· First of all I owe a heartfelt "thank you" to Orson from EDSBS and Peter from Burnt Orange Nation, who allowed me to have 90 of the funnest minutes I've had all month by participating in this week's EDSBS Live broadcast. We talked some Georgia football and some Bloggerpalooza, and then I got to answer their four weekly questions as follows:
1. After watching spring practice, who's your sleeper player of the season? Sophomore wideout Kris Durham. Didn't get much thrown his way in '06 but blew up like the Godfather on G-Day, catching six passes for 137 yards and two TDs. "Catching" being an important word here, given that many of our receivers spent much of last season looking like they might not be able to catch a pass from Brett Favre in the back seat of a Ford Focus. Durham will be the fastest white man on the field whenever he plays this fall.
Yeah, I know that's like saying the slimmest offensive guard. Just go with me here.
2. Name an incoming freshman or early enrolee who may help your team. Redshirt freshman RB Knowshon Moreno (11 carries, 68 yards, two TDs in the spring game). Having him, Kregg Lumpkin, fullback Brannan Southerland and potentially Thomas Brown in the backfield is a salivation-inducing prospect.
3. Did you tailgate the spring game? Yes, and since "Oscar-winning screenwriter" and "Angelina Jolie's babydaddy" are looking less and less likely with each passing day, I'm counting on "spring-game tailgating pioneer" to be the avenue through which I make my mark on history. I didn't invent it, of course, but maybe instead of being the Karl Benz of spring-game tailgating, I can be the Henry Ford -- the one who brought it triumphantly into the mainstream. (Without all the anti-Semitism, of course.)
4. Name a news anchor or reporter you'd bang. Well, the answer to this one was always going to be Melissa Theuriau, but let me give a shout-out to the hottest American news anchor and a woman who'd make a solid #2 in any ridiculously-hot-newsperson rotation, MSNBC's Contessa Brewer. Long before he was denigrating Rutgers basketball players, Don Imus made disparaging comments about Brewer's appearance when she was the news reader on his show, which should've been a sign right there that he was losing his marbles. This is what qualifies as a "skank" to the I-Man?
Might be time to follow Mel Gibson and Kramer into rehab, Don.
· On the subject of ridiculously hot women, I have a bone to pick with Playboy. In this month's issue -- the one that has conflicted 20-something men everywhere by forcing them to ponder Anna Nicole Smith's mortality even whilst ogling her enthusiastically naked Zaftigness -- Playboy features "Girls of Conference USA," so of course I was curious as to how many UAB students had found their way into the magazine. The final tally? Out of 37 coeds chosen to grace the magazine, only one was from UAB. Not cool, Hefner! This blatant show of disrespect for Blazer Nation has not gone unnoticed -- you're on my On Notice board. Good luck getting off this train.
· If you're wondering who the hell "Debbie Schlussel" is up there, she's a right-wing columnist/commentator who makes Ann Coulter look like Oprah. Exhibits A and B can be found here and here -- you really have to take in the entire thing, including Schlussel's hysterical ALL CAPS RESPONSES! to her opponents in the comments threads, to see just how wildly she lets her racist freak flag fly as she attempts to somehow pin the Virginia Tech shooting rampage on a Muslim. Simply breathtaking.
· Runner-up in the "How Big an Asshole Can I Make of Myself in the Wake of This Tragedy?" is National Review's John Derbyshire, who had the mind-blowing gall to write this:
As NRO's designated chickenhawk, let me be the one to ask: Where was the spirit of self-defense here? Setting aside the ludicrous campus ban on licensed conceals, why didn't anyone rush the guy? It's not like this was Rambo, hosing the place down with automatic weapons. He had two handguns for goodness' sake -- one of them reportedly a .22.
At the very least, count the shots and jump him reloading or changing hands. Better yet, just jump him.
Yeah, just jump him! What, you're too big a pussy to run headlong at a guy mowing people down with a semiautomatic?
Derbyshire goes on to ask: "Didn't the heroes of Flight 93 teach us anything?" I'll let Wonkette provide the answer to that one.
Yes: if you bravely fight back you will all die anyway.
Look for this and other essays, including "I Totally Could've Taken David Koresh" and "Why Didn't Some Jewish Person Just Kick Hitler in the Neck?", in the forthcoming collection If I Did It: The Hypothetical Heroism of John Derbyshire, due out this summer from Regnery Publishing.
· Fortunately, not everyone was in such a hurry to be a complete asshole. Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine basically said something similar to what I did yesterday, only a lot more succinctly (of course), which is appreciated.
· Finally, I'm way overdue with this, but here's a link to the blog started by Angela, one of my best friends from high school. Longtime readers may remember her from me singling her out as the happiest-looking person from our 10th high-school reunion a year and a half ago, and her blog is every bit in keeping with that characterization. I'm sure she'd blush and deny it if anyone said she had it all figured out, but it sure seems like she's got it more figured out than most of us.
· Enough seriousness or seriousness-like content? Yeah, you're probably right. Here, watch this shit.