Tuesday, February 3

Olive Garden Confidential Productions presents Olive Garden Confidential V: Pizza Hut Confidential: Roman Holiday.

They still haven't put the two most recent Olive Garden ads up on YouTube, so in lieu of that, by popular demand ("popular" meaning "one person's"), you get the secret inside scoop on what actually happened when Pizza Hut sprung their Tuscani pasta dishes on some unsuspecting real Italians. Herewith, "Roman Holiday":

ANNOUNCER: Pizza Hut went all the way to Rome to surprise real Italians with our new Tuscani lasagna!

JARED-FROM-SUBWAY-LOOKING ITALIAN GUY: Mi ricorda del lasagna della mia madre. [It reminds me of my mom's.]

ITALIAN CHICK: Realmente buon! [Really good!]

BLOND ITALIAN CHICK: É vivacious. [It's vivacious.]

BLOND ITALIAN CHICK'S COMPANION: "Vivacious"? Seriamente? ["Vivacious"? Seriously?]

CHEF: Il lasagna che avete mangiato appena proveniva da Pizza Hut! [The lasagna you just ate was from Pizza Hut!] (bows)


BLOND ITALIAN CHICK: Che cosa la scopata? [What the fuck?]

DOUCHEY-LOOKING ITALIAN GUY: Prendo la mia amica al nuovo ristorante più d'avanguardia a Roma per proporre unione a lei, e concludiamo in su il cibo del Pizza Hut? [I bring my girlfriend to the trendiest new restaurant in Rome to propose to her, and we end up eating Pizza Hut?]

AMERICAN TOURIST: I can't believe we flew four thousand miles for this. If I'da wanted to gorge myself on Pizza Hut, I'da stayed in Scranton!

AMERICAN TOURIST'S DAD: Some things never change. Dirty wops are just as cheap as they were when I was here during the war.

JARED-FROM-SUBWAY-LOOKING ITALIAN GUY'S MOM: Così la mia cottura gli ricorda di immondizia Americana grassa? [So my cooking reminds you of greasy American garbage, does it?] (bursts into tears and begins wailing)

JARED-FROM-SUBWAY-LOOKING ITALIAN GUY'S DAD: Osservi che cosa avete fatto alla vostra madre canonizzata, voi ingrate ripugnante! [Look what you've done to your sainted mother, you filthy ingrate!] (takes off shoe and begins beating son with it)

ANNOUNCER: New Tuscani pasta from Pizza Hut! Over three pounds of pasta feeds four for just $14.99 with breadsticks.

OTHER AMERICAN TOURIST: Christ almighty, at the current exchange rate, we just paid a hundred and twenty-six dollars to eat fucking Pizza Hut.

GREASEBALL ITALIAN GUY: Avete insultato la famiglia di deCicero, e state andando pagare! So dove dormite! [You have insulted the deCicero family, and you're going to pay! I know where you sleep!]

GREASEBALL ITALIAN GUY'S WIFE: Dovreste sapere che qualcosa era di traverso quando abbiamo veduto il "P' Zone" sul menu, voi mongoloid grasso. [You should've known something was up when we saw the "P'Zone" on the menu, you greasy mongoloid.]

GREASEBALL ITALIAN GUY: Volete ritenere la mia rabbia anche, donna? [You want to feel my wrath too, woman?]

GREASEBALL ITALIAN GUY'S WIFE: Oh, per favore, neppure non siete stato "fatto" ancora. [Oh, please, you haven't even been "made" yet.]

OTHER AMERICAN TOURIST'S WIFE: Fuck this, let's go to Olive Garden. At least they give you unlimited salad and breadsticks.

ANNOUNCER: New Tuscani Pasta, delivered only by Pizza Hut! Now you're eating!


Michael said...

Tears of laughter.

Holly said...

"Sainted mother" FTW. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

No thoughts on the basketball situation?

matt b said...

SCREW Greg Reid!!!

Kristen said...

Please do not give up until those Olive Garden ads are on YouTube, and in the meantime, please keep more Confidentials coming. I think they may be the highlight of my pathetic life.