henry Ford -- the one who brought it triumphantly into the mainstream. (Without all the anti-Semitism, of course.)

4. Name a news anchor or reporter you'd bang. Well, the answer to this one was always going to be Melissa Theuriau, but let me give a shout-out to the hottest American news anchor and a woman who'd make a solid #2 in any ridiculously-hot-newsperson rotation, MSNBC's Contessa Brewer. Long before he was denigrating Rutgers basketball players, Don Imus made disparaging comments about Brewer's appearance when she was the news reader on his show, which should've been a sign right there that he was losing his marbles. This is what qualifies as a "skank" to the I-Man?


Might be time to follow Mel Gibson and Kramer into rehab, Don.

· On the subject of ridiculously hot women, I have a bone to pick with Playboy. In this month's issue -- the one that has conflicted 20-something men everywhere by forcing them to ponder Anna Nicole Smith's mortality even whilst ogling her enthusiastically naked Zaftigness -- Playboy features "Girls of Conference USA," so of course I was curious as to how many UAB students had found their way into the magazine. The final tally? Out of 37 coeds chosen to grace the magazine, only one was from UAB. Not cool, Hefner! This blatant show of disrespect for Blazer Nation has not gone unnoticed -- you're on my On Notice board. Good luck getting off this train.



· If you're wondering who the hell "Debbie Schlussel" is up there, she's a right-wing columnist/commentator who makes Ann Coulter look like Oprah. Exhibits A and B can be found here and here -- you really have to take in the entire thing, including Schlussel's hysterical ALL CAPS RESPONSES! to her opponents in the comments threads, to see just how wildly she lets her racist freak flag fly as she attempts to somehow pin the Virginia Tech shooting rampage on a Muslim. Simply breathtaking.

· Runner-up in the "How Big an Asshole Can I Make of Myself in the Wake of This Tragedy?" is National Review's John Derbyshire, who had the mind-blowing gall to write this:

As NRO's designated chickenhawk, let me be the one to ask: Where was the spirit of self-defense here? Setting aside the ludicrous campus ban on licensed conceals, why didn't anyone rush the guy? It's not like this was Rambo, hosing the place down with automatic weapons. He had two handguns for goodness' sake -- one of them reportedly a .22.

At the very least, count the shots and jump him reloading or changing hands. Better yet, just jump him.


Yeah, just jump him! What, you're too big a pussy to run headlong at a guy mowing people down with a semiautomatic?

Derbyshire goes on to ask: "Didn't the heroes of Flight 93 teach us anything?" I'll let Wonkette provide the answer to that one.

Yes: if you bravely fight back you will all die anyway.


Look for this and other essays, including "I Totally Could've Taken David Koresh" and "Why Didn't Some Jewish Person Just Kick Hitler in the Neck?", in the forthcoming collection If I Did It: The Hypothetical Heroism of John Derbyshire, due out this summer from Regnery Publishing.

· Fortunately, not everyone was in such a hurry to be a complete asshole. Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine basically said something similar to what I did yesterday, only a lot more succinctly (of course), which is appreciated.

· Finally, I'm way overdue with this, but here's a link to the blog started by Angela, one of my best friends from high school. Longtime readers may remember her from me singling her out as the happiest-looking person from our 10th high-school reunion a year and a half ago, and her blog is every bit in keeping with that characterization. I'm sure she'd blush and deny it if anyone said she had it all figured out, but it sure seems like she's got it more figured out than most of us.

· Enough seriousness or seriousness-like content? Yeah, you're probably right. Here, watch this shit.

11 comments:

Josh said...

This will probably ruin your day, but I'll tell you anyway. Driving home from work yesterday, my radio was on Hannity - and it's almost like he was reading your VA Tech post verbatim. I mean, he damn near said everything you said, about giving sufficient time to mourn before politicizing anything, etc. I was waiting for him to start drooling over Melissa Theuriau next.

So swallow that jagged little pill: You and Hannity agree on something. Sorry, brother.

JasonC said...

My 4 answers:
1. Kris Durham also, because I don't know that Reshad Jones is really a sleeper.
2. Moreno or the OL guys that we picked up.
3. Yes. And I think that it is interesting to note that UGA hosted 20+K on a blustery spring day, So. Carolina had 30+K and the Cheeseballs of the Swamp had 45K for their spring games. While I am a little saddened that we were bested by those schools, I must admit it speaks a lot about the SEC when a school can put more people in the stands for a spring game than most ACC teams can for a regular season game.
4. I used to have it for Campbell Brown, but I think now it would probably be Betty Ngyuen or Melissa Stark (if she is still doing stuff for ABC, and thus a "news" reporter). Finally, what kind of name is Contessa?! Isn't that a title? That's like naming your kid Czar Jones or Emperor Matthews.

TOM said...

Saw a picture of Derbyshire on Olbermann's "Worst Person of the Day schtick. He's absolutely the biggest Don Knotts-ish wimp I have ever seen e couldn't even rush the urinal in the men's room! An he deighns to judge the victims. . ?!

Zack "Gotta be KB" said...

I know my comment won't have anything to do with what you posted but I jsut wanted to say that I have been reading your blog for quite a while and it is funny man! Keep up the good work!!

Zen Bubba said...

Now that the 1 day moritorium has passed, can someone tell me if Michelle Malkin has called for all asian writers that are pro gun to be locked up yet?

blackertai said...

That video is hilarious. Hands down, funny.

Josh said...

The thing is, Derbyshire raises a valid question: Why didn't anybody fight back? If reports are to be believed, the shooter lined people up, and he certainly had to take time to reload. I must admit, I had those thoughts on Monday morning.

It was Derbyshire's timing that was awful, though. These are questions to be asked later.

I think Wonkette's point is just as retarded, by the way. This country has a long history of people fighting back and surviving. The one person that seems to have fought back was the Israeli professor - he died, but his fight apparently saved every one of his student's lives as it gave them the time to jump out of the windows. And the heroes of Flight 93 might have died, but they likely saved the lives of people in the Capitol, White House, or wherever the plane was headed.

TOM said...

Josh- Read ACG's blog- more people than the professor resisted. The brave folks on Flight 93 had the opportunity to organize, plan, and act in concert; the VT folks did not. According to interviews with knowledgeable people, the clips can be changed in a matter of 2 seconds- hardly enough time to act if you start out from a position of ducking for cover.

Josh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh said...

You're right, of course. I misstated when I said "the one person." I have read those other accounts, and I certainly wish to honor that heroism. However, Wonkette's point seems to be against fighting back.

I got into a discussion on another board about why I am a gun owner. Somebody said something to the effect of, "If you break in my house, take anything you want. I'll even help you load your car." What the hell? If you break into my house, I'm not waiting around to see if you just need a slice of bread, my flatscreen, or to rape my sister. I'm assuming the worst, and I'm plugging two into your chest.

I'm not trying to come off as John McClane here (not more than any other day, at least), but I hate the attitude that fighting back is somehow wrong or barbaric. I mean, I'm a 5th grade teacher, and I'm forced to instill the lesson that tattling is better than fighting back - and I think those lessons do become engrained after years and years of hearing them.

To at least question the seeming lack of physical defense is valid, I think, even if the timing is absurdly off. The answers might be obvious once details are learned, but the questions are there. That does not, however, excuse putting those questions forth in a national editorial a day after the events.

ACG said...

I don't know that it is valid. For one, we don't know exactly what was going on inside the building. We don't know that someone didn't try to overpower him and get killed in the process; in circumstances like those, it wouldn't be unlikely that such an act would go unwitnessed (or, at least, unwitnessed by anyone who survived).

For another, working from the generally accepted menu of human responses of fight, fly, or freeze, it sounds like we got a pretty good mix of the three. And all are natural. To protect yourself? Natural. To protect others? Noble, to the extent that it goes beyond natural instincts by placing oneself in potentially more danger for the safety of another.

To go on the unarmed offensive against an attacker with two firearms (that they knew about)? To do what would amount to committing suicide to protect everyone else? Heroic, certainly, but to ask why no one did that is to ask what no one is really expected to do. And to start calling people sissies because they didn't do it, from the comfort and safety of Derb's computer desk, is assholishness personified.