Monday, February 23

Olive Garden Confidential: The Lost Episodes X.

Hate the "Olive Garden Confidential" series with every fiber of your being? If so, then you're in luck -- this is the last installment, at least until someone throws me some embeddable video I haven't used yet. I'm particularly interested in the ad where the dad takes the daughter and all her college roommates to Olive Garden. Oh, there's gonna be a great one for that. Until that glorious day, though, here's the 10th and (for right now) final installment in the series, "Maturity."

(As always, watch the original here first.)

SCOTT: Little brother: first bowl -- always alfredo.

KEVIN: Meat sauce.

SCOTT: Alfredo!

LITTLE BROTHER: Yeah, yeah. When are you gonna teach me how to get a girl to show me her boobs?

SCOTT: What???

LITTLE BROTHER: I want to know how to score chicks, 'cause I want to see their boobs. (awkward pause) You told me you were bringing me here to give me some brotherly advice -- you didn't mean you were going to advise me on choosing pasta dishes, did you?

SCOTT: Uh, yeah . . . that's all we were going to do.

LITTLE BROTHER: Great. I'll be a virgin until I'm 35, but at least I'll know what sauce to order until then. Thanks for nothing, you Kirk-Cameron-looking motherfucker.

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden's Never-Ending Pasta Bowl, with new five-cheese marinara! Pick any sauce and pasta combination, then another, just $7.95. Have all you want.

LITTLE BROTHER: All right, fine, I'll try the five-cheese marinara.

SCOTT and KEVIN: (in high-pitched unison) Where did you see that?!?

LITTLE BROTHER: (shaking head sadly) What a couple of queers.

ANNOUNCER: At Olive Garden, when you're here, you're family!


King Cockfight said...

"You Kirk-Cameron-looking motherfucker" should be legislated as America's chief foul-mouthed insult.

Especially for Kirk Cameron, to his face, constantly.

Anonymous said...


acg said...

Jeez, Anonymous. Don't you think your rage should really be directed at the person who strapped you down, A Clockwork Orange stylee, and forced you to read the post?

Kevin said...

It's too bad that was the last one (for a time). Seems like you kinda phoned it in. Would have liked the series to end on a high note

Susan said...

" Kirk-Cameron-looking motherfucker."

I dunno. I see a young Jeff Goldblum, and "little brother" looks way too much like the woman from Milk.

Kristen said...

I am the world's biggest "OGC" fan and will not tolerate anyone putting it down. Don't listen to the haters, Doug!

Damon said...

i second kristen. i loathe OG commercials with all of my being, but now hope that they never stop just so that you'll have more material. great work!